Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Tuesday, June 17, 2025 -- Mattie died 799 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was very excited because the tent moth caterpillar that he brought home from his school's playground had spun itself into a cocoon. Mattie knew that within ten days or so, would emerge a moth from the spun silk. Mattie loved this metamorphosis process every spring! I literally had jars set aside for this process and we learned by process of elimination that the only leaves these caterpillars ate were OAK! Which is why we both came to love oak trees. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

Given how I am feeling, my goal over the next couple of days is to spend less time at the computer. My neck and shoulders feel achy and strained. So despite the heat and humidity, I went outside this morning and worked out there for several hours. Believe it or not, I trimmed back all the roses you see here. The roses had gotten as tall as the bird bath/fountain. Now that they had their first bloom, it was time for them to be cut way back. I maintain everything in this space, including trimming the crape myrtle tree in the fall (in order to keep its nice small and bushy foot print in the spring and summer) and eventually I will get to that big white hydrangea bush, as it too needs to be cut in half!

Since there are so many hydrangeas, that I brought some inside, and will continue to add to this vase in our front hallway. The beauty of this house is I really never have to purchase flowers in the warm weather months! Something is always blooming in the garden. 

In April, I planted four large roses in our terracotta pots. I did this to replace all the roses my husband planted for me, but died from all the snow we received this winter. I feed these roses religiously every two weeks and they are thriving. 

Aren't they a glorious color?

This to me is the Mattie Miracle rose.... orange and red. I bought this specifically as a tribute to Mattie. 

The property has hydrangeas of every shape and variety. Climbing ones as well. My favorites are the oak leave hydrangeas that border the property. They are an amazing privacy screen from neighbors. 

The day lilies are in bloom!

Do you see the fountain. This is one of my favorite features in the backyard. It attracts birds. They love bathing in it, and I also love the sound. The fountain stopped working one day, and I am very grateful to Steve (my outdoor guru) for cleaning all the muck out and installing a new pump. He even got the back light working. 

Meanwhile it is frog season. All you hear day and night are frog songs. When I first moved into the house, the previous owner had frog statues and yard stakes of cute frogs. I removed them all, but always wondered.... what was with the frogs???? NOW I get it! The frogs own the backyard. If Mattie were here, he would have absolutely had a field day in the backyard. I just wish Mattie experienced Sunny in this backyard. Life would be so different if my family were intact. I truly need to keep moving in order to maintain any sort of stability. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Monday, June 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. I know this photo had to be taken on a weekend, because it was a weekend occurrence that we typically went together to explore the Island. We loved seeing the Island during every season! Even in the winter, it was a wonderful walk, but there was something magical about seeing all the plants and trees sprouting back to life in the spring! I miss seeing these sights, I miss having these walks with Mattie and I miss my family of three!

Quote of the day: Healing from betrayal is a personal journey. It's about finding inner strength, learning to trust yourself again, and creating a better future. ~ Unknown

This morning, I headed to the city, to take my mom to the salon. Somehow in my mind I thought the appointment was only for a manicure and pedicure. It did not register to me that I also booked her six week hair appointment. Therefore, I only told my mom she was going for her nails. When I walked into the salon, the salon manager escorted us to the changing room for my mom. I looked at her confused, and said.... my mom is only getting her nails done. At which point, I actually looked at the calendar on my phone and realized.... NO I was wrong. My mom was getting hair and nails done today. I truly do not like being confused and overwhelmed. That was bad enough, but it was what happened next that disturbed me for the rest of the day.

In the middle of the salon, my mom practically had a tantrum. She got very upset with me that I did not tell her she was getting her hair done. She said, I "blew it." Now mind you I did not do this on purpose, I am just juggling so much, that honestly I am lucky I knew enough to go to the salon this morning. My mom had no understanding for how upsetting it was to be ridiculed in the middle of the salon. She acts as if I am typically a scatterbrain, who doesn't manage things well! On the contrary, I would like to see anyone else juggle what I do each day, caregiving for my parents around the clock for four years without even one day break, run Mattie's Foundation alone, maintain this house, manage all bills, taxes, and all other crises, without cracking up.

My mom was so upset, that I really thought I would have to turn around and go home. But I remained CALM throughout the entire time. I basically said, I made a mistake, but she was there, so it made sense to get her hair done. She eventually went with the process and had a good visit, but honestly I was a mess for the rest of the day. I ranged from being internally angry, to feeling absolutely overwhelmed. It is moments like this, that I want to be outdoors, walk around, and regroup. But that was just not possible. Which maybe why for the rest of the day, I was very edgy and upset. Even when I got home, it was raining outside, so I couldn't spend the necessary time in my garden. 

Then the reality hit me. ONCE AGAIN! I have been left to manage the impossible by myself. Sometimes one tries to understand that the future won't always be this way. But for me the future looks even more daunting than my current circumstances. It was just an emotionally challenging day, on top of many other horrible days over these last two years.  

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Father's Day of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we took him on a Duck Boat tour of Washington, DC. The fun part about this trip was it covered both land and water! Right up Mattie's alley. They gave us all whistles in the shape of a duck bill, and I can't tell you how much use those whistles got over the years. I thought we would have many more father's days together. It is hard to understand, much less accept, that I now I acknowledge the day without my son and husband. 

Quote of the day: My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. ~ Jim Valvano

This morning as I was getting myself ready for the day, I turned on the radio. Thomas Rhett's song, Things Dad Do, came on! I have to admit I never heard it before, but this song got to me! We truly appreciate what our parents have done for us after we become a parent of our own. Parenting was one of the most challenging and wonderful jobs I ever experienced, and I couldn't possible appreciate all the difficult choices and decisions my parents made until I was in their shoes. Rhett's song captures it beautifully! In honor of Father's Day, I attached the song below............................................

I focused all my attention today on what I have, rather than what is glaringly missing in my life. I am not saying I was able to block my husband from my mind, because I wasn't, but I wanted my dad to know he is special to me. 

I started my dad's day by giving him a hair cut, shaving him with a real razor, and gave him a manicure! I called it his "spa morning." Then my dad opened a card and several gifts! He was truly moved by the sentiments and things I expressed to him today. 

Sometimes you do not realize how special a person is, until you put it into context. Given what I have experienced these last two years, I can say with 100% certainty that my dad could NEVER walk away from his family. EVER. It isn't in his DNA, as it isn't in mine. My dad worked in the entertainment industry, where infidelity was rampant. But not for my dad! He was never swayed by money, power, or stardom. My dad is a great man and as I told him today..... he deserves to be celebrated. 

This is my father-in-law! The other dad in my life. Remember that I have known Don since I was 19 years old. Since I went to college on the East Coast, it made it difficult to go home to California for Thanksgiving. So I spent many holidays at a young age with my husband's family. Then I also went to graduate school in Boston for my Master's in Biology. When living in Boston, I spent every Sunday at their house. We would have dinner together and watch Columbo! These were simpler and happier times. 

Though I do not mention this on the blog, my in-laws have been 100% supportive of me over these last two years and if it is possible we have gotten even closer. 

Since Don LOVES tomatoes, I sent him two tomato plants and a basil plant for the summer season! 

I took my parents out to brunch today. Cheryl, our server, gave my dad a card and a container of wonderful chocolate chip cookies. My dad felt celebrated and had a very good eating day, which I was happy about! 

Me and my dad!

The three of us! Keep in mind that we used to go to this same restaurant with my husband. We always sat at this table. So whenever I see photos, I can't help but notice that the fourth seat remains empty.