Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2002. Mattie was 8 months old. It was his first Christmas with us and I wanted our holiday card to feature this cute face! I literally dressed him up, dragged out Mattie's entertainment saucer and we snapped photos of him. Being the first snow fall of the season, it was a magical moment. As you can see, Peter was introducing Mattie to the white stuff, and it peaked Mattie's curiosity. I now have lost both of my boys, and only have photos left of our time together.
Quote of the day: Each divorce is the death of a small civilization. ~ Pat Conroy
I spent a good portion of the morning on Foundation communications and administrative work. It is close to impossible to believe that I now run Mattie Miracle without Peter. Creating the non-profit was Peter's idea. I was too traumatized after Mattie died in 2009, to have any clear thought about this matter. But I went to all the legal meetings and went through the process right along side Peter. It seems fitting, that like everything else, I now manage it alone. It is hard enough knowing that...................
I am divorced (against my will),
My husband is in a relationship with my neighbor,
I worry day to day about finances and my future,
I have been caregiving for three years without a break, and
I am the sole parent keeping Mattie's legacy alive.
It is not unusual for me to say to myself..... what else can Peter do to me? Clearly I am the most affected by Peter's behavior, but I am not the only one who feels shocked, stunned, and betrayed. Those close to us, who thought they knew Peter are equally troubled, and continue to tell me.......... they too would never have seen this coming. Why? Because Peter appeared to be a devoted and loving husband. In fact, it wasn't unusual to hear, after Mattie died, that I was Peter's reason for living. Without me, he wouldn't of had a purpose. Not my words, HIS!
If some of you are thinking.... Peter wanted a divorce because of Mattie's death and that this is some sort of unresolved or complicated grief issue, I am here to tell you, NO that is not it. Peter and I survived the impossible. Mattie has been dead for 15 years and through this journey, we walked it together. We may not have always been on the same page, because grief is an individual journey, but we were there for each other.
This afternoon, my parents wanted to go out to lunch. They did not want me cooking. I have introduced them to a local restaurant about 10 minutes away from home. I did not do this sooner, because the last time I went to this restaurant, it was with Peter. It was at that restaurant in which Peter first told me he was unhappy in our marriage. Not only that he was unhappy, but he was unhappy for a long time. Of course depending on when I spoke to Peter, the timing would change. From being unhappy for a long time, to being unhappy from 2018 onwards, or being unhappy after my parent's moved in. That inconsistency drove me batty! When Peter dropped this news to me at this restaurant, I wanted to start screaming! What way to tell me this horrid news, in a public space, where I was trapped.
I thought that day we were going out for dinner to reconnect. As I was strung out from caregiving and upset with his constant attention and hours spent with our neighbor. I was hoping that this space away from home would have given us the chance to talk. Forget it! Because Peter's plan to dump Vicki was already in motion. Vicki just did not know it yet! Needless to say this restaurant has held very bad memories for me. In fact, I was so upset with Peter, that I got up from the table and walked right out of the restaurant.
Though I will freely admit to suffering from trauma, I push myself through spaces that were traumatizing. I learned this skill from past traumas. Today was the third time I have been back to this restaurant, each time with my parents. The restaurant was beautifully decorated for the holidays, it was playing Christmas music, and we got a lovely table by the window. All I know is for a minute, I was able to erase the toxicity of Peter in this space, and to appreciate this restaurant for what it is.
What Peter has done to me, could cause me to have a nervous breakdown. I discuss this feeling with my friend in England (who I met in an on-line support group) often, who I swear is living a parallel life. The circumstances are a bit different, but the cruelty, abandonment, and radio silence are all the same. It takes great inner strength to hold it together, but it is a terrible feeling to know that I have been tricked. That I have been lied to, not just recently but for years, and to know that I was living with someone who truly hated me, and yet I did not see or feel it. That alone is a frightening and disillusioning notion.
