Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2006. Mattie was four years old. This was NOT an unusual occurrence in our living room! Mattie loved to paint. We introduced him to 3-D puzzles which he had to assemble and then could paint them. While raising Mattie, I also taught a child development class at the University. So I knew all about the theories associated with nature vs nurture, and my point is research is one thing, but seeing these concepts unfold right before my eyes solidified them and made them unforgettable. From an academic standpoint, I achieved the highest degree a person can obtain, yet I will always credit Mattie as my greatest teacher. Mattie was hard wired with interests, preferences, and a personality and as his mom, I tried to nurture each and every one of his gifts, and in the process got to see the development of an incredible little boy. Though Mattie has been gone from my life for 16 years, I miss seeing the world through his beautiful eyes.
Quote of the day: Legacy isn’t what we leave behind, it’s what we build in others while we’re still here. ~ Chris Watson
This morning, after working with the contractors and dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom into the city to get her hair and nails done. This salon has been in my life since my twenties! It is located in my old neighborhood, so when I am there it is hard to believe how drastically my life has changed. If anyone would have told me years ago that I would land up single, I would have laughed hysterically. Yet here I am. Going into my old neighborhood is like seeing a video tape rewind in my mind. I can picture my former life there, I can see our apartment from the road, the routes I used to walk Sunny, and the list goes on.
While at the salon today, I learned about three tragic and untimely deaths. One of the beautiful women who worked in the salon died while playing tennis. Her tennis partner ran into her by accident on the court, and she fell backward and hit her head very hard on the court and died. I saw this woman at the salon about two months ago. So refined, so kind, and way too young to be taken from this earth. Then my manicurist, who came into my life when Mattie died in 2009, told me about the unexpected death of her brother-in-law and the third death I heard about today was a suicide. The young man in question had an amazing career, a loving wife, and two children. No one knew he was depressed, until he killed himself while showering. Seriously when I heard about these three deaths today, it gave me great pause. Nothing can put life into perspective than such horrific and unexpected tragedies. What this reminded me of today is: 1) life is fragile, 2) we can love someone and yet not always know what is going on in that person's mind and heart, 3) any day that we are healthy is a GOOD DAY and a blessing (because things can change on a dime), and 4) we need to appreciate the time we have with those we love, because tomorrow is not guaranteed.
When talking about the suicide today of this young man, I learned that his mom has in essence stopped living. That she feels like she died six years ago, when her son took his life. Naturally this mom's feelings resonate with my own. There are some losses in which time can not possibly heal and when you lose a part of yourself (your child), literally you feel dead inside, and your hope and vision for a future cease to exist. The depths of these feelings are hard to grasp and certainly hard to face, but these feelings are not pathological, they are not signs of weakness, but instead signs of an unfathomable loss of a deep bond and love.
