Saturday, October 31, 2020

Saturday, October 31, 2020

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2005. That year, Mattie wanted to be a calico cat for Halloween. Not unlike his own cat, Patches. We bought a black sweat suit (Mattie's ideal material) and then went to the craft store to buy felt. We cut the patches and hot glued them to the material. I made a cat tail out of black stockings and added furry ears to a headband of mine. Mattie loved this costume. He was eager to wear it to preschool and trick or treating. Except that year, Mattie landed up in the hospital from an ear infection that turned to sepsis. This was thanks to his pediatrician not taking me seriously when I brought Mattie to her office just days before saying that I suspected he had an ear infection. She thought I was being over protective and a hypochondriac. Turns out, I was right, and when she saw us admitted to the hospital, she apologized for her mistake! Any case, that year, Mattie spent Halloween in the hospital. It was a hospital that did not have a peds unit or child life specialists. So literally the nurses did not know what to do with Mattie or me for that matter. In a way, it was my first real experience having to advocate for Mattie in a hospital setting. Skills that were definitely needed three years later when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• number of people diagnosed with the virus: 9,104,336
• number of people who died from the virus: 230,281

Every two years, in order to renew my professional counseling license, I need to complete 40 hours of continuing education. Typically I can get these hours by attending conferences, but clearly that wasn't happening this year. Therefore, I have been glued to on-line trainings. Today, I finally completed a 12.5 hour training, entitled, Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP) Intensive Training Course.

I have to admit, for me learning on-line doesn't work as well as face to face. Nonetheless, it was an intense course that provided students with a ton of information, research, insights, and interventions. They instructors ended the training with Viktor Frankl's quote...... Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. 

This is an illustration of Frankl's beautiful and meaningful words. Honestly, this was a fantastic way to end a very comprehensive training. Because at the end of the day, this quote or illustration is empowering to all of us. 

Whether we are stressed out, feeling depressed or traumatized..... this reminds us that WE ARE IN CONTROL. We can't control stressors, what happens to us, or when it happens to us. But we can choose how we wish to respond to these stressors. Our decision on how we respond needs to be thoughtful, because if we are reactive rather than intentional, what happens is we aren't true to ourselves. We lose integrity and our guiding principles. 

One of the instructors today, flashed this slide up on the screen. It is his illustration of trauma and how it impacts how we act, behave, and feel. This illustration practically jumped off the page at me, because I feel it described me at various stages after Mattie's death. As the slide illustrates, there are many triggers in our lives. Mostly they come in through one of our senses. Typically when stressed we are not calm, and therefore not thinking clearly. So we become reactionary. In this mode, we can become impatient, nasty at times, and even resentful of our situation and those around us. However, stepping back, learning relaxation techniques that enable us to switch from reactionary to intentional, enables us to THINK and therefore respond to stressors in ways that are in line with our vision about how we want to life our lives.  

After Mattie died, things would set me off and I would be very reactive to friends. Historically this wasn't my typical style in relating to people. It was out of character for me. Which was also upsetting to me, because after lashing out at friends, some of them would lash back out at me. Needless to say, I found their reactions hurtful and it was a vicious cycle... of me being reactionary to friends, they were reactionary back at me, and really it propagated a vicious cycle of hurt. Now that I see this model, I realize that my reactionary style was how I was coping with trauma. Seems to me this is the number one piece of educational information EVERY person (not just professionals) should know when trying to support a trauma survivor or bereaved individual. We have pent up thoughts, feelings, and emotions and that energy is volatile. So naturally it makes sense that it would be expressed in inappropriate ways. That doesn't mean we give up on those who are traumatized or bereaved (though I admit we can be wearing on friends because the healing process takes time and support), rather it means we need to find ways to help us relax and breathe, and take back control so we can think and make decisions that are true to how we wish to live our lives.