Sunday, January 2, 2022

Sunday, January 2, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken on January 2 of 2009. It is hard to believe that this was 13 years ago. To me it feels like it was just yesterday. Mattie received this wonderful Scooby Doo balloon from a friend and as you can see Mattie was keeping it close to him. Post surgery, Mattie spent a lot of time on the floor. It was easier for him to get around and to play with things. As walking and standing were very difficult for Mattie. Back then our home was filled to capacity with every toy and Lego possible. In the background of this photo, I can see many of the structures Peter and Mattie built together. I can also see a yellow shopping bag. Mattie receive so many wonderful gifts on a daily basis, that Peter and I would save many for a "rainy" day. Meaning a day or moment Mattie was having a rough time. To break through the mood, out came a gift. I can't tell you how these gifts saved us on so many occasions. This was the one blessing we received during Mattie's diagnosis and treatment, an incredible support network who met our every need and then some. 

Quote of the day: Today's coronavirus update from Johns Hopkins. 

• Number of people diagnosed with the virus: 55,069,347
• Number of people who died from the virus: 826,006

To my surprise today I found a gift on my doorstep. It was left behind by my friend Ken. Ken was Margy's husband. Margy lost her battle to ovarian cancer in March of 2021. So for Margy's family it is the first holiday season without her. I remember my own first holiday without Mattie. In so many ways our society conditions us to think that the first is always the hardest. In reality, it is hard but each subsequent holiday becomes challenging, but perhaps in a different way than the first. 

Everything about a first holiday, birthday, and milestone was hard after Mattie died, but it's hard because I was so emotionally raw. The body and mind were almost programmed for a disaster and therefore the actual holiday or milestone was survivable. It was typically days after, when I let my guard down, that I fell apart. I know I have discussed all these feelings with Ken and Margy's daughter. I think they find them helpful because what I am telling them most people do not talk about. Yet it needs to be heard, otherwise, it is quite possible that the conclusion one is left with is..... something is wrong with me! 

The photos above are priceless to me. When Margy was diagnosed with cancer, I would visit her monthly at her home. I would bring lunch, cupcakes, and we would chat for about six hours. Ken typically photographed our time together. In fact, one day he surprised me with my own photographic placemat at their kitchen table. In any case, the three photos you see here were taken at Margy's house around July 4th (on the left), at Curefest on the National Mall (top right), and at my 50th birthday party (bottom right). I am so glad that Margy was well enough to come to that party.