Monday, July 8, 2024

Monday, July 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie two years old. This was his second summer vacation in the Outer Banks. Amazing the difference a year made, because the previous year Mattie was frightened of the surf and hated the feeling of sand on his feet. But a year later, look at him! He was in his element. Exploring, building, and creating! I will never forget this moment in time and how I mistakenly thought that we would have many more years together at the beach! I can't tell you what I would do to have one more year with my family intact!

Quote of the day: I gave you the best of me. ~ Nicholas Sparks

It was a busy day of dealing with one task after the other. I have to get the car serviced this week. Not one of my favorite chores. I also had to get extended car warranties done, and that is another thing I took on and did. Honestly, I am so far out of my comfort zone this year that I can't even tell you. 

I met with our gardening company today because some of our grass is turning brown. I am getting an education on grass and how brown grass can mean multiple things, like fungus killing the grass! The problem with owning a house is things constantly need maintenance. I have a gas fireplace that doesn't work, a portico falling apart, side steps decaying and the list goes on. I am trying to address each and every one of these issues over time and when I can, and today I made connections with people who maybe able to help me. 

I took my mom to Starbuck's this afternoon and while there, I read a few pages from this book on ambiguous grief that I am trying to get through. Here's what I do not like about self help books. I guess by nature they have to be positive and prescriptive. The problem with this is when depressed, anxious, and dealing with great despair, this Pollyanna attitude it truly hard to stomach. To me it is a complete turn off. I have no idea why self help books can't just be honest! HONESTY!!! That when going through hell, there will be bad days, bad nights, and this will continue on for some time. That this is NORMAL and that in YOUR own time, you will find a way forward. I think instilling hope is possible, while also addressing the actual pain and reality.  

In the chapter I was reading, the author asked questions about trying to reimagine a future, such as:

1. What do I see myself doing?
2. With whom do I want to spend time?
3. How do I express my soul self? 

The questions lost me! What do I see myself doing? The answer is I have NO bloody IDEA, other than my daily tasks, and I can't imagine what else comes next. Accepting what comes next means that I have to explore and accept life without Peter. At which point, the book got put aside. 

I came across this photo on my doorbell camera today. It was taken days before Sunny died. By that point, the only way I could take Sunny outside, was through the front yard, as there was only one step (versus multiple steps into the backyard), and I had to carry him over the step with his PT harness. I can't believe this was in January, and this week marks Sunny's six month anniversary of his death.

My birthday is in July. Not my favorite celebration, as I tie my birthday to Mattie's cancer diagnosis. Now with Peter gone, my birthday seems inconsequential. However, friends are looking to support me and therefore, I always accept items that help Mattie Miracle. Below are links to our Candy/Snack and Toiletry Wish Lists. All of these items help to stock our Snack and Item Carts at local hospitals, which offer free candy, snacks, drinks, and toiletries to families caring for children with cancer or other life threatening illnesses. The first gift came in the mail today with this note! I found it very touching. 

Mattie Miracle Wish Lists............................

Candy & Snacks

Toiletries

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Children in my neighborhood saying hello to me today!
2. Friends who believe in Mattie Miracle's mission and work!
3. Ice and Benadryl. While working in the garden last evening, some bug stung my eye lid. My whole eye is swollen. It doesn't itch, just red and swollen. If something is going to happen, it will happen to me.