Friday, May 9, 2025

Friday, May 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2003. I posted a similar picture last night, but this one is equally priceless. Check out that goat! I am not sure who was more interested in the other.... but what I find so adorable was Mattie's big smile. He wasn't afraid, more intrigued and fascinated. I experienced so many adventures with Mattie and his loss reverberates throughout my life. It is a loss you just never get over! 

Quote of the day: Love is like the wind; you can’t see it, but you can feel it. ~ Nicholas Sparks

I do not believe in coincidences. Today I learned from two different friends, that family members who were pregnant, lost their babies. Losing a child at any stage of development is deeply painful. As we head into Mother's Day weekend, I can't help but reflect on how this loss is impacting these two women. When you become pregnant, the hope of being a mom quickly fills your head. Certainly you are scared carrying a life within you and you worry about whether you are qualified to be a good mom. But from the moment you learn that you are pregnant, you begin to envision your baby and what your life will look like. 

When a baby or child dies, your life as you envisioned it comes to a crashing halt. It is also natural to look for explanations for this loss, and as any good mother will ask herself..... was I the reason this baby/child died? Unfortunately what I have learned with Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death, is that there are some things that DO NOT make any sense and are out of our control! You can do everything right and loss still happens. 

These moms left home as THREE (mom, baby to be, and dad) and they returned home as TWO. Two that now need to face baby items that have been purchased and a space decorated and ready for a baby. It is heart breaking. The day that Mattie died, September 8, 2009, is a day that will remain with me always. Mattie suffered a horrendous death. He was gasping for air for six hours and the amount of pain meds being pushed through his IVs made his bed look like a warzone. Filled with syringes! Mattie refused to die, his body had finished functioning, but his spirit wanted to stay with me. In the end, Mattie was injected with a high dose of propofol in order to induce a coma. While this dosage was given to Mattie, I was holding him. Within seconds his body went limp and the machine monitoring his vitals, flat lined. It is a sobering reality to hold your child in your arms while hearing this deafening flat line! 

Mattie chose to die in the hospital, which was a brilliant choice, because I could never have managed his pain at home. After Mattie died, his favorite nurse, Tricia was with us. Ironically we started our journey with Tricia and ended Mattie's life with Tricia. I think Tricia came into our life for a reason and to this day, we are still connected. That is how deeply connected Mattie left us. When Mattie died in the hospital, Tricia had to clean Mattie's body and prepare him to go to the hospital's morgue (yes in a body bag). The cleaning was almost ritual like, as if we were taking part in a religious sacrament. But there was also an impromptu wake in Mattie's room with about 15 people sitting around Mattie in a circle, recounting memories and saying their good-byes to Mattie and lending support to us. Once this was over, then the reality hit...... we entered the hospital as three and left as two! I can't tell you how traumatized I was, what a hollow, empty, and sickening feeling took over, and I had no idea how I was going to go on without my son. 

As I reflect on my own loss, I am cognizant that many companies are asking customers whether they wanted to opt out of receiving communications about Mother's Day! When Mattie died in 2009, such an opt out message did not exist. But with more sensitivity to loss, trauma, and hardships regarding motherhood, companies now give people options. 

As Mother's Day approaches, please pause and reflect on all the individuals whose mom's may have died, and all the women who either could never conceive or lost a child. This pain and loss are felt daily and definitely heightened on Mother's Day. 

We are programmed to look for gifts on Mother's Day, but here's the thing..... if you are lucky enough to have a healthy child, then from my perspective you have already received the best Mother's Day gift there is...... no flowers, cards, chocolates, or items can replace the GIFT OF LIFE!