Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was recovering from a sternotomy, which removed 7 tumors that spread to his lungs. Asking Mattie to use a tradition spirometer to exercise his lungs wasn't going to happen! So Mattie's care team had no problem getting creative. This was one of the fun activities.... a big water basin, with a Lego pirate ship, an octopus and a soccer ball. The goal was to get Mattie to take deep breaths in order to move the boat and the ball!
Quote of the day: Two people, who were together once, are now strangers because of a pillar called betrayal. This is perhaps the saddest thing. ~ Warsan Shire
After my dad's physical therapy session this morning, I went grocery shopping. I have a two hour window to get things done after his session, because it leaves him wiped out. My mom was also very tired, so I settled them into their seats, with heating blankets (yes even in the summer), and I went on my way.
While driving, I had the radio on. They were having a throw back Thursday, and played Shania Twain's You're Still The One. Frankly I do not consider 1997, that much of a throw back, but okay, moving passed that notion, I actually listened to the lyrics on a whole new level today. Ironically I have heard this song many, many times over the years. But until now, with the lens of deep grief, betrayal, and abandonment, the lyrics absolutely got me. It was as if the song was written for me. If you don't know what on earth I am talking about, here is the official video of the song....................................
The lyrics that got to me were.................
They said, I bet they'll never make it, But just look at us holding on, We're still together, still going strong.
Certainly people always thought my husband and I went together perfectly. In fact, unless you read this blog or talk to me directly, the majority of people in our lives DO NOT know we are divorced. It is true, marriages can fall apart after a child's death. In fact, I distinctly remember one friend saying to me after Mattie died..... if things don't work out in your marriage, everything will be okay. Truly I had no idea what on earth she was even referring to because from my perspective, our marriage was indestructible. Nothing could separate us. After Mattie's death we did HOLD ON, we were STILL together, and we were GOING STRONG and created a non-profit together in Mattie's memory. Truly we were the epitome of Shania Twain's song!
As many of my blog readers know, I still wear my wedding ring. There are many reasons for this, but in my mind my husband is my husband. The man I married is etched in my mind. This is the man who left post-it notes all over the house for me, the man who wrote beautiful cards and notes to me over decades and the man who I could share anything with and never felt judged, but only emotionally supported. This is the man I married, and the person I am still morally married to. Yes legally we are divorced, but that is the law. Our religious and spiritual connection was sealed in the Catholic Church and in the eyes of the church, we are morally married. Marriage is viewed as a lifelong covenant between a man and a woman, reflecting the love between Christ and the Church. Our marriage could never get annulled and therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate.
Why do I say all of this? I say it because when you are rocked to your core, turning to your faith is truly all one has left. I know what our years together looked like, I know what we managed, coped, and survived together. It is a hard process to mentally accept that the person I married no longer exists. I just can't wrap my head around the impossible, so instead, when I wonder were my last 37 years real (in July will be our 30th wedding anniversary and we dated 7 years before we married), I turn to the covenant of marriage and remind myself.... INDEED it was all real, and this commitment was solidified before God, family, and friends.
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