Thursday, July 17, 2025

Thursday, July 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie was two years old. By that time, Mattie was acclimated to the sand and surf. A big difference from the year before, where we spent no time in the sand because Mattie disliked the feelings of the sand on his feet and he was deathly afraid of the ocean. But by two, Mattie discovered that he could build and create with sand! That he LOVED! To me summer always meant a trip to the beach. It saddens me that I will never be returning to these places again. 

Quote of the day: Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. ~ Margaret Mitchell

We got to the hospital today for our family team meeting. In attendance was my dad's doctor, the case manager, the rehab coordinator, and another physician. Given that I experienced these lack luster meetings in 2022, I knew the team comes in and out of the room and there really isn't much dialogue or time to process things. In 2022, the meeting indicated that my dad was going to be discharged that week. Today, we learned that my dad won't be discharged until July 26. So this means he will be in the rehab a total of two weeks. 

Truly for me it is hard to keep it together, because people in my outside world think that the only thing I am coping with is caregiving! Little do they know that my husband left me, I got divorced, I am managing a house myself, caregiving for both of my parents around the clock, and running Mattie Miracle. That is just a synopsis that truly doesn't address the daily juggling act I perform. Not to mention the deep emotional wounds I live with on a daily basis. Some days, I can put all that hurt in a box and other days, when stressed out and overwhelmed, I am angry and will push back on the care team if they are not meeting my dad's needs. 

Today at the care team meeting, they warned me that by the time my dad is discharged he may not be able to walk up and down a flight of stairs. So they mentioned a stair lift! I love these crazy suggestions! I say crazy because one, stair lifts are NOT covered by insurance, and two, the average stair lift costs $5,000. How do I know this, because after having a hissy fit, I text messaged my neighbor who installed one a year ago for his dad. He gave me the 411 on stair lifts! Any case, I am dealing with so much, why not throw something else on my plate to manage. Overall, I HATE having to make all these decisions alone, to be the only adult on duty, and to not have the support of my spouse. I assure you I would NEVER have signed up to do 24/7 caregiving, without being married. Yet here I am. Which is why tonight's quote is so apropo... as life is under NO obligation at all to give us what we want or expect.

It is clear that my dad's doctor can see I am under great stress and distress. Of course he doesn't know the full picture of why, yet without knowing the full picture, he suggested I try counseling! Hysterical! Truly hysterical. I endured a year of counseling. It was ineffectual as I don't need anyone giving me atta girls or telling me.... wow look how much you are have learned and accomplished! My response is BIG DEAL! I didn't need many of the horrors I have experienced to illustrate my inner strength. Despite this being my own profession, I have faced once again that there are things in life that truly can't be fixed, solved, or made better. NO amount of therapy will change what has happened or how I am feeling. Losing Mattie and the manner in which I got divorced are so awful, that if I survive this, the only way for me to cope with all these thoughts and feelings is a little bit at a time. 

When I got home tonight, I found my grass being cut and the lawnmower running right into my backyard gate and taking it down. Seems about right for my life. So I had to take photos and send it to the company. Something I will have to deal with tomorrow. Certainly my dad is where he needs to be now, because he doesn't have the strength to come home right now, but I have to say the daily visits back and forth to the hospital are very tiring. My mom and I spend five to six hours a day there. It is vital to keep my dad orientated to reality. Keep in mind that he has NO IDEA where he is, and most times thinks he is home. I have explained to him the time line of what has happened to him and repeat it every ten minutes. I have written some things down on his white board in the room, but tomorrow I am bringing in a July calendar so we can mark off days and include some information about his hospitalization. I am stunned that his therapists haven't done this in one of their sessions, but given my dad's confusion and frustration, I am addressing this ASAP.