Saturday, June 21, 2025

Saturday, June 21, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie was six years old and I snapped this photo because I wasn't sure who interested me more.... Mattie or Patches. Mattie wanted to feed Patches and Patches, though wanting her food, wasn't sure this was a good idea! Patches was one smart cat and as soon as Mattie was born, she instinctively understood that he was special and she better be on good behavior. No matter what Mattie did to her (chasing her, pulling her tail.... until he learned how to treat a pet kindly), she never lashed out! When Mattie got cancer, we placed a hospital bed in our living room. Patches stayed close and was on the bed with Mattie, keeping him company. When Mattie died, Patches did a vigil in Mattie's room for months. Patches typically did not spend a lot of time in Mattie's room once he was born. But after Mattie died, Patches would sleep right on top of Mattie's pillows! 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

On Sunday, my dad's assistant is visiting with her husband and friend. My dad hasn't seen Valerie for decades, yet she has always remained in touch with my parents. Keep in mind she worked with my dad in the 70s! I knew Valerie as a child, and was the flower girl in her wedding. Since I want this visit to go smoothly, I decided to host a luncheon at home. It isn't easier for me, but it will work out better to have a meaningful conversation and connection. 

One of the things I collected over the course of my marriage is several different China patterns. I decided to highlight blue for tomorrow, and if you enlarge the photo, you will see my pink roses and day lilies from my garden. 

Each morning, if I am not up by 7am, Indie wakes me up. She literally throws her body at my bedroom door and meows incessantly. Truly she is worse than an alarm clock. This morning, after dragging myself up, I sat outside on the porch for about 15 minutes with a cup of tea. This was the highlight of my day. But what I do know is sitting still is not easy for me, because my level of anxious and sadness can overwhelm me. Therefore, I keep moving! 

Indie loves being outside and when my husband was here, it was easier to keep track of Indie. But now, I am juggling my parents and therefore, Indie spends little to no time outside with me. When she is outside, she loves being on the couch watching the hummingbirds at the feeders!

Today I baked a three layer lemon cake with a lemon buttercream frosting! Whenever I make a cake, I think of my husband, as he always did the frosting for me. He had an artistic style with frosting, which I appreciated. Since he left, I have had to learn. With each cake I make, my frosting gets better, but if you think I have gotten used to being single, you would be VERY wrong. 

This afternoon, I went to the backyard to pick flowers and water my roses. In the midst of doing this work, I noticed a big tree limb had fallen right onto my neighbor's fence. I literally panicked! Everything sends me right over the deep end. It is moments like this, I would turn to my husband and we would come up with solutions or he'd take care of it himself. I certainly can't move this heavy tree limb, I don't have a chain saw, and therefore, I snapped photos and sent it to my landscaper. They will need to cut this tree limb and cart it away. I try to do all the other branches and smaller limbs that come down, but I know my limits. I can't afford to injure myself, because if I do, then everything in my household comes to a grinding halt. 

Needless to say, tonight, I feel very sad and depressed. Sometimes the FULL magnitude of my loss hits me, and today is such a day. Perhaps it is because I am hosting a luncheon tomorrow, and whenever I am around other people, it is glaringly obvious who is missing in my life. I truly do not know how I function, because life without Mattie was horrific enough, but now life without the person I lived my life with for 35 years, is close to unbearable.