Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2005. Mattie was 3 years old. That year we made his costume together! He wanted to be a calico cat, like our cat Patches. So we bought a black sweatsuit and felt fabric. We cut out patches of felt and then Mattie hot glued them onto the sweatsuit. Mattie was a champ with a glue gun. He was the one who taught me how to use it! I then got a pair of black tights for the tail and we glued patches of felt onto it. As you can see Mattie was proud of the finished product. However, Mattie never got to wear this costume in 2005, because he developed an ear infection which turned into sepsis. He literally took Mattie to the emergency room and he was so sick, that he was admitted, and missed Halloween. Mind you I had taken Mattie the day before his ER visit to the pediatrician and I told her I thought Mattie had an ear infection. She thought I was an over anxious mom, and dismissed us! Guess who was correct? Any case, when Mattie was admitted to the hospital, this same pediatrician came to visit Mattie and she literally apologized to me! Needless to say, moving forward, she never doubted me when I said there was a problem! As I always say NO ONE KNOWS THE CHILD BETTER THAN THE PARENT.
Quote of the day: A tormented mind wants to forget, what a broken heart will always remember. ~ Anthony Liccione
Today, I tried to take a deep breath and regroup. I am balancing so much, that some times I can feel my level of stress and anxiety, with my heart feeling like it is beating so fast and fluttering. I am no stranger to this feeling. Soon after Mattie died, I experienced my first real bout of clinical anxiety and panic attacks. Of course at the time, I had no idea what was happening to me. I assumed it was my heart. After enduring stress tests and wearing a heart monitor for a week, I learned that my problem was NOT physical. Of course that was wonderful news, but then what???? How could I manage these intense feelings and control them so they did not overtake my life? Certainly I could have taken medication or did talk therapy, but I didn't! Instead, I started a walking routine back then. Some days I was walking ten miles. When that feeling of panic would arise, I would pop on my sneakers, and outside I would go, regardless of the weather. While walking, I would do a lot of self talk. Talk that would rationalize in my head what I was experiencing, and reminding myself that nothing was physically wrong with me. Instead, I needed to understand the incredible trauma I had endured and the incredible grief I was facing. Within a matter of weeks, my walking and internally talking routine worked. To this day, when a panic attack comes on, I know the feeling, and I also know I have the STRENGTH and DETERMINATION to work through it without needing to walk! But it took a lot of time and work on my part to achieve this coping strategy.
This morning, my mom was observing what I was juggling with my dad. She was besides herself watching me clean up the bathroom after one of my dad's irritable bowel episodes. What once was a weekly occurrence, has now become a daily one with my dad. Sometimes multiple times a day. This type of issue makes my mom upset and anxious. Fortunately, I can handle all of this without skipping a beat. I just prepare myself that these issues will happen, and therefore I do not get anxious. Now that doesn't mean I like them, or that at times I do not get angry that this is the full extent of my life, but none of this triggers anxiety for me. Keeping my dad clean is a full time job in and of itself, because with his multiple skin issues, he can easily develop sores. I want to avoid sores, infections, and potential hospitalizations.
Which was why, as I started today's blog.... I took a deep breath. I did take my parents out for brunch and while out I received a lovely phone call, where I was told I was LOVED. That phone call brought a smile to my face, because through all of this, those who know me, remind me how special I am, how devoted I am to those I love, and that I make a difference in people's lives. This call transformed my afternoon.
Meanwhile, this week, I have to address a furnace NOT working (I assure you I am frozen inside the house!) and the contractor starts work on Tuesday to begin fixing the hole in my dining room ceiling from the summer bathroom flood, and then renovating the bathroom that was practically striped apart from water damage. It is hard enough juggling my parents, their needs, and schedule. So I know having the contractor here will add another layer of crazy to my existence. As I always say.... God give me the strength to face and survive each day.
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