Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. I will never forget this moment in time! Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day for another round of treatment. However, Mattie wasn't in a happy place. Linda, Mattie's child life specialist, understood this and came up with a plan. She received a big shipment of toys and products for the child life playroom. She was in there sorting and organizing everything. She brought Mattie into the playroom to help her! Linda got Mattie right from day one! Mattie was a busy fellow and he did better when he had a chore, task or responsibility! As you can see, Mattie was right in the mix helping Linda! I used to call Linda my "Medical Mary Poppins," as she had a clever way of finding a solution to every problem.
Quote of the day: During the day, memories could be held at bay, but at night, dreams became the devil's own accomplices. ~ Sharon Kay Penman
I went to bed last night with a lot of things on my mind. Never a good thing, as sleep no longer comes naturally to me. Some days I feel like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, and even though I am exhausted, I can't fall asleep. Soon after Mattie died, I had this same feeling. A feeling of complete angst, sadness, and fear. Fear..... because it is very disorienting to think of the world in one way, just to find out that what you thought for years was VERY wrong. My analogy that I use with people to help them understand the depths of my confusion is to imagine that all your life you have known that the sky is blue and above your head, but then one day out of the blue you learn..... you were VERY wrong. The sky is actually on the ground and the ground is up in the sky! It makes you question everything! How could you be so wrong? Then you wonder, if you were wrong about the sky/ground, what else are you wrong about? Truly it is a whirlwind of confusion swirling around in my mind sometimes. Most days I can tamp it down, because I am juggling caregiving, the house, finances, and the Foundation. But last night was NOT one of those nights!
I just couldn't fall asleep! I could have sat in bed and become upset that I couldn't fall sleep, or I could accept it and instead turn on the TV. I watch one Hallmark movie after the other. That is my therapy. I became addicted to Hallmark movies in 2009, right after Mattie died. What I love about Hallmark, is there are NEVER unhappy endings! So now I carry the loss of Mattie and the profound loss of my marriage with me.
One of the movies I was watching last night was called Love Struck Cafe. A trailer for it is below. Basically it is about a young woman who returns home and in the process gets reconnected with her first love. The whole town knew these two were destined to be together, but it took many years apart, for them to find their way back together. One of poignant lines in the movie was from one of the long-time town residents, who said.... A First Love is a Forever Love! Needless to say an innocent and touching comment, sent me right over the edge. My over the edge never looks hysterical or crying. Instead, over the edge means that internally I feel like I am drowning. So last night I was internally drowning and unable to sleep.
This morning, I had two physical therapy appointments. One for my dad and one for my mom, with two different therapists. One of the therapists, I have known for over two years now. He is a kind soul, who works at an in-home healthcare agency. His dad actually does the physical therapy assessments and the son provides the therapy. When he arrived, he asked me how things were going. I literally told him my concerns about my dad's pressure sore. I explained that the doctor truly wasn't willing to offer help or place an order for wound care. I showed the physical therapist the sore, I sent him photos and he reached out to the nurse who works for the in-home healthcare agency. I have gotten to know this nurse over the years too! Well within an hour, the agency got a doctor's script in place and wound care starts tomorrow morning. I can't tell you how grateful I am because if I do not address this early, this will take months of care to manage in order to prevent an infection.
Overall this has been a sad week for me. When the reality of my losses hit me straight on and I remain deeply confused as to how I could be facing my life as a single person now. What I do know is last night's move gave voice to what I have always felt in my heart and that is............ first loves are forever loves.
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