Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and a half old. Early on I did computer time with Mattie. On the computer would we do word games and other educational activities geared to little ones. We even went onto sites that played kids music and we would we bounce around and sing along. Mattie loved the show JJ the Jet Plane. I can't tell you how many JJ the Jet Plane songs we used to sing together. Honestly if Mattie was engaged and interested, then it did not matter how many times we sang a particular song or played a particular game. It was okay by me, as that time together was what came first!
Quote of the day: That we were all so happy. It seems unimaginable. All that happiness, wrecked. ~ Paula Hawkins
You would think as time marches on, that all the losses and traumas I have endured would be easier to accept and manage. However, I am not sure that is how grief, loss, and trauma works. Some things impact us to the core, and therefore, though we may look like we are functioning, getting things accomplished, and productive, that doesn't mean if you scratch our surface, pain and emotion won't come pouring out. Each morning I wake up disillusioned, that feeling hasn't changed over the course of these last two years. The only difference is I am used to this feeling now and I have accepted that it is okay to be lost and confused at times, because what I am enduring is traumatic.
While getting dressed this morning, I was listening to the radio. I heard the hosts of the show introduce a new song. Well that alone is NO BIG DEAL! But it was what they were saying about this artist and the song that caught my attention. So much so that I stopped getting ready and paused. I wanted to hear the song! I wanted to see if I too related to his lyrics! Why? Because the hosts explained that Matt Cooper wrote the song entitled, Highs and Lows when he was in a very dark place in his life. He had just lost his mom to cancer. He was lost, confused, and unable to see a way forward. He was attending a support group and it was one of his fellow group members who talked about his pain by saying..... I get high all the time when I feel low. Apparently it was this man's words and his experiences in the support group that inspired the song Highs and Lows.
Obviously this song has a spiritual component, and I believe in times of deep despair it is vital to turn to something bigger than ourselves. The 'something bigger' may look different for each of us. One of the lines in the song is "I’d pray I’d find someone to hold me together." Each day, when I am faced with a cornucopia of emotions I say two things to myself..... God give me strength and Mattie.... watch over your mom and help me hold it together. So indeed this song meant something to me this morning because it is challenging at times to put feelings and thoughts into words. The English language, in my opinion, is limited to describe the depths of pain, sorrow, and loss. These are just words, but these words have incredible weight to those of us carrying them. Yet what this song indicates to me is that each of us at some point in our lives is faced with an emotional crossroads. Where the pain is excruciating and we have to ask ourselves.... how are we going to get through the day, and the day after that, and will we always feel this way?
The beauty of this song is it builds upon itself. So you get to see how being down, gets turned somewhat around. But unlike with this song, I don't know what my third chorus in life will look like, and frankly when feeling this low I can't even see things ever being any different than they are now. Yet I appreciate the candor of hearing someone else's pain, as it inspires in all of us that things can change for the better.
Highs and Lows......................................................