Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that week we took him to Boston to visit my in-laws. This tree swing has entertained multiple generations! Mattie loved it, as did I. In fact, when I first visited this house when I was in college, I went right for the swing. I have always loved tree swings as to me there is something magical about flying through the air and having greenery all around you. Mattie enabled me to have a second childhood, and I would say that the second time around was better as I got to see the world through his eyes.
Quote of the day: Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done. ~ Sandra Lee Dennis
I received an email today from my health insurer. I can't believe it, but all my advocacy work has paid off! I got an approval letter for Prolia. The approval is only for a year, so apparently I have to jump through this hoop again next year! Truly, I feel like this was a victory, because my doctor's office was frustrated and wanted me to simply accept what was easily approved, and that would be a daily injectable. NO THANK YOU!
There are times in my life, when the only things I can watch are Hallmark Movies. I can't handle hearing about pain, hearing about crises, or anything else that is remotely depressing. My mind and heart just can't take it. When Mattie died, that was my first experience with turning to Hallmark. I literally had the TV on during every hour of the day! I am not sure whether the silence was too painful to hear or whether the silence would have forced me to face my reality. Either case, THERE was NO silence, because Hallmark kept me focused on various story lines. What I always loved about Hallmark, besides wholesome story lines, is that there are NO UNHAPPY endings. NONE! Life is filled with many unhappy endings, I don't need to see that on a screen in front of me. All I know is Hallmark was my therapy then, and it is my therapy now.
Every night, after I get my parents into bed, Indie and I head to my bedroom, and on goes the TV. I go straight to Hallmark! My DVR is filled with countless Hallmark movies and as strange as this sounds, it fills me with hope that someone is writing such scripts. Scripts where men actually mean what they say and are able to express themselves honestly and openly, and are willing to make personal sacrifices for true love. What a concept! Prior to my husband walking out on me, I embodied this same philosophy, that marriage is forever and you grow together, because "I do" is "always and forever." It is a hard reality to know that after 35 years, I was the only one in this equation who lived by that philosophy. It is very easy to become bitter by this, it is very easy to be angry, and disgusted with any and all relationships. Which is why I get a daily nightly dosage of happiness, of love, of commitments, and kindness.
Last night I was watching a movie and the main character was talking about how being openly vulnerable to others shows our humanity. By showing our humanity, it in essence bonds people to us. I let that swirl around in my mind, and I would have to say that my nightly blogs are just that..... they give you a snapshot into my very vulnerable self. That could cause you to run in the other direction, but for the most part, the opposite happens. I have had loyal readers for years, and perhaps one of the reasons is exactly what was revealed in the Hallmark movie.... being vulnerable and sharing that vulnerability enables others to see that you TOO are not alone. We are human, and being human is filled with many moments, months, and years that are sometimes hard to understand and cope with, and maybe in a some small way, by hearing my stories, enables you to face and cope with your own stories. If this is true, then I am humbled that something I am writing is touching your heart and maybe helping you get through to the next day. Since my husband left me, I am back to living one hour and day at a time, and from my experience with losing Mattie, that is sometimes as good as it gets.
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