Sunday, May 13, 2012

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, around Mother's Day. Mattie worked with Jenny and Jessie (his art therapists) to create this present for me. Mattie actually used a potter's wheel to create the red vase, he glazed it, and then hand crafted the tissue paper flowers. I was asked to wait in Mattie's room that day, while Jenny and my mom wheeled Mattie into the room to surprise me with this gift. This gift was very special then, and it remains very special to me since it is the last mother's day gift I will ever receive from Mattie. This vase and its flowers remain in my living room, and each time I see them, it reminds me of this day captured in this photo. Thank goodness Mattie was so prolific and creative in the Hospital, because all his things are what I now turn to as reminders of his presence in my life.


Quote of the day: Making a decision to have a child--it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

It is hard to imagine that this is the third Mother's Day I have spent without Mattie. It seems almost impossible to wrap my thoughts around this concept. In some ways I am so exhausted and focused on planning the Foundation's Walk, that I do not have the emotional energy to process Mother's Day. Two of my friends invited me out today, to share the day with them. But I decided instead to keep on working and to run chores with Peter. However, as I promised my readers earlier in the week, I want to share some pictures of my newly created Mattie wall with you. I have always wanted to create this wall, and Peter made this possible. He ordered the frames and all the photos as my Mother's Day present and for two weekends straight, we have been working on the layout of this composition.

Our staircase is very long, and I have always wanted to capture Mattie through his various life stages on this wall. However, one thing or another got in the way, and I never did it. I suppose I was too busy with life and raising Mattie, to worry about framing pictures. But now, pictures are all we have left.

It took us a while to figure out which picture went where, but I have to say I love our new Mattie Wall, and I will always remember we created this around Mother's Day of 2012.

It is hard to capture the true nature of this photo display, but I have to say seeing it in person, it makes a statement. It shows Mattie's energy, spirit, and whimsical nature.

In the midst of running chores, we did stop for a late lunch. There were a ton of people out celebrating Mother's Day, but somehow sitting outside at a restaurant did not make it seem as bad. My mind however is racing with a thousand thoughts for the Walk, so it is at times hard for me to eat or sit still. Around my neck is a Mother's Day present my parents sent me this weekend. In the heart of the necklace are Forget me Nots. At Mattie's funeral we gave out Forget me Not seeds to all our attendees. For the first year after Mattie's death, Forget me Nots were very important to us, since we planted many seeds ALL over town. In places that meant something to Mattie. So now I have this beautiful reminder around my neck.

I would like to end tonight's posting with five messages I received today. It is my hope that all our readers who are mothers had a beautiful day in which you felt the importance and appreciation of your role. The first message is from my Mom. She wrote, "Grandma would be proud of you if she were here to see your accomplishments in raising funds to help children stricken with cancer in memory of Mattie's life and his courage in facing an excruciatingly painful death which ended before it had ever begun! Your courage, determination, and vision guided you in the process of converting your deep emotional pain into a quest for hope and a better tomorrow for children who are suffering from cancer today like Mattie once did. In the last three years, you have developed into an awesome force using the power of your voice and its message to educate the general public about the urgency of your cause letting it ripple through innumerable hearts and minds to find a place of its own in the mainstream of society. From small waves of interest, you have over time created a tsunami of support to bring about change and enlightenment in childhood cancer treatment and care. This has come about only as the result of personal sacrifice and it's a choice that involves significant life changes in order to satisfy the obligations and responsibilities you have chosen to make for the children and their families that you represent through Mattie Miracle. You have opened many eyes to the urgency of your cause! Daddy and I always knew that you were tenacious, prone to vigorous debate, even as a child, when at odds with either of us and that thankfully you've taken the strong personality you were born with and put it to use serving a good cause. Have you ever stopped to wonder where Mattie's strong personality came from?? You have spoken of it often but I wonder if you acknowledged that was another trait the two of you had in common! Have a wonderful Mother's Day as you are and will always be a wonderful mother!!"

The second message if from Toni, Brandon's (Mattie's big buddy) mom. Toni wrote, "Just wanted to wish you a Happy Mother's day! Mattie would be so PROUD of his parents! Thank you for helping our kids!"

The third message is from my friend Heidi. Heidi wrote, "I am thinking of you today. You will always be a mother to your little precious angel Mattie and to all the other children you are helping with the Mattie Miracle Foundation. You are truly an inspiration to me for your kindness, empathy, charity and love for others. I am blessed to have you in my life I hope you have a beautiful day."

The fourth message is from one of the wonderful psycho-oncologists I have had the pleasure of getting to know from our March Symposium. Lori wrote, "I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you today. These Hallmark days can be so ridiculously difficult. I am so glad that your mom is still with you - she sure did an amazing job with you! I also hope you feel really pleased for ALL that you have accomplished this year alone for Mattie. You continue to inspire me daily. Looking forward to our future work and collaborations and know you deserve to feel exceptionally proud today."

The final message is from my friend, Tamra. Tamra wrote, "Today is the Sunday set aside for Mother's Day. Upon reflection of this day, I think about you and how our friendship would not have begun because of our children..you and I as Mothers. In the short but remarkable life of Mattie, we shared hope and love for your marvelous boy. As a mother, you have been so brave and generous in celebrating all children and find the reservoir to continue to give hope for children and their families who face uncertain journeys. You are a remarkable women and mother. In gratitude and love."