Tuesday, June 24, 2025

Tuesday, June 24, 2025 -- Mattie died 800 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was in his preschool classroom, in his favorite location... up in the loft. The loft had steps up, and it was like entering a tree house. I remember when Mattie first started at this preschool, the director of the school said that in all her years, she never saw a child go through so much tape as Mattie. Mattie apparently loved tape, not scotch tape, but painter's tape, that came in multiple colors. He apparently loved to tape up the entire treehouse! Truly when I heard this, it made me laugh. It was at this preschool that Mattie came into his own, made solid friendships, and to this day, many of my friends came from this school. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal can only happen if you love. ~ John le Carre

Mattie died on September 8, 2009, which was a Tuesday. Each Tuesday, on the blog, I track the number of weeks Mattie has been gone. Why do I do this? Because on that Tuesday, my life changed forever. It is a day that is permanently etched in my mind. Therefore all subsequent Tuesdays, are clouded by that horrific Tuesday.

When I noticed that today marks 800 weeks since Mattie's death, it caught me off guard! How could 800 weeks or 16 years have just flown by? It just doesn't seem possible. My life keeps chugging along, but in so many ways, when Mattie died so did I. With each traumatic loss, a piece of you disappears. Or these pieces just get consumed, and you are left with the ashes of your former self. I am sure this sounds crazy, but it is the reality and as you know I am NOT afraid of calling out the truth. 

I have several friends going through their own losses, either because of death of a spouse, or abandonment by a spouse. The one common denominator for all of us, is the feeling of NOTHINGNESS. Meaning nothing interests us, there seems like there is nothing left for us in the world, and forget defining who we are, what we want, or what we hope for. This may sound depressing, and you maybe saying.... wow, how is this possible? It is NOT only possible, but it is the reality of anyone deep into grief and/or trauma. Nothingness...... is as good as it gets! I am aware of this nothingness feeling, because I somehow survived Mattie's diagnosis and death. Which is why my current state is not as upsetting! I am not necessarily wondering.... what is wrong with me? Will I always feel this way? The simple answer is nothing is wrong with me or with my friends and YES unfortunately I will always feel this way!

Healing from grief and trauma is NOT about bouncing back to normal! If this is the hope you may have for yourself or someone you know, then I am afraid you are headed for a bad fall! The way to cope with the impossible, is to take it one day at a time. These feelings do not go away, and you do not magically return to "normal." As so many hope and wish for you! Instead, you learn to live with all these uncomfortable and unsettling feelings. They become more familiar to you, and with this familiar feeling, you somehow find your way in the world to let other people and experiences back in. But if you see someone close to you who is pulling away from you, shutting down, setting up barriers and boundaries, this is not only NORMAL, this is needed to cope with unimaginable pain, loss, and trauma. 

One of my friends says she could never survive if she did not talk to me or others she know who are going through abandonment each day. Yes this maybe true, as it always helps to find others experiencing similar issues and knowing you are not alone. Together we find words to describe the unexplainable, the unimaginable, that makes no sense in our minds, hearts, and spirits.  

I admire women who choose to be single and are happy and able to have enriched lives. I wasn't meant to be single, I don't do single well, and I chose to get married to my college sweetheart at the age of 24 for a reason. Because for me, life is much better shared with someone you love and trust. Tomorrow, I head for my 90 minute breast MRI. To me this is a hateful test and given that my insurer is requiring me to go to a new testing site, I am not happy. There is some comfort in the familiar of a system. Especially when my emergency contact is NOW GONE! I head into this test alone physically and literally and it is a daunting notion, knowing that whatever the outcome is, I face that alone too. 

Monday, June 23, 2025

Monday, June 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie was six years old and believe it or not, a month later he was diagnosed with cancer. Little did we know how our lives would be forever changed. I look at this photo now and it makes me pause. I pause because there are times I forget that Mattie did sit with us at our dining room table, and yet my mind has brushed over all our family meals together. Thank goodness for photos, which jog my memory! I also look at my parents here and realize how much younger and vibrant they were, and just like Mattie, I would never have guessed their decline. 

Quote of the day: No matter how badly people treat you, never drop down to their level, just know you’re better and walk away. ~ Unknown

When I tell you that most mornings I wake up and ask myself..... what shoe will drop today? I am NOT kidding. Again, today did not disappoint. I am so exhausted from the weekend and life in general, but I pulled myself out of bed at 6:45am. Thankfully I did, because at 7am, the person who helps me maintain the pool rang the doorbell. The pool company is working very hard at correcting my murky bathtub outside, which I have been looking at for a month now. Literally she added 30 gallons of chlorine to the pool on Friday, and our pool is a salt water pool. But it needed to be "shocked" back into normality. Slowly but surely it is working. I spoke with Jessica at length today in my pajamas, as there are various issues that I am seeing and needed to be reported. 

Once I finally got showered and dressed, I started on breakfast downstairs, before beginning my cleaning and caregiving routine. All of a sudden while prepping stuff, I heard my mom screaming from upstairs! Naturally I stopped what I was doing and asked her what was wrong. At which point she told me she was bleeding and couldn't stop the blood flow. Fortunately the blood was coming from her nose, and I have seen her massive nose bleeds before. Typically dry air makes her nose dry and then she blows her nose incessantly and that causes her to burst a blood vessel. If you have never seen a burst vessel, I assure you the amount of blood coming out is impressive. It was all over her and the floor. It looked like a crime scene. Once Mattie got cancer, there is no longer even a part of me that is squeamish. I have seen it all. The issue on top of stopping the blood was also calming my mom down. She was hysterical and shaking like a leaf. When someone is hysterical and traumatized..... you literally have to talk to them, like you are going back to basics. I told her to sit down. The to stop talking, then to take a deep breath and then I shoved a wadded tissue up her nose and ran to get an ice pack. I brought her back to her bed, had her sit on the heated blanket, and I propped her up with pillows, with her head slightly tipped backward. This enabled the ice bag to sit properly on the bridge of her nose. Literally I was at it with her for 30 minutes. I finally got the blood to stop and she began to calm down. 

Of course in the process my dad was confused, as I was in their bedroom. Therefore in his mind that meant he was ready to get up and start his morning routine. At which point, I literally told him... NO! STAY PUT! It isn't time to get up! I couldn't juggle him and her at the same time, and the one who was bleeding and hysterical took precedence! 

Any case, my morning schedule was thrown off and I got my dad to his memory care center about 15 minutes late. Which was a bit problematic, as he had a physical therapy session scheduled. After dropping my dad off, I went home and spent TWO HOURS working through June bills. This was a hateful month and you would think since I have been doing bills since September of 2023, that I would be used to it by now. I AM NOT! I HATE IT with every fiber of my being. In fact, overall, to me life is one big chore, with no end in sight, and with no hope for a future. My future walked out the door in September of 2023, and since that point, I have been forever changed.  YET AGAIN!

Sunday, June 22, 2025

Sunday, June 22, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. This was Mattie's second 7th birthday party. His actual birthday was celebrated at the hospital. But then my friend Christine hosted a special party for friends in her backyard. One of the highlights was a Reptiles Alive show. As you can see, a snake was introduced to Mattie. If you don't know this, then let me assure you I HATE SNAKES! I am deathly afraid of them. My fear, only inspired Mattie's bravery! Mattie had no problem touching this snake, whereas I was screaming! This moment in time was so iconic, that Mattie's cancer buddy, Jocelyn, gave Mattie a stuffed animal snake, name Sunshine (to commemorate this photo!). Sunshine remains with me, and hangs overhead in my closet. It is the only snake I can tolerate!

Quote of the day: Two people, who were together once, are now strangers because of a pillar called betrayal. This is perhaps the saddest thing. ~ Warsan Shire

We had three guests today for lunch! The lady standing directly between my parents is Valerie. Valerie was my dad's assistant from 1979 to 1984. Though they only worked together five years, they were very close. My dad was the best man at her wedding and I was the flower girl. Valerie lives on the West coast and she traveled East with two of her friends, Amina and Connie. I am so glad she reached out to visit with us!

For the most part, my dad does not remember Valerie. I worked on jogging his memory all week. I prepped Valerie for my dad's Alzheimer's and she was great with him. She still calls him "boss." But don't think she can't hold her own with him. She is bright and quick on her feet. In my dad's hay day, he could be challenging to work for, but Valerie knew how to manage him! So they were a great team. Valerie and her friend, Amina, are also 911 operators. Hearing some of Valerie's stories were fascinating and truly you have to admire people who have the fortitude to handle such crises and chaos over the phone!

We spent six hours today eating and chatting. Thankfully these ladies can talk and hold conversation, because they provided a lot of good stimulation for my dad! 

Ironically after a full meal and time together, do you want to know the first question my dad asked me after our guests left...... when are we eating? 

Alzheimer's is very frustrating to me. I have gotten used to my dad NOT remembering anything I cook. No matter how hard I work, nothing stays in his head. In addition, I know that by tonight he won't even remember seeing Valerie. 

Today's meal:

Coq au vin

Mashed potatoes

Ginger carrots

String beans with mint and lemon

I did not realize it, but today was Amina's birthday. Apparently lemon cake is her favorite. I had NO IDEA. It was just happenstance that I made a three layer lemon cake! She was thrilled, and I learned ever since Mattie was born to always keep birthday candles in my home! You just never know when they come in handy! 

The ladies just loved the house. It is always fascinating seeing the house through another person's lens. I know what I love about it, but it is interesting to see what others notice. 

When we bought this house in 2021, I had such grand hopes! This was our first house together, and after living in an apartment all our married life, this was going to be a new chapter, another adventure. 

This house is the perfect entertainer's house! I figured we would have many parties here and lots of Foundation events! If I only knew how my life was going to change, I would never have moved. 

Valerie never met my husband and doesn't know the story of Mattie's death or that I am now divorced. In a way, it was an odd feeling for me NOT talking about either! I did not bring up all this heartache today, but that doesn't mean it wasn't on my mind. Valerie's friend, Connie, is in her 30s. She can see what I balance alone and she asked me in the kitchen..... what would I like to do if I had the time? Do I see myself going on a trip? Doing something else? My answer to her simply was.... I HAVE NO IDEA! I see myself doing nothing. For me, my life is over, and I go through the motions for my parents.