Tuesday, June 17, 2025

Tuesday, June 17, 2025 -- Mattie died 799 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day he was very excited because the tent moth caterpillar that he brought home from his school's playground had spun itself into a cocoon. Mattie knew that within ten days or so, would emerge a moth from the spun silk. Mattie loved this metamorphosis process every spring! I literally had jars set aside for this process and we learned by process of elimination that the only leaves these caterpillars ate were OAK! Which is why we both came to love oak trees. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

Given how I am feeling, my goal over the next couple of days is to spend less time at the computer. My neck and shoulders feel achy and strained. So despite the heat and humidity, I went outside this morning and worked out there for several hours. Believe it or not, I trimmed back all the roses you see here. The roses had gotten as tall as the bird bath/fountain. Now that they had their first bloom, it was time for them to be cut way back. I maintain everything in this space, including trimming the crape myrtle tree in the fall (in order to keep its nice small and bushy foot print in the spring and summer) and eventually I will get to that big white hydrangea bush, as it too needs to be cut in half!

Since there are so many hydrangeas, that I brought some inside, and will continue to add to this vase in our front hallway. The beauty of this house is I really never have to purchase flowers in the warm weather months! Something is always blooming in the garden. 

In April, I planted four large roses in our terracotta pots. I did this to replace all the roses my husband planted for me, but died from all the snow we received this winter. I feed these roses religiously every two weeks and they are thriving. 

Aren't they a glorious color?

This to me is the Mattie Miracle rose.... orange and red. I bought this specifically as a tribute to Mattie. 

The property has hydrangeas of every shape and variety. Climbing ones as well. My favorites are the oak leave hydrangeas that border the property. They are an amazing privacy screen from neighbors. 

The day lilies are in bloom!

Do you see the fountain. This is one of my favorite features in the backyard. It attracts birds. They love bathing in it, and I also love the sound. The fountain stopped working one day, and I am very grateful to Steve (my outdoor guru) for cleaning all the muck out and installing a new pump. He even got the back light working. 

Meanwhile it is frog season. All you hear day and night are frog songs. When I first moved into the house, the previous owner had frog statues and yard stakes of cute frogs. I removed them all, but always wondered.... what was with the frogs???? NOW I get it! The frogs own the backyard. If Mattie were here, he would have absolutely had a field day in the backyard. I just wish Mattie experienced Sunny in this backyard. Life would be so different if my family were intact. I truly need to keep moving in order to maintain any sort of stability. 

Monday, June 16, 2025

Monday, June 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. I know this photo had to be taken on a weekend, because it was a weekend occurrence that we typically went together to explore the Island. We loved seeing the Island during every season! Even in the winter, it was a wonderful walk, but there was something magical about seeing all the plants and trees sprouting back to life in the spring! I miss seeing these sights, I miss having these walks with Mattie and I miss my family of three!

Quote of the day: Healing from betrayal is a personal journey. It's about finding inner strength, learning to trust yourself again, and creating a better future. ~ Unknown

This morning, I headed to the city, to take my mom to the salon. Somehow in my mind I thought the appointment was only for a manicure and pedicure. It did not register to me that I also booked her six week hair appointment. Therefore, I only told my mom she was going for her nails. When I walked into the salon, the salon manager escorted us to the changing room for my mom. I looked at her confused, and said.... my mom is only getting her nails done. At which point, I actually looked at the calendar on my phone and realized.... NO I was wrong. My mom was getting hair and nails done today. I truly do not like being confused and overwhelmed. That was bad enough, but it was what happened next that disturbed me for the rest of the day.

In the middle of the salon, my mom practically had a tantrum. She got very upset with me that I did not tell her she was getting her hair done. She said, I "blew it." Now mind you I did not do this on purpose, I am just juggling so much, that honestly I am lucky I knew enough to go to the salon this morning. My mom had no understanding for how upsetting it was to be ridiculed in the middle of the salon. She acts as if I am typically a scatterbrain, who doesn't manage things well! On the contrary, I would like to see anyone else juggle what I do each day, caregiving for my parents around the clock for four years without even one day break, run Mattie's Foundation alone, maintain this house, manage all bills, taxes, and all other crises, without cracking up.

My mom was so upset, that I really thought I would have to turn around and go home. But I remained CALM throughout the entire time. I basically said, I made a mistake, but she was there, so it made sense to get her hair done. She eventually went with the process and had a good visit, but honestly I was a mess for the rest of the day. I ranged from being internally angry, to feeling absolutely overwhelmed. It is moments like this, that I want to be outdoors, walk around, and regroup. But that was just not possible. Which maybe why for the rest of the day, I was very edgy and upset. Even when I got home, it was raining outside, so I couldn't spend the necessary time in my garden. 

Then the reality hit me. ONCE AGAIN! I have been left to manage the impossible by myself. Sometimes one tries to understand that the future won't always be this way. But for me the future looks even more daunting than my current circumstances. It was just an emotionally challenging day, on top of many other horrible days over these last two years.  

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Sunday, June 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on Father's Day of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that day we took him on a Duck Boat tour of Washington, DC. The fun part about this trip was it covered both land and water! Right up Mattie's alley. They gave us all whistles in the shape of a duck bill, and I can't tell you how much use those whistles got over the years. I thought we would have many more father's days together. It is hard to understand, much less accept, that I now I acknowledge the day without my son and husband. 

Quote of the day: My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me. ~ Jim Valvano

This morning as I was getting myself ready for the day, I turned on the radio. Thomas Rhett's song, Things Dad Do, came on! I have to admit I never heard it before, but this song got to me! We truly appreciate what our parents have done for us after we become a parent of our own. Parenting was one of the most challenging and wonderful jobs I ever experienced, and I couldn't possible appreciate all the difficult choices and decisions my parents made until I was in their shoes. Rhett's song captures it beautifully! In honor of Father's Day, I attached the song below............................................

I focused all my attention today on what I have, rather than what is glaringly missing in my life. I am not saying I was able to block my husband from my mind, because I wasn't, but I wanted my dad to know he is special to me. 

I started my dad's day by giving him a hair cut, shaving him with a real razor, and gave him a manicure! I called it his "spa morning." Then my dad opened a card and several gifts! He was truly moved by the sentiments and things I expressed to him today. 

Sometimes you do not realize how special a person is, until you put it into context. Given what I have experienced these last two years, I can say with 100% certainty that my dad could NEVER walk away from his family. EVER. It isn't in his DNA, as it isn't in mine. My dad worked in the entertainment industry, where infidelity was rampant. But not for my dad! He was never swayed by money, power, or stardom. My dad is a great man and as I told him today..... he deserves to be celebrated. 

This is my father-in-law! The other dad in my life. Remember that I have known Don since I was 19 years old. Since I went to college on the East Coast, it made it difficult to go home to California for Thanksgiving. So I spent many holidays at a young age with my husband's family. Then I also went to graduate school in Boston for my Master's in Biology. When living in Boston, I spent every Sunday at their house. We would have dinner together and watch Columbo! These were simpler and happier times. 

Though I do not mention this on the blog, my in-laws have been 100% supportive of me over these last two years and if it is possible we have gotten even closer. 

Since Don LOVES tomatoes, I sent him two tomato plants and a basil plant for the summer season! 

I took my parents out to brunch today. Cheryl, our server, gave my dad a card and a container of wonderful chocolate chip cookies. My dad felt celebrated and had a very good eating day, which I was happy about! 

Me and my dad!

The three of us! Keep in mind that we used to go to this same restaurant with my husband. We always sat at this table. So whenever I see photos, I can't help but notice that the fourth seat remains empty. 

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Saturday, June 14, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That week, we took Mattie to Boston to visit my in-laws. My mother-in-law raised two boys, so she knew exactly what to do to engage Mattie. Mattie loved travel and adventure and no matter where he went, he had the ability to loop all of us in his play schemes and plans! The beauty of Mattie.

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

For the last several weeks, I have been dealing with intense neck pain. Most people wouldn't think twice about a pain or two! As I am sure the average person would think that this is a muscle issue or perhaps not think about it at all. For me, especially now that I am alone, I worry that I will have a grave medical issue. So much of my daily existence falls on my plate. If I can't function, my parents won't be able to manage. It is a lot of pressure on my mind and body. I believe my issue is muscular as I have spent a lot of time at the computer generating the Foundation video over this last month and then my sleeping habits at night are not the best and I land up twisting my head around and can't seem to get comfortable on a pillow. Any case, this pain is in the back of my mind and I pop Advil in order to function. 

This afternoon, I took my parents out to lunch. While out, our regular server at the diner, Jason, commented that he admired a particular woman who was at the restaurant. He want on to tell me that what amazes him is she is a caregiver. She cares for many people within the community. I literally just looked at him! I was perplexed, because I am not sure he has put two and two together, but indeed, I am just like this woman. Except I don't tell the majority of people I meet... HEY I AM A CAREGIVER! Or do most people know I do this 24/7! I am quite certain that the average people who meet us think that my parents function at a higher level than they do. That is fine with me, it preserves their dignity, because at one time, my parents were extremely sharp, together, and able to manage so much.

I spent a good portion of the day, when not doing tasks or overseeing my dad's physical therapy session, working on the Foundation's June newsletter. I have really been making a push on our 16 years of service video, so that I could include it in our newsletter. I am thankful that the newsletter and social media postings will be going out next week. It feels like a huge accomplishment! It is my father's day gift to Mattie! 

Friday, June 13, 2025

Friday, June 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old and playing with one of his favorite things.... a cardboard box. Mattie loved all boxes, but big ones like this one really piqued his interest. The many play schemes he would create with boxes always made me chuckle. The reason this photo is blurry was because Mattie was moving in the box, making it hard to focus. But you get the gist! Life with Mattie was NEVER boring. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush

As Father's Day is approaching, you can connect the dots and imagine where I am at with this holiday! Mother's Day was ridiculous this year. It was the first year in which I did not get a card, a message, or gift from my husband. He was the one person who I thought I could ALWAYS count on to remind me that I was a mom. Now I face Father's Day. Yet I am the only one struggling with the dissolution of our 35 year relationship. You would think with the more time that goes by, the more likely my brain could accept and come to terms with my divorce. NOPE, it hasn't happened yet. However, you should keep in mind that Mattie was in my life for 7 years, gone for 16 years, and I still write his blog daily! So you can just imagine the magnitude of loss I feel having known my husband for 35 years. 

Truly some days I wake up and wonder............. am I going crazy? Were the last 35 years of my life a figment of my imagination? The mind games are tremendous. But no matter what, I remain well grounded in reality! I know what I know, I know what I have experienced, and I know what love feels like, and when in doubt I have countless cards, gifts, photos, and post it love notes all over the house. This is the person I knew and how I experienced my husband, and it is very hard accepting that this person is gone. In fact, the person I used to know I consider dead. I say this with confidence because the man I knew, or thought I knew, was about love, loyalty, fidelity, and commitment. 

With each year that goes by, the loss of Mattie gets more profound. It is hard to describe what this loss feels like or how it evolves with each year. This was something my husband and I just intuitively understood and connected on. Now I sit with these feelings alone. I share this forever loss alone, which is why Mother's and Father's days are particularly poignant. 

Speaking of fathers, my dad asks about my husband often. He can't remember that my husband left, the circumstances around his leaving, or any of the details of his current life. I realize my dad has Alzheimer's and I put this into context, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt each time he discusses my husband. In my dad's brain, I have a feeling he thinks any minute, my husband will walk in the door and sit down and have dinner with us. As I always say to my dad, I wish I could live in his brain for just a day. A day without remembering what has happened to me, both with child loss and abandonment. Of course, I say this LIGHTLY, because Alzheimer's is a horrific disease and I wouldn't wish this upon myself or anyone else for that matter. When I say I take it one day at a time, I am not kidding. 

Fortunately this house is a major distraction. As I always say, distractions are the key to survival. Today I dealt with numerous issues all before 11am. Later in the day, I decided to begin painting my side porch. Eventually I need to have the contractor back to deal with the whole porch, which is rotting away. But I can only take on one big project at a time, and the portico was my project for this season. So until I can address the side porch professionally, I decided to power wash the area, scrub it with wine vinegar and I am now doing some painting. So a side porch refresh.  

Thursday, June 12, 2025

Thursday, June 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old. That day, Mattie and his best friend from preschool, Zachary, went to Pennsylvania, to experience a Day out with Thomas. Mattie and Zachary were BIG train fans, and they must have seen every Thomas the Tank Engine movie! Not to mention they had all the trains from the series. I love this photo! They both were moving with purpose to see the trains! These two were inseparable in preschool, and this bond continued throughout Mattie's cancer journey. The truly embodied the beauty of friendship, not just in good times, but also in bad. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is like death: you never think it will happen to you. ~ Marty Rubin

Two night's ago, I took this photo from my bedroom window. It was during the strawberry moon. The moon gets this name because wild strawberries are ripening and ready to be harvested in many parts of North America during June. It is said that this name is associated with Native American cultures, who would use the moon's cycle to mark the strawberry harvest.

Any case for me any time I see the moon, I view it as a message from Mattie. When Mattie was in preschool, his nickname was "Mattie Moon." His preschool attached symbols with the same first letter of a child's name! Needless to say, the Mattie Moon moniker stuck with SO MANY of us! When Mattie died, Mattie Moon took on a whole new and more meaningful significance!

Do you see this suncatcher? It has been attached to my bedroom window for years. My husband gave it to me shortly after we moved into this house in 2021. If you can't read it, it says, "Having you in my life is a blessing." It is hard to believe that the suncatcher remains, and all I have left are things, and not the person. Why give me such a gift? My answer is simple.... because it was genuine. Because this was us, we were a team, and just like geometry proofs have GIVENS, we were each other's givens. 

This morning, while getting myself ready for the day, I heard about the death of Brian Wilson, from the Beach Boys. The Beach Boys are timeless, and they transcend SO MANY generations. Perhaps the reason why I always loved their music, was because they captured the sounds and beauty of what one would associate with California. 

However, what I am always fascinated by with, is the person behind the name. I came across this article, entitled, Brian Wilson, the musical genius behind the Beach Boys, dies at 82. I truly did not know about Wilson's personal life, so reading this LA Times article was enlightening. He admits to having mental health problems. When such issues arise, I feel you just have to scratch the surface and what you will uncover is either abuse, betrayal or abandonment. Sure enough, he had an abusive father and his own therapist heavily medicated, manipulated, and betrayed him. It is an absolute wonder that with all of this weighing on him, that Wilson was able to write and create timeless and iconic songs. Not just one, but over 260. As Paul McCartney famously said, "God Only Knows" is the "greatest song ever written." He stated that it's one of the few songs that reduces him to tears every time he hears it. He also said it's a brilliantly done love song that showcases Brian Wilson's genius. 

Here's another interesting tidbit, when Wilson was in high school, he earned an F for a composition he submitted in his music class. Decades later the school changed his grade to an A when administrators discovered the composition had become the Beach Boys’ first hit song, “Surfing.” Amazing no? Clearly Wilson was a person who absorbed rejection, but was passionate about his art and his convictions and they pushed him forward. Truly, you only have to hear the first few notes of his songs, and immediately you can identify them. They are that iconic. 

All of this just gives me pause, because each day I face one of my greatest rejections in life..... my husband leaving me. The song, God only knows, resonates with me so! At the time the song was written (1966), referencing "God" in a title or lyric was generally considered a taboo for pop music. Yet probably what made me a musical great, was his ability to test the limits. With that said, no matter the success and his plethora of albums, the emotional issues, I have no doubt, followed him. Trauma, grief, betrayal and abandonment, can't be erased, they live within you. The challenge is not to allow them to consume you. 

The official, God Only Knows video.............................

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Wednesday, June 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. That evening Mattie went to see a Washington Nationals baseball game. As you can see, he came away from the game with a mini bat! Now here's the thing.... did Mattie like sports? Mattie didn't dislike sports, but I can't say he loved them either. In fact, when it came to sports, Mattie was much more like me. He liked going to the games, NOT for the sports, but for people watching and the experience! The apple did not fall far from the tree!

Quote of the day: Trust starts with truth and ends with truth. ~ Santosh Kalwar

I finalized Mattie Miracle's 16th year of service video today! I have been working on this video for a month. Remember I am NOT that technologically savvy. So for me, everything takes longer. Last year, I had to learn the software from the ground up. So in comparison to last year, this year was slightly easier. 

With Mattie Miracle, there is LOTS of content. So I am never at a loss for material. However, the trick is how do I take all this content and make a logical story out of it! In addition, the timing of slides to the song is challenging, along with the motion of the photos and the words. Also don't get me started about the transitioning between photos. The logistics of the video occupied a great deal of my time, because if things don't flow well, it will take away from the message being conveyed. 

Typically I don't share this video until our Foundation newsletter goes out, but since I have been talking about this video for weeks, I decided to share it with you! Keep in mind that it is only three minutes long. So it moves at a clip. You can always pause any frame to read things more thoroughly if you wish. Any case, I am hoping this video helps you understand more about Mattie Miracle's work, how we spend the funds donated to us, and that it illustrates all the lessons I learned from Mattie, which to this day guide his Foundation. Mattie Miracle is Mattie's legacy!

Tuesday, June 10, 2025

Tuesday, June 10, 2025 -- Mattie died 798 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie received this remote controlled boat and that day we took him to Roosevelt Island so he could maneuver the boat on the water. Mattie was fascinated with boats, boats of all kinds! If you asked him what he was saving his money for, he'd tell you..... for a boat. Not a toy boat, but a real one! Mattie's dream was to be a captain of a ship! I am so glad that Roosevelt Island was close to our home and that we had this wonderful escape on the weekends! So much was learned together on the Island. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal is never easy to handle and there is no right way to accept it. ~ Christine Feehan

This morning did not go any way to plan. But then again, it never does in my house! One of the positives was I received an email from Nate, the power washer professional who was been working with me since March. It is hard to make ALL the decisions in this house on my own. I am responsible for so many things, and have no one to bounce thoughts and ideas off of. So when Nate wrote today, I showed him a BEFORE photo of the flagstone! This was what I have been seeing for years! This greyish/black stone! I snapped this photo in March 2025. To me this was a depressing sight! 

I then sent Nate this after photo! I am still amazed at the difference. Nate told me that most people do not even bother to clean their stones unless they are selling their house. He told me that when owners see the transformation, they usually say..... why didn't I do this sooner? 

What I know is this house is important to me, and anything that is important to me, gets taken care of very well! My goal is to tackle projects one at a time, to restore parts of the house back to their original glory. When I wonder.... did I make the right decision about power washing, the answer was YES!

At around 9am, I got an alert on my phone about the house's alarm system. The message was that the battery was running low! TRULY I had NO IDEA what that even meant. I stopped what I was doing and ran to my computer and then called the company. The woman was lovely and explained the issue, she is sending me a replacement battery, and then I elected to install it myself. I will either watch the installation video, or call the company and have them walk me through how to do this over the phone. There is no way I am paying for someone to come to the house to install a battery! I figure if I can learn to flush a sump pump, manage a septic system, handle basic electricity and plumbing, I should be able to figure out a battery replacement! 

Once I dealt with that crisis, I moved onto the next problem. My garage door has been having issues! Significant enough that I was worried that I wouldn't be able to open it! The garage is crucial, because this is the easiest way for me to safely get my parents in and out of the house. So my garage door has to function. I decided to call the Overhead Door Company! On an aside, I think I could make a HOW TO guide for all women at this point, on how to manage a house! 

This garage door company, I feel, is the best in our area! They give you same day appointments, their service providers are always excellent, efficient, they listen, and explain things in an understandable manner! Any case, multiple issues needed to be addressed (tighten a drive belt, secure loose boom bracket, adjusted tension on springs, secured loose safety sensors, lubricated door, etc) and what I learned was I was smart to address this issue now before the many issues got worse. If I waited more damage would have been done and the repair would have been more costly. I appreciated hearing this, it just helped me to know that my instincts regarding house maintenance are correct! As it is, I lubricate all the hinges on the garage door biannually and today I learned this was correct, and then getting a professional to tune up the door every two to three years is perfect. They even gave me a reminder sticker, which I have posted up in the garage, so I know when I should get it serviced next! VERY HELPFUL! I am very grateful to have a wonderful network of men to turn to, because house maintenance is daunting on a good day. 

What I do know is I could never leave my spouse managing the impossible alone. I would be riddled with guilt every minute of the day. Some days the feelings from this abandonment are overwhelming and I am ready to give up and then there are days like today, when I say to myself...... YOU AREN'T going to bring me down. You have done enough damage. I am resourceful, I can advocate for myself and my parents, and I can make intelligent decisions. However, these positive reflections never last long!

Monday, June 9, 2025

Monday, June 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie was sitting in between his two closest kindergarten buddies, Charlotte and Campbell. They were like the three musketeers and they always said they were going to go to college together and be roommates. This photo was taken at the end of the year party held at a local park. If parent volunteers were requested, I always volunteered. As I wanted to experience all of Mattie's moments, and thankfully I did, because this was our first and last end of year party we ever attended! A month later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three. ~ Ziad K. Abdelnour

This morning Nate came over to finish cleaning my stone patio. Keep in mind that this patio probably hasn't been professionally cleaned in over ten years. This was what the stone looked like.... black! 

This is the finished product! I was going to attempt to do this on my own, and then I realized.... NO WAY! First I don't know what I am doing and second the space is too large. I typically do not show the whole backyard on the blog, but it gives you a feeling for why I fell in love with this house! I LOVED the outside, even before ever walking through the front door! 

I came across this article today, entitled, If you’ve lived through these 8 experiences, you’re more resilient than the average person. Well naturally this article got me at the title! I was curious to hear what qualifies someone to be a resilient person. For the most part, I am not a list person and I also do not care for rah rah speeches or platitudes that make lemonade out of very tart lemons! The 8 experiences the author listed, however, resonated with me. They are:

1. You’ve hit rock bottom—and climbed your way back up
2. You’ve grieved a deep loss
3. You’ve had to reinvent yourself
4. You’ve been misunderstood—and stood your ground anyway
5. You’ve taken care of others while breaking inside
6. You’ve faced rejection—and still kept putting yourself out there
7. You’ve lived with uncertainty and kept moving forward
8. You’ve learned how to let go

I do not think people have to hit rock bottom to evoke change and growth within themselves. I will never be a proponent of this way of thinking, but I can attest to hitting rock bottom. MANY TIMES. I hit it when Mattie died, and I have hit it again when my husband left me. However, the pit of despair is much greater now. As I have suffered two very significant losses, both of which have ramifications on my future. 

Being misunderstood but standing my ground, is very significant for me. If I am passionate about something, or convicted about it, I will NOT back down. I will stand my ground. I value truth, honesty, loyalty, and commitment. If I have experienced a wrong, or witness this happening to someone else, then you want me on your side. I can be very calm and strategic, while I build up my advocacy plan. But do not under estimate my nice exterior, as my moral compass is my foundation and it is well intact. 

My parents relocated us from New York to Los Angeles, when I was in high school. This was a huge adjustment for me. I can't tell you the ridicule and rejection I received at school. I was constantly made fun of, told I looked and sounded like a New Yorker. Now I would laugh over this, but as a teenager, this seemed devastating. I remember it took me a long time to make friends, but even back then, I did NOT transform my core values to fit into my environment. What I learned about standing my ground is that people typically respect my convictions. Having experienced many rejections, what I took away from them, was the feeling. To this day, if I am in a group setting and I see someone sitting BY THEMSELVES, I will always go over to them and include them in whatever group I am in. In fact seeing someone by themselves.... is like a trigger for me.  It takes me right back to being in high school. 

We are a product of our experiences and my current life reads more like a bad TV movie than reality. On any given day, it would be easy to just give up. However, as the author of this article points out..... resilient people don’t always feel brave—sometimes they’re terrified—but they still show up for life anyway.  I couldn't have said it better, for as long as someone needs me, I continue to show up for life anyway. 

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Sunday, June 8, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. We took Mattie for a canoe ride on the Potomac River. Typically I did not go on these adventures. But that day, Mattie wanted me along. As you can see, no matter what we were doing, my camera was always with me. I loved photographing all these moments in time, not just special occasions. Thankfully I did, as it is hard to believe the photos are all I have left of my son and my marriage! 

Quote of the day: Trust is like a vase. Once it's broken, though you can fix it, the vase will never be same again. ~ Carol Brady

Sunday is the one day in the week, I can sleep past 6:30am. NOT this morning. At 6:20am, Indie was knocking her head and whole body against my bedroom door. She wanted me UP and to be fed. There was no stopping her, as I tried to ignore her, but after ten minutes of hearing her head against the door, I got out of bed to deal with her. Needless to say, going back and resting, is not how my body or mind works. Once my mind is activated, there isn't an off button. 

I decided to take a step back from the Foundation's video today.  I have been working on it all week. It is becoming a blur to me, which means I can't look at it for a day or so. I will go back to it this week and hopefully finish it. 

Despite it raining today, I was out in it and pulling weeds and trimming roses. When I tell you I could work in my garden daily, and there would still be more to do, I am NOT kidding! 

The roses you see here were planted by my husband for me. When we moved into this house in 2021, this particular area was a hodgepodge. Slowly but surely we have transformed the garden, and the man that I used to know was a real New Englander. Meaning he understood the value of hard work and had no problem getting dirty in the garden. In fact he loved it, and over our many years together, I grew to love it as well!

Last spring, I planted these roses and irises in this flower bed. Again, this area had NO rhyme or reason before. 

We planted these roses too! Get the gist.... I love roses and we loved roses together!

Do you notice how black the stone is on the patio? I had half of the patio power washed in March. Nate is coming back tomorrow to finish this half. I haven't seen the real color of this stone EVER! When we bought the house the stone was this dirty! However, Nate is showing me how to keep the stone clean and when he told me to get a spray bottle and fill it with some bleach and a lot of water, and spray the stone directly, I thought he was crazy. But it works like a charm without hurting any of my plants, as it is directly on the stone and isn't concentrated.

This area on my porch is a tribute to Mattie. This garden angel was given to me by my friend, Toni, shortly after Mattie died. Toni is Brandon's mom (Mattie's close buddy, who was diagnosed with cancer around the same time). This angel has been with me now for 16 years! 

Saturday, June 7, 2025

Saturday, June 7, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2008. Mattie had just completed kindergarten and that day he got together with his "girlfriend" Charlotte. We went for an adventure in Georgetown riding a boat through the canals. Mattie and Charlotte became instant friends in kindergarten and they brought out the best in each other. Their joke was they were going to go to college together and become roommates. It is hard to imagine that a month after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: For there to be betrayal, there would have to have been trust first. ~ Suzanne Collins

Last night, as it began to rain, I noticed that the outdoor lights in our front yard went out again! If you recall, I dealt with this problem a month ago. Which caused me to get the electrician over and then our landscaper. Last night, I was determined to figure this out myself! As I am tired of paying unnecessary bills! I have NOW located the problem, as my husband has two extension chords running to our deck. One extension chord provides electricity to the lights by our driveway and the other GOES to no where! LITERALLY! I have deduced that this chord which is going no where is the cause of the problem. This chord runs under our deck and clearly when it rains, it trips the GFI in the outdoor socket. Blowing all of our lights. So now I have this chord unplugged and I will eventually trace it to its origin and remove it. But that will mean I have to get under the deck. I am in no mood to handle that right now. However, I did get the front lights working again. In addition, I had to flush the back up sump pump in the basement yesterday. The manufacturer requires me to do this every three months in order to have this device under warranty. I learned this the hard way, as the previous pump burned out soon after my husband left. When I tell you that I have been getting a crash course in electrical, plumbing, heating, and other home improvement issues, I am NOT kidding. I am constantly on call for just about everything in the house!

This sump pump is crucial, because when we first moved into the house in 2021, we have a flood in the basement during a horrible rain storm. Literally there was like an inch of water in the basement. It was a nightmare of a sight at 3am. Thankfully we had nothing in the basement at that time, and we worked for hours during the storm to remove the water from the basement. I will never forget that night, a night I never wish to have again! So whatever I have to do to maintain the pumps, I DO! 

In between caring for my parents and taking them out to lunch, I continued working on the Foundation's video! I HATE technology! This video is taking every ounce of energy I have and my patience is dwindling. Tonight, after working on it for several more hours, I shut down the application, and decided I need a mental and emotional break from this work. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. But I would say, I have always been a perfectionist, but now these tendencies have magnified. I believe this is the case because this is the only thing I can now control. Whatever I do or put together, has to be a solid product. Since I am the sole keeper of Mattie's legacy, I feel that whatever is Foundation related has to be of quality otherwise, I won't do it! This is all well and done, but I notice this is coming at a high price to my emotional well being. 

Friday, June 6, 2025

Friday, June 6, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old. That day, my parents (who were visiting from Los Angeles) and I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo. It was a family favorite, because this Zoo is small, perfect for younger children, never crowded and children can experience hands on activities with the animals. I look at this photo now, and see the dramatic transformation in my dad. This was my dad before Alzheimer's took over. This photo shows the cute bond between Mattie and his pop pop!

Quote of the day: Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done. ~ Sandra Lee Dennis

My college roommate and friend, Leslie, sent me the article entitled, A caregiver dad, Bradley Cooper and how a national crisis inspired an unexpected film. She sent it to me because she thought it would resonate with me. WOW, does it! The person highlighted in the article, Bradley, has shared his caregiving stories on TikTok. I admit I haven't watched them, as I am not adding one more app to my life. However, what I do admire, is his courage to share his story, and more importantly to highlight the many travesties family members endure each day, while caring for a loved one. Bradley talks about the poverty he is facing because of huge caregiving expenses. Yet there really are NO benefits that he is entitled to, to assist him with his vital role. Ironically most long term care insurances and other benefits are for paid services, NOT to help reimburse family members. Keep in mind that family members are doing the MAJORITY of the caregiving work in the USA. 

As Bradley points out, most of us do our roles, without much regard for being classified as caregivers. I remember when I was doing my dissertation research and had the opportunity to work with 100 caregivers..... interview after interview, the majority of caregivers did NOT identify as such! Many caregivers do not identify with the term because to them caring for a loved one is just what is  expected. They wouldn't have it any other way.

I absolutely LOVE Rosalynn Carter's quote. In fact, I used this quote to begin chapter one of my dissertation. She stated, there are only four kinds of people in the world: those who have been caregivers, those who are currently caregivers, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers! Why this quote is so captivating is because she allows us to see that caregiving isn't just my problem or the next person's problem..... it is something that affects ALL human beings. 

Ironically, unless you read this blog, most people do not know the extent of care I provide for both of my parents. People in our community see my parents out and about and therefore deem that they are fully independent. In the sense that they can meet all their own basic needs. But this couldn't be furthest from the truth. When I mentioned to someone that I couldn't get the phone because I was showering my dad.... she just looked at me. She did not realize that my caregiving involves heavy duty tasks each day. I manage all my dad's activities of daily living (dressing, bathing, and toileting) and I manage ALL instrumental activities of daily living (cooking, cleaning, transportation, managing finances, and all communications, and scheduling) for both of my parents. 

If you think that Medicare will cover ANYTHING of what I do, or what other family caregivers perform, you would be WRONG. Medicare only covers professional services (nursing, PT, OT, and speech therapy), and even that would be on a short term basis, and as for Medicaid, that would only kick in to cover institutionalization after you have depleted all your loved one's assets. So truly you can't expect help from these resources. Likewise, don't get me started on long term care insurance either! It is costly, but also doesn't cover family members who are providing the care. Insurance will cover certified caregivers or facilities providing care, but keep in mind at best, long term care insurance will only cover 3-4 hours of care a day! Mind you there are 20 more hours in a day that a family will then be financially responsible for! 

It gets better, I am THRILLED Bradley mentioned it..... he says he hasn't hired certified caregivers to help with his wife, because he can't afford it! This isn't a commentary on Bradley, but a commentary on how DOWNRIGHT expensive outside care is for our family members. What am I talking about? Let me paint the reality, why like Bradley, I am ALSO not relying on outside help!

The going rate for a certified caregiver (someone who performs activities of daily living and instrumental activities of daily living) is $30 an hour. I provide 24/7 care! So let's do the math.... $30 (an hour) x 24 (hours in a day)=$720 a day. Then let's calculate the weekly rate: $720 (a day) x 7 (days a week)=$5,040. There are 52 weeks in a year: $5,040 (a week) x 52 (weeks in a year)=$262,080. This is in theory how much I would be paying out for the care of one parent. But I need care for two. If I hired a caregiver through an agency, they would insist that each parent has their own caregiver. So for all intensive purposes you can take the yearly rate of $262,080 (a year) x 2 (parents)= $524,160! Do you see how this adds up quickly and that is only for ONE YEAR. I have been performing my 24/7 role for four years. So for fun and giggles, this would look like........... $524,160 (a year for two parents) x 4 (years) =$2,096,640. I am telling you this to give you a bird's eye view..... this is why the majority of family caregivers are performing this critical role! As I always used to say, caregivers are the unsung heroes of our society! 

Family caregivers do NOT perform our roles and endure certain sacrifices because we want MONEY. We do it out of LOVE, RESPECT, and COMMITMENT to those we care for and as a result you could NEVER put a price tag to what we do each day. 

If you are interested in seeing the caregiving documentary on PBS, go to: 

https://www.pbs.org/video/caregiving/

Thursday, June 5, 2025

Thursday, June 5, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2002. Mattie was two months old! Though they say children at this age CAN'T smile, because they do not have the facial muscles, and therefore deem these grimaces as "gas," I never bought it! To me, Mattie was full of emotional expression right from day one! So I say.... look at that smile!!!!

Quote of the day: The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies; it comes from those you trust the most. ~ Anonymous

It has been another day of dealing with my health insurer. If you have been following my saga, then you know I have been trying to get access to an MRI and the bone density drug, Prolia. Today's fiasco was regarding the MRI. I originally was going to take this scan tomorrow, until I learned I would have to pay over $2,000 out of pocket, as I clearly haven't met my deductible this year. While talking to the radiology center, they informed me of another facility of theirs that offers the scan at a reduced price. So naturally I canceled Friday's appointment and rescheduled it at the other facility. Apparently my insurance company did not like that change. So back on the phone I went today for another hour, until the insurer finally put an authorization in the system for this other facility. Mind you the person I was talking to had NO IDEA how to do this, even though I wasn't changing the radiology company, just the office location of this company. Needless to say, it is now resolved, but I am SO WORN out from fighting for my family's health care needs. Anyone who thinks healthcare is a human right, FORGET IT! Talk to a health insurer and you will see who really has ULTIMATE control!

I took my parents out to lunch today, and while out, my mom got an alert on her phone about my high school in California. There was a deadly car accident at the school, which killed a 15 year old student. I haven't been back to this school since I graduated. There are many reasons for this, one of which was my transition from New York to California at the age of 15 was NOT an easy one. When I attended Campbell Hall, it was a much smaller school. Now when I went to the school's website and campus map, I couldn't get over how it expanded. It is like ten times bigger from the small, sleepy school that I went to! 

If you would like to read the story, it is entitled, Teenage boy killed, 5 others hurt in parking lot crash at L.A. school. There is also a short news video about the accident. In a nutshell, it was the end of the day and kids were being dismissed from school. Cars were lining up to pick up students. School pick up lines can typically be slow. But somehow there was a young girl driving (picking up her sister), and was moving up the line. It is alleged that she hit the accelerator, and at the same time a 15 year old walked right in front of her car. He was crossing between cars to reach his dad's car. This 15 year old was crushed and the scene is said to have been gruesome. The accident was witnessed by other students, faculty, and the father saw his son crushed before his eyes. 

The trauma and loss that being experienced by both the driver's family and the 15 year old who lost his life, are simply unimaginable. Truly nothing in life is guaranteed, even coming home from school safely. I think this horrific story is a reminder to appreciate any day that we can open our eyes in the morning and shut them at night. I can't imagine how this young driver, who killed a fellow student is coping. Lives have been changed forever and my heart goes out to my fellow Vikings. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Wednesday, June 4, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That week we took Mattie to Boston to visit my in-laws. This was a summer tradition, of visiting both sets of parents. That day, we took Mattie to their local pond and as you can see he was LOVING the geese and ducks. Naturally we never came empty handed, as we had a bag of bread with us, which made us very popular. 

Quote of the day: Forgive yourself for the blindness that put you in the path of those who betrayed you. Sometimes a good heart doesn’t see the bad. ~ Unknown

This morning after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I ran home, because my mom was getting evaluated by one of her physical therapist's. I have gotten to know all my parent's therapists quite well. Today we chatted and the therapist was telling me about his wife, who died years ago. This therapist has been practicing for 50 years, and he says he never wants to retire. He works with five patients a week, and loves what he does. He then highlighted what life was like when he was raising his two children. He and his wife had to decide.... does she work or does she stay home full-time to raise the children? She chose to stay home and be present for both of her children, and he then explained he worked three jobs to make that happen. He worked even on the weekends! He said that he is not a rich man, but then I responded.... he is rich in family. He has a tight knit family and his children appreciate all the sacrifices he made for them over the years. This therapist misses his wife and always talks about her in the highest regard, as he understood and appreciated the tough job she did each day. 

As a woman who decided to raise Mattie full-time and work part-time, teaching in the evenings, it was very refreshing hearing a man express the sacrifices and the challenges of being a full-time mom. I remember when I was going through the divorce process, my lawyer had me list all the things I did each day to keep our household and family running. Her joke was what I did was priceless, and if we truly added everything up, I would be pulling in a six figure salary. She always got me to chuckle, but she was being truthful. 

I continue to work on Mattie Miracle's spring video. Gone are the days, where I could work for hours and concentrate. Now I work in piecemeal. Which makes creating a video challenging at best. But I keep chipping away at it. This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. On our way into Starbuck's, a man was sitting outside with his German Shepherd. He is one of the regulars we see each week. Today, I happened to stop and told him we have been admiring his dog for the last two weeks. He was deeply touched. He introduced us to his charming fellow, who is 7 years old. He said that this was a guard dog in Iraq, and he worked closely with him over all these years. He said he is now retired and is getting pampered and spoiled. When I looked into this dog's eyes, I swear it was like he was reading my mind and if he could talk, we would have had an very enlightening conversation.

When I got home, I reached into the mailbox, and pulled out a tiny box. I wasn't expecting anything, so I had no idea what could possibly be in the box. When I opened it, I found this bracelet, with NO note. Therefore, I did not know who it was from! The bracelet reads.... "Don't Let The Hard Days Win." 

I can't tell you how much this unexpected gift means to me. It now sits with me right by my desk and it will be a reminder that I AM NOT ALONE and that others stand beside me. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2025

Tuesday, June 3, 2025 -- Mattie died 797 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old. That day we took him to Great Falls Park. Mattie was fully ON and engaged with all the beauty around us. Everything from the water to the birds. I tried to pose for a photo with Mattie, but as you can see, he wanted me to put him down, because he was on the move. Something caught his attention and what I love about this photo was it visually captured Mattie's hand and fingers moving.... to me Mattie's fingers were like radar scopes, taking in information and making sense out of it!

Quote of the day: One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go. If you’ve been hurt until it breaks your soul into pieces, your perspective in life will definitely change, and no one and nothing in this world could ever hurt you again. ~ Mareez Reyes

For the past two days, I have been working with a wonderful contractor, to clean up the decaying wood over my portico. I have put this issue off for years, and now that the wood was falling off of the portico, it needed to be addressed. I truly do not like making all these decisions on my own! That was the beauty of being married, to have one's partner to navigate through life. There is something very special knowing that you share life's triumphs and heartache with your spouse. It makes all things more manageable. It is funny, I have a neighbor who has told me that her husband refuses to let her interface with any workmen or contractors on her own. Mainly because he doesn't like leaving her to manage these stressors! Not only do I manage this stressor alone, but my list of daily tasks is not for the meek. 

This wooden post and spindle structure was uneven and rotting. You can see it! This was the before photo!

This is what the final product looks like. I have streamlined the look and now NOTHING blocks the beautiful Palladian window. The roof of the portico has had its wood and flashing replaced and now it is level again! There is something to be said about LESS is MORE! 

I always disliked seeing these spindles through the window. It had a jail like feeling! 

Now there is nothing obstructing the view and the contractor commending me for making this decision! He says.... this was how it should have always been! I agree!

I spent a portion of today starting to create a video for Mattie Miracle. I do one for the Foundation every spring. Last year I had to learn a whole new video software system and I freaked out! This year, it is the same software, however, features in this app have changed, so I am learning as I go! Though the video will be only 3-4 minutes, it takes me hours and days to generate a video. It requires time to make sure the video flows well to the music and that the clips convey an accurate story about Mattie Miracle. As I always say..... getting started is the hardest part. Remember I am NOT technologically savvy, yet since 2023, I have had to rise to the occasion, because failing Mattie Miracle is NOT an option!

This afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. Whatever store or restaurant I frequent with my parents..... I know everyone who works there! I know about their lives and their families. What it comes down to is the human connection is and has always been tantamount to me! While having yogurt, the Angela Lansbury song, Tale as Old as Time, was playing! I posted the clip below for you to enjoy! This song transported me back to 1991...... seeing this movie with my college sweetheart, who became my husband. There was something magical about this movie and my husband used to say I was just like Belle, the beauty in the movie! Naturally years later, we introduced this charming film to Mattie! It is amazing how a song can trigger a whole flood of memories! Memories which I now carry alone.