Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. We must have been admitted to the hospital that day! How do I know? Because Mattie was wearing clothes! When we were living in the hospital, Mattie wore only pajamas (his choice!). In any case, I was trying to take a photo of Mattie and clearly he did not want to be photographed at that moment. So the fastest way he thought of to cover his face, was to lift his legs up over his head. Which was a feat, as his right leg was casted. What I love about this photo, was Mattie's eye peeping out at me!
Quote of the day: You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming. ~ Pablo Neruda
Tonight's quote speaks to me. All the flowers in my life have been cut. Of course I am NOT talking flowers, but metaphorically the flowers symbolize the death of Mattie and the loss of my husband. My current feeling about life, reminds me of how I felt when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Clearly different circumstances, but my point is these circumstances were all consuming, so emotionally devastating that fall, winter, spring, and summer were taking place, and yet each day was the same for me. The world was evolving, seasons were changing, but internally I felt locked into the same day, a day filled with grayness. But as tonight's quote points out, spring comes whether we are ready for it or not. Despite how traumatized I feel, I do try to appreciate the fact that the trees are unfurling, flowers are beginning to bloom, and the signs of spring are all upon me.
What I do find with certain losses, like the dissolution of my marriage, they can be hard to understand, process, and accept. It is hard to understand because my mind is locked onto the person I grew up with, loved, and was devoted to for 35 years. How on earth does the mind accept that this person no longer exists? I don't know, perhaps that is the journey, the struggle, and my mission.
It is funny, I was watching a Hallmark movie the other night, and the main character was trying to write a novel, but was very stuck. She just couldn't get at the heart of how she was feeling. Her editor tried to help her navigate this challenge and in the process told the main character in the movie that people like her previous books because they all focused on a strong woman, who dealt with impossible challenges, yet despite it all, found a way forward, a way to survive, and in essence her readers loved the pluckiness of her characters. Seriously when I heard this description I couldn't help but try to apply this same message to Mattie's blog.
Some days I wonder why do you keep reading? Why do you keep checking in and staying connected with me? I am sure the answer maybe different for each of you, but a part of me feels that perhaps it is what this editor told the main character in that Hallmark movie.... because in following my life, it gives you a window into human frailty, to honest and at times raw emotions, but also at the same time, my story highlights the human spirit and determination for survival. So in essence my story is your story (acknowledging that our issues and experiences maybe different).
Since I am the only one who cooks in my house, I have to prep things ahead of time. So today, tomorrow, and Saturday, I will be prepping different dishes for Sunday. Today's prep work was the creation of a twice baked mashed potato. I love this recipe as it incorporate cream cheese, sour cream, chives, and cheddar cheese. Almost like a stuffed baked potato, but in mashed form!
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