Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. This ride-on fire engine was a gift from my mother in law to Mattie. Mattie LOVED anything with wheels. All modes of transportation fascinated him! What makes me chuckle with this photo is the simple reality...... Mattie wanted one hand on his fire engine and the other one was trying to reach for me! Though this was a ride-on vehicle, for the most part that was NOT how Mattie used it. He would transport toys on this fire engine and in the summer months, he loved to wash it outside with a hose. Mattie had a way of making the ordinary seem extraordinary.
Quote of the day: You were given this mountain to show others it can be moved. ~ Mel Robbins
Some days I can carry on, as I get focused on the chores, tasks and activities I need to accomplish for the day. Then there are other days like today, where the reality of my traumatic loss hits me. Now that the Foundation Walk is behind me, and I completed most of the admin for it, I remember what my husband and I always did together Post-Walk! We would go on a week's vacation together to the beach. It was our way of trying to regroup and acknowledge what we accomplished together. I can't quite put into words the multiple feelings that hit me each day since he left and perhaps because it is getting warmer and I know people are making summer plans and traveling, that the reality of my situation becomes even more apparent.
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This photo was taken in June of 2021 in South Carolina. A place I thought I would see many more times in my lifetime with my husband. It is very hard coming to terms with the fact that our 35 years together only means something to me. My life has stopped, just like it did the day Mattie died. Naturally Mattie has been gone 16 years now, and I still function and I am part of society, but I am NOT the person I used to be prior to Mattie getting cancer. I would say the same applies now that I am divorced. That Vicki died, she died and she isn't coming back and I say this with confidence. Mattie's death was a different type of loss. There was no doubt even as Mattie breathed his last breath that HE LOVED ME. This can't be said for my husband, and yet I know our life together, I know the special bond we shared, and I also know him BETTER than anyone else in this world. Therefore, what has happened doesn't compute to me, and I consider myself a master assessor of people and situations.
Given how I was feeling today, I jumped from one activity to the next. One of which was using a hedge trimmer and cutting back bushes. I did it while it was raining, but it did not matter. I needed to be outside and expending energy, otherwise the negative energy would be all consuming. Needless to say, I filled up an entire large greens container with debris. To me life has ended, I look forward to nothing, and I have no interest in traveling ever again. This is my current state of affairs, and I can only hope that this feeling of despair lightens up this week.
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