Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006. This was at our apartment in Washington, DC. A place we lived in for 27 years! I just loved that two story apartment, right near the Kennedy Center and the George Washington University. That year, my parents came East to stay with us. I snapped a photo of all three of them. When I look at this photo and compare it to where my parents physically are now, it is shocking! Though as hard as this reality is to accept, the notion of my Mattie, dying is still unfathomable! There will never be a logical enough explanation for me, that can justify having to live my life without Mattie. In any case, when I was married (before Mattie died), we used to have the most beautiful Christmas trees! I remember these moments and time, and it is almost like they happened to a completely different Vicki.
Quote of the day: Whenever I miss you, I look at my heart. Because it’s the only place I can find you. ~ Unknown
My dad had his first physical therapy session at home this afternoon. However, before that occurred, I ran out to do chores. I was able to do this because I got my dad toileted and then settled in his recliner. He is now fully incontinent to bladder and bowel, which is indeed a very sad commentary, and certainly an extra layer of work for me.
Within about 90 minutes, I went to pick up my dad's new shoes at the podiatrist office, got gas for the car, went to the post office, spoke with the pharmacist at CVS (as my dad's meds were changed back to the meds he took pre-hospitalization), and then picked up a few more things at the grocery store. I got back home, dealt with putting things away, the laundry, feeding Indie and then the therapist arrived. I participated in my dad's session and now I have exercises that I have to do with my dad three times of day, in order to address the serious de-conditioning that resulted from his hospitalization! The good news is that the therapist feels that my dad has the ability to get back to baseline, with some work. The therapist also said that my dad is functioning well enough that a referral to a nursing home was incorrect! How I wish that my mom could help me in some way with all the things I need to do for my dad, but that is just not possible, as I manage her needs and care as well.
Later in the afternoon, I took my parents back out for frozen yogurt. Getting out of the house is important, but definitely a lot of work for me, as it involves juggling a wheelchair. I know the manager at the yogurt store, ironically she and I share the same birthday, if you can believe it! Each week, I learn about her family and she certainly knows I am the caregiver of my parents. Today, for the first time she asked me if I have a husband and children. Loaded questions! I told her, yes I was once married, and knew my former husband for 35 years. I also told her I lost my only child to cancer. You know when you can see the wheels of someone's mind turning.... well I could see her absorbing what I was saying and connecting the dots through her eyes. Seeing my nightmare through someone else's facial expression is hard to take. It is hard, because I am well aware that I am the walking advertisement of loss, pain, and isolation. What did she eventually say to me, she said..... God sees everything you are doing. You only get one set of parents and all the love, kindness, and support you give to them will come back to you. Just wait and see. Whether this is true or not, it is certainly a very meaningful notion!
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