Tuesday, September 23, 2025

Tuesday, September 23, 2025 -- Mattie died 813 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2002. Mattie was five months old and Mattie was enjoying rice cereal. In fact, I would say that Mattie loved all the cereals he was introduced to and couldn't get enough of them! Note Mattie was sitting in his car seat! This car seat was a God sent. Mattie preferred it when he had to sit up and eat and during the first months of his life, I literally strapped Mattie into the car seat and but the car seat inside his crib. Mattie hated lying flat and therefore the car seat made sleep for him somewhat possible. Overall, Mattie wasn't a sleeper, and forget about napping! What I love about this photo was Mattie's eyes! Guess who he was staring at? YES ME! We had a very tight bond and were a lot alike!

Quote of the day: Mourning is one of the most profound human experiences that it is possible to have… The deep capacity to weep for the loss of a loved one and to continue to treasure the memory of that loss is one of our noblest human traits. ~ Shneidman

Do you know what today is? Yes it is September 23! But to me September 23, will always be the beginning of the end for me and my life. Life as I have known it for decades came to a crashing halt in 2023. It was on this day two years ago, that my unofficial separation began. I have learned in life that there are mini traumas and then there are enormous traumas, basically traumas on a continuum. Having had little and big ones and everything in between, I feel very well versed in trauma. What it looks and feels like. I AM SICK OF IT! When I first became single, I honestly did not know if I could make it to the next day. I had so much to learn and so many big responsibilities. I was frightened. Very frightened! Everything scared me, I was profoundly sad, confused, feeling panic and anxious. I couldn't eat and wasn't sleeping. All things I felt soon after Mattie was diagnosed. Since I became single, I have lost over 20 pounds and have kept it off even today and sleeping is something I still struggle with most nights. 

But where am I now? Two years have past. Sounds like a lot of time, doesn't it!? In the world of grief and trauma..... it isn't! Sure I am no longer in shock but the confusion and sadness remain. If you haven't figured this out about me.... I get attached to things and people. The first clue is I have been writing this blog DAILY for 17 years! The blog keeps Mattie's memory and life alive for me, it enables me to share him with others who never met him, and most of all the blog is a labor of love. It is my daily mothering of Mattie, a child who is no longer physically with me, but remains alive in my heart. Remembering requires work, as time is the biggest threat to the health and well-being of memories. I say this because this should give you some idea about how I feel about being divorced. Getting divorced is a piece of paper, it is a legal document. It is final, but unfortunately the heart doesn't work like the law. If coping with grief and loss was as easy as a divorce decree, then there would be no need for people to seek therapy and support groups. Matters of the heart are far more complex. 

That said, I was reflective today on what I accomplished in these past two years. Though my list is LONG, I will give you a snapshot of what I learned about myself in two years:

1. I learned that I can pay bills and manage a household's finances.
2. I learned that I can work with a CPA and figure out taxes. 
3. I learned that I can address basic plumbing and electrical needs. 
4. I learned that I can open up a loan to pay for a furnace.
5. I learned that I can maintain a pool and a lot of its intricacies. 
6. I learned that I can ask professionals for help (thank GOD for Steve -- my outdoor guru; Cody -- my plumber; Bob -- my electrician; Paul -- my HVAC person, Ellery -- my pool guru; everyone at my Ford dealership; my garage door repair people; Alfredo -- my contractor; Nate -- my power wash professional and the list goes on!!!)
7. I learned that I can be the caregiver for both of my parents alone. 
8. I learned that I can manage all of my parent's medical needs, hospitalizations, physical therapy sessions, and advocate effectively for them.
9. I learned that I can manage all of Indie's needs.
10. I learned that I can manage all the annual flowering plants each spring, which means buy them, schlepping them home and planting all of them. 
11. I learned that I can program and understand the sprinkler system.
12. I learned that I can understand technology better than I think!
13. I learned that I can manage communications with insurance companies (medical and home owners) and advocate for our needs. 
14. I learned that I will always be Mattie's mom, nothing will change that, no one can take that away from me.
15. I learned that I can maintain our septic system and flush out the sump pump every three months.

My list could go on and on! I have had MANY, MANY firsts over these past two years. This is not kudos to Vicki. This is instead the by-product of a desperate woman who had to learn things quickly in order to keep my household running. Because my parents were living with me, I rose to the occasion to pull it together. Because that is me.... if someone needs me...... I will figure out a way. If my parents weren't here, the course of the last two years, I have no doubt, would have looked very different. In my life, I have faced great sadness, and my divorce is one of the biggest, something I will have to learn to live with, but never get over. Through Mattie's death, I learned this life skill, but if I had the power to erase these years of pain and return to the life I once had, I would do it. Of course that isn't possible, so instead I take it one day at a time, in hopes that at some point, I will see even the tiniest glimmer about life and a future.