Tuesday, August 12, 2025

Tuesday, August 12, 2025 -- Mattie died 807 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point, we knew that Mattie was dying and Mattie's tolerance for noise and visitors was non-existent. If you have ever been hospitalized, then you know this is the last place you want to be to get rest. Hospital personnel come in and out of the room at all hours of the day or night. Most times, they just walked in, never knocking. It was very unsettling, because some times chaos was going on behind the door and if they walked into this mix, it only made matters worse! Any case, that day, Mattie's art therapists helped us by creating a STOP sign and we put Mattie's creation, Dr. Crazy Hair outside the door! Unfortunately, STOP sign and all......... it did not prevent people from coming in without knocking. It is a trained response to just come in and there was nothing we could do to change that pattern. Absolutely nothing..... which further heightened our anxiety, as we had control over absolutely nothing. 

Quote of the day: Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky

This morning I took my parents for their doctor appointments. They see this particular doctor every six months. Today he got to talking about his family dynamics. Truly the stories were fascinating, as he highlighted many relationships in his extended family that landed up in divorce. This doctor doesn't know my story, as we always focus on my parents. But it was uncanny the topic he chose today, and his candor about how the lives of several of the women in his family were permanently changed. One woman in particular became a recluse. She never leaves her home. Now I am sure to the average person who hasn't been betrayed by a significant other, the notion of disengaging from the world sounds ridiculous. Or hard to grasp! But to me, I related to her story wholeheartedly. If I did not have my parents with me, which forces me each day out into the world, I too, would close up shop. Nothing in my former life really interests me, I can't imagine anything to look forward to, and certainly socializing is a thing of the past. Yes I do think that there are things that happen to us in life that are impossible to heal and recover from. 

I would like to say that this woman's story is very unique! But from what I am seeing through my on-line communications with those who have also walked the road of great abandonment and betrayal, they too have completely altered their lives. After all how would this not be possible, when the one person you trusted and loved the most in your life, walked away? As if you never existed.

After the doctor's appointment, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. As I mentioned before, I know all the women who work behind the store's counter. They are a family and they look out for us. Today, I got to talking to one of the women, as she came over to find out how my dad was feeling after his hospitalization. While talking, we started asking about her family. Her mom lives far away and therefore she hasn't seen her in years, and with that she started to well up with tears. What I have learned from my own experiences with loss, grief, and trauma, is that trying to placate someone's pain, or saying some sort of platitude doesn't help! So instead, I just listened and allowed her the space to feel however she wanted to feel. It doesn't solve her problem or even change how she feels, but it did allow her to understand that I was listening and that I understood that she was terribly hurt. Sitting in someone else's pain is a powerful experience and it has the way of making the other person feel less alone. 

Later this afternoon, I went outside to do more weeding and watering. This is my therapy. I do so much work with my hands and arms, that by the end of the day, every muscle in my body typically hurts. When I went to the mailbox today, I pulled out this beautiful sunflower card. It was from my friend Phyllis in Los Angeles. As a long time family friend and blog reader, she knows exactly what the sunflower means to me. But what I loved was the sentiments inside the card that had me reflect on being a truly capable woman. If someone would have told me back in 2023, what I would be facing alone, and what I would have to learn on my own, I would never have believed it! NEVER! I never signed up to be single and I devoted my life to my marriage and my family. What I do know is under no circumstance, did I deserve to be treated in this manner.

Monday, August 11, 2025

Monday, August 11, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on August 9, 2009. This was a very special evening for Mattie. His child life specialist, Linda, arranged for the Lego Store, at our local mall, to host a building session with two master builders and Mattie. This session occurred after hours, so there was NO ONE else in the store! Imagine a child who LOVED Legos having the chance to be alone in the store with two master builders (guys who design, build, and maintain large-scale Lego models, often for attractions like Legoland or Discovery Centers). It was like a dream come true! When the guys told Mattie he could pick any kit in the store and they would build it together...... he couldn't pick one! Why? Because that year EVERY kit was purchased for Mattie, and there was nothing in the store he could build! Pause, think about that! That was how many hours we spent building with Legos in one year! Legos were our therapy, and working on those bricks were a positive diversion from focusing on the cancer treatment! In any case, Mattie decided he wanted to design a NYC yellow taxi with the guys! Mattie's first encounter with a NYC taxi was in September of 2008, when we went to New York to consult another medical team. Mattie loved the whole yellow taxi experience and now to this day, this yellow taxi sits behind me in my office! It is a memorial piece, and part of Mattie's legacy. 

Quote of the day: Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. ~ Mother Teresa

If you read yesterday's blog, then you know I had a very difficult Sunday. Given that I had to give my dad laxatives to manage his issue yesterday, today, I paid the consequence for that action. I will spare you the details, because you have to have a strong constitution, but when I tell you there was a mess in bed, all over pillows, and then in the shower, I am not kidding. It was an exhausting way to start my morning! No matter how much time I allot in the morning, it is never enough. 

While we were having breakfast, I received a text message from a man named, Matt. Matt is my service representative at Ford. Last Tuesday, I had my car serviced. I do it every six months, religiously! First I want to protect the life of the car and second, I want to make sure what we are driving is safe. Ford is super helpful to me, because they pick up my car at home and also drop it off when they are done, and this service is free! I can't tell you as a caregiver what a huge difference this makes to my life.

Any case, when my car was dropped back home to me last Tuesday, I noticed that my dashboard didn't look right. Something was missing! Keep in mind that last Tuesday was a nightmare in my house. I had Cody, the plumber, over, I had Semper Dry over assessing the water damage, and a host of other things. Therefore I did not have much time to focus on the car.

Within a day, I put two and two together! What was missing was this orange plastic lizard. You maybe saying... so what! Get another lizard! Well this lizard belonged to Mattie. In fact, Mattie kept this lizard in my husband's car and a green lizard in my former car. When we bought the car I am currently driving in 2016, I placed both the orange and green lizard on my dashboard. Also on my rearview mirror I have a beautiful plastic tulip that Mattie made for me. These are my three tributes inside the car to Mattie. So when one of the lizards went missing (and believe me I tore the car apart looking for it), I got upset. 

Last Wednesday, I wrote to Matt. I asked him whether he or anyone at Ford found an orange plastic lizard. The service people at Ford are busy! He could of said to me.... lady I have no time to look for a plastic lizard, or he could have simply said NO there was no lizard found. But that is not what he said. Matt looked all over the service area for the lizard and when he couldn't find it, he offered to buy Mattie another one. That is when I told him the story! Matt said he was so sorry to hear of Mattie's loss and I thought we put the lizard conversation to bed! But that wasn't the case. Matt continued to search the property for Mattie's lizard! He was passing his colleague's desk on Friday and on Kailee's desk, he noticed an orange lizard. She wasn't at work on Friday, so he waited until today to ask her about it. She told him that one of the car porters found the lizard and brought it to her. Funny story, Kailee is the unofficial lost and found in the service department. She has a drawer filled with all sorts of found goodies! Any case, Matt told her the story of Mattie and the lizard and this led to a text message to me this morning. Matt said.... good news.... we found the lizard. So after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went to Ford to pick up the orange lizard and to personally thank Matt for caring and being persistent. His act of kindness means more to me than he will ever know, and he and Kailee today made me see that yes there are kind and trustworthy people in the world. People who do things without an ulterior motive.  

This is the other side of my dashboard, with the green lizard! Now my dashboard looks back to normal! If you know anything about me now, then you know that I read into the orange lizard disappearing. Remember this lizard was in my husband's car at one time. So with this orange lizard disappearing, I took this as some sort of sign in the universe about what happened to my marriage. Yet unexpectedly this lizard came back, which to me is Mattie telling me he is seeing everything, knows everything that has gone on, and also knows that we were a loving family. 

This whole lizard story today has touched my heart. Then of course, as my life has it, nothing ever goes smoothly. I had wi-fi go out in the house and had to figure that out! Which in my house is a major crisis, and what I despise about the house, is everything seems to require wi-fi to function. Once I figured all of that out, I decided to help my mom with her hair this evening. On Thursday, it is my parent's 65th wedding anniversary. I am taking them out and I wanted my mom to feel good about herself. Washing and styling hair is NOT new to me. I have been doing this to friends since I was a kid!

Tonight, right before bringing my dad upstairs to bed, he had another bathroom accident. The whole thing got to me, so I am drinking ginger ale and typing this, but guess who sent me another sign tonight... yes my Mattie. While washing my hands at the kitchen sink, look what was staring right back at me at 10:30pm.... a beautiful grasshopper! INDEED a Mattie sign!!!

Sunday, August 10, 2025

Sunday, August 10, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie took Speedy Red for a spin in our commons area! Though Mattie only drove Speedy Red for about 2-3 weeks, it was an important purchase. It was in essence his last wish and therefore we were going to make it happen no matter what. I have to admit that I was nervous with Mattie driving, after all he had a Broviac Catheter coming out of his chest, he was connected to a pain pump and was on a portal oxygen machine. When Mattie first started driving, I sat in the passenger seat (or squeezed into the passenger seat) in order to guide his driving and provide instruction. But overall, Mattie caught on right away! I can remember this moment in time like it were yesterday! I also look at our commons area and say to myself..... we should never have left the city. Moving to our current house changed my future forever. 

Quote of the day: Betrayal annihilates trust. The more trust there is to begin with, and the more deception is involved, the more damage is done. ~ Sandra Lee Dennis

Overall it was not a good day. I had trouble falling asleep last night and was up to around 3am. Of course now that the fans are gone, Indie was banging against my bedroom door at 7am. So I woke up tired and then the rest of the day did not go according to plan. Typically on Sundays we go out to brunch, but not today. Yesterday my dad was dealing with an allergic reaction to medication and today, he was dealing with constipation. Needless to say, trying to rationalize with my dad about his bodily needs is close to impossible. Most days I can put his Alzheimer's into perspective, but then there are days like today, where it is so challenging, I want to jump out the window. 

By 2pm, I had to get out of the house! I couldn't go far, so I went into the backyard and spent two hours weeding and watering plants. I needed that outdoor time to equilibrate. It was a difficult weekend on every level and it is in these tough moments, I naturally reflect on the impossible.... life without my husband. I have a feeling no amount of time will enable my brain and heart to accept this reality.