Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was three months into his treatment and was in the hospital hallway with his buddy, Brandon (who was diagnosed around the same time as Mattie), and child life interns (Whitney and Lesley). I know without a doubt that it was a Friday! How do I know? Because the Chemistry Club was there doing a hands-on experiment that generated ice cream! I will never forget Chris, the president of the club (who thanks to my friend Susan, I have been reconnected with Chris --- WHO DID BECOME A DOCTOR!!!). Mattie loved Chris and as Mattie's treatment wore on, he typically did not want to engage with volunteers! However, that feeling did not apply to Chris. If Chris and the Club were in the pediatric units, Mattie wanted to participate. Some days that meant that the Club had to come into Mattie's room, because he was too sick to interact with others in the hallways.
Quote of the day: He smiled his shy smile at her as he went into the yard. Anne took the memory of it with her when she went to her room that night and sat for a long while at her open window, thinking of the past and dreaming of the future. Outside the Snow Queen was mistily white in the moonshine; the frogs were singing in the marsh beyond Orchard Slope. Anne always remembered the silvery, peaceful beauty and fragrant calm of that night. It was the last night before sorrow touched her life; and no life is ever quite the same again when once that cold, sanctifying touch has been laid upon it. ~ L.M. Montgomery
Today was another winner of a day, balancing the usual and also dealing with all sorts of emotions and inner conflicts. What am I talking about? I am talking about the fact that my former mother in law had surgery today. Since she lives in a completely different state, there isn't much I can do to help and support her. Since my separation and divorce, I continued to think of her as my mother in law. But I have learned that when you divorce, I legally can't refer to her as my mother in law anymore. Did you know that? Google it! It will tell you that.... "No, after a divorce, your "in-laws" are no longer legally or formally your in-laws; they are your former in-laws. The "in-law" status is tied to the marriage itself, so the relationship designation ends when the marriage ends."
Again, the law says one thing and the brain and heart may feel something completely different, especially since I have known these two people since I was 19 years old. I grew up with them, spent holidays with them, traveled with them, they are Mattie's grandparents, and the list goes on. So for almost 30 years they were my in-laws, and now THEY ARE NOT. Poof.... overnight I became single and not officially a part of a family. It is quite the rude awakening and very disorienting. I suppose just like everything else, I will find a way to navigate through this as well.
So she may not be my mother-in-law anymore, as defined by law, but that doesn't mean I don't care about her, care about her well-being, and value our history together. Any case this whole notion today brought about yet another layer of sadness to my life. My identity for decades has been stripped away.... first my child died.... leaving me to question....am I a mom?..... Then I got divorced..... so was I ever a wife? Now I come to find out that I am not even someone's daughter-in-law! WOW..... so just who am I? Everything I once was, for almost all my adult life, has crumbled, and I am left to pick up the pieces. Honestly some days I think there just isn't enough glue or tape to fix this mess.
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