Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day we took him to the National Zoo. As you can see Mattie was looking at something and I was having a good time lending commentary. The many adventures with Mattie Brown! I will never forget these moments or the amazing little fellow that he was.... he added a whole new dimension to my life.
Quote of the day: It is a strange thing that all the memories have these two qualities. They are always full of quietness, that is the most striking thing about them; and even when things weren't like that in reality, they still seem to have that quality. They are soundless apparitions, which speak to me by looks and gestures, wordless and silent—and their silence is precisely what disturbs me. ~ Erich Maria Remarque, All Quiet on the Western Front
This morning I woke up and received the above quote from my friend, a friend who is going through quite a similar situation with her own marriage. We live thousands of miles away from each other, and yet our stories are eerily similar. I am not sure what the chances of that are, but there you have it.
In any case, Remarque's quote from his novel immediately caught my attention. He beautifully captured the complexities of the human experience and memory. Though I never read All Quiet on the Western Front, I looked it up and it is a novel that explores the experiences of German soldiers during World War I. The quote was intended to reflect on the nature of memory and its lingering impact. The quote suggests that memories, even those of violent or chaotic events, often appear quiet and serene, contrasting with the reality of the experience, and this seeming contradiction is what causes emotional distress.
Of course when I read this quote, I did not know the context in which it was written, therefore I absorbed it through my own lens. Frankly I think this quote could be applied to any trauma. Because the memories of the trauma or the loss are vivid, they are palpable, and constantly streaming through my mind. The process of remembering is quiet. There is no noise, or no noise that is detected by others. Yet these "silent apparitions" can be all consuming. It takes a lot of daily work not to be fully washed away in memories, in loss, and in abandonment.
The interpretation of Remarque's quote is that his experiences with war were violent, big and bold and yet his memories are the exact opposite... they are quiet. This difference caused him distress. I can appreciate that notion, but that isn't how I interpreted the quote as it relates to myself.
For me the chaos of what has happened in my life is alive and well inside my head. Like a broken record, some form of this same memory song plays constantly, over and over, at any point in my day! It takes a lot to stop this record from playing, even sleeping is hard, because this song of loss, trauma, and abandonment plays constantly in the background. For me this song is loud and ongoing, but for you, or anyone near me, YOU DON'T HEAR THE SONG. My memories are silent to you. It is THIS silence that disturbs me. The fact that I hear this trauma/loss song and you do not. The only way I can help you understand and hear my song is through writing this blog.
Memories of my life, my marriage, and my son are all around me. Whether it is pictures, art work, or items.... all these silent things are part of my memory song. Yet even if I destroyed each and every item, the world is filled with these silent memories.... such as places we have been together, fragrances of flowers, foods we ate together, sunsets experienced, and gazing at the moon. When you spend 35 years with someone, your memories are their memories. Their memories are your memories, hearts and minds are intertwined.
The highlight of my day was I went to Lowe's garden center. I bought more flowers today, I have to do this in stages because I can carry and plant just so much at one time. When we moved into our house in 2021, my husband planted heirloom roses in beautiful flower pots in our backyard. Each and every rose died from the winter. If you know anything about me, then you know I get attached to things, and the symbolism of these roses dying sent me right over the edge. So today, I went to buy roses for these flower pots. Once I get them planted I will share photos.
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