Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Wednesday, April 23, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. For Mattie's birthday party, we put together this activity wall for the kids. Mattie loved it so much, that we kept it up for another week or two. As you can see, Mattie would go up to the wall, grab a marker and create. I actually loved the whole notion of Mattie entertaining himself and being creative. When I look at this photo it is confusing, why? Because it almost seems like this was my life in an alternative universe. I still do not understand a world where children die from cancer or where spouses just walk away. 

Quote of the day: When a single human being sets the whole of themselves aside in order to freely love another, magic is set in motion. And it is my prayer that the hope of the love that you have always longed for will never be crushed by those who have crushed you. ~ Craig D. Lounsbrough

This morning, after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom to the hospital for her six month pulmonology appointment. My mom visits this doctor every six months due to her extensive lung condition. Thankfully my mom is holding her own and her lung condition is stable. When I first met this doctor about two years ago, we clicked. He was a very personable, kind, and compassionate physician, who spent a great deal of time talking and getting to know his patients. However, over this last year, I have witnessed a total change in his demeanor, he has lost a lot of weight, and seems to have a whole new wardrobe. Today I even noticed he wasn't wearing his wedding ring. Naturally given my own personal experiences, I have connected the dots. It is clear that something is going on with him and it was my hope he would bring it up, because I find the personality change so noticeable. Being comfortable with a physician is important, as a lot can be shared and revealed about one's health through conversation. When I feel that conversation is being cut off, which is atypical from past experiences with him, then this is a red flag to me, which is why in my mom's October appointment, I may just confront the issue head on.

Later today, I took my mom out for tea. While she was looking through Facebook, I returned emails and got other things done. Then at some point, I started going through my photos on my i-phone. I went back to 2021, when we moved from Washington, DC to Virginia. Sometimes I look at photos to remind myself what my life used to look like, that how I felt about it and how I knew it to be, were actually real. That it wasn't some figment of my imagination. 

When I was packing up our townhouse in the city, I found photos and other documents that I snapped pictures of to preserve this history. Keep in mind that I received a Master's and Doctorate from The George Washington University, and I started the program in my 20s, and graduated in my 30s. I spent 9 years at the University, it was like my second home. Tonight I am sharing with you a message written by my doctoral program advisor/dissertation chair. When I evaluate my life now, I am broken in all ways. Yet Carol's words reflect the person that I am, the person she saw me to be.... a person with strength, persistence, gifts, and love for family. I am so glad she wrote these words down for me, because now 22 years later I am still reflecting upon them. 

I was collecting data and writing my dissertation while Mattie was a baby. That alone was a feat! This photo was taken at my graduation party, Mattie was a little over a year old! 

Carol was my third advisor at the University. My previous two advisors left the University and truly it was hard losing one right after the other and starting again. I had several graduate classes with Carol and loved her, but Carol (like me) is a perfectionist. I know many students wanted Carol to be their advisor, and she turned them down. When I asked Carol to be my advisor, she gladly accepted and that alone was an admission to me that she thought I had what it took to complete my degree. 

When you graduate with a doctorate, the University hosts a Tea. This is where you and other candidates are presented to the university community, family, and friends by your advisor. Carol introduced me to the audience and then shared with me what she said in writing. 

Carol's note.........................

Vicki, I thought that you (or your parents) might like having a copy of the words I spoke in honoring you at the Doctoral Tea. Cheers, Carol

This is what Carol said about me on that May day in 2003..............................

Vicki Sardi was a stellar student throughout her doctoral program. She was always an active contributor to class, an exceptional addition to course projects, and she wrote outstanding papers. In fact, I always saved her course paper to read last in the group -- for two reasons. First they were always superior, and second, her papers settled me into a good mood as I prepared to submit final grades. 

While here, Vicki received the GWU Bender Teaching Award for her superb teaching as an adjunct faculty member. She also received the American Counseling Association Multicultural Award, a Chi Sigma Iota Award, and about six other awards. 

Vicki came to us from the sciences and her work reflects the attention to detail and objectivity that are never far from a scientist's approach. But she did not have an easy time with advisors, having two who left the university and having then to settle with me. I'll never forget Vicki making me promise to stay well to avoid risky activities, and to not even think about retiring. Sure, I agreed that I wouldn't take up sky diving and promised not to retire. But I drew the limit at avoiding skiing!

Vicki's dissertation is a tour de force. In Erik Erikson's terms, she studied generativity, in this case, how organizations support those who care for elderly family members. It was not easy finding an organization or agency that offers eldercare services but she persisted -- in fact, she persisted to the extent that the federal agency she eventually did use -- came after her with an offer of full time employment. 

Vicki's doctoral study, and her need to show the support that employed caregivers need when caring for elderly loved ones, were in memory of her grandmother who had spent her last years needing full time eldercare services and of her parents who gave of themselves in her grandmother's care. Her grandmother and parents live on in Vicki's study and in the dedication to her dissertation that speaks miles about Vicki as a person. It reads: "in memory of my maternal grandmother, Anne Spallone, who showed my family how to age with grace, beauty, and dignity, and to my loving parents, Virginia and Mauro Sardi, who taught me the value, honor, and importance of compassion as caregivers." Congratulations, Vicki!

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We are all products of our experiences. I have lived a life of jumping one hurdle after the other. Getting a doctoral was indeed a hurdle, not the hardest I have had to endure, but nonetheless hard. It took courage, persistence, being politically savvy, and determination to get a PhD. While other students could work from data sets for their dissertation research, this would not suffice for Carol. She wanted me to do original research, which meant working with research subjects and collecting data in person. Given the study I wanted to conduct, it took me a year and a half to find a governmental agency that offered eldercare services to its employees and who was willing to have a student come in and assess their employees. Trust me, it wasn't easy! I will spare you that ordeal, but there were many times I thought.... I AM NEVER GOING TO GRADUATE. But I was persistent! It is perhaps one of my defining qualities. When I feel passionate about something, I don't give up. On the day of my dissertation defense, the person who oversaw my research work at the government agency (and served on my committee), offered me a job. Well not just any job, but a job he was going to create for me.... the director of the agency's work life office. This was a grade 13/14 job, which is practically unheard for a new graduate. 

Mattie was only one at the time, and I made the difficult decision not to take this full-time job. I was afraid I wouldn't be available to parent Mattie. What would life have looked like if I took that job? I know for one thing, I would be financially stable now and would have had federal benefits, but I would have missed out on the precious little time I had with Mattie. Of which I have no regrets, as Mattie was my life. Any case, reading Carol's note, just reminded me of that time point in my life, a time point, where I developed critical skills and abilities that enable me to survive the hell that I am living.