Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. This is a companion photo to last night's posting! Last night I showed Mattie with my parents in his kindergarten classroom. They were altogether to celebrate grandparents day at Mattie's school. After that event, we all went out to lunch together. Look closely! What do you see all over the table? LEGOS! Legos were a big part of our life, and that love carried over into our cancer journey. This lunch captured a happy moment, in which I thought we would have many more grandparents days into the future. It never happened, because two months after this photo was taken, Mattie was diagnosed with an aggressive form of bone cancer.
Quote of the day: The most confused you will ever get is when you try to convince your heart and spirit of something your mind knows is a lie. ~ Shannon L. Alder
My dad had a physical therapy session today, but overall he is struggling. His lip is extremely swollen, as if someone hit him and his left hand is also swollen and itchy. I swear this is his reaction to the new statin drug he was prescribed. The doctors are telling NO this isn't the case, but my gut is saying YES. This is the only new addition to his repertoire in a week. All I know is since starting this drug, he is dealing with constipation and now a rash/allergic reaction. I was told to give him Zyrtec today. I will see if that works. I have put zinc oxide on his hand and bandaged it to prevent him from scratching. I also have a bag on ice on his lip. Truly I just don't know if I am coming or going some days. Keep in mind with dementia, my dad will fixate on issues and scratch and scratch or keeping rubbing his lip, making both conditions worse.
Some days, I understand my reality, I don't like it, but I am able to block it out and carry on. But today wasn't such a day. I do not know how I went from happily married (for thirty years this July) and confident in our tried and true relationship to this chaos. It makes no sense to me and makes no sense to my family and friends. On an aside, when I took my parents out today to our local diner, you want to know what happened? The manager comped our entire lunch. When I thanked her and asked why? Her response was because she appreciates us. She appreciates our loyalty and thinks I am a very special and unusual person. Back to my point.... people observe and see everything! If you could see what I juggle when I am out with my parents...... it is just me, and I am balancing my dad in a walker, my mom holding my hand and my other hand filled with a tote bag, blankets and all their jackets (even in the summer, due to air conditioning). After experiencing this kindness I thought to myself...... complete strangers know me better and treat me better than my own husband.
After I got my parents settled back home, I packed up the car and did a donation of Foundation toiletry items. While driving, it hit me..... summer is approaching! In my mind, I will never see the beach again, I will never have these adventures with my husband, and then I thought to myself.... how does a person walk away from a lifetime together and never look back? That was in one breath and in the next breath, I asked myself..... why does God hate me so?
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