Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. I will never forget this moment in time. Mattie's elementary school had an end of the year mini carnival. They even had a little train like cart giving kids rides around the campus. Mattie was sitting next to his two best friends from kindergarten.... Charlotte (who he called his girlfriend) and Campbell. Charlotte always said that the three of them were going to go to college together and become room mates. Very sweet indeed, and it is truly hard to grasp that this was Mattie's first and last year at that school, because three months later he was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been." ~ Kurt Vonnegut
It might have been! A very powerful statement and sentiment. The expression of regret, of longing, and of the knowledge that life will not be how you imagined it could be. This morning, after getting my dad showered, dressed, and downstairs for breakfast, we did some brain games. Yes I still have multiple workbooks that I do with my dad to try to get him to think, see patterns, and work on his memory skills. This morning we did a mini sudoku and numbrix. Both number games, but it isn't about addition or subtraction, instead it is about patterns. My dad at one time was stellar with numbers, as his training is in accounting.
When my dad's therapist arrived, I noticed she looked different. Now keep in mind I saw her last week too, but did not put two and two together. It turns out she is pregnant. Naturally I am happy for her and understand this is an exciting time in her life and for her family. However, given the mental state I am in, do you want to know how this news hit me? Can you imagine?
I have to admit, since Mattie died, I really have trouble processing people being pregnant. When I hear someone is pregnant, my mind automatically goes to...... will this child have cancer too? Of course childhood cancer is very rare, UNLESS of course, your child has cancer. Then it doesn't seem so rare. When you think of the fact that two classrooms of children in the USA are diagnosed with cancer DAILY, this illustrates that it isn't as rare as the media would like us to think!
As I looked at my dad's therapist, I was transported back to the fall of 2001, when I learned I was pregnant with Mattie. Despite living through 9/11, while being pregnant and feeling stressed out about this national catastrophe, I was very focused and always concerned about the baby I was carrying. I tried to do everything right! But despite how vigilant I was, years later Mattie got cancer and then died. WHY? Why do children get cancer? Why did Mattie get cancer? Why didn't the treatment work? Why was Mattie taken too soon? LOTS of questions, and NO answers! Very little is known about why children get cancer, because unlike in adults which maybe environmentally triggered, this isn't the case with most childhood cancers! Nor do children inherit a propensity for cancer (for the most part, as there are very few genetically linked childhood cancers).
When I get in this type of mood, I can't help but think why are some people lucky enough to have healthy children? Why didn't I?
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