Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old and playing with one of his favorite things.... a cardboard box. Mattie loved all boxes, but big ones like this one really piqued his interest. The many play schemes he would create with boxes always made me chuckle. The reason this photo is blurry was because Mattie was moving in the box, making it hard to focus. But you get the gist! Life with Mattie was NEVER boring.
Quote of the day: Betrayal is difficult to process. It is difficult to understand, even on the most basic level. ~ Jon Bush
As Father's Day is approaching, you can connect the dots and imagine where I am at with this holiday! Mother's Day was ridiculous this year. It was the first year in which I did not get a card, a message, or gift from my husband. He was the one person who I thought I could ALWAYS count on to remind me that I was a mom. Now I face Father's Day. Yet I am the only one struggling with the dissolution of our 35 year relationship. You would think with the more time that goes by, the more likely my brain could accept and come to terms with my divorce. NOPE, it hasn't happened yet. However, you should keep in mind that Mattie was in my life for 7 years, gone for 16 years, and I still write his blog daily! So you can just imagine the magnitude of loss I feel having known my husband for 35 years.
Truly some days I wake up and wonder............. am I going crazy? Were the last 35 years of my life a figment of my imagination? The mind games are tremendous. But no matter what, I remain well grounded in reality! I know what I know, I know what I have experienced, and I know what love feels like, and when in doubt I have countless cards, gifts, photos, and post it love notes all over the house. This is the person I knew and how I experienced my husband, and it is very hard accepting that this person is gone. In fact, the person I used to know I consider dead. I say this with confidence because the man I knew, or thought I knew, was about love, loyalty, fidelity, and commitment.
With each year that goes by, the loss of Mattie gets more profound. It is hard to describe what this loss feels like or how it evolves with each year. This was something my husband and I just intuitively understood and connected on. Now I sit with these feelings alone. I share this forever loss alone, which is why Mother's and Father's days are particularly poignant.
Speaking of fathers, my dad asks about my husband often. He can't remember that my husband left, the circumstances around his leaving, or any of the details of his current life. I realize my dad has Alzheimer's and I put this into context, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt each time he discusses my husband. In my dad's brain, I have a feeling he thinks any minute, my husband will walk in the door and sit down and have dinner with us. As I always say to my dad, I wish I could live in his brain for just a day. A day without remembering what has happened to me, both with child loss and abandonment. Of course, I say this LIGHTLY, because Alzheimer's is a horrific disease and I wouldn't wish this upon myself or anyone else for that matter. When I say I take it one day at a time, I am not kidding.
Fortunately this house is a major distraction. As I always say, distractions are the key to survival. Today I dealt with numerous issues all before 11am. Later in the day, I decided to begin painting my side porch. Eventually I need to have the contractor back to deal with the whole porch, which is rotting away. But I can only take on one big project at a time, and the portico was my project for this season. So until I can address the side porch professionally, I decided to power wash the area, scrub it with wine vinegar and I am now doing some painting. So a side porch refresh.
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