Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. That day we went over to a friend's house and Mattie wanted to swing. Naturally given his condition, he was unable to sit on a swing himself and pump his legs. So I had him sit on top of me and we swung together. I remember that day vividly. It is hard to believe that three months later, Mattie died.
Quote of the day: No matter how bleak or menacing a situation may appear, it does not entirely own us. It can’t take away our freedom to respond, our power to take action. ~ Ryder Carroll
This morning my dad was VERY focused on locating MORE toothpaste tubes. He literally tore through every drawer in the bathroom and closet to find MORE tubes. Despite my best efforts to help him track his bathroom routine with a checklist, he still brushes his teeth four to six times a day. My dad gets up throughout the night to use the bathroom, and each time he gets up, it is like, his brain hits the restart button. He thinks it is morning, and therefore brushes his teeth, shaves, and weighs himself. So even if he checks off that he did each item on the list for that day, he will still repeatedly do each task. My dad can go through an entire large tube of toothpaste in one week. I literally just brought three large tubes, three weeks ago and they are now all GONE.
Each morning over the last month, I have tried to tell my dad that he is using too much toothpaste and needs to follow his check list. Forget it. He can't track that whatsoever. This morning, I was at my wit's end. So I explained to my dad that like his mouthwash, I will now portion out his toothpaste per day! HE DID NOT LIKE THAT IDEA AT ALL. He wants control over the toothpaste. I explained this rationally to him and he couldn't understand. Just like parenting a child, sometimes you have to make the tough decisions because you know what is best for the situation. Therefore, I removed all the toothpaste tubes from his per view and portioned out the toothpaste.
Fast forward to tonight at dinner. Keep in mind my dad can't remember one minute to the next. In fact, he couldn't tell us one thing he did at his memory care program today. But guess what came up at dinner?! YES the toothpaste. He said he was confused WHY he can't find more toothpaste upstairs. So again, I tried to explain it to him. This time, he reacted in a hostile manner. He moved his chair away from the dinner table, grabbed his walker, and was headed to the staircase. He wanted to walk upstairs and again go rummaging through the drawers to find MORE toothpaste. I told him this wasn't the time, we were eating dinner (something I spent two hours preparing), and he can't negotiate the stairs safely alone. So instead, he decided to sit in the living room, pouting, not unlike a child.
Most times I can manage these ridiculous requests and outbursts, but today wasn't such a day. I then got up from the dinner table, went upstairs and pulled out a tube of toothpaste and put it on his bathroom counter. I then went downstairs and told him he now has control of the toothpaste and that we weren't going to discuss this anymore while I was trying to eat. Of course, that didn't happen, because my mom and my dad couldn't let it go! Internally I said to myself.... I am not going to fight this battle. If I have to waste money on buying toothpaste, that is what I am going to do. As I can't take his perseveration on toothpaste.
Back to this morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I took my mom to our local social security office. Thankfully we have an office not far from our home. I recently learned that my mom's birth date that is on file at the office is incorrect. So I had to make an appointment to take her in with her official birth certificate. Today's experience was incredibly efficient and the woman we worked with was an absolute peach. Kind, professional, and very understanding. Her mom was around my mom's age, but unfortunately her mom had died years ago. Though I did not come into the office with a completed application, she patiently waited while I filled it out for my mom. If you think that one person can't make a difference to one's day, then you'd be wrong. This woman restored my faith in the system and in humanity. Because truthfully she could have sent us away, since I did not have the completed application in hand. But she didn't! She seemed to understand intuitively that scheduling things and making an appointment gets more challenging when you are close to 90 years old!
By 2:30pm, I felt so wiped out and exhausted. I told my mom I had to go home to close my eyes for thirty minutes before picking up my dad. Though I tried to rest, my mom kept talking to me the whole time. So note to self, if I want to rest, I have to go to my bedroom and close the door. These are my days, but while I manage through hour by hour, I ALWAY have a running melody going inside my head. The melody isn't pretty, it isn't something you can hum. Instead, it is a running and repeating record within my brain, that is trying to make sense over what has happened to my life and my marriage.
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