Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point, we knew that Mattie was dying and Mattie's tolerance for noise and visitors was non-existent. If you have ever been hospitalized, then you know this is the last place you want to be to get rest. Hospital personnel come in and out of the room at all hours of the day or night. Most times, they just walked in, never knocking. It was very unsettling, because some times chaos was going on behind the door and if they walked into this mix, it only made matters worse! Any case, that day, Mattie's art therapists helped us by creating a STOP sign and we put Mattie's creation, Dr. Crazy Hair outside the door! Unfortunately, STOP sign and all......... it did not prevent people from coming in without knocking. It is a trained response to just come in and there was nothing we could do to change that pattern. Absolutely nothing..... which further heightened our anxiety, as we had control over absolutely nothing.
Quote of the day: Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. ~ Fyodor Dostoevsky
This morning I took my parents for their doctor appointments. They see this particular doctor every six months. Today he got to talking about his family dynamics. Truly the stories were fascinating, as he highlighted many relationships in his extended family that landed up in divorce. This doctor doesn't know my story, as we always focus on my parents. But it was uncanny the topic he chose today, and his candor about how the lives of several of the women in his family were permanently changed. One woman in particular became a recluse. She never leaves her home. Now I am sure to the average person who hasn't been betrayed by a significant other, the notion of disengaging from the world sounds ridiculous. Or hard to grasp! But to me, I related to her story wholeheartedly. If I did not have my parents with me, which forces me each day out into the world, I too, would close up shop. Nothing in my former life really interests me, I can't imagine anything to look forward to, and certainly socializing is a thing of the past. Yes I do think that there are things that happen to us in life that are impossible to heal and recover from.
I would like to say that this woman's story is very unique! But from what I am seeing through my on-line communications with those who have also walked the road of great abandonment and betrayal, they too have completely altered their lives. After all how would this not be possible, when the one person you trusted and loved the most in your life, walked away? As if you never existed.
After the doctor's appointment, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. As I mentioned before, I know all the women who work behind the store's counter. They are a family and they look out for us. Today, I got to talking to one of the women, as she came over to find out how my dad was feeling after his hospitalization. While talking, we started asking about her family. Her mom lives far away and therefore she hasn't seen her in years, and with that she started to well up with tears. What I have learned from my own experiences with loss, grief, and trauma, is that trying to placate someone's pain, or saying some sort of platitude doesn't help! So instead, I just listened and allowed her the space to feel however she wanted to feel. It doesn't solve her problem or even change how she feels, but it did allow her to understand that I was listening and that I understood that she was terribly hurt. Sitting in someone else's pain is a powerful experience and it has the way of making the other person feel less alone.
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