Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By this point, we knew Mattie was going to die, and he elected to return to the hospital. Mattie was brilliant because there was NO WAY we could have managed his death at home. Mattie's death was horrific and required propofol to put him into a coma. Truly his room looked like a crime scene. But the day you see in this photo, took place in the child life playroom. Mattie was surrounded by his art therapists (Jenny and Jessie), Liz (a poet, who volunteered her time with the children), and volunteers. Mattie was like a moth to a flame, he had amazing energy and his energy was contagious! I will never forget these amazing women who helped us cope with the impossible. They remain always in my heart.
Quote of the day: The death of someone you love is like the lingering smell after a fire. The fire is out, the embers are cold, but still you can smell it. It’s a constant reminder that it happened. ~ J.M. Lefevre
Why can't I sit still? Why can't I relax? Well for me this feeling is NOT that unusual! It is what life looks like living with trauma and grief. A feeling I know all too well. I am aware of the fact that how I live my life looks very different from most people, yet when I talk to other women who are facing aspects of what I am dealing with now (and I am NOT talking about my caregiving role), what I am reporting resonates with them. What I know is my body and mind go into protective mode, in order to help me survive very difficult times. Therefore, I do not apologize for how I feel, I do not try to explain it to others, instead, I retreat and do the best I can to remain stable.
This afternoon it was raining, or more like pouring! I went back to the porch for another ten minutes and captured a hummingbird visitation. I captured this video but couldn't figure out how to get it onto the blog! Again, this was when I would have asked my husband for help! But since that isn't even in the realm of possibility, I googled my question. Which is when I learned about iCloud. Sure I knew about the Cloud but had NO IDEA how to access it. Another thing, I learned about today and was able to download the video I took from the Cloud and got it on the blog. This may not sound like a big deal, but for me, it was HUGE!
While out having tea with my mom today, I got countless phone calls from my dad's memory care center. They wanted me to know that my dad was profusely vomiting. I listened and then asked for more clarity! They removed him from the group and had him in the nursing area, but what I was able to deduce was he really wasn't vomiting. Instead, I connected the dots, since it happened right after lunch, it meant that he ate too fast and some of the liquid and watermelon landed up in his lungs. His lungs weren't happy and therefore he was aspirating up liquid and watermelon. Now the fact that I had to explain aspiration 101 to the center, and to a nurse, was disconcerting. They changed him multiple times as he was soaked. After getting off the phone with them, I consulted my dad's doctor and he concurred with me about what probably happened. Nonetheless, the center called again, as the coughing up of mucus was happening throughout the afternoon.
Any case, I picked up my dad from the center, and one of the staff members walked my dad to the door and she asked him how he was doing. He of course said, fantastic! Why? Because he had NO memory of any of the vomiting that occurred over a four hour period! Therefore, there was no lesson to be learned because he had no idea what happened. Policing my dad while he is eating is one of the many tasks I try to manage in any given day, because of the speed in which he eats, choking is never far from my mind. Later today, I was emailing back and forth with one of the staff members at the memory Center and she wrote to me.... "you are an amazing human being who has had far too much weight on her shoulders." AMEN, I couldn't have said it better!
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