.jpg)
Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was visiting my parents in California. Going West with Mattie was always entertaining. He was a great traveler.... he loved the whole airplane experience and was all about adventure. However, California, being three hours behind Washington, DC time, Mattie's sleep and wake cycle would be off for days. Literally Mattie would wake up at 2 or 3am, bright eyed and ready to start the day. As you can see Mattie found my sandals and was walking around the house in them. An adorable face and not a day goes by when he isn't missed or thought about!
Quote of the day: It's so weird how that can be, how you could have a night that's the worst in your life, but to everybody else it's just an ordinary night. Like on my calendar at home, I would mark this as being one of the most horrific days of my life. This and the day Daisy died. But for the rest of the world, this was just an ordinary day. Or may be it was even a good day. May be somebody won the lottery today. ~ R. J. Palacio
Though Sunny is no longer by my side, his memory remains alive and well in my house and heart. A dog never to be forgotten!
This summer marks 17 years in which I have written this blog DAILY! Not ONE year, not TWO, not ten, SEVENTEEN! Not a day goes by when I do not write. For my loyal readers, you know exactly what I am talking about. In the past, if I traveled, even on a cruise, my computer came with me, and there was always a blog posting. My blog readers have traversed with me through the hospital, Mattie's diagnosis, Mattie's treatment.... the good, the bad, and the horrific, Mattie's death, my 17 year journey with grief, my health scares, all my vacations, my role as a caregiver and now my divorce. This blog is many things, but at the heart of this blog is candor, honesty, and it reflects my inner most thoughts and feelings. Mattie's blog has always been a PERSONAL space to write, reflect, process, and of course share Mattie photos and memories. Each reader of this blog, becomes a part of my Mattie family and helps me carry on his legacy. This is a personal quest, NOT a professional one, and I am so honored you join me!
What would my life be like NOT writing the blog? I truly don't know, but I do know, if I am not writing, this would mean something is profoundly wrong with me. There are many ways, both positive and negative, that we as human beings learn to cope with life's daily grind and crises. My coping strategy has always been writing. When I first started writing the blog in July of 2008, I really had NO IDEA what I was doing or what to write about! Mattie was just diagnosed, I was traumatized, couldn't sleep and wasn't eating. It was as if someone sent an electric current through my entire body! I was wired, anxious, and couldn't settle down. On a daily basis family, friends, and our school and work communities wanted updates about Mattie. It was exhausting telling the story countless times a day, and sometimes I just couldn't talk because I was with Mattie. Which was when we decided to set up a blog. Back then, Caringbridge, or other platforms did not exist. So we turned to blogger!
As I began to write, sure I reported things out like a reporter.... giving the facts about what Mattie was facing and what we were facing as a family. However, my personal nature and professional education are centered around emoting! So as I began to get more comfortable with writing the blog, the blog began to explore raw emotions and issues... fear, joy, sadness, depression, anxiety, grief, trauma, you name it! All the natural and understandable psychosocial issues that arise when your child has cancer and how this altered my life in every way. I do believe it is my candor, honesty, and ability to walk you through my day that has brought so many readers to Mattie's blog. After all if you just wanted facts, you could easily search for that on the Internet. This blog is about my lens, my perspective, and it is my journey of survival, survival of many impossibles! Some days, I joke to myself, that you are tuning in just to see.... did Vicki make it through another day???? Through sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings, which I assure you takes great courage, I have gotten connected to so many of you. Which is a blessing! Over the years, I have gotten feedback about my writing and how it has helped you. I laugh at times, when a reader says..... "I did a Vicki, or I channeled my inner Vicki," which usually means being assertive and advocating for your own medical needs or that of others in your care.
For me being open and honest on the blog is easy. It is easy because I have had 17 years of practice. But even with practice, it requires a great deal of courage and vulnerability to write and share my journey. However, with time and daily discipline to write this blog, it makes it easier to be open in this space and I would like to think that through my openness, my words and experiences resonate with you. You may identify with what I am expressing, perhaps I am putting your own fears and thoughts into words, or at the very least you are seeing.... YOU ARE NOT ALONE! One of my favorite lines in the world. It conveys just so much, because at the end of the day, none of us want to feel alone. We all want to be connected in some way, because it is through human connections, that life is far more meaningful.
So for example, why do I tell you about the specific caregiving challenges I face on a daily basis? Issues such as intensive clean ups. Could I spare you the details? Probably, but then that wouldn't be real! It wouldn't be authentic! Could I give you a briefer overview of these issues? Probably, but there is NOTHING about caregiving that is for the meek. I think through open and honest dialogues, it normalizes issues that maybe more difficult to discuss out of fear that we may be misunderstood or that we are different. By sharing thoughts and feelings openly, we can see that we are actually more alike than different! Similarly, for those of you who lost someone meaningful in your life, then you know how crushing this is, and frankly the only way to deal with grief (of any kind) from my experience is talking about it, talking about it some more, and MORE, and MORE, and MORE. Yes I have done 17 years of writing, but many of you have done 17 years of reading! People are reading my words around the country and beyond our 50 States. For each and every one of you who absorbs what I write, who shares in my journey, who reads my blog before you go to bed or when you wake up every morning (so touching to be part of you daily routine!), I am GRATEFUL! This shows the power of my Mattie Brown, a mother's undying love, and the willingness to be vulnerable.
No comments:
Post a Comment