Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. In fact, this is a follow up photo from last night! Last night's blog photo featured Mattie with his birthday cake. Mattie was very excited to have a bowling party and to be surrounded by both his kindergarten and preschool friends! Truthfully Mattie had come so far emotionally, from the days when he was a toddler, trying to cope with sensory integration issues and becoming overwhelmed by his environment and with other people. I am a firm believer that early intervention made a huge difference in his life, so that by the time Mattie entered preschool no one knew he had overcome these issues! But back to the photo..... while at Mattie's 6th birthday party, he developed a fever. When we got home, Mattie took to the couch and fell asleep! Mattie was NOT a napper, so I knew when he fell asleep during the day, he was sick! Of course three months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain. ~ Emil Dorian
I went to bed with a migraine and I woke up with it too. I have been struggling now for days. What would help is less stress and more sleep. But since that is not going to happen, I push on. When I went downstairs at 6:30am today, I looked out the window at the portion of the pool that was resurfaced and I freaked out. Why? Because all the water I put into the pool yesterday was gone. The water level went down over an inch. I got my painter's tape out and marked the water line with today's date and then sent an email to the pool company. This was a significant repair and therefore I expect it to solve the problem! So I have been contending with that stress on top of everything else.
This afternoon, after I picked my dad up at his memory care center and got my parents settled, I went outside to the backyard. I cleaned up flower pots and hopefully within the next week or so, I can begin purchasing plants and garden. I find the only place where I find some sort of peace is outside. I have been separated since September 2023 and divorced since October 2024. In all reality, it feels like it was just yesterday. I am no further along in my feelings about this, other than I continue to feel devastated with no hope for a future. Certainly not the future I imagined. Each day, I wonder how could I be so wrong about my marriage? Thankfully I am not the only one shocked and confused by what is happening to me, which helps in a way, because otherwise, I could feel like I could lose my mind.
Signing off because being by a computer hurts my eyes and head. Tomorrow, I take my parents to the city for their dentist appointments. This is an enormous stress for me, because it involves using a wheelchair and managing my dad's toileting needs while he is getting a dental cleaning and exam. It is also hard to believe that my dad is turning 91 years old on Sunday! I am glad my dad continues to live a long life, but like so many things, it makes me pause and ask why Mattie wasn't as lucky?
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