Wednesday, April 8, 2026

Wednesday, April 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. In fact, this is a follow up photo from last night! Last night's blog photo featured Mattie with his birthday cake. Mattie was very excited to have a bowling party and to be surrounded by both his kindergarten and preschool friends! Truthfully Mattie had come so far emotionally, from the days when he was a toddler, trying to cope with sensory integration issues and becoming overwhelmed by his environment and with other people. I am a firm believer that early intervention made a huge difference in his life, so that by the time Mattie entered preschool no one knew he had overcome these issues! But back to the photo..... while at Mattie's 6th birthday party, he developed a fever. When we got home, Mattie took to the couch and fell asleep! Mattie was NOT a napper, so I knew when he fell asleep during the day, he was sick! Of course three months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain. ~ Emil Dorian

I went to bed with a migraine and I woke up with it too. I have been struggling now for days. What would help is less stress and more sleep. But since that is not going to happen, I push on. When I went downstairs at 6:30am today, I looked out the window at the portion of the pool that was resurfaced and I freaked out. Why? Because all the water I put into the pool yesterday was gone. The water level went down over an inch. I got my painter's tape out and marked the water line with today's date and then sent an email to the pool company. This was a significant repair and therefore I expect it to solve the problem! So I have been contending with that stress on top of everything else. 

This afternoon, after I picked my dad up at his memory care center and got my parents settled, I went outside to the backyard. I cleaned up flower pots and hopefully within the next week or so, I can begin purchasing plants and garden. I find the only place where I find some sort of peace is outside. I have been separated since September 2023 and divorced since October 2024. In all reality, it feels like it was just yesterday. I am no further along in my feelings about this, other than I continue to feel devastated with no hope for a future. Certainly not the future I imagined. Each day, I wonder how could I be so wrong about my marriage? Thankfully I am not the only one shocked and confused by what is happening to me, which helps in a way, because otherwise, I could feel like I could lose my mind. 

Signing off because being by a computer hurts my eyes and head. Tomorrow, I take my parents to the city for their dentist appointments. This is an enormous stress for me, because it involves using a wheelchair and managing my dad's toileting needs while he is getting a dental cleaning and exam. It is also hard to believe that my dad is turning 91 years old on Sunday! I am glad my dad continues to live a long life, but like so many things, it makes me pause and ask why Mattie wasn't as lucky?

Tuesday, April 7, 2026

Tuesday, April 7, 2026 -- Mattie died 840 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Mattie was celebrating his 6th birthday and the theme was Scooby Doo. Mattie absolutely LOVED Scooby! He must have seen every episode and movie! That year we had his birthday party at a bowling alley! Literally his entire kindergarten class and many preschool friends were invited. Mattie started out strong, but as the party was coming to an end, he developed a fever and was quite ill. Ironically three months later, he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender. ~ John Mark Green

It was a three rings circus today. My dad had two physical therapy sessions and I also had multiple people over trying to repair the leak in the pool. My pool company told me today that I may eventually have to resurface the entire pool! I told her, this was NOT what I wanted to hear, as I just resurfaced a portion, and I can't tell you how ridiculous this was from a cost stand point. I told her if she has to resurface the whole pool, I will have to sell a kidney! Managing this house would be hard enough even if I were married, but alone, the stress I deal with daily, along with caregiving and the Foundation is beyond believable. I am quite sure that what I juggle would send a few people cowering in a corner on any given day. At one point today, I heard an alarm going off in the house! Seriously I thought I was going to jump out the window. I went room to room, and then realized the issue was the water sensor in the house. It was going off and shut all the water off to the house. By all intensive purposes it detected a leak! Where was the leak? It was at the pool. The pool company was running water from a garden house to refill it, and so much water was being used that this water sensor in the house decided.... NOPE there is a problem, SHUT OFF THE WATER! Thankfully my plumber taught me how to manage this issue months ago if it should arise. I am sick of everything being in an app! Too many logins and passwords, they rule and have taken over my life. 

When I tell you that I could write a how to manual for women on home ownership, I am not kidding, because I have had to figure out so much on my own! The next issue today is that my house lost its Wi-Fi guest passcode. My dad's physical therapist was trying to get on Wi-Fi today and no matter what we did, it was impossible to access. This of course sent me into another panic. But I contacted the Verizon field supervisor (yes I have gotten to know him, because I have that many issues!) and they will be coming back to my home potentially tomorrow or next week. 

If you have been following along, then you know I have been struggling with a wild migraine. I have taken every medication possible to enable me to function. But today, I had to also focus on paying many, many bills and taxes. I was so overwhelmed by all of this, but instead of flipping out, I took a deep breath, and just told myself..... you will figure it out!  

Monday, April 6, 2026

Monday, April 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. It was Mattie's 5th birthday party! That day his entire preschool class was invited to the National Zoo! All the kids got safari hats and got to take a special private tour with a zoo keeper. Naturally the weather did not cooperate.... as there was torrential rain! What I thought was going to be a disaster turned out to be a big adventure! One of my friends took this photo and then Michele sent it to me! I am so happy she captured Mattie's excitement. What is hard to see, was Mattie's amazing emotional growth! He went from a toddler who couldn't handle noise, people near or touching him, to a child that truly appreciated having friends and all the fun that comes with sharing moments together! Mattie was amazing and courageous even before ever being diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: If it were this easy to "just get over" chronic pain, nobody would ever suffer from it. I totally do not understand how people can nonchalantly brush off how utterly debilitating, painful, and agonizing it is to have to struggle through every second of every single day. I think it speaks volumes to their character when someone can dismiss another's pain as if they were swatting a fly off their shoulder. Chronic Pain cannot be dismissed. The burdens and black clouds that hang over our heads cannot just be cleared or moved over. It takes incredible strength and resilience to walk through the darkness not knowing if you'll get to the other side where the light is. We all do it every single second of every day. For some, the light comes much faster than for others. ~ Marni Kyle

I got up today at 5:30am. I had to do this because I had blood work that had to be completed at my doctor's office and in order to get there by 10am, I needed to get up early to manage my dad, breakfast, chores and dropping my dad off at his memory care center! Since I had to fast for this test, I went through my entire morning without food. That may not sound like a big deal, but for my head.... it is a huge deal! Needless to say, a migraine was triggered this morning and now at 6pm, it hasn't gotten any better.

After the doctor appointment, I stopped at our local bank. When I tell you I know every teller and banker, I am NOT kidding. That is how helpful they have been to me since my divorce. One banker gives me a hug every time she sees me. But today I was chatting with one of the tellers. She is a part time caregiver to her mom, so we share stories each time I am in. Today, however, this same teller told me about the tragic death of her boyfriend, who was killed in a freak car accident. The accident happened in March of 2021, and to this day, she HATES the month of March. That may sound odd to others, but to me, it makes PERFECT sense! When our lives have been dramatically changed and the course of our future altered..... we remember! Which is why I could never forget July 23, 2008....the day Mattie was diagnosed; August 5, 2009....... the day we learned Mattie's cancer metastasized, and of course September 8, 2009......the day Mattie died. These days are etched in my mind, as are September 23, 2023.........the day my separation began, and October 31, 2024...... the day my divorce was finalized. 

This afternoon, I stopped with tasks and chores and I took my mom out for tea. Seriously by 1pm, she starts walking in circles until I take her out! Don't you know it while having tea and sitting still, someone kept ringing my doorbell. I could see this from my cell phone. This person was persistent. So I finally answered the door through my phone and it was a contractor who arrived to fix the leak in the pool. I have been dealing with this significant pool leak since last summer! It is finally being addressed but the contractors are driving me nuts. NUTS I TELL YOU! I had to run home and deal with the contractor's needs. 

Because of my migraine and running around, it would have been nice of the contractor to thank me for rushing home to accommodate him! After all I did not know he was coming! When I arrived home, he didn't say a word of thanks, but only made more demands. At which point, I blew up, and he proceeded to tell me how rude I was! If he only had some idea of what I was balancing, perhaps he would take rude off the table. Especially since I had opened up a hose bib for him last week, that was located by the pool. Instead, today, he insisted that every hose bib around the backyard be turned on. That was when I lost it! I then called my pool company to complain about this contactor and the owner of the pool company is coming on-site tomorrow because she knows I have reached my patience limit! 

Signing off today because the chores just continue and my head is pounding and I can hardly keep my eyes open from pain. 

Sunday, April 5, 2026

Sunday, April 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was celebrating his fifth birthday at the National Zoo. The theme was Lightning McQueen. A movie favorite of Mattie's! I will never forget that birthday party because there was torrential rain and the party entailed a tour around the Zoo! I truly thought it was going to be a disaster. I contacted all the moms and told them the children needed boots, raincoats and umbrella. Turns out the animals LOVED the rain, and they were all out and roaming about and I think the rain made it a real adventure for the children. 

Quote of the day: I can feel grateful for what I have while also feeling grief for what I’ve lost. ~ Joanne Cacciatore

We had my friend Mary Ann over today for Easter, which helped tremendously. It is very hard carrying conversation each day, constantly repeating myself with my parents, and therefore having a fresh perspective and a conversationalist in my house today was refreshing. Mary Ann went to graduate school together and we have been through many ups and downs in each other's lives! 

I would like to say that I have gotten used to not having my other half around! Forget it! NOT true! One of the many things I miss, is having my kitchen partner! We worked well together. In my entire married life I never carved a roast. So now when I have to do it...... I don't get it right. I am sure if I practiced or did not feel rushed juggling my parents and my dad's bathroom needs I would get it right. BUT I DIDN'T today! 

It was my first attempt at making scalloped potatoes, and I loved them. It is hard to believe something so easy, could be so tasty! I typically would have made mashed potatoes, but my dad hates them! My dad used to love lamb, but clearly not anymore. He chewed each piece today and then spit it out. He had a mound of chewed meat on his plate for me to clean up. Of course, if I were to ask him what he ate minutes after he ate it, he'd have no idea. Better yet, if I asked him about today, he wouldn't even know he had an Easter dinner! It is very upsetting to me at times, especially since I try to work hard at cooking and cleaning. 

Mary Ann and my dad share a birthday week! My dad was convinced that this plant and balloon were for him. We tried to explain multiple times that Mary Ann's birthday is two days before my dad's, but he couldn't get it! Instead, he kept saying that my birthday is two days before his! We were going in circles over this! But unfortunately it is true.... my dad has NO IDEA when my birthday is!

Me with my parents!