Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was in his preschool classroom, in his favorite location... up in the loft. The loft had steps up, and it was like entering a tree house. I remember when Mattie first started at this preschool, the director of the school said that in all her years, she never saw a child go through so much tape as Mattie. Mattie apparently loved tape, not scotch tape, but painter's tape, that came in multiple colors. He apparently loved to tape up the entire treehouse! Truly when I heard this, it made me laugh. It was at this preschool that Mattie came into his own, made solid friendships, and to this day, many of my friends came from this school.
Quote of the day: Betrayal can only happen if you love. ~ John le Carre
Mattie died on September 8, 2009, which was a Tuesday. Each Tuesday, on the blog, I track the number of weeks Mattie has been gone. Why do I do this? Because on that Tuesday, my life changed forever. It is a day that is permanently etched in my mind. Therefore all subsequent Tuesdays, are clouded by that horrific Tuesday.
When I noticed that today marks 800 weeks since Mattie's death, it caught me off guard! How could 800 weeks or 16 years have just flown by? It just doesn't seem possible. My life keeps chugging along, but in so many ways, when Mattie died so did I. With each traumatic loss, a piece of you disappears. Or these pieces just get consumed, and you are left with the ashes of your former self. I am sure this sounds crazy, but it is the reality and as you know I am NOT afraid of calling out the truth.
I have several friends going through their own losses, either because of death of a spouse, or abandonment by a spouse. The one common denominator for all of us, is the feeling of NOTHINGNESS. Meaning nothing interests us, there seems like there is nothing left for us in the world, and forget defining who we are, what we want, or what we hope for. This may sound depressing, and you maybe saying.... wow, how is this possible? It is NOT only possible, but it is the reality of anyone deep into grief and/or trauma. Nothingness...... is as good as it gets! I am aware of this nothingness feeling, because I somehow survived Mattie's diagnosis and death. Which is why my current state is not as upsetting! I am not necessarily wondering.... what is wrong with me? Will I always feel this way? The simple answer is nothing is wrong with me or with my friends and YES unfortunately I will always feel this way!
Healing from grief and trauma is NOT about bouncing back to normal! If this is the hope you may have for yourself or someone you know, then I am afraid you are headed for a bad fall! The way to cope with the impossible, is to take it one day at a time. These feelings do not go away, and you do not magically return to "normal." As so many hope and wish for you! Instead, you learn to live with all these uncomfortable and unsettling feelings. They become more familiar to you, and with this familiar feeling, you somehow find your way in the world to let other people and experiences back in. But if you see someone close to you who is pulling away from you, shutting down, setting up barriers and boundaries, this is not only NORMAL, this is needed to cope with unimaginable pain, loss, and trauma.
One of my friends says she could never survive if she did not talk to me or others she knows who are going through abandonment each day. Yes this maybe true, as it always helps to find others experiencing similar issues and knowing you are not alone. Together we find words to describe the unexplainable, the unimaginable, that makes no sense in our minds, hearts, and spirits.
I admire women who choose to be single and are happy and able to have enriched lives. I wasn't meant to be single, I don't do single well, and I chose to get married to my college sweetheart at the age of 24 for a reason. Because for me, life is much better shared with someone you love and trust. Tomorrow, I head for my 90 minute breast MRI. To me this is a hateful test and given that my insurer is requiring me to go to a new testing site, I am not happy. There is some comfort in the familiar of a system. Especially when my emergency contact is NOW GONE! I head into this test alone physically and literally and it is a daunting notion, knowing that whatever the outcome is, I face that alone too.
2 comments:
Good luck with your test tomorrow dear Vicki. Wear something nice. Put a dash of lipstick. I used to do that on my most difficult days. I wanted to look better than how I was feeling. I hope I have not offended you with my suggestion. Your loyal reader from Washington State
My dear Washington State reader, you most definitely did not offend me! I am a BIG proponent of what you are talking about. Even when Mattie was living in the hospital, I never started a day without first taking a shower, blow drying my hair and putting on make up! It may have been at 4am, but that was the only way I could make it through a LONG day. Looking how one feels, serves NO purpose! I agree with you wholeheartedly! As always, thank you for sharing the journey with me. Vicki
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