Tonight's pictures were taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old! Mattie was like my shadow. He was never too far away from where ever I was.... even our small kitchen in the city! In fact, Mattie would come into the kitchen, I would turn on the radio, and then we would dance. So this was a photo capturing one of our dancing moments.
Also a common occurrence, was Mattie would grab my face and then smoosh his cheeks against mine! It is no wonder that one of my nicknames for Mattie was Mattie Mooosh.
Quote of the day: Everybody's window of tolerance is different because we've all gone through different things and adapted to our circumstances differently. ~ Jordin James
Recently a friend mentioned the term, window of tolerance. Meaning within this window she can manage and cope with daily tasks and stresses, but outside this window, instability ensues. She was using it in the context of not taking on anything new in her life, because consistency, structure, and routine, were key to her survival. There is a lot of truth to what she is saying because I see it within my own life.... I have a very structured routine and existence. I am constantly doing tasks, and the notion of doing something that isn't part of my daily routine is anxiety producing. I once used to love meeting with friends, going places, and having new experiences. NOT ANY MORE!
This image summarizes the concept of window of tolerance. It describes the optimal emotional zone we can exist in, to best function, thrive, and manage everyday life.
On either side of this optimal zone are two other zones: the hyper-arousal zone and the hypo-arousal zone.
If you experience internal or external stressors that cause you to move beyond and outside of our window of tolerance then you may find yourself existing in either a hyper-aroused or hypo-aroused state.
Hyperarousal is an emotional state characterized by high energy, anger, panic, irritability, anxiety, hypervigilance, overwhelm, chaos, fight-or-flight instincts, and startle response. Hypoarousal, by contrast, is an emotional state characterized by shutting down, numbness, depressiveness, withdrawal, shame, flat affect, and disconnection.
Moving outside of our Window of Tolerance happens to ALL of us. It is normal and natural, because we are constantly exposed to all sorts of experiences throughout our lifetime. So perhaps it isn't about staying within this narrow window of tolerance, but learning how to expand our window of tolerance and grow our capacity to be resilient. Again, it is easier to say this than it is to do it!
In the last four years, my window of tolerance, has been forced to expand. When my parents moved in with us in 2021, it was a major adjustment. It was hard going from being in control of my own life, my own schedule, and my own decisions, to giving up all of this freedom, in order to provide around the clock care. Truly it was so overwhelming in the beginning, that I frequented the hypo-arousal stage, in which I blocked out and became numb to what was happening to my life. I was so overwhelmed and depressed by these changes, that I truly needed my spouse to step in and emotionally support me. I needed someone to help me emotionally and share this journey with me.
When this did not happen, again my window of tolerance was forced to expand. I have had to learn about finances, bill paying, house repairs, keeping a house running, car repairs, the death of Sunny, caring for Indie (our cat) and complex caregiving needs. In this case, I went in the opposite direction, I am constantly hyper-aroused. Which could be how I accomplish all I do in any given day. I am constantly plagued with anxiety, panic, and there are indeed times where I feel so overwhelmed, I don't know how I will live through the next minute.
What do I do? As the image implies, there are things that can help us expand our window of tolerance. Most of them DON'T work for me, but what does is nature. When I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin from anger or anxiety.... I go into the garden and either weed, pick up sticks/branches, water the plants, or do something active. I have learned that negative energy has to be expended before it consumes me!
Other than nature, my other MAIN outlet is this blog! For me writing is therapeutic. I remember when I was in graduate school, I was required to attend several Alcohol Anonymous meetings, in order to learn first hand about the 12 step program, hear from people with addictions, and understand the benefits of AA. At first I did not get AT ALL why anyone would find being in a group, sharing your story but NOT getting feedback and direct emotional support helpful! But I NOW get it wholeheartedly, because in so many ways this blog serves a similar role. I write, I share, I process my own thoughts and feelings, without the expectation of a response. In fact, the journey of coping with trauma and grief means telling, telling, telling, and retelling my story in order to be able to find my own internal peace and strength. Telling my stories help to expand my window of tolerance.
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