Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. Mattie was six years old and believe it or not, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer two months later. It is truly hard to believe, because there really were no warning signs that Mattie had bone cancer. Not until he entered tennis camp and then complained of arm pain in July of 2008. This photo shows a typical warm weather day for us. Mattie loved being outdoors, on our deck, and creating all sorts of play schemes. Mattie was in the process of designing an obstacle course for his cars and toy trucks. Water was involved as well! Watching him in motion was truly entertaining because Mattie was always exploring, creating, and making life an adventure.
Quote of the day: The past beats inside me like a second heart. ~ John Banville
This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I headed around town to mail and hand deliver Foundation items to raffle winners. I literally pushed myself to get this done, because I do not like keeping winners waiting. Now of course in order to get my dad up and ready as well as my mom ready for her physical therapy session, a whole cascade of activities was involved. I get up at 6:30am, in order to get out the door with my dad at 10am. It takes me at least 3.5 hours to manage the morning routine.
One of our raffle winners is a long time contributor. He is associated with another non-profit and today it was lovely to visit with him and catch up. In the process of talking, he suggested that myself and my husband get together with him and a few other non-profit leaders to discuss the challenges non-profits face and how to work around these issues. Actually it was a wonderful idea! To the majority of my world, most people still think I am married. I continue to wear my wedding ring, which in engraved.... always & forever. Why do I wear my ring? I guess it is a personal decision for each person who faces divorce. But for me, I did not elect to get divorced, I haven't walked away from my commitments, and my marriage produced Mattie. So in my mind, this ring symbolizes my life, removing it, means what????? That this part of my life never existed? That this part of my life wasn't real? Or that this part of my life is meaningless? Well it isn't for me. My brain still can't accept what happened because there were no warning signs, no years of fighting and disagreements, and never a need to seek professional help. Which is why I remain in shock and this isn't just a Vicki thing, our family and friends are equally confused!
When I left this donor's house, I ran into a dog walker. What kind of dog was he walking? Literally a dog that could have been Sunny's twin! This dog gravitated to me and was so friendly. I can't tell you what a ray of sunshine he was and how seeing this cute face, pulled me out of a feeling of despair.
When my donor mentioned my husband today, I did not correct him, or provide any details. It wasn't the context to have such a conversation. But this feeling of not knowing how to handle the mention of my husband reminds me of when Mattie died. I did not know how to refer to myself.... was I a mom, was I not a mom? Truly depending who I was talking to at the time, my answer could have been different.
No matter the circumstances of how my divorce played out, it is never a good feeling to be the one left behind, the one to be forgotten, not valued, and disrespected. Ironically I am the one who remains embarrassed by all these behaviors, and anyone who knows me knows that I give 110% of myself to everything. Therefore, I view this as my failure. It takes a lot of rationalization on my part to understand that I did not fail, especially if I didn't know something was wrong. Like peanut butter goes with jelly, I also viewed my husband and me as the perfect combination, as we survived all sorts of things life threw at us. I may not write much about my personal feelings regarding this subject that often, but if you think I have gotten over being heartbroken, you would be incorrect.
On another note..... as a sequel to yesterday's posting about Prolia. You may recall that I put a complaint in writing to my insurer...... guess who I just heard from tonight? YES my insurer. I have now been assigned a personal representative..... she tracked down my appeal, and is getting an expediated review. Let's hope that there are no more hurdles, but at this point, I always plan for the worst.
2 comments:
Your strength through these challenges is truly inspiring, especially balancing caregiving and personal hardships. I admire how you hold onto meaningful symbols like your ring and keep giving your all despite everything. Wishing you peace and support as you navigate this difficult time.
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Thank you for finding the Mattiebear Blog, for reading my posting, and for your lovely comment. If your company is willing to consider a Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation sponsorship next year, please email me at vicki@mattiemiracle.com. Much thanks, Vicki
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