Tonight's picture was taken on June 12, 2004. We were in Peter's car, on a road trip to Boston. When Mattie was a baby and toddler, I always sat next to him in the back seat. Unless it was just the two of us and therefore I was driving. Mattie was always fully on, engaged, and wanted you to be participating in whatever he was doing. Driving in a car was no different! I also see the tell tale sippy cup filled with milk. Some kids are attached to stuffed animals or little trinkets! Mattie's equivalent was the sippy cup. We never left home without it, and it couldn't be filled with just anything. It had to be milk!
Quote of the day: Actions are the first tragedy in life, words are the second. Words are perhaps the worst. Words are merciless. . . ~ Oscar Wilde
My friend posted an article entitled, "Parents Who Suffer Tragedies Do Not Need or Want Your Cruel and Pointless Criticism" on Facebook. This article centered around the two year old boy who was attacked by an alligator in Orlando and eaten whole. This is certainly an article that captures the reader's attention and hopefully gets one to think twice before judging the circumstances around the death of a child. I say this because even with cancer, Peter and I received a lot of commentary about why Mattie got sick and worse when he was dying, one mom said to me this was happening because I did not pray hard enough for Mattie! YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The author of this article feels that people say hurtful things because they feel "superior" over parents whose children have died. Superior in the way of being a better parent! I hear what he is saying, but I really do question that. Superiority may come into play, but I am not sure that is the true cause of the verbal attacks! Particularly since I know well intentioned people who can also say very insensitive things when a child is dealing with a life threatening illness or has died. I truly believe that the issue is not necessarily superiority, but the simple emotion of fear. There is a certain order in life.... the younger generation is supposed to outlive the previous generation. In addition, I also think that at the heart of the matter we believe that if we lead a "good" life, good things will unfold for us. It provides us with a false sense of control over our destiny. So when a child dies, by whatever means, the natural human reaction is to LOOK for an explanation! Because with an explanation (or in this case blame) people can feel that such a nightmare couldn't possibly happen to them, but more importantly it helps us take back control of how things work in the world and our future. Control which is lost when a child dies. My heart goes out to this family who lost their two year old on vacation and I do agree with the author of the article.... there is TOO much inhumanity expressed through social media. Which maybe why I spend little time on it.
But what caught my attention in this article was that the author said..... "Until you have been entrusted with caring
for another human being’s body and soul every second of the day for 18 or more
years, you cannot possibly comprehend what it entails." He was trying to send a message to non-parents, because he feels that it is non-parents who are particularly saying heartless things about this tragedy. The author feels that it is impossible to know the complexities of being a parent without being responsible for a child. I do agree with him, I just don't understand why he had to qualify the time period, since some of us weren't lucky enough to parent our children for 18 or more years! I may not have raised Mattie to age 18, but I am pretty sure I got a crash course in parenting 101 and then some during Mattie's seven years of his life.
1 comment:
Vicki,
I have several thoughts after reading this blog. The quote was very meaningful because I do believe the entire quote but I too, find hurtful words the worst! Tragedies strike without warning, whether it is an accident like the little child snatched by the Alligator or the cancer diagnosis of a child. Neither were chosen by the parents, how long they parented does not factor at all into their loss or grief. You are correct when you say, people think these things will never happen because they have the erroneous feeling that all that happens in life is in our control, if we are vigilant. It is not true but this belief leads others to be judgers and criticize the actions of parents. Many people believe there are answers to all things that happen. This is simply untrue and impossible - life happens! Parenting is the hardest chosen profession. Parents do all in their power to protect their child. But life happens and bad, horrible things occur. What happens is tragic enough without encountering others criticism, that they could have somehow avoided having it happen to them. The little boy's family left a family vacation without their child. You left Georgetown without Mattie after he died. Neither of you chose this ending yet it happened. How long you parented your child, did not matter. Your lives were altered by the profound loss, forever! Once a parent, always a parent!
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