Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old and sitting in his high chair. Mattie was not in love with his high chair and it took many months to get him used to sitting in it. At three and four months old, he preferred eating in his car seat! There was something confining about the high chair and it clearly bothered Mattie. Unlike me, Mattie wasn't really motivated by food. He did not seek food out and meal times with Mattie were more like calisthenics for us, than about consuming food. I would say by the time Mattie was five years old, he got the hang of sitting at a table and eating as a family.
Quote of the day: Your memory is the glue that binds your life together; everything you are today is because of your amazing memory. You are a data collecting being, and your memory is where your life is lived. ~ Kevin Horsley
If Horsley's quote is accurate and memories are the glue that binds my life together, then I have a big problem. As I remember dressing up for Halloween in college, but I have NO recollection ever taking this photo and I couldn't even tell you where this photo was taken. As I recognized nothing about the scenery! So I wrote to my friend Leslie, who was my freshman college roommate, and we remain connected. Leslie fortunately remembered that the photo was taken at the apartment she lived in during our senior year. I had to dig deep, because I did not even recall Leslie living off campus. So much for my memory!
Perhaps this happens to all of us...... that we forget certain moments in time. Yet I am also aware of having two halves to my life. My life before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer and my life after Mattie died. I do not know whether trauma research has delved into how trauma affects our pre-trauma memories..... meaning how did Mattie's cancer treatment and death impact how I remember my life prior to this trauma? Typically when talking about trauma what is discussed is how one may re-experience the original trauma through flashbacks or nightmares and avoid stimuli associated with the trauma, as well as have increased arousal (such as difficulty falling or staying asleep and anger). I absolutely know without a doubt that the trauma of Mattie's treatment and death has left me with increased arousal. I skew much more anxious now, I can feel agitated and jumpy easily and ten years later, all of this still impacts my sleep.
However, with that said I would say that trauma impacts one's ability to concentrate, the ability to filter out certain noises around us, and the ability to remember. Prior to Mattie being diagnosed, I could read and concentrate anywhere! It did not matter if people around me were talking or music was blaring. Now forget it! I can't process anything I read unless I am in a quiet setting without other distractions around me. I am very attuned to how I have changed because of Mattie's cancer, and seeing this college photo this week reminded me..... that yes there is a cognitive component to trauma.
