Monday, November 20, 2023Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. This was one of our favorite family spots.... Roosevelt Island. I can't tell you how many weekends we drove to the Island, walked, explored, and talked. It was like Mattie's natural playground! The Island had everything from paths, water, rocks, and wildlife. I will never forget these adventures and the sad part about life is sometimes we do not enjoy what we are doing while we do it! There is a lack of appreciation for the small gifts in life. It is only later in life, with reflection, and other things arising, that we can look back and say.... these were actually the best times in life. I think what this tells me is it is very important to be intentionally present as we live each day.
Quote of the day: It’s not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There’s shadowy middle ground. Recognizing and understanding the shadows is what a healthy intelligence does. And to acquire a healthy intelligence takes a certain amount of time and effort. ~ Haruki Murakami
I am quite certain that people who are interested in helping or researching family caregivers are compelled to do this because of personal heartache and experiences. As I continue to read about Rosalynn Carter, I learned that her dad died of leukemia when she was 13 years old. That forced her mom into the workforce and that left Rosalynn, as a child, to help raise her siblings. So at the ripe age of 13, she learned about the art of caregiving. After reading this today, I am NOT at all surprised that Mrs. Carter became a fierce advocate for family caregivers.
When I was in graduate school, I entered my program focused on the plight of the family caregiver. Why? Well just like Mrs. Carter, I had my own family story. My maternal grandmother had a massive stroke when I was in college. After being released from the hospital, she returned to our family home and my mom became her caregiver. She took on this role independently and then with the help of two caregivers. However, after about two years, my mom became very sick with sepsis, was rushed to the emergency room and spent two weeks in the ICU. In fact, while in college I called the hospital to get an update and my mom's nurse told me to come home because my mom was most likely dying. My grandmother's stroke was traumatic for our family, and I witnessed the ravages of this intense task on my mom. Though my mom pulled through sepsis, it took her over a year to recover, and when I came home between college sessions, I helped to care and nurse my mom back to health.
When I think about my life, it is very influenced by caring and helping others. Caregiving is just part of my DNA. I acknowledge it is hard and it can be selfless at times. When I was working on my dissertation, I conducted both a qualitative and qualitative study. Which meant not only did I assess over 100 caregivers, I also interviewed a hand full of them to get more in-depth data. I will never forget these interviews. Keep in mind that I was a new mother at the time. I had Mattie only months before, so I was sleep deprived and juggling the stresses of being a mom. I recall being so tired between interviews, that I would put my head down on a desk to rest. With that said, I was very present in the interviews and listening carefully to each person's story and journey. Some days I would leave the agency where the interviews took place and I would be so touched, moved, and in awe of the people I had just interviewed. They were stressed and pushed to the max and yet they were committed to give 110% of their time and love to the person they were caring for! Truly these people were inspiring and at the same time broke my heart.
Now almost 20 years later, I AM THESE PEOPLE! I am personally walking their journey with my own parents. Sometimes people ask me.... what advice did you give these caregivers? Which in essence means, what did you tell them, that could apply to my own situation?! But here's the thing. Because I came from a long line of family caregivers, even at the age of 32, I knew when interviewing these caregivers not to be prescriptive. Not to sugar coat the situation or look for a silver lining. There is great emotion that goes into the decision of caregiving and ultimately what caregivers need is to be heard. To have an outlet, and to be given the hope that things will eventually get better. Telling caregivers to take care of themselves is not a good idea! Why? Because we know this intuitively! Yet we also know that there are so many hours in the day, many tasks to perform, and the simple fact that others rely and need us. But naturally there has to be a happy medium and with the support of those closest to the caregiver, new opportunities and outlets do present themselves.
