Friday, May 1, 2026

Friday, May 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. This was not unusual for Mattie. He loved when I picked him up. He would give me big hugs, and especially loved pushing his cheeks into mine. Mattie and I were very much alike, we had similar temperaments, were loyal to a fault, and we just understood each other. 

Quote of the day: We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. ~ Chuck Swindoll

Several months ago, my parents and I started watching the Hallmark series, When Calls the Heart. The only thing I can equate it to is Little House on the Prairie. It is certainly different, but has the same wholesome, meaningful, and heart warming nature. We have been glued to this series. It starts out with a coal mining accident in which a majority of the town's men are killed. So it focuses on grief, the strength of women, and a community coming together to support each other. The cast of women on this show is quite powerful. One of the character's is named, Rosemary. Though not the star of the show, her stage presence, personality, and insights truly make her shine. 

The main character on the show is Elizabeth. A woman who grew up with significant means, but decided to leave that all behind and become a teacher in a pioneer town. Elizabeth marries the love of her life, Jack, who dies in a Mountie training mission. Elizabeth is left heart broken and pregnant. While grieving Elizabeth develops a close relationship with her neighbor, Rosemary. As Elizabeth struggles over a year after her husband died, she finds she has feelings for two men in town, Rosemary tells her..... People come into our lives, some for a reason, others for a season, and some for a lifetime. Jack was a season, and it was glorious. Now it's up to you to decide who might be here for a reason or perhaps even a lifetime. I am not sure why this particular line got me, but it did. In a way I think Rosemary was trying to give Elizabeth hope. 

Do I apply such a statement to myself? Well not quite. The difference between Elizabeth (a TV character) and myself is vast. But in a nutshell, the primary difference is Elizabeth's husband died. She did not get divorced after decades of a life together. I believe this matters greatly. In addition, Elizabeth is a young woman with a baby! Also a big difference. Age does matter. As we get older, it is a lot harder to let others into our lives, and given the nature of my divorce, I can't see myself ever, and I mean EVER, trusting another man again. To me, when I was married, I felt he was my season, reason, and my lifetime. 

In any case, in the midst of juggling so much stress, the one thing I look forward to at the end of the night is watching this show. While watching Hallmark, I escape from my reality to a happier, more peaceful, more honest, and simpler world. 

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Though Mattie had a special birthday cake for his party with friends, I always bought the three of us an ice cream cake to have as a family. It was my family tradition growing up and I passed that along to Mattie. If you look closely at his cake, you will see the chocolate ice cream layer was cut out! I gave Mattie my vanilla layer and he gave me his chocolate! We were the perfect match for each other! 

Quote of the day: The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway

This morning one of my dad's physical therapists came to work with him. My dad works with multiple therapists, but Tiffani seems to be the only one who can get my dad to walk. I don't mean a short walk. She gets him to walk up our block and back, which takes him about 25 minutes. I literally can't get my dad to walk 5 minutes, and neither can his other therapists. So it is very frustrating that Tiffani doesn't experience the same person as me! Walking is crucial for independence and I would love my dad to do a walking routine daily, but it is like pulling teeth. 

Meanwhile, while juggling caregiving, multiple bathroom accidents and messes, I continue to process along with the mortgage assumption process. Seriously I had no idea how difficult this process was going to be. After all, I am the owner of the house and I am one of the borrower's on the mortgage. I am only trying to remove the other borrower! How hard can that be?!!! For some crazy reason I thought that was going to be easy! FORGET IT! Every aspect of this is challenging and the financial hits just keep on coming, as this process is amazingly expensive. Divorce is a very costly process, and that doesn't account for the immeasurable emotional consequences. Which frankly there are no words in the English language to do justice to how I am feeling. 

Naturally I have a home owner's insurance policy! My name is on it and yet to remove the other name means that I need to cancel that policy and pay for an entirely new one. It is infuriating and while emailing back and forth the insurance agent today, I had to put down my phone. I was on overload and upset. I am upset because why buy this house to begin with, if the intention was to divorce me? I would have been happier in my apartment in Washington, DC without the numerous headaches I face on a daily basis! I can get so upset that I land up either talking to myself or screaming! 

My parents are unable to help me. They also are unable to process anything I am saying to them! Which means I am captaining this ship ALONE. Where I once could show and get help on significant paperwork from my dad or my other half, I now face the reality of figuring out everything for myself. It is daunting, stressful, and the anxiety each day becomes layered. One on top of the other, and the other, and the other. In fact, if I get upset or seem frazzled this makes my mom so upset that she starts shaking in fright. So clearly, as I go through this mortgage process, I have to shield my parents from the daily stresses this causes. As you can imagine, they are very upset and devastated by my divorce and the never ending cascade of consequences.  

Wednesday, April 29, 2026

Wednesday, April 29, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old. It was Easter and we took Mattie out to lunch at his favorite restaurant. I truly did not know they were going to have a life sized bunny! At first Mattie was scared when this big furry creature approached him, but once I explained that the bunny was friendly, Mattie was less anxious. Mattie posed with the Easter Bunny and even held his hand. Mattie was far braver than me. Because at Mattie's age, I would have dove under the table and I would have stayed there until the bunny moved away!

Quote of the day: Confidence, courage and determined spirit are vital for surviving hard times. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

This morning, I woke up at 6am. I was determined to get through to the IRS telephone system. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I wasn't giving up! Believe me, I can understand why someone would give up, because the automated phone system is a nightmare. It is NOT user friendly, you can go around in circles forever, and never get through to a live person. Instead, the system either disconnects you or directs you to their website. Which is useless if you have a specific problem!

I have been working with three different IRS telephone numbers. I gave up totally on the main number. I couldn't figure out how to break through the system to get a live person. Believe me I tried! I remember when I was a kid, my lifetime friend Karen and I played a video game that I no longer remember the name of.... Karen will, she's good like that. The point of the game was to figure out clues in order to collect items that could be used to get you out of whatever location the video person was trapped in. I can't tell you how we would work on different scenarios in order to find a way out! I felt like getting through to the IRS phone system requires similar skills. 

Turns out the only number that I found helpful, was the IRS help center. Once I called it, I refused to answer the automated questions and instead said to the system.... I need to schedule an appointment. That got me in around 7am. While waiting an hour on the phone in a cue, I eventually spoke to a person. I told her my issue and she put me in a cue to talk to the refund department. I waited in the cue for an hour and 30 minutes. You want to know what happened? I then got disconnected. I was livid. By that point, I had to get my dad up, showered and dressed. But then at 10am, I started the process again, using three different phones. Not every call goes through! If there are too many people calling or too many in cue, the system literally hangs up on you. Around 10:15am, I got in with one of the phones. I was literally in a cue for two hours! Finally someone answered the phone. I lucked out.... I got the A team, or as I told her.....the IRS angel! She laughed, and was flattered. 

After 4.5 hours on the phone today, I learned that this was an erroneous check which I need to send back. The IRS angel said to me.... your parents are so lucky to have such a bright and persistent daughter. I am sure the majority of people who get a check cash it. But I knew cashing a check would have ramifications on this year's taxes! I was correct! So I feel very happy that I can put this issue to bed. 

While trying to get through to the IRS today, I also got a call back from Fairfax County. I left a message yesterday to try to get down to the bottom of the closing fees my bank is quoting me for a mortgage assumption. Seriously what the bank quoted me to assume the mortgage (of which I am already on!) is enough to make one physically and emotionally sick! Today, I met a county angel, and I have her direct phone number. She assured me that the state and county fees won't apply to me because I am already on the mortgage. This is important for me to know and verify independent from the bank. So two big phone calls today, and though none of this may seem earth shattering..... it is to me. I am accomplishing tasks that I never thought I was capable of doing independently. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Tuesday, April 28, 2026 --  Mattie died 843 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old! I am so glad I snapped this photo, because it captures all the amazing set ups in our living room. Mattie loved to design all sorts of configurations with his train tracks and then of course run trains and cars along the lines! Of course no photo would be complete without his famous sippy cup of milk!

Quote of the day: Some days you will feel like the ocean. Some days you will feel like you are drowning in it. ~ Lora Mathis

I was making headway with my dad's pressure sores. But given his extensive incontinence, even with silicone foam wound dressings covering his sores, one sore opened back up today. I feel like I am on a constant treadmill, with things never stabilizing. In fact, it was a day in which I was constantly on the telephone.... dealing with mortgage questions, medical bills, insurance companies, and let's add the IRS. 

My parents received a check in the mail from the IRS. This is not something we were expecting. So naturally I was suspect. Their accountant can't explain it and naturally my head jumped to..... it has to be a fraudulent check. Any case, there is a website to validate IRS checks to make sure they actually come from the US treasury. So the check is legitimate, but then I had to call the IRS because my concern is if we cash it, what are the consequences on this year's taxes. 

Have you ever tried calling the IRS? If you haven't, GOOD FOR YOU! If you are like me and need to talk to a live person, my heart goes out to you! This is an agency that is very good at tracking what payers owe them, and holding them accountable, but good luck if you need answers and help from them. It is truly amazing, the amount of money taxpayers dole out each year, and one would hope with all this money, that the system would want to help the taxpayer! 

I spent over an hour using three phones, trying to get through to the IRS. It is an absolutely infuriating system, in which you are talking to an automated service that either hangs up on you or directs you to their website..... as if that is going to help, instead the website provides NO SPECIFIC support. General information, sure, but NOTHING that will help guide you through your own problem and issue! 

I then found an IRS help center near my home. The information on-line says to call the help center number to request an appointment. That's even funnier than calling the main IRS phone number. What happened when I did this.... I got a recording that said: "Your call can't be completed at this time. Call again later." I did this repeatedly!

So I can't get through the main line, I can't get through to the help center, the portal is no help, so tomorrow I am showing up at the physical help center to see if I can make an appointment. I waste more time on trying to solve problems during the day and the pressure is just overwhelming. 

Meanwhile, each day, I field mortgage questions. Recap, I have to legally assume my mortgage and remove my other half from the mortgage. Today's question was hysterical. The lender wants to know how I am actually managing and living without money coming into me directly through work, government support or alimony. An excellent question! Any case, I am so sick of being judged for not having an income that I snapped today. I literally said to him.... "I am sure you think I sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day. But I assure you, I am working around the clock caring for my parents and helping children with cancer. In fact, I have been helping children with cancer for 17 years now, and haven't asked for a $1 for my work."  If you read last night's blog, then you know my mortgage fellow's name is Jesus. He is lovely and he listened to me today and is truly trying to help me with this daunting process. I have worked for the Foundation for free all these years, because I was married, and it gave me the opportunity to devote my time and attention to building something that honors Mattie's memory and helps other children in the process. If I knew I was going to get divorced 17 years ago, would I have made other decisions so that I had financial stability? Probably! But despite the fact that in society's eyes I am deemed not successful, success to me is measured not by the dollars earned but by the impact you make on others' lives. 

Monday, April 27, 2026

Monday, April 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003. Mattie was one! I loved this photo so much that I printed it out and it was framed and attached to our refrigerator in Washington, DC. As Mattie grew and then was able to walk independently, he LOVED looking at this photo! He was amazed that he was so small then and had to hold onto furniture to stand up! To me this photo was priceless and as Mattie continued to grow, I would snap photos by this coffee table, so he could see his progress!!!

Quote of the day: Strong people don't put others down... They lift them up. ~ Michael P. Watson

If I had to list ALL that I have had to learn since I got separated, you may not believe it! I went from a woman who wasn't responsible or knowledgeable about finances or managing things in the household, to a person who does it all. I don't claim to be brilliant, but I most definitely am defined by persistence, commitment, and perseverance. If I did not have these characteristics, there is no way I could have written a dissertation and have obtained a PhD. 

Last week, I began the painful process of learning how to take over my mortgage for the house. For the last year and a half, I left my other half on the mortgage because I truly was OVERWHELMED financially, emotionally, and physically. NOT that I am in any better shape now, but legally I have to remove him from my mortgage. So who is going to help me? I have learned the answer to this question since 2023 has been.... me, myself, and I! The only one responsible for me, my future, and destiny is me. I can't consult with my parents (as they are not cognitively able to help me) and certainly I no longer have my other half, who I relied on for everything. 

So I therefore contacted my lending company. When I spoke to the agent last week, and you will love this, his name is Jesus (fitting no?--- as I need lots of miracles), he gave me several assignments over the weekend to pull documents and information together. I then made the decision to continue working with Jesus and arranged for a call today to start the application process. Why hadn't I done this process before now? After all, I have been divorced since October 31, 2024. The simple answer is I just couldn't mentally take this on. But the second and very important reason is the cost. Even though I am assuming the mortgage of my own home (of which I have always been on the mortgage), the state and county closing fees are insane. I am not exaggerating, when I say insane, I mean INSANE! In addition, the lender requires me to pay the closing costs in full at the time of closing. Any one who thinks there are any benefits to divorce, should speak to me! There are NONE (keep in mind I am speaking for myself, I can imagine there are MANY valid reasons for people getting a divorce). 

Besides divorce being an emotional nightmare wrapped into a self identity catastrophe, there is also a big financial toll. Starting with legal fees and the list goes on. I literally feel like I have had to face just about everything in this process, in that I could now advise other women. But at the end of the day, what gets me the most is that my beautiful marriage has ended in ridiculously expensive transactions. Any case, Jesus was a blessing today. We were on the phone together for two hours and he walked me through the 90 day process. All I can say is GOD HELP ME over these next couple of months!   

Sunday, April 26, 2026

Sunday, April 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day we took him to the National Zoo! As you can see, this was not a posed photo, but a tender moment that was naturally captured between Mattie and me. Mattie loved going to the zoo, as he enjoyed being outside and was intrigued by the animals. He was my little explorer and loved adventure.

Quote of the day: Hard times arouse an instinctive desire for authenticity. ~ Coco Chanel

If you have been following along, then you know I have had issues with my pool since last summer. Part of it needed to be completely resurfaced and I finally tackled that this month. However, I have been dealing with water level drops in the pool for the past two weeks. This morning, just like every morning, I went outside to measure water levels. This is day two, where the water level has remained stable. I am hoping this is a trend and that I have now solved and corrected the problem! 

After doing my morning chores with my dad, I went upstairs and vacuumed and cleaned bathrooms. After which, I took my parents out for lunch. We have been going to the same restaurant every Sunday since my parents moved here in 2021. So much so, that I know all the managers and many of the servers. Though we got to the restaurant at 2pm today, we did not leave until 5:30pm. For some reason, managers and servers wanted to chat with me. One by one, each came over to me to chat. I heard about trips, struggles, the purchasing of a new house, financial struggles, relationship issues, and so forth. In essence the many ups and down that all of us face. 

When it was time to leave the restaurant, I paused and reflected..... this is me. My other half, used to call me a people magnet! Today's visits is not usual for me. I have a long history of making connections with people and frankly I do not care who you are, what you do, what your educational level is, where you live, and so forth..... if you are part of my life in some way, then you are important to me, and I want to get to know you. 

I love Coco Chanel's quote, because I think being authentic is crucial. Not just in hard times, but always. I believe honesty, integrity, and acting consistently are defining characteristics of mine, and ironically regardless of what I have endured and survived, these characteristics remain.  

Saturday, April 25, 2026

Saturday, April 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was five years old and he was posing for a photo outside his bedroom door. You will notice the name Mattie on the door, with the symbol of a magnet next to it. This was the symbol assigned to Mattie during his second year in preschool. The first year, his symbol was the moon. Though Mattie had two different symbols, the first symbol stayed with him, and of course after Mattie died, Mattie Moon became even more symbolic. Even now, I look up to the moon to connect with him. 

Mattie made that life sized tracing of himself in preschool. He loved it, so we taped it to his bedroom door. In addition, a preschool friend gave Mattie this superman outfit as a birthday gift. Mattie wore it all the time! Mattie was proud of all of his creations and I tried to display them periodically, which made Mattie happy! I am so glad I saved most of his art work, because I was able to cut pieces of them to form collages, which are on display in my office! 

Quote of the day: Enthusiasm is common. Endurance is rare. ~ Angela Duckworth

This morning I woke up disoriented. Why? Because I had a very vivid dream, you know the kind that when you wake up, you ask yourself.... did this just happen? In my dream, life was how I used to be. I was married and we were working as a unified team to tackle all the issues inside and outside of the house. Of course after waking up, I had to face my reality, yet again. It is very clear that grief and trauma alter the brain, often causing a focus on memories that feel safer or more familiar than the current, painful reality. I have been divorced since October 31, 2024, and I can't say I accept this reality anymore now than I did two years ago. Mainly because I have had decades of experiencing the world in a completely different way, and my brain can't compute that someone who loved me deeply, loves me no more. 

However, as is typical with me, I couldn't sit in this confusion for long because Indie wanted to be fed and I had to start the morning routine as my dad's physical therapist was coming over this morning. After feeding Indie, I immediately went outside to the backyard (yes pajamas and all) to look at the water level in the pool. This sighting was today's first miracle.... the water level held steady over night. When I tell you that I accept all miracles, no matter how small, I mean it!

Later on today, I took my parents out for lunch. While at the diner, they had 80s music playing. Several songs came on, and they immediately transported me right back to my college days. In college, I was fortunate enough to connect with amazing, level headed, and bright women, who shared many of the same core values as me. In college, there were two fraternities that we occasionally visited! Why only those two? Because we liked their music and dancing. My network of friends wasn't interested in drinking or hooking up with men. What we were interested in however was spending time together and enjoying the energy and music of these events. We had our strategies about sticking together, never getting separated, and most definitely NEVER drinking anything handed to us. Our joke was we would take what was offered to us, and then we would migrate around the place, tossing out what was in the cup! I can recall during some parties even dancing on the windowsills, because there was no room on the floor! These were incredibly fun and happy times, where it seemed like the whole world was ahead of me or us. I say us, because it was at college that I met my other half. 

Today I received an email from a close friend. Within her email, she said something that triggered the question in my mind..... what does Vicki like to do? Sounds like an easy question! But for me, it is no longer easy. If I have to think about what I like to do, my brain jumps back to my life as a married woman. Sure I exist independent of anyone else, but to me, my life was greater, richer, and more meaningful when I was married. So asking me if I had a moment to myself, what would I like to do now? The answer is.... I have NO IDEA! Nothing interests me like it once did, instead the world is much grayer than it has ever been. 

Friday, April 24, 2026

Friday, April 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old. As you can see we were outside on our deck. I can't tell you how much time we spent out there in ALL seasons. I look back at this photo and see a much happier and energized woman. A mom who thought I would have a lifetime to watch Mattie develop and evolve into a man. 

Quote of the day: I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong… I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. ~ Audrey Hepburn

I am a big Audrey Hepburn fan. She was a survivor, humanitarian, and an incredibly talented actress. I too would like to believe that there are miracles out there. Maybe they aren't big things, but instead the small and meaningful miracles that occur all around us each day. In some small way, maybe they could be the kind and loving people in our lives, or a clear scan in a medical test, or even perhaps a house repair that you thought was going to be astronomical, turns out to be manageable. I don't know but given how low I was last night, there are times I cling to the notion of miracles and signs of hope.

Today was another blur. My dad's nurse came over to assess his pressure sores. Apparently I get an A, as my bandaging and wound care are working. I then dropped my dad off at his memory care center and proceeded on to do countless chores, including grocery shopping. While at the store, I needed to reach over to the display area to get tomatoes. However, a woman's shopping cart was in my way, and she was no where to be found. So I literally moved the back end of the cart about an inch, so I could reach for the tomatoes. Out of no where, she showed up, and proceeded to shake her head and call me a b*tch. In the mood I was in, I literally could have screamed my head off, but I did not. I remained calm, told her I was sorry that I had to move her cart an inch and then walked away. Do you know moments later from across the produce area, she smiled and waved at me? SERIOUSLY I can't make this stuff up!

While driving home from the grocery store, Verizon called me. Recap, I have been locked out of my portal and couldn't access my account. I have been trying to correct this problem all week. The woman on the other end of the line wanted to walk me through how to correct the problem, but I was driving. So she said I had two options. The first was she could send me the instructions on how to re-register or she could call me back. I elected for a call back, because something told me the problem was much harder to correct than the simple instructions that would be emailed to me. THANK GOODNESS I elected for option two. She and I were on the phone for thirty minutes, and thanks to her accessing the camera on my phone, she was able to see exactly what I was seeing while trying to sign in! Any case, we worked it out together and I was grateful for the support. Today's miracle!

During the afternoon, in my news feed came this article: Psychology says the most resilient people aren’t the ones who bounce back fast or stay positive through everything, they’re the ones who let themselves fall apart quietly on a Tuesday evening and still show up Wednesday morning without making anyone else carry it. This article resonated with me. It was almost like I was supposed to read this today, because I agree, resilience isn't about keeping quiet, bottling up emotions, and remaining stoic. Instead, it is about giving voice to feelings and thoughts, and normalizing them, especially for those of us going through grief, crises, and trauma. I think the fact that I haven't curled up in a ball or jumped off the roof, is a sign of resilience. Resilience is about acknowledging, processing, reflecting and SHOWING UP! Again, I am so grateful for Mattie's blog, those of you who read my words, and for your compassion for understanding what I am facing. The blog illustrates the days when I am falling apart. You can probably tell in my writings or lack there of, after all, I don't have the time or freedom to have a pity party or a meltdown. I need an outlet somewhere and the blog is it!

Meanwhile, when I got home later this afternoon, I had house chores to do such as flushing out the sump pump. While dealing with that, I looked at the water level in the pool. Don't you know it, it went down almost three inches. I immediately contacted the pool company and I had two people working on the pool for two hours. I will be tracking the water level all weekend long, but I swear I need a miracle. I truly can't handle one more problem, I have reached my boiling point. 

Thursday, April 23, 2026

Thursday, April 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. Mattie was five years old. This was a typical day in our home! Mattie absolutely loved to create things from items found around the house. A top building material for him was cardboard boxes! As you can see Mattie put together a box and paper towel rolls and created a jet back! He was ready to take off! Honestly the creatively and energy of Mattie will never be forgotten. 

Quote of the day: Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

It is 8:30pm, and I am still working. I am juggling Foundation issues, house issues, caregiving issues, and the list goes on. At one point tonight I came to the conclusion that if this is as good as life gets, I am not quite sure it is worth living. Which is why I am not writing much tonight. My hope is tomorrow will be a better day. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2026

Wednesday, April 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old and it was Easter! That day we took him out for lunch at his favorite restaurant. As you can see Mattie was eating one of his favorite things.... a French fry. When I look at this photo, I see a completely different Vicki. A happier, less stressed out, and naive woman. A woman who had no concept of childhood cancer or the personal cruelty of divorce.

Quote of the day: It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack. ~ Germany Kent

Today I had a phone call with someone who designs computer apps that enable the user to take short breaks to manage stress, balance mood, and perhaps enhance self confidence. These apps are all the rage now, aren't they? There seems to be an app for just about everything and anything. In this particular case there is a lot of data about how such an app can help improve employee well-being and productivity. But how does such an app apply to a cancer patient and the patient's family? The answer is.... I don't know! As the app is not currently used in this fashion but in time it certainly will be applied to this vulnerable population. 

If you ask me how I feel about this, you may get multiple reactions. I could put my mental health provider hat on, I could put my Foundation leader hat on, or I could give you my perspective as a mom who helped Mattie each and every day through his cancer journey. In this particular case, I am going with my mom hat!

Mattie's cancer journey was horrific. Each day, I was facing countless stressors. Not just everyday issues, but I was making life and death decisions. Sometimes hourly! In addition, I was balancing a scared child who had to live in an intensive care unit 24/7, practically for a year. That alone is a stressor which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So if you ask me during my many countless moments of stress, whether I would turn to an app to regulate my mood or to de-stress.... the answer is absolutely NOT. We all know ourselves best, and if I am stressed out the last thing I want to do is sit still and look at a screen. 

I have found for myself, the best ways to manage my stress is being outside.... fresh air, nature, surrounded by greenery and most importantly MOVING.... walking. If you asked me to be in a room and have a passive experience before my eyes, forget it, it would only add to my stress level. I also think when dealing with repeated medical trauma, thinking that an app can help alleviate these issues is naive. 

Now that said, when Mattie was in the throes of treatment, I was glued to my phone. Not because I was tuned into an app, but it connected me with PEOPLE. PEOPLE I KNEW and TRUSTED! My phone became my life line. It gave me a place to be heard, understand, and to express myself. But the key to me is not the phone itself, it is the people. No app, no computer, no passive aid can possibly replace human connections, bonds, and perspectives. We are living in an overwhelmingly technology driven society that scares me, because things and objects are becoming more important than people. Sure apps maybe convenient, they may seem private, and they are quick, but at the end of the day.... when we are truly at our wit's end what do we do? We turn to people!!! Objects and things can never solve our problems in the long run. We are social beings and it saddens me that when discussing families facing the worse possible thing in life, a child diagnosed with cancer, that we could possibly think that any app could provide us a moment of peace is beyond me.