Sunday, February 15, 2026

Sunday, February 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. It was Valentine's Day! All the things in front of us were things that Mattie created for me. I literally received a box of handmade surprises and Mattie was so proud of his accomplishments. I was deeply touched by his efforts. Mattie and his art therapists worked on these things for at least two hours and while they were working I was not allowed in the child life playroom. I can't tell you what a blessing this playroom was for us because it was in this room Mattie could be a kid, not a kid with cancer. NO TREATMENTS, PROCEDURES, or medicines were allowed in this room, so in essence it was like a safe space that provided a bit of normality. 

Quote of the day: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~ Viktor Frankl

I was so tired last night that I fell asleep with the TV on all night and I was in the same position that I went to bed in.... which was propped upright. The only reason I opened my eyes at 7am, was because Indie was throwing her entire body against my bedroom door. She wanted IN and she wanted breakfast. It was actually fortune that I got up early because I quickly could see that I wasn't feeling well. I have been struggling with a sinus infection for three weeks now. I finished my course of antibiotics on Friday, and on Saturday I started right back to feeling congested, with intense head pain, a horrific sore throat, a post nasal drip that is so bad I feel like I am drowning from the inside out, and today's new addition was terrible ear and tooth pain. 

After contending with Indie, I called my doctor's office and left a message. The on call doctor called me back within thirty minutes. She did not want to prescribe me anymore antibiotics, and instead insisted that I be evaluated by a medical provider. Of course my doctor's office is closed until Tuesday. So she recommended that I go to an urgent care that is connected with my doctor's office. Which was a good idea, because this enabled the urgent care to have access to all of my medical records. I debated what to do, meaning do I address this today or wait? I made the executive decision that I had to take care of myself first today. So I booked an appointment at noon, which gave me time to get my dad showered, dressed, downstairs for breakfast, and then I could have him rest in his recliner until I returned. Understand that I take my parents out to brunch every Sunday, so I had a window of 90 minutes to get evaluated and figure out next steps. 

I found my way to the urgent care and got checked in. There had to be some sort of medical emergency going on there, because I waited for over 45 minutes to see the physician's assistant. Shane was absolutely lovely! He said my throat looked like a raging river of fluid! Thankfully I do not have an ear infection, but instead have sinusitis, which explains the intense pain and blocked Eustachian tubes. I am back on decongestants, steroid sprays, and Advil around the clock. At this point I don't know what feels more debilitating..... the congestion or the pain from the congestion.  

The timing worked out as I came home and took my parents out for brunch. It was a rainy damp day and typically I don't like the rain, but I was thrilled it washed away all the salt and debris on my car. When I got home, I literally toweled off the car, vacuumed inside and removed all the salt debris from the snow storm off the inside and outside of my car. Why was I compelled to do this? Well besides being consumed by cleanliness, my mom told me yesterday that the car was a mess. My response to her yesterday was..... there is only one of me and countless tasks I juggle in any given day. Somehow I view today's rain as a gift from God, because cleaning off a car after it has been rained on is so much easier. 

Saturday, February 14, 2026

Saturday, February 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I will never forget this moment in time. That day, Mattie and his art therapists gathering in the child life playroom together. I wasn't allowed inside, because Mattie was working on a project. Little did I know that the project was a box filled with Valentine's for me, along with this wonderful crown of hearts. When I was invited inside the room, Mattie presented me with all this creations and Jenny (Mattie's art therapist) snapped this photo of us together. This happens to be one of my favorite photos of us together, because it captures exactly what Mattie used to do with me.... touch noses, he would look deeply into my eyes and then flutter his eye lashes.... for butterfly kisses! This seemed like the perfect photo to display on Valentine's Day. A remind of my true love. 

Mattie's box filled with Valentine's Creations! 

When we moved into this house in 2021, I took the above box and all its contents and cut them to create this shadow box. This box is on display in my office and it is a reminder of Valentine's 2009. A day I will NEVER forget. 

Quote of the day: In college, I had a course in Latin, and one day the word 'divorce' came up. I always figured it came from some root that meant 'divide.' In truth, it comes from 'divertere,' which means 'to divert.' I believe that. All divorce does is divert you. ~ Mitch Albom

A box arrived at my door and when I opened it, I found this lovely travel cup which reads... 

Difference Maker

A dedicated individual who can make a big impact even with just a small action or few words. Someone who makes a difference in the lives of others. 

A beautiful gift on what I deem a hard day. I think I will always view Valentine's Day as a day of sadness, as it reminds me of the dissolution of my marriage. A commitment that I thought was "always and forever" (ironically this is engraved on my wedding band.... which I still wear). 

I took my parents out for lunch today and the restaurant was filled with families, couples, and women celebrating their friendships. As I watched couples taking photos of each other together, it was like seeing my life flashing before my eyes. After all, I looked just like these couples at one time.... yet here I am, alone. These moments always make me pause, because like so many women, I was married and a had a child. However, unlike many women, my child died from cancer and my marriage ended. Neither did I choose, instead I am faced with a constant feeling of the loss of control, a constant downward spiral of grief and loss, and most of all a reminder of how different I am. 

But even with all of these many tailspins, I can also appreciate a day in which I am healthy, in which my parents are stable, in which I can pay a bill and not worry how I will make ends meet this month, and I can celebrate the fact that I have the wherewithal, skills, and abilities to manage my parents care and be able to take them out for Valentine's day. I have learned through countless bouts of trauma and loss that life is about acknowledging the small things, as it is the small things that actually matter. 

To my faithful blog readers, please know you are loved and appreciated. I thank you for always checking in.... you are a special Valentine's gift to me. 

Friday, February 13, 2026

Friday, February 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. It was five months before Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. That weekend we took him to Roosevelt Island. A place we loved to explore on weekends, regardless of the season. I always packed leftover bread for Mattie to feed the ducks! An activity he loved, and I loved watching him interact with nature. These are memories I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not. ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

This morning, I was upstairs and about to get my dad out of bed, when I heard the doorbell ring. I stopped the process and went downstairs. I could see something wrapped in cellophane outside the door. I opened the door and waved and thanked the courier. 

My friend Carolyn surprised me with these goodies. One of the things she mentioned in her note to me was her acknowledgment of my "steady way" that I "show up." This meant a lot to me because given all I am juggling, it is sometimes hard to be the kind of friend I typically used to be. Honestly some days it is hard to remember the person I was prior to being weighed down by grief, trauma, divorce, and caregiving. 

My dad's nurse visited today and discharged him from her services, as all his pressure sores are now healed. That alone is another full time job. Though I haven't mentioned it.... my dad's hiccups are back! They started up again this week. Truly my mom and I may absolutely lose it. 

After dropping my dad off at his memory care program, I went grocery shopping. Seriously I walked in the door and was faced with balloons, flowers, and chocolate covered strawberries. I remember this from last year, so you would think I would have prepared myself for this sight today! NOPE, I completely blocked it out, until I walked in the door. What does every balloon and flower say to me...... you are divorced. After a 35 year relationship, you are alone, and frankly it is a reminder that the best years of my life are gone.

This afternoon, I received a phone call from my parents' doctor. He wanted to talk to me about my dad's blood test results. I saw all the results in the portal yesterday, so nothing he was telling me was all that surprising. Other than my dad's white blood cell count continues to remain high. The doctor seemed to think that this count was lower last year, but to my knowledge it has been high since his bout with kidney stones in 2024 (mind you he still has several kidney stones now). The doctor got me so worked up suggesting that my dad may have some sort of cancer, that I literally went back into the portal to pull up data and I sent it to the doctor. Though the doctor says that my dad's white blood cell count is too high for it to be explained by his kidney stones, I don't buy that! NOT ONE BIT. Either case, at 90 years old, we are not putting my dad through further testing, and though his sugar levels seems out of control, along with his cholesterol levels, we aren't introducing more medications to these problems. As every new medication has a way of causing ten other problems. 

While my mom was hearing this conversation, she later said to me that medicine is great at prolonging life, but not the quality of life. I stopped her, because from my dad's perspective, his quality of life is actually good. Here is a 90 year old who leaves the house daily, he is involved in activities, does physical therapy, goes out to eat, is surrounded by family, and is still mobile. Naturally, I have to acknowledge that the only reason his quality of life is so high is because of me. This is not an attagirl to Vicki, but the reality, as without my presence my dad would most definitely be in a nursing home, and would have no quality of life.

Thursday, February 12, 2026

Thursday, February 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. How could this be 20 years ago??? Back then anything seemed possible! What I love about this photo was the sheer joy and happiness on Mattie's face. I did not ask him to pose this way, it was how he felt at that time. We were together, playing, and building with Legos! Truly it didn't get better than that, and sadly as a parent of a preschooler, you don't always register how special these moment are, nor do you have the clarity and appreciation that having a healthy child is the greatest gift in life. Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death, gave me clarity for a lifetime. 

Quote of the day: To all the mothers out there who feel overlooked, overworked, unappreciated and under-honored…At some point, every mother has felt this way. Because, given everything that mothers do — and often with no one around — it would actually be impossible to truly honor them in a way that measures up to what they give. So even though you may not get anywhere near the outward acknowledgment you deserve…please don’t underestimate the positive impact you have on those you love. ~ James Van Der Beek

My parents had their annual physicals today at 11am. Thankfully I had the wherewithal to put Mattie's wheelchair in the trunk. I frankly did not think my dad could walk from the parking lot of the hospital to the doctor's office. I was correct! But what I wasn't expecting was the fact that the doctor would be unable to take blood from my dad, and therefore that meant we had to go to the hospital outpatient lab for a blood draw. My dad has rolling veins, which really means that it takes a well trained individual to start an IV or do a blood draw on him. Rather problematic in an emergency! For an abled bodied person, jumping from one building on the hospital campus to another would be NO BIG DEAL. But for my dad, forget it, it is equivalent to running a marathon. I would never have been able to get him to the outpatient lab without the wheelchair. 

Whenever I use Mattie's wheelchair, I naturally remember all our times together using that chair. It is surreal that now 17 years later, I am using Mattie's chair for my dad. As odd as this may sound, I view this as a sign that Mattie is looking out for me! My mom gets nervous with any sort of needle, but the outpatient lab at the hospital is fantastic. Every phlebotomist there is excellent, very kind, and they brought us to one room, so that I could assist both of my parents. 

When I evaluate the love, attention, and time that I devote to my parents, it makes me pause. You may think that I am only this focused and devoted with my parents! But the answer is NO (if in doubt, read the blog from 2008-2009, when I cared for Mattie)! If I love you, feel close to you, and I am committed to you..... then this is who I am! There is nothing I wouldn't do for you, even if it means compromising myself. I remember one of my friends from Mattie's preschool, used to say.... when I think of Dear Vicki, I just go ahhhh ahhhh.... her kindness, devotion, and love define her. I will never forget this beautiful comment. I mention this because when you get divorced, it is natural to have self doubts, or blame yourself for the divorce. However, that feeling doesn't last long with me, because I am still in touch with reality and have a solid understanding for who I am and what defines me.  

Changing the subject, I was listening to the radio this morning and the commentator was talking about the death of James Van Der Beek. I have to admit I did not know who he was other than an actor. What caught my attention was one of his quotes that he shared with his family and friends. Keep in mind that he died of colorectal cancer, and frankly I can't think of anything that levels the playing field other than cancer. Cancer has a way of providing instant clarity to the meaning, purpose, and priorities in life. Here is what he said that stopped me in my tracks.....

“…I had to look my own mortality in the eye [and] I was faced with the question, ‘If I am just a too-skinny, weak guy alone in an apartment with cancer, what am I?’ And I meditated and the answer came through: I am worthy of God’s love simply because I exist. And if I’m worthy of God’s love, shouldn’t I also be worthy of my own? And the same is true for you.” ~ March 8, 2025

I think what is so poignant about this quote is we all ask ourselves at some point.... what am I? Why am I here? As I read this quote, I put myself in his shoes and can feel his desperation, his isolation, and his fear. After all, he was away from his family getting treatment, he was unable to work and support his family, and in a way he was feeling like he was letting his kids and wife down. When feeling these depths of despair, it is hard to pull one's self up, and yet he found himself turning to a higher power.... God's love.... and this provided him hope to hold on to and to understand (what I say are the four most powerful words in the English language)..... YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Wednesday, February 11, 2026

Wednesday, February 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we took him to the Children's Museum in Washington, DC. It was our first and last trip to that Museum. That said, we made the best out of the trip, as there were many hands on activities that Mattie loved.... a big sand box, and vehicles for him to climb up and into, such as a fire truck, and even a motorcycle. Life with Mattie was never boring and seeing the world through his eyes made life worth living. 

Quote of the day: Stab the body and it heals, but injure the heart and the wound lasts a lifetime. ~ Mineko Iwasaki

This morning, after getting my dad off to his memory care center, and I situated my mom in the kitchen to have her breakfast, I hopped on a weekly conference call. I have the good fortune to be mentoring Mattie's best preschool buddy, Zachary, on his non-profit college project. Zachary and I are working on story boards for the Foundation, but after chatting about this we then talked about the Foundation and how psychosocial care and support became the focal point of Mattie Miracle's mission. Actually Zachary asked very poignant questions and honestly as I responded to his questions, all I could say to myself was.... WOW...... in 17 years, we have accomplished a lot! A lot on a shoe string budget! 

One of the questions Zachary asked me was whether I had non-profit experience prior to starting Mattie Miracle?! Here's the funny part to all of this..... it is sometimes hard for me to think about my life prior to Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death. Why? I think because it is almost like there is a pre-cancer Vicki and a post-cancer Vicki. The pre-cancer Vicki seems like a completely different person! I had such high hopes for Mattie, I had big plans for my life, career, and our family! These plans came to a crashing halt on cancer diagnosis day. So when Zachary asked me this question, I literally had to pause! I had to think..... what was my life like, and what did my professional experiences entail? 

Short answer is YES I had a ton of non-profit experience before Mattie got cancer. Did you know that I was the:

• President and then Executive Director of the DC Mental Health Counselors Association
• President of the DC Counseling Association
• Advocacy Committee Chair of the American Counseling Association
• Awards Committee Chair of the American Mental Health Counselors Association
• President of the American Mental Health Counselors Association (a professional organization of over 6,000 members)

There are many commonalities in non-profit board work, no matter how big or small the non-profit. Since board work is typically unpaid, you will find across the board that the work is typically performed by one or two dedicated people. This isn't a commentary on the cause, it isn't a commentary on the people, it is just a natural commentary on human nature! Knowing this prepared me well for Mattie Miracle, after all I know that NO ONE is going to be as passionate about the Foundation as Mattie's own mom!!!!

But when I listed our accomplishments to Zachary, it left both of us amazed. Naturally for Zachary, I explained them in more detail, but here's the summary (and there is much more that I am not listing)....

1. We have funded a child life professional since 2011. In fact, we have funded 7 different positions. This person assists 1,500 children with cancer a year. To date, we have contributed over $400,000 to this child life fund. 
2. We run five Snack and Item Carts. These Carts offer free snacks, drinks, and toiletries to families caring for children with cancer. Our Carts serve 2,500 families a year.
3. We offer M&M Wishes to children with cancer. Wishes provide funding for an item, activity or family trip. To date, we have funded over $71,000 worth of Wishes to children in 24 States. 
4. We award therapy support grants to children with cancer, so they can access mental health services in the community. To date we have awarded over $22,000 in therapy support to children in 13 States.
5. We had the vision to create national Psychosocial Standards of Care, because unlike medical care, there was no standard for emotional and social support in hospitals for children with cancer. It was very hospital dependent.... some provide more support than others, mainly because of private philanthropy. We assembled top psychosocial leaders in the field and after three years, paid for the publication of evidence based Standards in a top tier medical journal. 
6. The Standards have been endorsed by 19 national professional organizations and are being implemented in treatment sites around the country. In many cases, we have helped to justify the hiring of more psychologists at hospitals, who need these professionals to help implement the Standards of care. So in essence we have changed the landscape of comprehensive cancer care. Prior to our advocacy work on Capitol Hill, NO ONE was taking about psychosocial care for children with cancer. We changed that!
7. To date, we have awarded over $200,000 in innovative research grants. Grants designed to implement the Standards of Care. Each of these grants have produced publishable research, in which Mattie Miracle was noted as the funder. In some cases, our grants helped researchers obtain pilot data in order to apply for larger NIH grants. Without our grants, such pilot data would not be obtainable!

Look what surprised me at my doorstep today! Cheesecake and chocolates! How can you not smile seeing these goodies. My friend Cheryl, who is connected to me through my former marriage, sent these treats to us. Though we have never physically met one another, she is one of the people who has been a constant source of support throughout my grief journey with Mattie and especially during the last two years of my divorce. On days I wanted to throw myself out of the window, Cheryl would say something that enabled me to pause and take a deep breath. There are no words for that kind of support. As I always say.... you learn about the strength, passion, and commitment of a person when you are in a crisis. 

This is my third Valentine's Day that is approaching in which I am alone. I wish I could say each year, it gets easier. It doesn't! Perhaps it would have been easier, if I was a different kind of person. A person who didn't love, trust, commit, and care deeply. All I can say is my life has been profoundly altered yet again, and just like there is a pre-cancer Vicki, a post-cancer Vicki, there is now a third Vicki..... a divorced and shattered Vicki. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2026

Tuesday, February 10, 2026 -- Mattie died 832 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old. That afternoon, we were working on creating homemade Valentine's cards for all of his preschool classmates and teachers. Could I have bought Valentine's..... sure! But since Mattie loved to create, like me, I decided that we should try to make them together. Mattie got into it and we enjoyed the process together. Did I ever do this before? NOPE! There were many firsts I did with Mattie. In a way it was like having a second childhood, filled with fun, adventures, and certainly there were challenges, but there was a whole lot of love. 

The final products!

Quote of the day: Love is not maximum emotion. Love is maximum commitment. ~ Sinclair Ferguson

I am on day four of antibiotics. I was doing quite well, but today, I don't feel right. I am back to being congested and exhausted. Of course, I had to put that feeling on the shelf, because my dad had a cardiology appointment at 11am. That time may sound like a doable hour, but I can't tell you all that I have to do to get out of the house by 10:30am, to get this 11am appointment. Seriously by that time, I felt like I went ten rounds. 

I am so fortunate that the cardiology office wants to actively follow my dad. In fact, on Saturday, I pushed them data from my dad's pacemaker, because we were concerned by his elevated heart rate. While he was participating in his physical therapy session on Saturday, he was gasping for air, breathing very hard, and we literally stopped the session and then monitored him for thirty minutes. His heart rate spanned 61 beats per minute to 134 beats per minute in a short time period! The therapist was very concerned by what she was seeing and it was at that point that I used the pacemaker app on my phone and pushed data in real time to the clinic! 

Today's visit reviewed that data, my dad got an EKG, and we discussed various issues he is facing. I saw this nurse six weeks ago. From the last time she saw us, my dad was hospitalized again. This time for norovirus. In six weeks, my dad has lost 9 pounds and the nurse believes between being dehydrated from the norovirus and being inactive in the hospital, this could explain his high heart rate with any activity. She changed up his medications and will be seeing us in two weeks. 

While sitting and talking to Lanna, the nurse, I could feel myself fighting back tears. Not for any particular reason other than sheer exhaustion, being overwhelmed, managing the impossible alone, and knowing that I face a future alone, without my other half. Something I will never accept and come to terms with. Lanna has no idea about the tragedy that is my life, she is only aware of the patient in front of her whom I care for and manage. However, for her, that is more than enough.... as she is very aware of the multiple hospitalizations and the round of clock care I provide my dad, NOT to mention my mom as well. 

Honestly other than this appointment, and taking my parents out today for frozen yogurt, I couldn't manage much else. I am tired, strung out, and when I allow the window to open (which I rarely allow) into the bleak trajectory of my future, I  become paralyzed with emotion. Which is where I am at today. 

Monday, February 9, 2026

Monday, February 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. I snapped this photo because Mattie was jumping on the couch like a trampoline. When I was his age.... I LOVED doing this too. Except I remember my grandmother and mom telling me to stop, as they were afraid I would literally break the bed and furniture. Since I knew how much I loved doing this, I did not stop Mattie. My concerns however was always his safety. So I did my best to make sure Mattie wasn't going to fall. I watched Mattie like a hawk, and yet there was NOT ENOUGH HOVERING and SWOOPING I could do to prevent him from being diagnosed with childhood cancer. 

Quote of the day: All human wisdom is contained in these two words - Wait and Hope. ~ Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

Last night, after I got my parents into bed, I went to my room, Indie of course was in tow, and together we watched the Hallmark Movie, The Way to You. The premise of the movie is................After a subway blackout in New York City, Emma and Conrad connect and decide to help one another find the people they missed connections with, only to discover their own connection may be stronger.

It was a charming movie and within the movie, one of the characters loved the book, The Count of Monte Cristo. The other character had never read it, so she decided to read it and the famous quote from the book was shared with the audience. It is the quote I posted tonight. Two powerful words.... wait and hope. Without understanding the context in which Alexandre Dumas wrote this famous line, you maybe left to your own interpretation as to why these two words are so meaningful. Certainly in any context we find ourselves..... don't we want to wait and hope!? It is like two bookends to any problem! When there are no easy answers, when we are at our wit's end and unsure how to proceed.... many of us wait. We give it time, with the HOPE that things change or solutions present themselves. This of course is a valuable message in and of itself. 

But when Dumas wrote about wait and hope in his book, he had a very specific context in mind..... vengeance and revenge. Specifically, Dumas has Monte Cristo acknowledge that God is the only one who can act as Providence, the only force that can hand out people’s fates. Humans, rather than taking God’s task into their own hands, ought to simply “wait and hope” that God does indeed eventually reward the good and punish the bad.

To me, understanding the context of this quote is very poignant. As humans, when we feel violated, harmed, or wronged, our instinct is to PROTECT ourselves and seek revenge. I think this is a natural reaction and present in many of us initially after being hurt. Certainly many people take revenge into their own hands.... just turn on the news any given day. But ultimately seeking revenge means you are stooping to the level of your perpetrator. This will NEVER be me, or let's put it this way, I have a stronger moral compass that guides me and like Monte Cristo reveals in Dumas' book..... I believe God sees everything and is the ultimate decision maker. So in some cases, I leave my anger, pain, and disgust in God's hands. 

When your heart has been broken, when you have given trust away and that trust has been betrayed, it impacts every aspect of your life. It definitely affects how I see and trust others, it makes me more cautious, and I find I am safer alone, locking out others and the chances of such horrors ever happening again. This maybe why I watch Hallmark movies. In these movies...... couples communicate, they share emotions, they share truths, there is commitment, and commitment means something, they find common ground, and THEY ALWAYS LAND UP TOGETHER. There are no unhappy endings with Hallmark, and in a world in which we have countless unhappy moments, it is refreshing to take a pause from hurt. 

Sunday, February 9, 2026

Sunday, February 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old and since it had just snowed, Mattie wanted to be outside and exploring the white stuff. I would say that Mattie was happiest when he was outside in nature... it did not matter the weather. This was one thing I had to adjust to, because I dislike the cold, not to mention the rain, but those things did not bother Mattie. Therefore, I would say that Mattie expanded my comfort zone and if something interested him.... I learned to appreciate it too!

Quote of the day: You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, even if it’s just in your own eyes. ~ NASA astronaut Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

The best thing I did this weekend was to contact my doctor's office on Saturday morning. Typically I do not pay attention to how I am feeling, but on Saturday, I felt like a 30 pound weight was on my chest, I realized I hadn't slept well because I was congested and drowning in fluid, and what stopped me in my tracks was I had NO ENERGY to perform my caregiving duties. It was that fact that got me to think about my health and to pursue medical attention. 

After two doses of antibiotics, I was able to sleep last night and I woke up congested but I could function. As I am typing this tonight, I realize that my energy is coming back! I am not one for napping and slowing down, but yesterday I took to bed. When this happens, you know that I am sick. It was a scary feeling to be depleted of energy, especially since I do have the energy of about ten people. When I am that drained, I worry.... will I always feel that way? Thanks to the power of antibiotics....I am bouncing back. 

I was able to take my parents out to brunch today. Which was a God send, because yesterday we spent the entire day at home, and between seeing the frozen snow, hearing the howling wind, and feeling sick, it wasn't good for my mental state. By the time I got home, I realized I still had energy. A true gift, because I had promised to do my mom's hair and give her a pedicure. Mission accomplished. 

This is an area of my kitchen which I try to decorate for the season or holiday approaching. I received some lovely Valentine's gifts! When I told the wonderful gift giver  that Lindor chocolates are one of my favorites, her response to me was..... "You are our favorite!" Given who this gift is from, this sentiment meant the world to me. The best Valentine's gift ever.  

Saturday, February 7, 2026

Saturday, February 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old in this photo. That weekend we took Mattie to the US Natural History Museum. In the rotunda of the Museum is a 2-ton, 14-foot-tall African Elephant on display. The elephant is nicknamed, Henry. Mattie and I were looking up at Henry. Personally I think Mattie's eye's and facial expression said it all! He was amazed that an animal could have been that big!

Quote of the day: People will work eight hours a day for pay, 10 hours a day for a good boss, and 24 hours a day for a good cause! ~ John C. Maxwell

All week I have been struggling. It started with what looked to be a head cold. My head was filled with fluid, I had pressure around my eyes, and a low grade fever. No matter what I threw at this problem, it wasn't addressing the symptoms. In fact, the symptoms were getting worse, as this congestion moved to my chest, and I have developed a non-stop post nasal drip and dry cough. This morning, I had to get up early because my dad had his physical therapy session. Truly how I got up and did anything is beyond me. However, once I got him showered, dressed, and at the breakfast table, I decided to swab my nose for COVID and Flu and then call my doctor. Based on my countless calls to my parents' doctor, I know NOT to call a doctor without having COVID and Flu data in hand. 

I tested negative to both and it confirmed what I believed was my issue..... I have a sinus infection. Clearly it wasn't going to get better without intervention. I called my doctor's office and within ten minutes the doctor on call contacted me. He said my message was so detailed (as I told him every symptom, how I was treating each symptom, and that I am a caregiver to my parents), that he agreed I have a sinus infection and immediately called in antibiotics for me. Bless him!

Of course, this is the one of many reasons I hate being single. I do not have my other half present to support me, to jump in the car and go to the pharmacy and help me manage things in the house so that I could potentially rest and recover. I don't think time will ever wash over this feeling of disgust, anger, and sadness over my divorce. 

When my dad's physical therapist arrived, we chatted. She couldn't get over my last two weeks.... my dad getting Norovirus, my dad getting hospitalized, my dad having hiccups for 12 days from the virus, my dad developing Tardive Dyskinesis from hiccup medications, and of course me getting Norovirus and now a sinus infection. SERIOUSLY it is overwhelming. However, because apparently I am not dealing with enough, my dad's heart rate today has been inconsistent and unstable. Even at rest, his heart is racing, at 115 beats per minute (a normal pulse is 60-100). My dad does have Afib and it has been managed with his pacemaker and medication, but now very little is helping, especially since I learned in his last hospitalization that he has congestive heart failure. Many symptoms of heart failure are caused by extra fluid, or congestion, in the body. Symptoms may include shortness of breath even while doing simple activities such as walking; waking up breathless during the night; coughing; swelling of the legs, feet or abdomen; excessive fatigue; and early satiety, meaning you can’t finish a meal because you fell full very quickly. My dad has all of these symptoms and what I am also noticing is that even at rest, his pulse is high. He has a cardiology appointment on Tuesday, so today, I am taking his blood pressure and measuring his pulse throughout the day. 

Any case, it is 4:20pm, and I am migrating away from the computer and I hope to rest before I have to contend with dinner. May the antibiotics perform their magic!

Friday, February 6, 2026

Friday, February 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old and he absolutely loved zooming around our first floor in his "tot wheels." He was a curious fellow, who enjoyed opening drawers and exploring what was inside. All I can say is that life with Mattie was NEVER boring. He was full of life and packed a lot into his seven years on this earth. 

Quote of the day: Devotion is the purest form of giving. ~ Eckhart Tolle

This morning, after I got my dad showered, dressed and downstairs, we were sitting at the breakfast table awaiting his in-home nurse visit. I should mention that on top of everything else I am juggling, I have been dealing with one pressure sore after the other with my dad. Just when one heals, another pops up, or we start the cycle all over again with previous sores opening up. It is a non-stop battle to keep him clean and dry. I have no idea how I would manage my dad if I couldn't shower him each day. The shower gives me half a chance to keep his skin clean and intact. 

Any case, back to the breakfast table. My mom gets a newspaper delivered to the house each day. My dad wanted to look at the paper. I handed it to him, and he looked at one picture and then tossed the paper. So I asked him what did he see? The answer was NOTHING! This led me to pick up the paper and see what was on the front page. 

Ironically what caught my attention was...."Cemetery Offers To Turn Loved Ones Into Gardening Soil." Seriously when I read this, I thought this was a joke. Therefore, I kept on reading. It is no joke and apparently in the USA, 14 states have legalized human composting, starting with Washington in 2019. There are many reasons this new format is being introduced and proposed, such as:

1. Cemeteries are running out of space for the growing need for plots
2. People are looking for more earth friendly (biodegradable) options
3. More cost effective than a burial (as a burial can be $30K or more)

I honestly do not know how I feel about this, because the process of composing human remains, means going into a vat like structure for 40 days, being rocked back and forth. These vats are housed in big rooms, and family members are allowed to come visit the vats and sit by the body as it decomposes. I don't know where I stand on that idea! The notion is that once decomposed, the remains can be used to provide fertilizer and nutrients for the greenery of the cemetery. Proponents of this feel like it gives people "agency" over their death and how they will be remembered. 

Naturally, religious minded groups have issues with this notion, as it is not deemed to be pious and respectful of the human body. While several Funeral Home Associations are raising concerns about the regulation of the resulting human soil. Some of the states that allow human composting prohibit using the resulting soil for growing food crops. To me, how you manage a loved one's death is a very personal choice. However, what I do know is that a funeral and burial are really for those left behind, not the dead. Once dead, you have NO agency! So I think if one decides this is the option they want to go with, a discussion with family would be important. 

If you are interested, you can check out this short news clip on this topic below. But for those of us like me, who do not have a spouse or children, the notion of our death brings about a host of feelings. There will be no one overseeing what happens to us when we die. I have a friend (whose husband up and left her after many decades together) who jokes with me that when she dies, she will sit on a shelf at a funeral home unclaimed. That may sound like a joke, but in our case this is a sobering reality. So perhaps for me becoming one with the earth is a peaceful notion, because I believe God will accept my spirit into heaven regardless of the physical form of my body.