Saturday, May 9, 2026

Saturday, May 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Mother's Day and we went out for brunch to one of the restaurants Mattie loved in Maryland. This restaurant has a pond out front with turtles, frogs and fish. All the things that intrigued Mattie. In this particular photo Mattie was showing how much he loved me.... he crossed his hands over his heart. To me this is a priceless photo and as I face yet another Mother's Day without Mattie, I cling to the photos that remind me that yes indeed I was once a mom. To compound the loss, I also do not have my other half to share memories and to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. So in essence I am enduring the death of my son as well as of my other half. 

Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown

I had my usual routine today, but then at 5pm, I was invited to my neighbor's party. They were throwing a high school graduation for their daughter. That may sound like a nice thing, but social events are very hard for me. As they were setting up for the party today, I could see the activity through my windows. While they were doing something normal and fun, I was dealing with bowel movements and massive clean ups. When I look at my life..... Mattie getting cancer, Mattie dying, facing divorce after a 35 year relationship, and doing intense caregiving, I am VERY cognizant that I am NOT like the average person. I never got to see Mattie go to high school, much less graduate. Therefore going to a party takes great courage on my part. 

In addition it is Mother's Day weekend. I have a whole range of emotions over this! On aside, I found out who sent me the flowers yesterday! If you recall, I received a bouquet of flowers and there was no note. Turns out the flowers are from my former in-laws. Remember that they have been a part of my life since I was 19, and though I am not legally a part of their family, I am still considered family, and after all, isn't family BIGGER than just the legal definition?

Back to the party! I took my parents out to lunch today, so that I could get them home, settled, and I could walk over to the party. I met my neighbors at the party and we sat together. These neighbors know all the challenges I face, so that alone put me at ease. The young girl that is graduating is a love. For the past two years, I would see her weekly at Starbucks. She would go there after school and study, and I mean study. I was always impressed with her determination and focus, and whenever she would see me, she would say hello and we would exchange conversation. 

Any case, I congratulated her parents today and for some reason while talking to them I started crying. Obviously this young lady isn't my daughter, but I still could feel deeply for how hard she worked to graduate and get into a good college. But I think the crying is much deeper..... as I am crying about the many losses in my life and the fact that I will never have these experiences with Mattie and unlike my neighbors, I am no longer in a long term committed relationship. It is just devastating. But this is telling.... when I have a minute alone, the depths of my losses flood me with emotion. 

However, in the midst of devastation..... there was a Ben and Jerry's ice cream truck. Some people need alcohol and drugs..... I just need ice cream. Everything looks better over ice cream. The ice cream fellow was a love! He was offering four different flavors, and when I told him I couldn't decide, he proceeded to give me four mini scoops of each flavor. I found my NEW best friend! 

Friday, May 8, 2026

Friday, May 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and the notion of childhood cancer was no where on our minds! That afternoon, I served lunch outside on our deck in the city. Mattie absolutely loved outdoor time and as you can see this tender moment was captured in a photo. If I could only turn back the hands of time. 

Quote of the day: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her... ~ Oscar Wilde

It was another busy morning as my dad's nurse came over to evaluate his pressure sores. She has now discharged us from service, but the wounds have not completely healed yet. She gave me the option of continuing him on service or discharging him! I elected for her to discharge him because at this point I know how to manage this myself and I have an arsenal of medications at home! Certainly if the sores get worse, I will need her intervention again!

Treating my dad's sores is an uphill battle. Given that he is incontinent, it is very hard keeping his skin constantly clean! Despite the fact that I shower him daily and change him every two hours. But my mornings are horror shows.... as bowel movements begin in bed, carry over to the shower, and again outside the shower. This isn't a once in a blue moon incident, this is a daily routine! 

Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I continued on doing chores. I was running around all morning. When I got home and was unloading the groceries, when a car drove up my driveway. The man got out of the car and handed me a bunch of spring flowers. I was confused, as I did not order flowers from Whole Foods. There was no card with the flowers, so I asked him, whether the flowers were actually for me, or for my neighbors. He showed me the order with my name and address on it, but the order did not have a sender name. So here I am with this lovely spring time arrangement, with no idea who to thank. The arrangement had pussy willows (which I love as they remind me of my maternal grandmother), hyacinths (which I absolutely love the fragrance), and tulips (which remind me of my former in-laws.... as they always loved them). 

In my news feed today, was this article, entitled, Quote of the day by Oscar Wilde: 'A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her...' - The unsettling duality of relationships and love explained by the Irish author-poet. Needless to say the title alone caught my attention! Wilde was married at one time, and after the birth of his second child, he began having a relationship with another man. Knowing this, I was even more intrigued with his statement about a man could be happy with any woman. 

But being happy with a woman and deeply loving a woman may not necessarily go hand in hand. Which was a point I never really thought about until reading this article! In fact, I think he is 100% correct, and it may easily explain how men can jump from one relationship to the next in search for happiness, or what they think is happiness, but happiness is not necessary rooted in love, commitment, and all the qualities we would think of that makes life and a marriage more meaningful. Happiness may look more stable, it may remove inter-personal pressure, but happiness alone doesn't carry you through the challenges of life and a marriage, because life is filled with heartache, crises, and grief. The only guarantees in life is that challenges will arise.... good luck relying on happiness to carry you through! Happiness will go right out the window, it is hollow, and instead the foundational core values of trust, loyalty, respect, honesty, commitment, and YES LOVE, are the necessities in any lasting relationship. 

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that day we took him to the DC Aquatic Gardens. This was a place I absolutely LOVED to visit. I wouldn't drive to this location on my own, but once in the park, you wouldn't know you were in the middle of the city. The bird traffic and beautiful lotus flowers will forever be in my mind. Mattie loved the whole adventure. We never got tired of it, because with the season, things changed and evolved, and there was always something to see. Beavers too!

Quote of the day: I want to caution you against the idea that balance has to be a routine that looks the same week in and week out. ~ Kevin Thoman

Though I appreciate tonight's quote, I would have to say there is a lot of comfort and control with routine. Would I love not doing the same thing everyday? Certainly! I can tell you the day of the week just by what I am doing! I am that regulated and regimented. Whenever, something arises that breaks the routine, it makes me stressed out. The human spirit likes spontaneity to some extent, but unfortunately given my caregiving role and being the sole adult on duty in my house.... freedom and flexibility are gone. I could get upset by this, and perhaps I did in the beginning of my journey in 2021. Now I have come to just accept it and frankly if I am able to do the routine, that means NO ONE IS SICK or in the hospital. So for me routine is a good thing. 

Just like I have a routine, so does my cat, Indie. She typically sleeps on my bed all night, but then awakes any where between 3-5am and wants me to open the door of my room for her to go out. I let her out and then I go back to sleep. By 6:30am, if I am not up, Indie is throwing her body against my bedroom door. She wants me up and to be fed! This morning, I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Do you want to know what she did? She went downstairs to Mattie's piano, jumped on the keys and was walking up and down the keyboard. I literally was ready to scream! Keep in mind that Indie wasn't bonded with me, she loved my other half. Since my separation, Indie and I have had to find our way in the world and with each other. It is a process for sure as cats are so different from dogs. 

Each day I am on pins and needles awaiting the next shoe to drop. As I am trying to go to a mortgage assumption, I feel like I am facing a death sentence. Afraid of next steps, afraid of closing costs, and of course if it were just me, that would be bad enough, but I have two 90-year-olds in tow. Any changes are impossible for them, and I carry that weight with me daily. Today, the pool company let me know that something else is broken! This pool is the bane of my existence and just when I think I have corrected one big problem, others arise. When all these things happen, I get mad that I am facing all of this alone. I got married at age 24 because I I thought I found my other half, the person I thought would be with me always, in good times and bad, in sickness and health... so much for death do us part.  

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this was a typical sighting on our deck! Mattie loved his frog sandbox and he kept all sorts of toys in it! But of course he would brings toys from his room to add to the mix. That day Mattie got out a fishing pool and decided that the top of the sandbox was a boat. He was fishing for toys in his pretend ocean! The beauty of Mattie Brown! I will never forget his energy and love for life. 

Quote of the day: Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ A.A. Milne

This morning my friend Ann came to visit. For the most part, I do not see friends, I do not communicate on a regular basis with people, and for all intensive purposes, I feel like I have fallen off the earth. Or let's put it this way.... if I fell off the earth would anyone know?

It was a raining morning, but rain and all, Ann and I went outside and we walked 5 miles together. Keep in mind that I haven't walked outside since the last time Ann visited. Truthfully given my lack of physical exercise, it is remarkable that I could walk all these steps! The route I took today with Ann, was the route Sunny and I used to walk together. 

Sunny was my reason for getting out into the world and walking. Sunny lived up to his name. He had an amazingly warm, loving, and sensitive side. But Sunny was also friendly and beautiful! Which is why he made friends where ever he went! As people would stop to admire Sunny, it caused me to converse with people! Sunny was the best medicine and he truly was therapeutic for me after Mattie died. His loss in my life is also huge. I am quite certain that if Sunny were still alive today, I wouldn't have a cholesterol issue! 

The beauty of having a dog is despite the weather and time of year.... you are out walking. I am not likely to meet my own needs or to even prioritize them. Others are typically more important to me than myself, but it never dawned on me that with all my Sunny walks, it was also good for my health! 

All that said, today's positive was all my initial mortgage assumption paperwork was received. First hurdle done. Now I wait. Just because I applied doesn't mean they will grant me the assumption... the stress over this is enormous. In addition, I kept receiving emails that I did not submit forms and were missing the deadlines. I was having none of that today, so I escalated my issues up to a manager. Indeed, I caught a glitch in their computer system. If I could see all my messages in my sent mailbox, why couldn't they them in their inbox? I spend more time going in circles in this house, and I always ask.... when will it get any easier!? The fear of course is that it NEVER will!

Tuesday, May 5, 2025

Tuesday, May 5, 2026 --Mattie died 844 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the Mattie March. Team Mattie hosted this event at Mattie's school which pulled our communities together, to support Mattie, and to raise funds to help with Mattie's treatment and care. Pictured with Mattie is Bob, the Magic Man. Bob was Mattie's head of school. Bob learned to art of magic from his father. Bob visited Mattie at the hospital and at our home several times a month to teach Mattie magic. Mattie loved it and was good at it, because it required fine motor skills. These were skills unaffected by his cancer treatment. As Mattie began to socially retreat, magic gave him the ability to connect with his care team and to do something that made him feel good about himself. This particular photo was taken at the magic show that was performed at the Mattie March in 2009. This was one of Mattie's favorite tricks, maybe because it had a funny name that only a 6 year old could appreciate.... "the peanut butter booger trick!" After Mattie died, Bob renamed the trick.... "the Mattie Brown." When Mattie Miracle hosted its in-person awareness Walks, Bob always performed a magic show in Mattie's honor! 

Quote of the day: Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out. ~ Katherine Dunham

I was running around this morning doing all sorts of chores and tasks. While going up and down the stairs, I happened to look out the big Palladian window and saw a dead bird sitting on top of the portico roof. It was a baby bird that clearly did not make it. I naturally wasn't going to leave the bird up there. When I told my mom about the bird, her response was.... you need to hire someone to climb up there and remove the bird. I literally said to her.... NO! I am NOT asking anyone for help! I spent my entire married life relying on someone. Now if I am capable of finding a solution, then I will address it myself. 

I literally brought a ladder out front and had a very long garden stake in tow. I got up on the ladder and naturally I couldn't reach to the top of the portico. So I reach up with the long garden stake and used it to sweep off the roof. Sure enough, I swept the bird right off. I am saddened to see that this baby bird did not make it, but I believe that all animals go straight to heaven. So I am hoping this bird is living the life it was meant to be up there. 

My dad's nurse came back today and we are continuing to monitor my dad's sores. I am absolutely disgusted with Medicare. Medicare doesn't provide an adequate supply of wound care materials. Instead, families are forced to purchase them on their own. Thankfully I can do this for my parents, but what happens to older adults who are unable to manage this process? I know the answer..... they are out of luck! If I relied on Medicare's wound care supply, I would be lucky if I could change my dad's bandages twice a week. Which is ridiculous considering that with my dad's incontinence, some days I have to change the bandages three or more times! 

On another note, the Foundation's awareness Walk is May 17th. Please consider checking out my Mattie Moon's fundraising page. Also check out our on-line raffle too! The Walk is a vital fundraising event for us, as it helps us raise funds to support our psychosocial programs and initiatives that assist children with cancer. I thank all my friends and supporters for helping me keep Mattie's memory and legacy alive. I carry this important role alone now, which is why I am so grateful to all of you!

Monday, May 4, 2026

Monday, May 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I just have to see these jars to know it had to be tent caterpillar season! I reserved two jars for this metamorphosis project every spring. Mattie loved to collect these caterpillars at his school. He literally would bring them home in a cup! The first time he did this, I really had NO IDEA what to do! My instinct was to put them in the garden area, but then I thought.... NO if Mattie is interested, let's make this a fun learning opportunity. So we jarred them, and then we had to figure out what they ate! We tried every tree leaf around us and they refused to munch. Our last attempt was oak leaves and that did the trick. We only had ONE oak tree near our apartment in Washington, DC. Which was why that tree was special to me! Therefore when we left the city and moved to Virginia, we took a few acorns from this tree, and now I have two fledglings in my backyard! Those fledglings remind me of our spring time activity each year. Mattie always looked forward to watching the caterpillars eat, then form a cocoon and finally emerge as a moth! We had so many moth releasing events on our deck!

Quote of the day: A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. ~ Vernon Howar

This morning, Blanca came over to help clean the house. I haven't had Blanca here since December. She is very cognizant of all that I am balancing, therefore, I truly can't manage her on a regular basis. But Blanca and I go way back! My neighbor introduced me to her when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, he hired her to clean my apartment while we were at the hospital. Needless to say after Mattie died, Blanca continued to work with us. She has experienced me devastated and devastated some more! However, as she always reminds me, I helped her in numerous ways when she was going through challenging times with her children. Today she started tearing up because she wanted me to know that God sees everything and he knows that I have not just a beautiful heart, but a very big one (as she threw her arms wide open to emphasize the BIG). Any case, I always find it so meaningful when people share their feelings with me, because when you find yourself divorced after a 35 year relationship, it does impact how you feel about yourself. 

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I then drove my mom to the city for her hair and nail appointments. Going to this salon is like going home for me, because it is located right next to where I used to live in the city. This area will always be my home, in which I was married and raised Mattie! While at the salon today, a woman started telling me her story. Her husband of decades wanted a divorce and they blew through all the family's money. I did not share much about myself, but she clearly felt comfortable talking to me. What accounts for this? I don't know but I remember even in grade school, I never got out of school on time, because friends wanted to share problems and issues with me and wanted my input. I can recall my mom waiting endlessly for me to come out of school! However, I have found after Mattie died, and now that I am divorced, people feel even more comfortable talking to me. I am not sure if they view me as having "life experience and pain," or if they feel I won't judge them? What I do know through hearing countless stories over the years is that women are strong, we endure so many challenges, face countless crises, and are resourceful in how we attack problems. 

Later this afternoon, I got an email and phone call from my dad's memory care center. They wanted to talk with me about my dad's aspirations while eating lunch. The Center is undergoing a lot of staff and leadership changes, which always makes me nervous. Today I met one of the new directors and unfortunately it did not go well. Have you ever had a bad feeling about someone?! Well this woman and I were like oil and water. She started telling me about her credentials! BAD IDEA! I am talking about my dad and the stresses we are facing as a family and she is telling me about her years of experience. I finally said to her.... I am a licensed mental health provider too, but there is one thing to help people professionally with dementia and another thing to work 24/7 with a loved one who has dementia. So I asked her..... does she have personal experience with dementia? The answer was NO! Obviously..... I could just sense it! 

My dad is introverted and if given the opportunity will always elect to sleep and relax. Sure some napping is good, but stimulation, being engaged, and having him participate in my mind is crucial. They want to follow his cues, and I said, that isn't a good idea. My dad can no longer make informed and sound decisions and therefore, I have to make these choices for him because I have his best interest at heart. By the time I finished with these professionals today, I put them on edge. I am okay with that, I do not need to be loved. I need to be heard and they need to know I am watching and will hold anyone and everyone accountable so that my dad gets the care that I feel he needs to have the best quality of life possible. 

Sunday, May 3, 2026

Sunday, May 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old! I mentioned this in a recent blog posting..... that we used the coffee table in our living room to unofficially track Mattie's growth! The photo Mattie was holding was taken when he was under two years of age. I loved that photo so much that I displayed it on our refrigerator. That day, Mattie took the photo off of the refrigerator and posed next to the coffee table with it. Mattie couldn't get over how much he had grown! The smile says it all!

Quote of the day: Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. ~ May Sarton

About two weeks ago, I bought some flowers to plant in my flower pots! However, with the cold snap that we had, I never got to the planting. Thankfully I have been able to keep everything alive, but today, after I got back from taking my parents out to lunch, I forced myself outside! I spent about two hours in the garden. We all turn to different things to manage stress. My garden is my therapy. I snapped some photos so you can see why I fell in love with this space, way before I ever saw the house!

Given the winter we had, I am absolutely amazed that the perennials came back in my flower pots! 

I am a fan of lantanas and geraniums. They are hardy flowers that make it through our summer heat! Typically I plant a lot of petunias, but I have found from previous summers they don't do well in this very sunny spot! So I changed it up this year! I planted all these flower pots this afternoon. 

Begonias and verbena..... more flowers that handle our very hot and humid summers!

The rhododendrons are in bloom! I haven't seen them look this vibrant in quite some time. So perhaps the winter inspired them in some way! I don't know if you can see Mattie's tiny oak tree. It is in a flower pot! Mattie loved the one oak tree we had near our apartment in Washington, DC. Before we moved in 2021, we took acorns from that tree. We planted them in two flower pots and the little trees come back every spring. It is one of many tributes I have in the garden to my Mattie!

Saturday, May, 2, 2026

Saturday, May 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that day we walked down to the National Mall. We were right by the reflecting pool! Mattie was checking out the ducks! Spring time was the perfect season to see mama ducks and their ducklings.... a sighting that always caught Mattie's attention! Mattie was eager to point out that they looked just like him and me! I remember these moments in time like they were yesterday! Whenever I see a mother duck and her ducklings now, I can practically hear in my mind Mattie's excitement over this special sighting in nature. 

Quote of the day: Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein

This morning as I was doing one task after the other (before I woke my dad up), I had the radio on. Those of you who have read the blog over the years, know I am a big country music fan. I like this genre because it usually talks about emotions and the human condition. Any case Megan Moroney's "Beautiful Things" came on the radio. If you haven't heard it, it is below. There is a verse in the song that says.....Nothin' 'bout you needs fixin', It ain't what you are, it's what he isn't! I am sure many people who hear this song, and have experienced heartache feel like this song was written for them. But this morning, I most definitely needed to hear this!

I had another challenging day! I am too tired to write about it. The highlight of my day is I baked three dozen pink and white cookies. When I was growing up in New York, the black and white cookie was very popular. It is a fluffy cake like cookie with a frosted glaze. Any case, I replicated the cookie tonight but with a  pink glaze!

Friday, May 1, 2026

Friday, May 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. This was not unusual for Mattie. He loved when I picked him up. He would give me big hugs, and especially loved pushing his cheeks into mine. Mattie and I were very much alike, we had similar temperaments, were loyal to a fault, and we just understood each other. 

Quote of the day: We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. ~ Chuck Swindoll

Several months ago, my parents and I started watching the Hallmark series, When Calls the Heart. The only thing I can equate it to is Little House on the Prairie. It is certainly different, but has the same wholesome, meaningful, and heart warming nature. We have been glued to this series. It starts out with a coal mining accident in which a majority of the town's men are killed. So it focuses on grief, the strength of women, and a community coming together to support each other. The cast of women on this show is quite powerful. One of the character's is named, Rosemary. Though not the star of the show, her stage presence, personality, and insights truly make her shine. 

The main character on the show is Elizabeth. A woman who grew up with significant means, but decided to leave that all behind and become a teacher in a pioneer town. Elizabeth marries the love of her life, Jack, who dies in a Mountie training mission. Elizabeth is left heart broken and pregnant. While grieving Elizabeth develops a close relationship with her neighbor, Rosemary. As Elizabeth struggles over a year after her husband died, she finds she has feelings for two men in town, Rosemary tells her..... People come into our lives, some for a reason, others for a season, and some for a lifetime. Jack was a season, and it was glorious. Now it's up to you to decide who might be here for a reason or perhaps even a lifetime. I am not sure why this particular line got me, but it did. In a way I think Rosemary was trying to give Elizabeth hope. 

Do I apply such a statement to myself? Well not quite. The difference between Elizabeth (a TV character) and myself is vast. But in a nutshell, the primary difference is Elizabeth's husband died. She did not get divorced after decades of a life together. I believe this matters greatly. In addition, Elizabeth is a young woman with a baby! Also a big difference. Age does matter. As we get older, it is a lot harder to let others into our lives, and given the nature of my divorce, I can't see myself ever, and I mean EVER, trusting another man again. To me, when I was married, I felt he was my season, reason, and my lifetime. 

In any case, in the midst of juggling so much stress, the one thing I look forward to at the end of the night is watching this show. While watching Hallmark, I escape from my reality to a happier, more peaceful, more honest, and simpler world. 

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Though Mattie had a special birthday cake for his party with friends, I always bought the three of us an ice cream cake to have as a family. It was my family tradition growing up and I passed that along to Mattie. If you look closely at his cake, you will see the chocolate ice cream layer was cut out! I gave Mattie my vanilla layer and he gave me his chocolate! We were the perfect match for each other! 

Quote of the day: The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway

This morning one of my dad's physical therapists came to work with him. My dad works with multiple therapists, but Tiffani seems to be the only one who can get my dad to walk. I don't mean a short walk. She gets him to walk up our block and back, which takes him about 25 minutes. I literally can't get my dad to walk 5 minutes, and neither can his other therapists. So it is very frustrating that Tiffani doesn't experience the same person as me! Walking is crucial for independence and I would love my dad to do a walking routine daily, but it is like pulling teeth. 

Meanwhile, while juggling caregiving, multiple bathroom accidents and messes, I continue to process along with the mortgage assumption process. Seriously I had no idea how difficult this process was going to be. After all, I am the owner of the house and I am one of the borrower's on the mortgage. I am only trying to remove the other borrower! How hard can that be?!!! For some crazy reason I thought that was going to be easy! FORGET IT! Every aspect of this is challenging and the financial hits just keep on coming, as this process is amazingly expensive. Divorce is a very costly process, and that doesn't account for the immeasurable emotional consequences. Which frankly there are no words in the English language to do justice to how I am feeling. 

Naturally I have a home owner's insurance policy! My name is on it and yet to remove the other name means that I need to cancel that policy and pay for an entirely new one. It is infuriating and while emailing back and forth the insurance agent today, I had to put down my phone. I was on overload and upset. I am upset because why buy this house to begin with, if the intention was to divorce me? I would have been happier in my apartment in Washington, DC without the numerous headaches I face on a daily basis! I can get so upset that I land up either talking to myself or screaming! 

My parents are unable to help me. They also are unable to process anything I am saying to them! Which means I am captaining this ship ALONE. Where I once could show and get help on significant paperwork from my dad or my other half, I now face the reality of figuring out everything for myself. It is daunting, stressful, and the anxiety each day becomes layered. One on top of the other, and the other, and the other. In fact, if I get upset or seem frazzled this makes my mom so upset that she starts shaking in fright. So clearly, as I go through this mortgage process, I have to shield my parents from the daily stresses this causes. As you can imagine, they are very upset and devastated by my divorce and the never ending cascade of consequences.