Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this was a typical sighting on our deck! Mattie loved his frog sandbox and he kept all sorts of toys in it! But of course he would brings toys from his room to add to the mix. That day Mattie got out a fishing pool and decided that the top of the sandbox was a boat. He was fishing for toys in his pretend ocean! The beauty of Mattie Brown! I will never forget his energy and love for life. 

Quote of the day: Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ A.A. Milne

This morning my friend Ann came to visit. For the most part, I do not see friends, I do not communicate on a regular basis with people, and for all intensive purposes, I feel like I have fallen off the earth. Or let's put it this way.... if I fell off the earth would anyone know?

It was a raining morning, but rain and all, Ann and I went outside and we walked 5 miles together. Keep in mind that I haven't walked outside since the last time Ann visited. Truthfully given my lack of physical exercise, it is remarkable that I could walk all these steps! The route I took today with Ann, was the route Sunny and I used to walk together. 

Sunny was my reason for getting out into the world and walking. Sunny lived up to his name. He had an amazingly warm, loving, and sensitive side. But Sunny was also friendly and beautiful! Which is why he made friends where ever he went! As people would stop to admire Sunny, it caused me to converse with people! Sunny was the best medicine and he truly was therapeutic for me after Mattie died. His loss in my life is also huge. I am quite certain that if Sunny were still alive today, I wouldn't have a cholesterol issue! 

The beauty of having a dog is despite the weather and time of year.... you are out walking. I am not likely to meet my own needs or to even prioritize them. Others are typically more important to me than myself, but it never dawned on me that with all my Sunny walks, it was also good for my health! 

All that said, today's positive was all my initial mortgage assumption paperwork was received. First hurdle done. Now I wait. Just because I applied doesn't mean they will grant me the assumption... the stress over this is enormous. In addition, I kept receiving emails that I did not submit forms and were missing the deadlines. I was having none of that today, so I escalated my issues up to a manager. Indeed, I caught a glitch in their computer system. If I could see all my messages in my sent mailbox, why couldn't they them in their inbox? I spend more time going in circles in this house, and I always ask.... when will it get any easier!? The fear of course is that it NEVER will!

Tuesday, May 5, 2025

Tuesday, May 5, 2026 --Mattie died 844 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the Mattie March. Team Mattie hosted this event at Mattie's school which pulled our communities together, to support Mattie, and to raise funds to help with Mattie's treatment and care. Pictured with Mattie is Bob, the Magic Man. Bob was Mattie's head of school. Bob learned to art of magic from his father. Bob visited Mattie at the hospital and at our home several times a month to teach Mattie magic. Mattie loved it and was good at it, because it required fine motor skills. These were skills unaffected by his cancer treatment. As Mattie began to socially retreat, magic gave him the ability to connect with his care team and to do something that made him feel good about himself. This particular photo was taken at the magic show that was performed at the Mattie March in 2009. This was one of Mattie's favorite tricks, maybe because it had a funny name that only a 6 year old could appreciate.... "the peanut butter booger trick!" After Mattie died, Bob renamed the trick.... "the Mattie Brown." When Mattie Miracle hosted its in-person awareness Walks, Bob always performed a magic show in Mattie's honor! 

Quote of the day: Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out. ~ Katherine Dunham

I was running around this morning doing all sorts of chores and tasks. While going up and down the stairs, I happened to look out the big Palladian window and saw a dead bird sitting on top of the portico roof. It was a baby bird that clearly did not make it. I naturally wasn't going to leave the bird up there. When I told my mom about the bird, her response was.... you need to hire someone to climb up there and remove the bird. I literally said to her.... NO! I am NOT asking anyone for help! I spent my entire married life relying on someone. Now if I am capable of finding a solution, then I will address it myself. 

I literally brought a ladder out front and had a very long garden stake in tow. I got up on the ladder and naturally I couldn't reach to the top of the portico. So I reach up with the long garden stake and used it to sweep off the roof. Sure enough, I swept the bird right off. I am saddened to see that this baby bird did not make it, but I believe that all animals go straight to heaven. So I am hoping this bird is living the life it was meant to be up there. 

My dad's nurse came back today and we are continuing to monitor my dad's sores. I am absolutely disgusted with Medicare. Medicare doesn't provide an adequate supply of wound care materials. Instead, families are forced to purchase them on their own. Thankfully I can do this for my parents, but what happens to older adults who are unable to manage this process? I know the answer..... they are out of luck! If I relied on Medicare's wound care supply, I would be lucky if I could change my dad's bandages twice a week. Which is ridiculous considering that with my dad's incontinence, some days I have to change the bandages three or more times! 

On another note, the Foundation's awareness Walk is May 17th. Please consider checking out my Mattie Moon's fundraising page. Also check out our on-line raffle too! The Walk is a vital fundraising event for us, as it helps us raise funds to support our psychosocial programs and initiatives that assist children with cancer. I thank all my friends and supporters for helping me keep Mattie's memory and legacy alive. I carry this important role alone now, which is why I am so grateful to all of you!

Monday, May 4, 2026

Monday, May 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. I just have to see these jars to know it had to be tent caterpillar season! I reserved two jars for this metamorphosis project every spring. Mattie loved to collect these caterpillars at his school. He literally would bring them home in a cup! The first time he did this, I really had NO IDEA what to do! My instinct was to put them in the garden area, but then I thought.... NO if Mattie is interested, let's make this a fun learning opportunity. So we jarred them, and then we had to figure out what they ate! We tried every tree leaf around us and they refused to munch. Our last attempt was oak leaves and that did the trick. We only had ONE oak tree near our apartment in Washington, DC. Which was why that tree was special to me! Therefore when we left the city and moved to Virginia, we took a few acorns from this tree, and now I have two fledglings in my backyard! Those fledglings remind me of our spring time activity each year. Mattie always looked forward to watching the caterpillars eat, then form a cocoon and finally emerge as a moth! We had so many moth releasing events on our deck!

Quote of the day: A truly strong person does not need the approval of others any more than a lion needs the approval of sheep. ~ Vernon Howar

This morning, Blanca came over to help clean the house. I haven't had Blanca here since December. She is very cognizant of all that I am balancing, therefore, I truly can't manage her on a regular basis. But Blanca and I go way back! My neighbor introduced me to her when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. In fact, he hired her to clean my apartment while we were at the hospital. Needless to say after Mattie died, Blanca continued to work with us. She has experienced me devastated and devastated some more! However, as she always reminds me, I helped her in numerous ways when she was going through challenging times with her children. Today she started tearing up because she wanted me to know that God sees everything and he knows that I have not just a beautiful heart, but a very big one (as she threw her arms wide open to emphasize the BIG). Any case, I always find it so meaningful when people share their feelings with me, because when you find yourself divorced after a 35 year relationship, it does impact how you feel about yourself. 

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I then drove my mom to the city for her hair and nail appointments. Going to this salon is like going home for me, because it is located right next to where I used to live in the city. This area will always be my home, in which I was married and raised Mattie! While at the salon today, a woman started telling me her story. Her husband of decades wanted a divorce and they blew through all the family's money. I did not share much about myself, but she clearly felt comfortable talking to me. What accounts for this? I don't know but I remember even in grade school, I never got out of school on time, because friends wanted to share problems and issues with me and wanted my input. I can recall my mom waiting endlessly for me to come out of school! However, I have found after Mattie died, and now that I am divorced, people feel even more comfortable talking to me. I am not sure if they view me as having "life experience and pain," or if they feel I won't judge them? What I do know through hearing countless stories over the years is that women are strong, we endure so many challenges, face countless crises, and are resourceful in how we attack problems. 

Later this afternoon, I got an email and phone call from my dad's memory care center. They wanted to talk with me about my dad's aspirations while eating lunch. The Center is undergoing a lot of staff and leadership changes, which always makes me nervous. Today I met one of the new directors and unfortunately it did not go well. Have you ever had a bad feeling about someone?! Well this woman and I were like oil and water. She started telling me about her credentials! BAD IDEA! I am talking about my dad and the stresses we are facing as a family and she is telling me about her years of experience. I finally said to her.... I am a licensed mental health provider too, but there is one thing to help people professionally with dementia and another thing to work 24/7 with a loved one who has dementia. So I asked her..... does she have personal experience with dementia? The answer was NO! Obviously..... I could just sense it! 

My dad is introverted and if given the opportunity will always elect to sleep and relax. Sure some napping is good, but stimulation, being engaged, and having him participate in my mind is crucial. They want to follow his cues, and I said, that isn't a good idea. My dad can no longer make informed and sound decisions and therefore, I have to make these choices for him because I have his best interest at heart. By the time I finished with these professionals today, I put them on edge. I am okay with that, I do not need to be loved. I need to be heard and they need to know I am watching and will hold anyone and everyone accountable so that my dad gets the care that I feel he needs to have the best quality of life possible. 

Sunday, May 3, 2026

Sunday, May 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2006. Mattie was four years old! I mentioned this in a recent blog posting..... that we used the coffee table in our living room to unofficially track Mattie's growth! The photo Mattie was holding was taken when he was under two years of age. I loved that photo so much that I displayed it on our refrigerator. That day, Mattie took the photo off of the refrigerator and posed next to the coffee table with it. Mattie couldn't get over how much he had grown! The smile says it all!

Quote of the day: Everything that slows us down and forces patience, everything that sets us back into the slow circles of nature, is a help. Gardening is an instrument of grace. ~ May Sarton

About two weeks ago, I bought some flowers to plant in my flower pots! However, with the cold snap that we had, I never got to the planting. Thankfully I have been able to keep everything alive, but today, after I got back from taking my parents out to lunch, I forced myself outside! I spent about two hours in the garden. We all turn to different things to manage stress. My garden is my therapy. I snapped some photos so you can see why I fell in love with this space, way before I ever saw the house!

Given the winter we had, I am absolutely amazed that the perennials came back in my flower pots! 

I am a fan of lantanas and geraniums. They are hardy flowers that make it through our summer heat! Typically I plant a lot of petunias, but I have found from previous summers they don't do well in this very sunny spot! So I changed it up this year! I planted all these flower pots this afternoon. 

Begonias and verbena..... more flowers that handle our very hot and humid summers!

The rhododendrons are in bloom! I haven't seen them look this vibrant in quite some time. So perhaps the winter inspired them in some way! I don't know if you can see Mattie's tiny oak tree. It is in a flower pot! Mattie loved the one oak tree we had near our apartment in Washington, DC. Before we moved in 2021, we took acorns from that tree. We planted them in two flower pots and the little trees come back every spring. It is one of many tributes I have in the garden to my Mattie!

Saturday, May, 2, 2026

Saturday, May 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that day we walked down to the National Mall. We were right by the reflecting pool! Mattie was checking out the ducks! Spring time was the perfect season to see mama ducks and their ducklings.... a sighting that always caught Mattie's attention! Mattie was eager to point out that they looked just like him and me! I remember these moments in time like they were yesterday! Whenever I see a mother duck and her ducklings now, I can practically hear in my mind Mattie's excitement over this special sighting in nature. 

Quote of the day: Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start. Nido Qubein

This morning as I was doing one task after the other (before I woke my dad up), I had the radio on. Those of you who have read the blog over the years, know I am a big country music fan. I like this genre because it usually talks about emotions and the human condition. Any case Megan Moroney's "Beautiful Things" came on the radio. If you haven't heard it, it is below. There is a verse in the song that says.....Nothin' 'bout you needs fixin', It ain't what you are, it's what he isn't! I am sure many people who hear this song, and have experienced heartache feel like this song was written for them. But this morning, I most definitely needed to hear this!

I had another challenging day! I am too tired to write about it. The highlight of my day is I baked three dozen pink and white cookies. When I was growing up in New York, the black and white cookie was very popular. It is a fluffy cake like cookie with a frosted glaze. Any case, I replicated the cookie tonight but with a  pink glaze!

Friday, May 1, 2026

Friday, May 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2004. Mattie was two years old. This was not unusual for Mattie. He loved when I picked him up. He would give me big hugs, and especially loved pushing his cheeks into mine. Mattie and I were very much alike, we had similar temperaments, were loyal to a fault, and we just understood each other. 

Quote of the day: We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations. ~ Chuck Swindoll

Several months ago, my parents and I started watching the Hallmark series, When Calls the Heart. The only thing I can equate it to is Little House on the Prairie. It is certainly different, but has the same wholesome, meaningful, and heart warming nature. We have been glued to this series. It starts out with a coal mining accident in which a majority of the town's men are killed. So it focuses on grief, the strength of women, and a community coming together to support each other. The cast of women on this show is quite powerful. One of the character's is named, Rosemary. Though not the star of the show, her stage presence, personality, and insights truly make her shine. 

The main character on the show is Elizabeth. A woman who grew up with significant means, but decided to leave that all behind and become a teacher in a pioneer town. Elizabeth marries the love of her life, Jack, who dies in a Mountie training mission. Elizabeth is left heart broken and pregnant. While grieving Elizabeth develops a close relationship with her neighbor, Rosemary. As Elizabeth struggles over a year after her husband died, she finds she has feelings for two men in town, Rosemary tells her..... People come into our lives, some for a reason, others for a season, and some for a lifetime. Jack was a season, and it was glorious. Now it's up to you to decide who might be here for a reason or perhaps even a lifetime. I am not sure why this particular line got me, but it did. In a way I think Rosemary was trying to give Elizabeth hope. 

Do I apply such a statement to myself? Well not quite. The difference between Elizabeth (a TV character) and myself is vast. But in a nutshell, the primary difference is Elizabeth's husband died. She did not get divorced after decades of a life together. I believe this matters greatly. In addition, Elizabeth is a young woman with a baby! Also a big difference. Age does matter. As we get older, it is a lot harder to let others into our lives, and given the nature of my divorce, I can't see myself ever, and I mean EVER, trusting another man again. To me, when I was married, I felt he was my season, reason, and my lifetime. 

In any case, in the midst of juggling so much stress, the one thing I look forward to at the end of the night is watching this show. While watching Hallmark, I escape from my reality to a happier, more peaceful, more honest, and simpler world. 

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Thursday, April 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Though Mattie had a special birthday cake for his party with friends, I always bought the three of us an ice cream cake to have as a family. It was my family tradition growing up and I passed that along to Mattie. If you look closely at his cake, you will see the chocolate ice cream layer was cut out! I gave Mattie my vanilla layer and he gave me his chocolate! We were the perfect match for each other! 

Quote of the day: The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places. ~ Ernest Hemingway

This morning one of my dad's physical therapists came to work with him. My dad works with multiple therapists, but Tiffani seems to be the only one who can get my dad to walk. I don't mean a short walk. She gets him to walk up our block and back, which takes him about 25 minutes. I literally can't get my dad to walk 5 minutes, and neither can his other therapists. So it is very frustrating that Tiffani doesn't experience the same person as me! Walking is crucial for independence and I would love my dad to do a walking routine daily, but it is like pulling teeth. 

Meanwhile, while juggling caregiving, multiple bathroom accidents and messes, I continue to process along with the mortgage assumption process. Seriously I had no idea how difficult this process was going to be. After all, I am the owner of the house and I am one of the borrower's on the mortgage. I am only trying to remove the other borrower! How hard can that be?!!! For some crazy reason I thought that was going to be easy! FORGET IT! Every aspect of this is challenging and the financial hits just keep on coming, as this process is amazingly expensive. Divorce is a very costly process, and that doesn't account for the immeasurable emotional consequences. Which frankly there are no words in the English language to do justice to how I am feeling. 

Naturally I have a home owner's insurance policy! My name is on it and yet to remove the other name means that I need to cancel that policy and pay for an entirely new one. It is infuriating and while emailing back and forth the insurance agent today, I had to put down my phone. I was on overload and upset. I am upset because why buy this house to begin with, if the intention was to divorce me? I would have been happier in my apartment in Washington, DC without the numerous headaches I face on a daily basis! I can get so upset that I land up either talking to myself or screaming! 

My parents are unable to help me. They also are unable to process anything I am saying to them! Which means I am captaining this ship ALONE. Where I once could show and get help on significant paperwork from my dad or my other half, I now face the reality of figuring out everything for myself. It is daunting, stressful, and the anxiety each day becomes layered. One on top of the other, and the other, and the other. In fact, if I get upset or seem frazzled this makes my mom so upset that she starts shaking in fright. So clearly, as I go through this mortgage process, I have to shield my parents from the daily stresses this causes. As you can imagine, they are very upset and devastated by my divorce and the never ending cascade of consequences.  

Wednesday, April 29, 2026

Wednesday, April 29, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old. It was Easter and we took Mattie out to lunch at his favorite restaurant. I truly did not know they were going to have a life sized bunny! At first Mattie was scared when this big furry creature approached him, but once I explained that the bunny was friendly, Mattie was less anxious. Mattie posed with the Easter Bunny and even held his hand. Mattie was far braver than me. Because at Mattie's age, I would have dove under the table and I would have stayed there until the bunny moved away!

Quote of the day: Confidence, courage and determined spirit are vital for surviving hard times. ~ Lailah Gifty Akita

This morning, I woke up at 6am. I was determined to get through to the IRS telephone system. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it, but I wasn't giving up! Believe me, I can understand why someone would give up, because the automated phone system is a nightmare. It is NOT user friendly, you can go around in circles forever, and never get through to a live person. Instead, the system either disconnects you or directs you to their website. Which is useless if you have a specific problem!

I have been working with three different IRS telephone numbers. I gave up totally on the main number. I couldn't figure out how to break through the system to get a live person. Believe me I tried! I remember when I was a kid, my lifetime friend Karen and I played a video game that I no longer remember the name of.... Karen will, she's good like that. The point of the game was to figure out clues in order to collect items that could be used to get you out of whatever location the video person was trapped in. I can't tell you how we would work on different scenarios in order to find a way out! I felt like getting through to the IRS phone system requires similar skills. 

Turns out the only number that I found helpful, was the IRS help center. Once I called it, I refused to answer the automated questions and instead said to the system.... I need to schedule an appointment. That got me in around 7am. While waiting an hour on the phone in a cue, I eventually spoke to a person. I told her my issue and she put me in a cue to talk to the refund department. I waited in the cue for an hour and 30 minutes. You want to know what happened? I then got disconnected. I was livid. By that point, I had to get my dad up, showered and dressed. But then at 10am, I started the process again, using three different phones. Not every call goes through! If there are too many people calling or too many in cue, the system literally hangs up on you. Around 10:15am, I got in with one of the phones. I was literally in a cue for two hours! Finally someone answered the phone. I lucked out.... I got the A team, or as I told her.....the IRS angel! She laughed, and was flattered. 

After 4.5 hours on the phone today, I learned that this was an erroneous check which I need to send back. The IRS angel said to me.... your parents are so lucky to have such a bright and persistent daughter. I am sure the majority of people who get a check cash it. But I knew cashing a check would have ramifications on this year's taxes! I was correct! So I feel very happy that I can put this issue to bed. 

While trying to get through to the IRS today, I also got a call back from Fairfax County. I left a message yesterday to try to get down to the bottom of the closing fees my bank is quoting me for a mortgage assumption. Seriously what the bank quoted me to assume the mortgage (of which I am already on!) is enough to make one physically and emotionally sick! Today, I met a county angel, and I have her direct phone number. She assured me that the state and county fees won't apply to me because I am already on the mortgage. This is important for me to know and verify independent from the bank. So two big phone calls today, and though none of this may seem earth shattering..... it is to me. I am accomplishing tasks that I never thought I was capable of doing independently. 

Tuesday, April 28, 2026

Tuesday, April 28, 2026 --  Mattie died 843 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. Mattie was three years old! I am so glad I snapped this photo, because it captures all the amazing set ups in our living room. Mattie loved to design all sorts of configurations with his train tracks and then of course run trains and cars along the lines! Of course no photo would be complete without his famous sippy cup of milk!

Quote of the day: Some days you will feel like the ocean. Some days you will feel like you are drowning in it. ~ Lora Mathis

I was making headway with my dad's pressure sores. But given his extensive incontinence, even with silicone foam wound dressings covering his sores, one sore opened back up today. I feel like I am on a constant treadmill, with things never stabilizing. In fact, it was a day in which I was constantly on the telephone.... dealing with mortgage questions, medical bills, insurance companies, and let's add the IRS. 

My parents received a check in the mail from the IRS. This is not something we were expecting. So naturally I was suspect. Their accountant can't explain it and naturally my head jumped to..... it has to be a fraudulent check. Any case, there is a website to validate IRS checks to make sure they actually come from the US treasury. So the check is legitimate, but then I had to call the IRS because my concern is if we cash it, what are the consequences on this year's taxes. 

Have you ever tried calling the IRS? If you haven't, GOOD FOR YOU! If you are like me and need to talk to a live person, my heart goes out to you! This is an agency that is very good at tracking what payers owe them, and holding them accountable, but good luck if you need answers and help from them. It is truly amazing, the amount of money taxpayers dole out each year, and one would hope with all this money, that the system would want to help the taxpayer! 

I spent over an hour using three phones, trying to get through to the IRS. It is an absolutely infuriating system, in which you are talking to an automated service that either hangs up on you or directs you to their website..... as if that is going to help, instead the website provides NO SPECIFIC support. General information, sure, but NOTHING that will help guide you through your own problem and issue! 

I then found an IRS help center near my home. The information on-line says to call the help center number to request an appointment. That's even funnier than calling the main IRS phone number. What happened when I did this.... I got a recording that said: "Your call can't be completed at this time. Call again later." I did this repeatedly!

So I can't get through the main line, I can't get through to the help center, the portal is no help, so tomorrow I am showing up at the physical help center to see if I can make an appointment. I waste more time on trying to solve problems during the day and the pressure is just overwhelming. 

Meanwhile, each day, I field mortgage questions. Recap, I have to legally assume my mortgage and remove my other half from the mortgage. Today's question was hysterical. The lender wants to know how I am actually managing and living without money coming into me directly through work, government support or alimony. An excellent question! Any case, I am so sick of being judged for not having an income that I snapped today. I literally said to him.... "I am sure you think I sit on the couch and eat bon bons all day. But I assure you, I am working around the clock caring for my parents and helping children with cancer. In fact, I have been helping children with cancer for 17 years now, and haven't asked for a $1 for my work."  If you read last night's blog, then you know my mortgage fellow's name is Jesus. He is lovely and he listened to me today and is truly trying to help me with this daunting process. I have worked for the Foundation for free all these years, because I was married, and it gave me the opportunity to devote my time and attention to building something that honors Mattie's memory and helps other children in the process. If I knew I was going to get divorced 17 years ago, would I have made other decisions so that I had financial stability? Probably! But despite the fact that in society's eyes I am deemed not successful, success to me is measured not by the dollars earned but by the impact you make on others' lives. 

Monday, April 27, 2026

Monday, April 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003. Mattie was one! I loved this photo so much that I printed it out and it was framed and attached to our refrigerator in Washington, DC. As Mattie grew and then was able to walk independently, he LOVED looking at this photo! He was amazed that he was so small then and had to hold onto furniture to stand up! To me this photo was priceless and as Mattie continued to grow, I would snap photos by this coffee table, so he could see his progress!!!

Quote of the day: Strong people don't put others down... They lift them up. ~ Michael P. Watson

If I had to list ALL that I have had to learn since I got separated, you may not believe it! I went from a woman who wasn't responsible or knowledgeable about finances or managing things in the household, to a person who does it all. I don't claim to be brilliant, but I most definitely am defined by persistence, commitment, and perseverance. If I did not have these characteristics, there is no way I could have written a dissertation and have obtained a PhD. 

Last week, I began the painful process of learning how to take over my mortgage for the house. For the last year and a half, I left my other half on the mortgage because I truly was OVERWHELMED financially, emotionally, and physically. NOT that I am in any better shape now, but legally I have to remove him from my mortgage. So who is going to help me? I have learned the answer to this question since 2023 has been.... me, myself, and I! The only one responsible for me, my future, and destiny is me. I can't consult with my parents (as they are not cognitively able to help me) and certainly I no longer have my other half, who I relied on for everything. 

So I therefore contacted my lending company. When I spoke to the agent last week, and you will love this, his name is Jesus (fitting no?--- as I need lots of miracles), he gave me several assignments over the weekend to pull documents and information together. I then made the decision to continue working with Jesus and arranged for a call today to start the application process. Why hadn't I done this process before now? After all, I have been divorced since October 31, 2024. The simple answer is I just couldn't mentally take this on. But the second and very important reason is the cost. Even though I am assuming the mortgage of my own home (of which I have always been on the mortgage), the state and county closing fees are insane. I am not exaggerating, when I say insane, I mean INSANE! In addition, the lender requires me to pay the closing costs in full at the time of closing. Any one who thinks there are any benefits to divorce, should speak to me! There are NONE (keep in mind I am speaking for myself, I can imagine there are MANY valid reasons for people getting a divorce). 

Besides divorce being an emotional nightmare wrapped into a self identity catastrophe, there is also a big financial toll. Starting with legal fees and the list goes on. I literally feel like I have had to face just about everything in this process, in that I could now advise other women. But at the end of the day, what gets me the most is that my beautiful marriage has ended in ridiculously expensive transactions. Any case, Jesus was a blessing today. We were on the phone together for two hours and he walked me through the 90 day process. All I can say is GOD HELP ME over these next couple of months!