Thursday, September 24, 2026

Thursday, September 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We drove up to New York City, to consult with another oncologist about Mattie's diagnosis and treatment plan. In between hospital visits, we tried to do fun things with Mattie. That afternoon, we took him to the famous FAO Schwarz! Mind you, I grew up in NY, and I never went to this store! I only saw it depicted in movies, so it was an experience for both of us! As I always said, Mattie opened up a whole new world for me. 

Quote of the day: Determination that just won’t quit—that’s what it takes. ~ A.J. Foyt

I came across tonight's quote today, and it resonated with me. I would say determination is the key word for any family caregiver. Each day, we face challenges, things that not only test our patience, but at times could break us. Yet we regroup and carry on, because people rely on us. But it comes at a price and we will eventually pay a toll for this stress and exhaustion. 

This morning, I had to take my dad for his podiatry appointment. He sees this doctor every 9 weeks. Regardless of the day or time, without fail, my dad always has an irritable bowel attack.... either while in the car, or walking to the office, or both. Today was NO different, which was why I told my mom that she needed to stay at home. I truly can't manage my mom and my dad at the same time at these appointments. 

Given the intense clean up I did at the doctor's office, I thought the worst was over for the day. WRONG. This office is run by a husband and wife doctor team. My dad sees either one of them! However, starting this summer, the wife has taken a leave from the practice because she is juggling two small children at home. I was talking to the husband today and asked how his wife was doing. His response was.... "she rather be at the office!" He said being home 24/7 is much harder than working outside of the house. I of course listened and tried to be supportive. 

Having raised Mattie full-time, and then worked outside the house at night while my other half was home, I know first hand how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom. I think people feel staying home is easy, that we do not have the stresses of working. WRONG! Our work is around the clock and we aren't compensated for our work. Of course while hearing this doctor lament, a part of me wanted to say...... do you know how lucky you are? You have two healthy children and an intact marriage! From my lens, all other problems are manageable, fixable, and together can be solved. 

After the appointment, I drove home, and once again, had to fully change my dad. So that is three changes in under two hours. I dealt with the laundry and then took my parents out to lunch. Sure enough, while at lunch, my dad went two more times. It was so bad, the second time, that it was all over him and his clothes. Thankfully I travel with garbage bags, as I had to bag his clothes, and once he was cleaned up and back at the table, I went to the car and stored the soiled clothes in the trunk. I won't tell you what my car smelled like when I returned to it! I literally drove home with all the windows down. 

It is 6:30pm, and I feel like I have gone ten rounds today! So I am hoping to regroup and that tomorrow is a better day.  

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

Wednesday, September 23, 2026

I will never forget this photo! It was taken on the first day of kindergarten in September of 2007. It was an exciting and daunting time, because this was Mattie's first experience being gone from home for half of the day. I snapped this photo to commemorate the occasion and I was hoping to capture every first day of school in the future, to be able to compare them throughout the years. Of course that never happened, because the next year Mattie was undergoing cancer treatment. 

Quote of the day: Don’t mistake exhaustion for weakness. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is rest, and let your roots deepen unseen. ~ Lawrence Nault

Last night, I received a text message that my former mother-in-law's brother died. Dave has been battling prostate cancer for years. He was a military man, who survived the Vietnam War, was a volunteer fire fighter, a musician, a certified plumber, a lover of animals, and a family man. I met Dave when I was in college, and you know when you immediately connect with someone, well that was us. 

When I became separated, I had the opportunity to talk to Dave on the phone. I admit I was distraught. He tried to put things into perspective for me. First, he asked, do I really want to be with someone who doesn't value me? But then he said, his divorce was the best thing that happened to him, because it allowed him to eventually find his second wife and life partner. Together they built a fulfilling and beautiful life together. What he said to me, remains with me today. When I heard that he died, I sent a message to his wife, because I wanted her to know the extent of our conversation back in 2023, as I thought she needed to know that she was the best thing that happened to him and his life. 

It was another 5:30am rising today, as Bob my electrician was coming back to rewire my kitchen lights. This is day two of this process. As I said to Bob tonight..... and then there was light! 

Today marks the third anniversary of my separation. This may sound ridiculous to you that I acknowledge this day, but to me, it is a day I will never forget. I can visualize and feel it like it were yesterday. That day marks when my life permanently changed forever. It happened, I am not sweeping it under the rug, and I am left dealing with the consequences. 

I received this beautiful hand crafted teapot card in the mail today, from my friend in England. We share a similar nightmare and in the card was a tea bag. She said if we were together, we would sit, have a cup of tea and a good "old natter."

In addition to everything else, I had to take my parents to the hospital today for their 10am doctor appointments. The stress of trying to get both of them up and out the door in time, is a lot, while also balancing Bob. But I did it. By 4pm, I felt depleted, had a sore throat, and couldn't keep my head up. So I did what I never do! I went upstairs to my bed, sat on the bed with a heating pad, and fell asleep for an hour. Physically and emotionally I needed to regroup. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2026

Tuesday, September 22, 2026 -- Mattie died 864 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of treatment. We were home between hospital visits and as you can see, Mattie was already on IV hydration at home. Sitting with Mattie, was Nurse Patches, our calico cat. Patches was an amazing cat and Mattie grew up with her. Given that we spent most weeks in the hospital, we made the difficult decision to board Patches at our vet. Patches spent over a year living at our vet's office. We elected to do this for her safety, as she needed daily medication and I wanted the peace of mind that she was getting the care she needed while we were fully focused on Mattie. But don't you know that one of Mattie's dying requests was to have Patches visit the hospital. The hospital would not allow this, which to this day, I find very upsetting. Patches would have been in her carrier, she was fully vaccinated, and she wouldn't be walking the hallways. I have no doubt that Mattie and Patches have now found one another. 

Quote of the day: Everyone is replaceable. But loyal people choose to not replace. ~ Garima Soni

Last night, I was making dinner. That horrible 1-800 number popped up on my phone! I thought I got rid of those calls! What am I talking about? I am talking about my mortgage company. I have endured practically daily and weekly calls from this company since May 1! I closed on the mortgage assumption on August 20, and it was my hope I would never see that 1-800 number again! HA, HA, HA!

My escrow agent was calling me to inform me she calculated my escrow shortage incorrectly! Instead, I now owe MUCH, MUCH more money! Seriously as she was talking to me, an immediate migraine ensued. I literally told her to stop talking, because I needed to sit down and get out paper and a pen as she was throwing numbers and data at me. NOT a good plan at 6pm! Any case, I was able to track her and all I can say is thank goodness I received a reimbursement check from my cancelled home owner's insurance policy (that I shared with my other half). Because I will need that money in order to help meet the shortage. 

Next steps is I have to figure out how to pay the rest of the shortage and then I have to call my escrow agent in October, at which point the bank will run another escrow analysis. I have gone from clueless in 2023, to knowing MUCH MORE than I care or want to know! I do not know how I cooked dinner last night, served it, and cleaned up, but I got it done. But I felt overwhelmed and when I feel this way, my natural instinct is to walk and move around. I certainly could do that if I was on my own, but I had two people waiting for dinner. So my angst was put on my mental shelf. 

This morning, I got up at 5:30am, because I had both a plumber and electrician coming over. I had to get up that early because not only do I have to get myself together, but I have to make sure my dad was up, showered, and dressed before anyone came over. I know full well that I can't answer questions and also manage my dad's morning routine at the same time. 

When things arise in the house, I try to address them quickly. Assuming they are not large ticket items. I also have a large ticket item list going, and given the mortgage assumption I have been enduring, NOTHING large is getting addressed. As tonight's quote points out, I happen to be one of these loyal people. Not just in my personal relationships but in all my connections. When we moved into the house in 2021, we worked with Bob (my electrician) and Cody (my plumber) for months! Yes there was a lot wrong with the house, and because we bought the house during COVID, we did not get a house inspection. Once we bought the house, we learned quickly that the whole house needed to be rewirer and there were major plumbing and HVAC issues. When you spend three or more months with contractors, you get to know them well. 

Why am I telling you this? I am telling you this because Cody left the company I have a service membership with, and so today, a different plumber, JR, came over. Cody recommended JR to me. JR was a peach, however, JR was also aware of my connection to Cody. Though I have asked to stay with Cody, and told him I would follow him over to his new company, Cody felt awkward about doing this, and he did not want to pressure me. Today, JR spoke in a language I understood. He basically told me that Cody is very fond of me and doesn't want to lose me as a customer. So clearly Cody and I were talking passed each other and though I thought I was making myself clear to him in text messages, today I spelled it out for him. Understand that Cody knows about Mattie, he knew my other half and everything that transpired, and he even asked his company to help fundraise for the Foundation. When Cody's son got sick, I provided insights and emotional support, and when Cody found out about my separation, he and his wife sent me flowers. So you are getting the picture. 

JR helped me today, fixed my dad's toilet, and he even showed me how to take apart a sink drain. Literally I did it while he was talking me through it! YES I like learning and being as independent as possible. So now I have JR's cell number too, in case I should ever need help and I can't get a hold of Cody. I have every cell number of every contractor that works with me, and they know I respect their time and boundaries. But if I have a problem, even at 10pm, I will be texting you. Thankfully they always respond. 

My electrical issue is much more significant. We learned today that the wiring in my kitchen is backward. Positive is negative, and negative is positive and it blew out one of the light switches. So Bob returns tomorrow to continue the work. My joke with Bob is, if it is in this house and he did not correct it in 2021, then you know you will need to correct it now. 

Monday, September 21, 2026

Monday, September 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2007. That weekend we took Mattie in a rowboat on the Potomac River. That was a usual weekend occurrence for the boys in the Fall. But that day, I was invited to tag along. Mattie wanted to show me his fishing skills. As you can see, he caught a catfish. So I had him pose for a photo with the fish before throwing it back into the water. I have to admit, I wasn't a fishing fan, but if it interested Mattie, I learned that it interested me too. 

Quote of the day: I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone. ~ Robin Williams

My friend in England, sent me the YouTube video series (below) to watch. She sent it to me because she and I are now alone. Not by choice, the decision was made for us. It is a very difficult loss after being married for decades. After all our other halves haven't died, they are very much alive.... they are what psychologists sometimes call, "present-disappearing." In any case, my friend introduced me to this woman who does a series on being single. Single for various reasons..... choice, divorce, or death. I have to admit the term single sets me off, as it is one thing for you to elect to be single, but quite another if this isn't how you envisioned your life. 

Since I became single, as my separation began on September 23, 2023, I had a sharp learning curve and major rude awakening. I had to learn everything from finances to house maintenance. The video below is about 15 minutes, and she lists 9 habits that flourish when you are single. I have to admit, I only got through maybe the first four or five. Not because I think what she is saying is incorrect, I stopped because I can only handle snippets of this reality. However, what I did listen to, resonated with me. Now that said, do I think you need to be single to have these characteristics and traits? NO! It is like saying I am a strong and courageous woman because I survived Mattie's cancer and death. I would like to think we can become strong and courageous without having such traumatic experiences. 

In the video, she mentions that being single means there are NO back ups, no one to do chores, no help with tasks, and no one to share and witness your good or difficult days. Instead, we have to prepare for problems and be resourceful. In fact, she says these habits that we develop turn into our super powers. Which made me laugh. Because we lost a significant other, we have to learn the art of self soothing, to achieve emotional stability. I never thought about it, but my afternoon tea (while doing chores), gardening, going on the treadmill, and even watching Hallmark movies are all consistent ways I self sooth. She says self sooth, I say..... my therapy. 

But what she said about support systems, was key. When I was married, my main support system was my other half. Not having this now, means I have to build connections everywhere else. The people I know at the frozen yogurt store, at Starbuck's, and the restaurants we go to...... she would consider them a part of my network. Building a community network, she would say, shows my resourcefulness. Her specific line is "loneliness is solved by familiarity, being known, human warmth threaded to other humans."

I certainly can absorb parts of this messaging, but given that I don't enjoy, value, or appreciate being single, it is harder to accept that this is me. I have been forced to take on roles, responsibilities, and a new future which I don't celebrate or find awesome, revolutionary, and rewarding. I share the video below, because if you are like me, navigating your life alone, some of what you hear may resonate with you.  

Sunday, September 20, 2026

Sunday, September 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. We were home between treatments and Mattie received this foam puzzle from his grandmother. We got it out the pieces, assembled it, and Mattie sat on top of it. I remember entitling this photo.... Mattie sits on top of the world. That brought a big smile to his face!

Quote of the day: If you want to be respected by others, the great thing is to respect yourself. Only by that, only by self-respect will you compel others to respect you. ~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Every Sunday, since 2021, I take my parents to the same restaurant. That is five years of weekly visits. By this point, one would hope we would be respected and appreciated. Today's dining experience got me so worked up that I wrote the letter below to the general manager of the restaurant. I used initials for people and the restaurant. Needless to say, whenever I feel disrespected, under valued, or ignored now, I become very vocal. I was always an advocate, but since my divorce, you will feel the full force of Vicki if I feel placated, ignored, or manipulated. 

Did I need to take the time to write to the general manager and his boss tonight? From a principle standpoint, I certainly DID! But the fact that I had to write this letter in the first place added to my anger. I give 1000% each and every day, and on a day that should be less taxing for me, wasn't it. 

--------------------------------------------

Dear E,

I am writing to you about my experience at your restaurant today. For thirty years, I have been a long time C customer, and I take my parents to your restaurant every Sunday for brunch. We have been dining weekly at your restaurant since 2021. Given my experience today, I felt like it merited a formal letter, because by the time I left your restaurant I was agitated, felt disrespected, and unappreciated.

Though I love C’s food, I am not a fan of your desserts. Your desserts consistently are a disappointment, because the quality of the desserts is not in line with the rest of your food. Given how we feel about your desserts, we order ice cream instead. When the ice cream was delivered to our table today, it looked like a cup of soup. There was some well-formed ice cream, but it was hard to see because most of the ice cream was melted in the cup. Normally I let this problem go, as this is a consistent problem from week to week, but today, I had enough. Each scoop of ice cream adds up and why should I pay for four scoops of melted ice cream? So, I sent the ice cream back and was told that a new set of scoops would come back out. Sure enough, the second set came out, and it looked just as melted as the ones I had sent back. 

By this time, I was frustrated and I asked for a manager. Er came over, and as usual, she handled it with grace and kindness. Er saw the problem immediately. Er sat down and listened, chatted with us, and did the right thing by removing the ice cream from our bill. However, because this is a consistent problem coming out of the kitchen, I told Er that I wanted to speak to your chef, Chef N. Er did go back into the kitchen, and I assumed the next person I was going to see was the chef. After all, each week we spend $X or more at your restaurant, and I would like to think that our loyalty is valued. Therefore, if I have an issue, I expect it will be taken seriously and addressed. Since the chef is responsible for all the food coming out of his kitchen, I felt it was important for him to see the lack of quality control from that is occurring from the kitchen to the customer.

To my surprise, Er came back to our table and told me that the chef was too busy and did not have the time to talk with me. I can assure you that the ice cream frustrated me, but after hearing that the chef would not take a few minutes to come and talk with me, I got very upset. Do note that the restaurant was not overwhelmed with customers by this point, so my request for his time was not unreasonable. Chef N sent out sous chef J instead. This also did not sit well with me. He did not send J out offering a message of apology or explaining why he could not come and speak with me directly. Instead, it appeared that he sent J out to placate me and to go through the motions. That was completely unappreciated. J was lovely, professional, and accommodating, everything that I would have hoped Chef N would be, and J was able to go back into the kitchen and bring out cold and well-formed scoops of ice cream.

I am a full-time caregiver to my parents. I choose to come to your restaurant each Sunday because it is a break for me from cooking and cleaning. Yet my one day off from cooking landed up with all of us being upset. Handling customer concerns and issues is not just a management issue; the Chef represents your food and needs to be held responsible. If a long-term customer asks to speak to your Chef, every effort should be made to accommodate this request. After all, if he came out even for five minutes, I would not have had to come home and take the time to write this letter to you. My time is just as valuable as Chef N’s.

Since ice cream service is a consistent problem at the restaurant, and I can safely say this, having ordered it each Sunday, this needs to be examined, discussed, and addressed. Customers dining at C’s expect a good presentation throughout the meal and this includes dessert. The lack of quality control from kitchen to table is a concern and what sticks with me about all of this is the I could tell the Chef thought my ice cream issue was trite and did not merit his presence. That attitude is unacceptable and how customers are treated does matter. I left your restaurant today very upset after spending over $X on a meal that ended very poorly. 

I look forward to hearing from you and hope that you will address my issues with Chef N. I would also like to know how the consistent melted ice cream issue is going to get resolved. Thank you for your time and attention to my concerns.

Saturday, September 19, 2026

Saturday, September 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was home between treatments and his best preschool buddy, Zachary, came over. Zachary brought over Indiana Jones hats and a whip. The irony was Mattie never saw one of Harrison Ford's movies, yet because Zachary loved the series, Mattie did too! They were an amazing duo, and I learned a great deal about friendship from these two young boys!

Quote of the day: We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect. ~ Anais Nin

At some point today, after juggling my usual responsibilities, I sat down at my computer and worked on composing a letter for my mom. One of my mom's teacher colleagues and friend is celebrating his upcoming 80th birthday. His wife has asked my mom to write down her memories and reflections of their time together. Seems like a simple request, no? The answer is NO, NO, and NO! Why do I say this? 

I say this because my mom has her own form of dementia. Certainly she functions a lot better than my dad, but what this exercise confirmed for me is that her ability to recall stories, moments in time, and feelings associated with those memories, are practically gone. So how on earth can she generate a letter, with no content?

Given that I felt pressure to submit something and my mom also wanted to participate, I had to strategize how I was going to do this? When we were living in New York, I was a child. Therefore I wouldn't be privy to their friendship and work together. I only knew snippets of things. So yesterday, I took out a pad of paper and sat down with my mom. I asked her to come up with ideas and thoughts and to just shout them out. I wrote down everything yesterday that she was expressing and then I tried to make sense of it. Today I turned it into a three page letter. I decided to generate a TOP TEN list of special qualities and under each item in the list, I elaborated with examples and commentary. 

The conclusion I came to, is I can write about anything at this point. I attribute my comfort with writing to Mattie's blog. When you write daily, about thoughts, feelings, and reflections, it is like exercising a muscle. My brain has gotten very good at flexing, bending, and being used to express all sorts of difficult, meaningful, and at times painful life experiences. As I always say, Mattie was my life's greatest teacher and it is funny how even writing a letter can illustrate this point. 

Here is an example from my top ten list. It is number 6:

#6.....Love of Children

One day, I brought my daughter, Vicki, to DeWitt Clinton High School. She had to be around 5 years old. You happened to be walking down the hallway and saw us. You came over to us, took Vicki’s hand, and together you walked the hallway and got to know one another. You always credit that special walk for your desire to have a child of your own. Naturally as Vicki’s mom, hearing that made me smile, then and even now. Your love for children and their development has guided all aspects of your life from teaching, your family, and running a successful teen tour company.

Friday, September 18, 2026

Friday, September 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. Mattie was in his second month of treatment at the hospital. Each of the rooms in the pediatric intensive care unit had windows out in the hallway. Seriously to me the room was like living in a prison and the window out into the hallway seemed to be a reminder that we were part of a institution and being watched. There was very little privacy, with people coming in and out of the room at all hours of the day and night! That particular evening, Mattie was getting stir crazy. So what did we do? We blew up gloves and Mattie had a puppet show through the window. Anyone in the hallway couldn't miss my six year old with dancing gloves in the window! The beauty of Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: What greater gift than the love of a cat? ~ Charles Dickens

This is Indie! We rescued her on Independence Day weekend of 2016. She is a Tortoise Shell cat, and if you know anything about this breed, they have Tortitude! Vocal, smart, and loyal! Indie was rescued from West Virginia and I fell in love with her face on the rescue site. She has been with me for ten years now. 

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I rushed home to try to capture Indie, place her in a carrying case, so I could take her to her annual vet check up. 

I have to admit that Sunny, the Australian Shepherd, was my boy, and Indie bonded with my other half. In 2023, I was left to manage Sunny (who had cancer), my parents, and learn to care and bond with Indie. We had an adjustment period, but as I say, Indie is smart, and she learned quickly.... I am it! She has to rely on me for food, love, care, and litter box maintenance (by the way she has TRAINED me well.... as she has two boxes that get cleaned daily). 

This photo of Indie was taken at night. Every night, after I get my parents into bed, Indie comes into my room, hops on the bed, and gets cozy right next to me. Together we watch a Hallmark movie. She has become my buddy. The funny part about her is while I am sleeping, she migrates right up to my head. She sleeps between my pillows and the pillows of my other half. 

One of the things I do not like is having to assemble Indie's carrying case and then capturing her and putting her in the case. But one of the things that happens when you live alone is you become very good at being organized and strategic. I have to be, as I don't have back up! So two days ago, I assembled the carrying case and put it in my closet. I did it while Indie was downstairs and couldn't hear what I was doing. The key to all of this is catching Indie by surprise! If she knows what is coming or gets fearful and I will be running all around the house trying to capture her. This morning, I took the assembled carrying case, covered it with my sweater, and placed it in another room. I know Indie's habits..... mid-morning, she goes back to my bedroom and sleeps on my bed. 

I literally had a conversation with myself while driving back from my dad's memory care center. I gave myself a pep talk. If I could figure out a divorce, a mortgage, and caregiving 24/7, I think I am capable of outsmarting Indie and getting her in her carrying case. So I got home, went upstairs, grabbed the carrying case, and calmly walked into my bedroom. Remember the carrying case had my sweater over it, so literally Indie did not put two and two together. I then went to close my bedroom door, and then revealed the carrying case. To which Indie freaked out. She tried to run around, but I caught her and got her in the carrying case. 

I happen to love Indie's vet. She is very competent, friendly, warm, and loves cats. Indie had a wonderful visit and examination and is doing well. They said they wanted to give her the "good cat award" today! But what saddens me is the cost of vet care. Today's wellness exam included blood work and a fecal test, and altogether, the bill was over $625. Naturally any animal owner does whatever we have to do to care for our fur babies, but the cost of care is so high, that I can't see owning a pet is affordable for everyone. That makes me sad! All I know is I am very grateful that Sunny and Indie were left behind and in my care, and anything in my care, gets my 100% attention. I miss Sunny every day, and I believe so does Indie. Do you know that Indie loves lying down on Sunny's dog bed (which is still in my family room)? They were good buddies right from day one (as you can see from this photo). When we brought Sunny home for the first time, Indie came downstairs, and they touched noses (yes I captured that moment on camera!). It was in that moment that we went from a family of two to a family of four. Sunny and Indie, may have been rescued, but they in essence rescued me.  

Thursday, September 17, 2026

Thursday, September 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2008. It was our second month in Mattie's cancer journey. Mattie's room felt like the size of a postage stamp with three people in it and a lot of medical devices and equipment. Yet that did not stop Mattie from creating, building, and playing. Truly his spirit was amazing, because I am quite certain if an adult faced what Mattie did, we most likely wouldn't have handled it so well and I am quite certain we wouldn't have felt much like smiling.

Quote of the day: Feeling lost, crazy and desperate belongs to a good life as much as optimism, certainty and reason. ~ Alain De Botton

I have been communicating back and forth today with my dad's memory care center. I felt the need to reach out to them because my dad says he "hates" going. When I ask him to elaborate on that feeling, he can't! My dad's go to line is..... "I don't know!" That may not sound bad to you, but when you hear this all the time, it can get overwhelming. To say that he hated something seemed like a very strong reaction to his experience. Which was why I contacted the Center. We have been chatting about this for two days.

It turns out the decline that I am seeing in my dad, they are also seeing at the Center. They are seeing that my dad isn't interest in participating in all the activities he once used to like (such as seeing short videos, playing games, and other cognitive games and quizzes) and he is doing a lot of dozing instead. The dozing is a new occurrence at the Center. They did not want to assume that his behavior at the Center was due to memory decline, so when I contacted them, it got the ball rolling, so that we could evaluate the issues from both angles. 

We are now on the same page, my dad is progressing out of moderate stage dementia into the final phase. This final phase scares me to no end because it is in this phase that people are unable to walk and eat. I literally can't think about this as his caregiver. I instead have to take it one day, week, and month at a time. The Center has asked me to consider placing my dad in a different classroom at the Center, one that is more geared to address his issues. I have asked them whether we can try this new room for a week and re-evaluate how it is going. 

On top of that, I am once again facing an issue with the shared drive on my computer. This is a system my other half established years ago, because we work with large foundation files and data, and it is the most efficient way to back it up. But today, I went to look at photos and don't you know it.... ALL my folders were empty! Unlike the last time this happened, I now know where they go.... they get dumped without my knowledge to a recycling bin. So I did not panic as much this time around, unlike last year when this first happened! I also have an external drive which holds all my photos, because if I lost Mattie photos, I think I would jump right out the window. So once again, I am moving photos out of the recycling bin and putting them where they belong, but the problem is I don't know why this is happening. I hate technology and when things like this happen, my other half was always my immediate tech support. Now I am on my own, and frankly it is a daunting place to be. 

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

Wednesday, September 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and this photo was snapped of us while we were doing computer time. On occasion, we would sit down and go to educational sites on the internet to read stories, look at numbers and words, and learn to put letters and words together. In addition, PBS had a kids site and there were many sing-a-longs on that site. Mattie loved the TV show, Jay Jay the jet plane, and I can't tell you how many times we sang all those songs together. We would sing, I would bounce Mattie up and down on my lap, as if he was flying around on a jet plane. HE LOVED IT! 

Quote of the day: If you’re searching for a quote that puts your feelings into words – you won’t find it. You can learn every language and read every word ever written – but you’ll never find what’s in your heart. How can you? He has it. ~ Ranata Suzuki

Sometimes I go back in time by looking at the blog. The blog is an historical account of my last 18 years! During this same week in 2021, we were united, working together to renovate the house, decorate it, and getting it ready for us to move my parents in with us in December of 2021. 

Back in September of 2021, we found the perfect spot to hang, Mattie's Mr. Sun! This sun is in a prominent hallway in the house, so everyone can see it. This painting was actually created by Mattie and his art teacher in 2008. She invited him to her studio while he was battling cancer. They worked together for several weekends, and finally I got to see the amazing product. Needless to say, when Mattie died, Mr. Sun, served as the inspiration for his Foundation's Logo.

The logo! Notice that the sun has 7 rays! Each ray represents one of Mattie's years on this earth!

The other project we worked on together in September of 2021, was arranging and hanging my Wall of Mattie. These wonderful photos were a Mother's Day gift to me in 2012. We had them up in the apartment in the city, and when we moved into the house, I wanted them lining this long wall. When we moved into this house, I envisioned our life going a certain way, I would never have guessed how we landed up and honestly my brain struggles with this daily. 

Normally I go grocery shopping on Fridays. But this Friday, Indie has her annual vet appointment. I admit that I do not like capturing Indie, putting her in her carrying case, and taking her to the vet. It is traumatic for both of us. While out shopping today, I decided to stop at Lowe's first, as I wanted to buy a few pansies and mums for my side door. Everything by that door was looking straggly from the summer heat. Here is what it looks like now. 

It is not a big change, but I find pansies are a happy flower and it is the little things that can perk up one's day. 

Tuesday, September 15, 2026

Tuesday, September 15, 2026 --- Mattie died 863 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2003. Mattie was a year and half old and was given this fire engine as a gift from his paternal grandparents. Mattie loved all kinds of vehicles, so this gift made sense for Mattie. Though it was a ride-on toy, Mattie preferred pushing it himself or washing it! As a new mom, my first attempt was to lift Mattie into the seat and show him how it moved. NOT A GOOD PLAN! I learned quickly with Mattie.... he wanted to explore the world in his own way. Therefore I learned to follow his lead. When I say he was my greatest teacher, I am NOT kidding. 

Quote of the day: Just as despair can come to one only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings. ~ Elie Wiesel

This morning, my dad and I had a conference call with his neurosurgeon nurse. She has been following my dad's case since December of 2025. Last December, my dad had a brain bleed. I can't account for how this happened to him, as he did not fall on my watch and his memory care center doesn't report a fall either. My dad had no marks, scratches or bruising. Nonetheless, I brought him to the ER last year because he was slurring his speech and was more disoriented and confused than normal. They did a CT scan in the ER, and that was when we found out about the pooling of the blood in the brain. 

Since that time, we have been getting CT scans every three months, to track the blood/fluid, it the hope that it will all get reabsorbed. Today, the nurse explained that the amount of fluid pooling in the brain is the same in comparison to his May CT scan. I believe she and the doctor were hoping that more fluid would have been absorbed by now. Yet given my dad's age, she says it is not unusual for the fluid never to disappear. The goal of course is to have no falls or injuries which could cause the pooling of fluid to increase. She also mentioned that patients in their 80s and 90s, can have spontaneous bleeding, as the skull remains the same shape over time, but the brain shrinks. As it shrinks, the blood vessels in the brain can get stretched and pop, causing pooling of blood. Any case, they want my dad to have another CT scan in January of 2027. So the process continues. 

Later this morning, I called my mortgage company. NO this issue hasn't been put to bed yet! It feels like it will never end, nor will the stress of paying for this hateful process. Naturally whenever I deal with this (which is daily and for months), it makes me reflect on my hateful divorce. Any case, once I assumed the mortgage, I had to purchase a whole new home owner's insurance policy in my name. The insurer sent the policy paperwork to my mortgage company, as this yearly insurance fee gets wrapped into my escrow. Now there is a word, I despise with grand proportion. Why? Because the escrow NEVER stays the same. The only consistent thing for my escrow is it goes up in price significantly every year. 

If you are like me, you are asking, what is an escrow and what is an escrow shortage? I know I always heard these terms, but since I wasn't the financial person in my family, I didn't understand the full ramifications. But just like everything else, I have had a crash course in reality. A mortgage escrow account stores and collects your estimated property taxes and home owner's insurance from your mortgage payment each month, and pays them when they are due. This process protects both you and your mortgage lender from the risk of your taxes not being paid. An escrow shortage is when your mortgage company finds that your account balance has dropped below the required minimum cushion. This occurs only if you have an escrow account tied to your mortgage, and if local tax rates or insurance premiums go up. Homeowners who pay their own taxes and insurance premiums directly—or those whose local costs remain completely flat—never experience an escrow shortage. I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to have completely flat local costs. It NEVER happens! 

All I know is after this hour long call today, in which I spoke to an escrow agent and an agent from the department that oversees homeowner insurance payments, my head was spinning. Both women were lovely, but provided different information. Needless to say, I am glad I called, because the mortgage company was unaware of my new home owner's policy and this policy definitely changes my escrow and the shortage. DELIGHTFUL. So now I wait a week, to get new correspondence from the mortgage lender about my updated escrow shortage. Just like with my mortgage assumption, I was quoted a vast range of fees. So I remain on pins and needles until the exact escrow shortage amount is calculated. Seriously, the financial pressures are overwhelming and this isn't the only thing I face on a daily basis. Each day, I always say to myself.... may tomorrow be a better day. Fortunately I am not holding my breath, because if I did, I would be dead.