Monday, August 17, 2026

Monday, August 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. Mattie was three years old and we were visiting Los Angeles. My mom got Mattie a toy! However, notice what Mattie was playing with...... not the toy but the box! Totally a Mattie Brown move! Mattie gravitated to boxes and boxes were typically incorporated into his play schemes. As he got older, he loved decorating and building with boxes. Boxes of all shapes and sizes! Which was why, when Mattie was hospitalized and getting cancer treatment, all of his psychosocial providers knew to SAVE all packing boxes for Mattie. 

Quote of the day: Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. ~ Viktor Frankl

Over the next couple of days, I will be facing the final steps to closing my mortgage assumption. It has been such a hard journey, that I now have to retrain myself not to feel anxiety and have my heart pounding over the phone ringing at all times of the day or be paranoid about emails popping up in my inbox! This process was non-stop stress and pressure and I got conditioned over these four months to jump whenever they called or emailed demanding more materials or information. I can't wait until this hurdle is completed and to know that there will be no outsiders interfering with the safety and security of my housing. 

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center and running chores, I came home and in between doing bouts of laundry, I sat down to focus on completing another continuing education course for my license renewal. So that is three more hours completed, toward my required 40 hours! Thankfully I have until July 2027 to do this, but the goal I set for myself is to be over 30 hours by August. I am currently at 28 hours completed! Seriously I have no idea how I even got to 28 hours, because juggling what I do in any given day, makes it hard to focus. But there are things I will not compromise on.... one is my license (as I worked hard to get it in the first place) and two, my physical health. 

The next issue I am facing are mosquitos! This is the first year these pests are coming into the house and biting my parents. I treat the yard for mosquitoes, so I called the company today and told them..... it's not working! I can't tell you how many I killed in the house today and I know they are flying in whenever I open the doors. I sprayed by the doors this afternoon because when my dad gets bites, all he focuses on is scratching his skin off! While outside spraying, I decided to cut back my roses. Some people need to scream for therapy, I just need to get my hedge trimmer and start cutting away at things. This is the beauty of the spring and summer..... I can escape to my garden! 

Sunday, August 16, 2026

Sunday, August 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2004. Mattie was two years old and was in Los Angeles visiting my parents. It was a yearly tradition, in which we would spend two weeks with my parents every August. Mattie loved California and he especially loved visiting at winter time, because Mattie's favorite place to be was outside, in nature. I look at this photo now, and it is hard to believe that Mattie is gone, that my dad is no longer the person he used to be, and let's not even talk about the loss of the person who took this photo of us.  

Quote of the day: Cooking is the ultimate giving. ~ Jamie Oliver

The man in orange was a student of my mom's many years ago! I have known Gary since I was in middle school! So we go back a long time. Gary has never lost touch with my mom and while he and his wife were in town, they came over today to visit. We had a lovely time chatting and eating. Apparently my frittata and lemon/blueberry loaf were hits! 

When I asked my mom where she wanted to me to serve brunch today, she voted on the dining room. Originally I was going to serve us at the kitchen table, but my mom wanted it to be special. Since we are always eating in the kitchen, I agreed with her. So last night, I set the table, I assembled several bouquets of roses together from my garden and the the table looked very inviting. My goal was for it to be a special visit for my mom and for people to feel relaxed and enjoy a meal together. 

Of course my dad was up to his usual irritable bowel tricks, and I jumped up three times from the table to manage his needs. Given that brunch was a lot easier to serve, let's say than a big holiday meal, jumping up and down worked. 

Gary and Lisa dropped their son off at college, which was why they were in town. I am not sure milestones like this will ever be easy for me to hear. As it is a very painful reality that Mattie never made it passed age 7, and so many special moments and memories that other families share, I missed. I certainly can be mature and sensitive enough to appreciate these milestone moments for others, but at the same time, I am human and have deep feelings. 

On another note, check out this cutie. She was in my front yard yesterday! I can't see this beautiful sight without thinking of the film, Bambi, and of course, that I can't think of the movie Bambi without thinking of my Mattie. Funny how all things lead back to my Mattie Brown!
 

Saturday, August 15, 2026

Saturday, August 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. This was what our summers used to look like, as every August, I would take Mattie to California to visit my parents. Though my parents lived in Los Angeles, we would drive to San Diego for an adventure for a few days. One of the places Mattie absolutely loved visiting there was Legoland. I am so glad I did not wait to take Mattie on planes and on trips, because in our case tomorrow never came. 

Quote of the day: Cooking is one of the great gifts you can give to those you love. ~  Ina Garten

I took my parents to a restaurant in Great Falls, VA that I have been going to for years. I can't tell you how many wedding anniversaries and birthdays I celebrated in this spot. So it holds bittersweet memories for me. In fact, I don't like hearing about weddings and anniversaries also make me jumpy. But since my parents were celebrating their 66th anniversary, I wanted to make it special for them. Unfortunately my dad no longer remembers his anniversary, he doesn't recall his wedding, or any thing about that day in 1960! Keep in mind that he thinks we are in the month of January right now! If I sat with his memory issues long enough, it could be very upsetting, but truly given my own heartbreak with my marriage, I do not have the bandwidth to process my daily dementia nightmare. 

Yesterday evening I washed and blow dried my mom's hair for the occasion. She no longer is able to wash her own hair. I knew she'd feel better about herself if her hair looked nice, and I am so glad I made the time to do this. I may not be able to afford gifts for my parents, but it is the daily things that I do, which hopefully make a difference. 

One of the managers at the restaurant brought us over champagne and this wonderful dessert. I am a huge meringue fan and under the meringue was homemade chocolate ice cream. 

On Sunday, one of my mom's former students will be in town with his wife. I learned about this two days ago. In any case, after taking my parents out today, I came home and prepped breakfast items for tomorrow. If you know me, then you know if you visit, I will be feeding you. 

I got out my cookbook and was busy for hours. When I moved into this house in 2021, I had recipes and notes about cooking all over the place. My other half took it upon himself to organize it all by category and made this wonderful binder for me. How on this green earth can I have the binder, and yet not be married?

I baked a lemon blueberry loaf tonight, with a fresh lemon glaze. I happen to love this and can't quite determine if it is a bread or a dessert. Nonetheless to me fresh blueberries and lemon are a wonderful combination. 

I put together a fruit plate! Do you see the grapes? They are called moon drops. I found them at the grocery store this week, and as soon as I saw the word MOON, they were calling my name. 

Ironically this ceramic plate (with ceramic fruit handles) was given to us as a wedding gift. Again, how on earth do I still have the platter, but am divorced? I am not sure I will ever accept this reality, mainly because I always loved my other half. 

I then baked a spinach, shallot, cheddar and parmesan cheese frittata! Frittatas, to me, always taste better the next day when reheated!

Friday, August 14, 2026

Friday, August 14, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point, we knew that Mattie's situation was grave. Mattie was in the child life playroom that day and he was surrounded by child life volunteers, many hospital friends, and pictured here with Mattie was Liz. Liz was one of the guest artists who volunteered at the hospital. We got to work with her several times over the course of Mattie's treatment. She loved working with Mattie, as she felt he was very creative. Liz created poetry with the children and their families. Case in point, an example of what she and I created together is below. It is entitled, Intensive Care. 

Created in March of 2009

Intensive Care

Storage, or an assigned room, would be nice:
Room at an inn,
For the times we know we’ll be back
For our child’s treatment.

Always moving in, or moving out:
Sharing the same bathroom,
Showers away from home,
The difficult parking…

All I want is a room with a view;
Anything to look at but these blank walls,
The monitor; the steady drip of medicine,
Marching into battle.

Buzzers, bells, and footsteps.
Marking hours that mock time:
Sounds that my noise-maker drowns out
In a waterfall of rain, to wash away pain:
A blessing on my sleeping boy.

And I sit here, amazed at the maze of the hospital:
The noise…. Stuck here for months on end,
Wanting movement of any kind,
To multiply “Child Life” by ten,

Support groups: a place to meet other parents
That is not too small or cold….
Maybe, in my dreams, a terrace:
A garden for children to play in, to be with our son,
And breathe in open air.

For M’s parents, and for all…..

By Liz Pester, Studio G artist

Quote of the day: At any given moment you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end. ~ Christine Mason Miller

I love this quote because it most definitely applies to me! When my divorce settlement agreement was created, it gave me two years to assume my house's mortgage. I seriously put that whole notion on a shelf somewhere, and it was the furthest from my mind. Well until I was confronted about it this spring. Since my separation, my learning curve has been enormous and I have endured many, many more things that I have not reported on this blog. I'm quite sure if you knew the whole story, you would say.... really? This can't be real!

So on May 1, I put my brave and courageous hat on, and called my mortgage company to start the assumption process. Thankfully my house had an assumable mortgage, because if it didn't I most likely would have had to move. I can't tell you the terror and fear I have been living with since May! For four months, I have been anxious, because I did not know where I would be able to live and being responsible for my parents, it was a downright nightmare. Each day, I have been carrying this stress...... Will I get the assumption? Will I be able to afford the assumption process? and of course.... Will I have to move? Moving with my parents would truly be hell on earth, as they both have significant issues, making it close to impossible to show a house, pack up a house, and try to find a new place to live. Remember, I am the one who fell in love with this house and I should not have to be forced out of it. 

When my first assumption application was denied, I seriously thought I was going to lose it. But like tonight's quote points out..... THIS IS NOT HOW THE STORY IS GOING TO END! With every turn in my separation and divorce, when I hit a roadblock, I got creative about how to solve it. There are not too many people who would agree to sign onto a mortgage with me. Thankfully I have wonderful parents and former in-laws, all of whom stood behind me and were willing to help me secure my mortgage. 

Today, I learned officially that I will be closing on this nightmare next week and the original astronomic closing fee I was first quoted in June, is SIGNIFICANTLY less. Seriously today I felt like I won the lottery, because the initial closing cost would be dire for me. Dire because the financial hit I took during the separation and divorce process has been catastrophic. 

Just so you get a feeling for the timeline:

May 1: Applied for assumption

May 29: Denied

June 1: Applied a second time

July 15: I learned that the assumption was approved

July 25: Introduced to my closing agent

August 14: Final closing documents underway

August 20: Signing closing documents

What you can't tell from this timeline is the daily emails, requests, interviews, documents and other hoops I had to jump over since May! I will be grateful to have this monumental hurdle behind me, because juggling it on top of everything else I do, has been excruciating. 

Thursday, August 13, 2026

Thursday, August 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on August 13, 2009. It is hard to believe that less than a month later, Mattie died. I will never forget that August! As you can see Mattie's hair was beginning to grow back, 6 weeks off of chemotherapy. It was supposed to be Mattie's time to regain strength, relearn to walk, and return to school. Instead, he faced end of life care and a very painful death. Legos were our therapy. It was the one activity we all could do together, focus upon, and feel good about the end product. I can't tell you what a gift a Lego kit was because there were times when it was hard to know how to manage the exhaustion, the anxiety, the stress, and the fear. 

Quote of the day: It’s better to light a candle than curse the darkness. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

If I tried to describe today, it would be ridiculous! But it started with an alert from my credit card company at 7am. For me, that is the worst day to start the day! I have given up on the notion of having a stable day! I have to, because every day is a crisis or issue! It took my hours this morning to work on this credit card issue and I couldn't do in without interruption. As I had to get myself ready, chores done, breakfast made, get my dad up and showered, and be ready for my dad's physical therapist by 10am.

While my dad was busy with the therapist, I made phone calls. In between, I was getting calls from my service provider at my car dealership. They finished the extensive work on my car and I had to process that invoice and arrange for the car to be brought back to the house. Then I was interfacing with two people who were helping me care for the exterior of the house. Seriously if one more person wanted something from me today, I was going to blow. Oh and in between all of that, I cleaned bathrooms and vacuumed upstairs! 

By 2pm, I finally took my parents out to lunch. Sure enough, we sat down, and my phone rang! It was my mortgage closing agent, Sandy. But the call dropped while I was talking to her! I literally left my parents at the table, and went to my car to call her back. Trust me, whenever you try calling back.... you NEVER get the agent. Which is why when they call, you want to immediately pick up! However, my closing agent is a peach. I literally emailed her and told her to call me right back, and she did! She is so much nicer than my mortgage assumption application agent. Any case, Sandy needed my documentation for my home owner's insurance policy. Thankfully I am ten steps ahead of this process and was talking to my insurance agent two days ago, who sent me the current policy (which I need to change once I assume the mortgage.... don't get me started on that!!!), therefore I had it on my phone. Which made it super easy to send it to Sandy, as everything with this application process has deadlines! 

Needless to say, I have been enduring this horrific mortgage stress since May 1. Which entails constant phone calls, demands, and hurdles to jump. I think today's call, set my mom and me off. We had a miserable lunch and of course it is miserable not just because of the mortgage, but because of the way my life has been decimated. In the cruelest way possible. I literally had a meltdown at the restaurant and when I broke down saying that I had a future of being alone, no one will be caring for me if I get sick or worse have dementia, there won't be a Vicki. To which my dad said.... you always have your parents. Sweet comment, but delusional! 

When I write to my friend in England, who is dealing with similar issues, we always talk about two things.... one, being left behind after many years of a marriage can be confusing and at times we feel like we are going crazy. As we always saw the world one way, and now post divorce we see it wasn't any thing like we thought it was, and two, the depths of the pain, disillusionment, and feelings of being distraught can lead someone to die by suicide. My friend belongs to many groups dealing with our issues, and it is shocking, and yet not shocking, how many people can't handle the pain and end it. 

As I say every day, it takes a great deal of courage and strength to face each day, and to find a way forward. I mention these feelings above because this is just the tip of the iceberg of what is floating around in my head on any given day. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow is my parent's 66 wedding anniversary. I went outside in the garden this afternoon, and picked many roses to make two arrangements for them. These were roses planted for me by my other half, because I love roses. It is a bittersweet sight. 

How did my parents stay together for 66 years? Well there are many reasons. Naturally they love and respect each other, and they both are committed to their marriage. Which means that they always worked together to manage the many challenges they faced. My parents and my "former" in-laws have been married for decades and in my opinion....walking away from a long-term marriage shows a clear lack of courage, respect, and commitment... it is basically the easy and selfish thing to do!

Wednesday, August 12, 2026

Wednesday, August 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on August 12, 2009. It was taken 7 days after we learned Mattie's cancer diagnosis was terminal. It is surreal to think that this photo was snapped on this same date, only 17 years ago. Mattie was asked to use a spirometer to work and expand his lungs. In typical Mattie style, he wasn't going to try it without me doing it first. So that explains what you are seeing in this photo! When Mattie was 3-years-old (pre-cancer), he had occupational therapy sessions twice a week. The goal was to work on his sensory integration issues. I attended and participated in every session, which was why I was very used to the dynamic of trying things and playing along! We were a great team. 

Quote of the day: I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. ~ Robin Williams

Yesterday afternoon, my doorbell rang. Since the sun was up, I made the mistake of going to the door and answering it! This is another thing I miss about living in the city. There was no way you were getting to my apartment's front door without me letting you into the building. Here it is a free for all. Any case, I answered the door and it was a young man trying to push his pest control service on me. When I tell you he was very pushy, that is putting it mildly. Most of the times when people come to my door, I can get rid of them within seconds. This one wasn't taking NO for an answer. Instead, he wanted to walk around my property to show me all the ants that are moving about. 

I explained to this fellow that I am happy with my pest control service and have no bugs of any kind inside the house. He proceeded to tell me that I was being taken, because the ant traffic outside my house indicates poor treatment/service. He tried to get information from me such as how much I was paying in my service contract, and he even wanted to see the service contract. Given what I have endured with my separation and divorce...... if I feel uncomfortable and my radar goes off, watch out! 

Not only did I tell him I wasn't interested, that the conversation was going to be coming to an end, but I also told him that I was not switching my current provider. When he kept pushing back, asking me why I wasn't committing to his service, my response literally was..... you clearly don't know me! I don't make any decision quickly and when I have loyalty built up with one company, there is typically very little you can say to me to change my mind. In fact, after dealing with him, I called my service provider and we had a long talk! By the way, it is normal to see ants outside in the summer! So when people say things to you that DON'T make any sense.... trust your instincts! I am so annoyed with people coming to my door, I am thinking of getting a "no solicitations" sign for my front yard, because legally in our county if this is on display, no one can (or should) come to my door and solicit. 

Why am I telling you this? Well about an hour later, I got a joint text message from several women on my block. One neighbor was frightened terribly by this fellow, as she wouldn't open the door, and he kept pacing up and down her walk way and even pounded on her front door several times. I tried to calm her down and let her know what company he represented. In fact, I got his business card and I told my neighbor if he comes back, I will be calling the police and then his company. My neighbor is younger than me, but her husband is protective of her and therefore she doesn't interact with any service provider without him being present. Her husband is a lovely individual and devoted family man. This chatting back and forth with my neighbors just reminded me once again.... I am alone, and I have to look after myself and my own safety. It is all very humbling and sobering. 

Meanwhile, today, my car (with over 100,000 miles on it) went in for its six month service check up. I was expecting it to be a simple visit with just an oil change and break inspection. NOPE! Of course not! Instead, I learned that the car needs all new tires as well as the whole transmission needs to be disassembled and the issue addressed, as the car is shaking at higher speeds. The transmission issue will mostly be covered by my service agreement, once I meet the deductible, but the tires and wheel alignments is out of pocket. This doesn't come at a good time, given that I am trying to close on my mortgage assumption. If I tell you that all of this makes me MAD! I am not kidding, because being left after 35 years to manage everything alone is simply cruel. Like everything else, I will just take a deep breath and try to find a way forward. 

Tuesday, August 11, 2026

Tuesday, August 11, 2026 -- Mattie died 858 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken on August 9, 2009. Which was four days after we learned that Mattie's cancer diagnosis was terminal. Mattie's child life specialist, Linda, coordinated a special event for Mattie at our Lego store. This store was in our mall, and the event took place after hours, so no one else was in the store with us. Mattie got to meet these two Lego masters. They invited Mattie to pick out any Lego kit in the store, and they would build it together. But here is the funny thing about that..... over the course of that year in cancer treatment, we practically built every Lego kit in the store. Once the Lego masters heard this, they then invited Mattie to build something

that interested him. Mattie told them he wanted to create a NYC yellow taxi. So they diligently worked on that request together. To this day, this yellow taxi sits on the shelf in my office (see it?!). Mattie chose the NYC taxi because he loved them when he went for his experimental treatment at Sloan Kettering. 

Quote of the day: Letting go does not mean that you do not care about someone anymore. It is just realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself. ~ Deborah Reber

This morning I took my parents to their primary care doctor. This doctor checks in with us every six months. Seriously just getting my parents to the appointment, I felt like I went ten rounds. Especially since my dad's irritable bowel issues started in bed and migrated to the shower. It was a big clean up morning and it was my hope that this would be the end of it. NOPE! It continued at the doctor's office and then again after the doctor visit!

I was wise to bring Mattie's wheelchair with me today because there is just too much walking to this doctor's office. The office is located within a hospital building and getting to it is convoluted. The doctor is located on the fifth floor of the building, but the parking garage only goes up to the fourth level. So I have to park on level four, get into the building, find the elevator and then walk down a long hallway on the fifth floor to the office. I have done it before with my dad, and it isn't pretty. Put pushing my dad in a wheelchair is not an easy task either, while also juggling my mom, who need to hold onto me. 

The doctor told my parents today that they are doing so well because of ME! I take the compliments when I get them, and of course, my dad did not get it, and doesn't have the insight into all I do for them on any given day! In the appointment, the doctor was telling us about his cruise to Bermuda. He even showed us a few photos. He then said, he wanted to see photos from our next vacation. I stayed quiet but I thought to myself..... really? I can hardly manage the daily routine, and now you think we all can go on vacation?! Perhaps I could have attempted that when my other half was with me, but now FORGET IT!!! 

This is what I love about doctors! Though this doctor knows all my dad's health issues, I somehow think he believes my dad is more put together and functions better than he actually does. After all, my dad is always clean, well groomed, and his clothes are well put together! Does this doctor think my dad showers and dresses himself? I honestly do not know what he thinks, but what I do know is venturing far from home is not in the cards for me. Certainly caregiving plays a big role in this decision, but the other part of me is devastated. My divorce has left me distraught and as such I have no desire to explore anywhere beyond my comfort zone. Will it always be this way? I truly don't know, because for me I married my first love, a man I met when I was 19, and we grew up together. Getting divorced was like someone removing one of my limbs. Yes I am still alive and I can definitely learn to function with three rather than four limbs, but life as I once knew it is gone.... which saddens me beyond description.

Meanwhile, my phone rang today! I knew the number.... it was my mortgage assumption closing agent. Despite being out with my parents, I answered the phone because I know if I didn't it would be hard to connect with Sandy later in the day. Sandy gave me the update and apparently a notary is coming to my home next week to officially process closing documents. I still do not know the closing fee, which is making me extremely nervous, but at least this hellish process will be over soon. I have been dealing with this since May 1. It consumed and ruined my summer, as I have fielded constant phone calls, demands, interviews, and the list goes on. That is of course after being denied in my first application and then having to start the process all over again. It has been three very stressful months and of course the problem with all of this was this house was supposed to be our new chapter together. What a chapter, what a nightmare! 

Monday, August 10, 2026

Monday, August 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. Mattie was so excited to get "Speedy Red," a ride-on vehicle, which he named. For years Mattie wanted such a vehicle and my response was always.... NO! But it is amazing how your perspective and priorities change when cancer is part of the equation. Given that I knew Mattie's diagnosis was terminal at that point, I was going to do whatever it took to make his last days as manageable and happy as possible. What I really learned throughout Mattie's journey was that all Mattie needed was ME! My presence in his life and journey, 24/7, made a difference. It did not change the outcome, but it definitely impacted his quality of life over those 14 arduous months. 

I was very nervous about Mattie driving Speedy Red in our commons area. I wasn't sure if Mattie would crash into a wall or whether the car would topple over. So for his first couple of driving attempts, I squeezed into the passenger side! I gave Mattie instructions and coached him, but in all reality, Mattie was a natural. He intuitively understood how to use a gas pedal and brake. Mattie loved the whole experience and even though he had only a few weeks of driving, these memories will last a lifetime for me. 

Quote of the day: Someone who is aware of your sadness and lack of sleep does not deserve your love at all. ~ Unkown

Everyday, I receive photo memories in my email inbox. Some just hit me hard and some hit me even harder. This one today, actually made me chuckle. This was baby Mattie and Nurse Patches. Patches was an incredible cat. She was so bright and she instinctively knew that Mattie was precious cargo and therefore she couldn't touch, scratch, or bother him. That said, that did not mean that stopped her from being curious! These two became good pals. I can't tell you how much I loved that car seat! It was the only thing Mattie liked sitting in, other than being held. I literally used to strap Mattie into the car seat and place the whole thing in his crib at night. I resorted to that because Mattie hated lying flat! Sleep did not come naturally to Mattie, so we spent many, many sleepless nights together. That was until I read the Richard Ferber book at month six. It was a behavioral method to train your newborn how to sleep. Seriously prior to Mattie, I thought all babies naturally slept. NOPE, not my Mattie! 

This photo was in my inbox today too! It also brought me a chuckle! This was my walk-in closet in our apartment in Washington, DC. Whenever there was a thunder and lightning storm, Sunny headed for the hills. What you may not be able to see was Sunny was a large dog, yet he was able to squeeze himself on a shelf in the closet. Since I knew Sunny needed a safe space, I cleaned off that bottom shelf for him and lined it with cozy blankets. He took to it like a duck to water. But when Sunny was scared there was no reasoning with him..... he just needed to hide in a secure place until he was ready to come out! I miss my buddy! 

I accumulated three more hours toward my continuing education requirement for my license today! I take small wins whenever I can get them. So I completed one course and I started on a new course today about depression in adults. Sure enough, I learned that I am a walking case study, and in all intensive purposes it would make sense if I had major depression. As social isolation, from divorce, is a major contributor to depression in women my age. I am quite certain if I wasn't caregiving and forced to move about each day, my trajectory right now would look different. So that was swirling in my head all day and then I received a care package from my friend Phyllis at my front door. Little things make a huge difference!!! 

Surprise care packages are always so meaningful, especially as this care package is focused on comfort and caring for myself.... especially when I get headaches! I always wanted a cold cap to slip on my head and today's care package included one, along with some wonderful teas. For me tea is therapeutic. I start my day with a cup of tea (before anyone gets up) and I end my day with a cup of tea. It is my pause or moment when I try to think about myself. I am deeply grateful to have friends who never forget me and remind me that I am NOT ALONE. 

Sunday, August 9, 2026

Sunday, August 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on August 8, 2009, three days after we learned that Mattie's cancer spread throughout his body. That day we surprised Mattie with a big ride-on vehicle. My parents made this gift possible! Precancer... Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle, because he saw that one of our neighbor's had one. We always said....no! Mainly because it was costly, we really had no place to store it, and like every toy, it gets used during the excitement phase, but then rapidly children lose interest. However, Mattie's terminal diagnosis changed my view point about everything. If Mattie wanted a ride-on vehicle, then this was something I could make happen. Something I had control over and if it brought Mattie moments of happiness, then it was worth it. In this photo, we wheeled Mattie onto the deck to see his surprise!

This was the large box Mattie observed as soon as he came outside. He was very excited and couldn't wait to try it out. Of course this car needed to be assembled, which was a labor of love. But Mattie stayed on the deck during the entire assembly process. I will never forget our times riding on "Speedy Red." Literally I brought Mattie's portable oxygen and pain pump on our rides, but Mattie took to driving like a duck to water!

After Mattie died, I couldn't part with Speedy Red. It literally sat on our deck, under a tarp for over a year. It weathered terribly and then of course stopped working. I could have donated it as soon as Mattie died, but somehow the ride-on vehicle was an extension of Mattie. The last thing that brought him happiness, therefore, it was going no where. To this day, I still have the steering wheel of Speedy Red. 

Quote of the day: James changed our present and our future, but not our past. This is the gift of an abrupt departure, an exit with no lead-up or warning. He didn’t infect our lives with discord, with bickering, with visible discontent, before he left. He kept it lovely until he blew it up. ~ Belle Burden

This morning, Indie started with me at 4am. She wanted me up, out of bed and to be fed. Sunday is typically the only day in the week where I can sleep later, and by later I mean after 7am. To be jolted awake at 4am was not appreciated. There was no way I was going to move. She tried everything.... walking all over me, baking her claws into me, playing with my hair, jumping around and my favorite.... she puts her nose under mine to make sure I am breathing! I acknowledged her but had no intention of moving. She finally gave up! Well at least for another hour, until she started the same routine at 5am, 6am, and 7am! 

While making breakfast and doing chores around the house, I could hear a sensor going off. I literally had to figure out what was beeping, why it was beeping, and how to fix it! The problem was I couldn't determine what sensor was beeping and I was about to lose my mind. But I have learned to push through that feeling and figure it out. After all if I don't, who else will? When I became separated and then divorced, that was the end of having any kind of support from my other half. I had a steep learning curve and all I can say is I am lucky to be persistence, tenacious, and resourceful.

I do think each thing we do in life builds upon itself. My friend in England recently asked me about my doctorate. When I explained to her the extensive years of work, having to conduct original research as well as accumulate over 4,000 hours of clinical work, she couldn't get over it. She asked me at what age did I achieve all of this!? I told her I was 34 years old and keep in mind soon there after, I was elected by my peers to be a president of a large counseling association... making me the youngest president ever to be elected to that organization. When I finally defended my dissertation, which I assure you was no easy feat, on the spot my external reviewer offered me a grade 14 job in the government in front of my dissertation committee. The job was to run the work life office for that agency. My point to all of this is I had career plans and prospects, but I was also a new mom and was committed to raising Mattie full-time. Mattie always came first, but my hope was I would return to work once Mattie got older and was in school. Of course that time never came, because after kindergarten Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Any case, when I see myself through someone else's eyes, it makes me pause and see all that I have endured and survived. Today, I took my parents out to brunch. Like I do every Sunday. Our regular server was sick, so we worked with two young women who we have gotten to know. They are the ones who celebrated my birthday last week! Which surprised me. Today, they were fluttering around and wanted to make sure I was happy. I am so focused on my parents needs, that I was truly touched that these two women were concerned about mine (another thing I miss about not having a other half.... I have no one who worries about me). They told me today that I deserve to be happy because I am a special human being. A beautiful message that I will always cherish. 

When I came home today, I looked out the window to see the hummingbird feeder. I noticed that something was on it! From the window, I thought it was a nasty spotted lanternfly, so I was going to go out and smack it. However, as I got closer, I could see it was a small butterfly taking a drink! A sign from Mattie.... that he is watching over me and sees everything that has transpired. 

Saturday, August 8, 2026

Saturday, August 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. After we learned of Mattie's terminal diagnosis, we spent about two weeks at home before returning to the hospital and NEVER returning home again with Mattie. Mattie elected to do end of life care at the hospital, surrounded by his hospital family. Mattie made the best decision because his death was horrific. Forget hospice, they would have been ill equipped! They could never have managed what I witnessed..... as Mattie's bed was lined with countless syringes of pain meds! It looked like a war zone. Pain meds couldn't get pumped into him fast enough and then at the end Mattie needed a fatal dose of propofol to place him in a coma to die. It was a nightmare that remains a part of me. But while home, Mattie wanted to take out the big tent and he wanted us to sleep inside the tent. Since Mattie never got the opportunity to go camping (which he was looking forward to), we tried to bring camping to Mattie. What you can't tell was there was an IV pole outside the tent, connected to Mattie, and Mattie was also connected to a pain pump. 

Quote of the day: It is what he made clear within weeks of leaving, that he believed my contributions to his career, to our family, over twenty years, amounted to nothing. ~ Belle Burden

Don't ask me about today! It was a complete blur of cleaning, more cleaning, and then more after that. I took my parents out to our local diner, which I do every Saturday. I toileted my dad before leaving the house, but he needed to be changed by the time we got to the restaurant. I thought I would then get a break! Nope, he went again while eating. More changing, more cleaning, more laundry. When I objectively look at my life, I just can't get over it. Any full time caregiver knows how all consuming my days are, and then add to all the chaos I have had to work through...... having to hire a divorce lawyer, learning house finances, having to work on assuming the mortgage, dealing with taxes, house maintenance, car maintenance, bill paying, running the Foundation and doing all the admin including the financial accounting, and the list goes on. Some days I wonder..... why haven't I cracked up yet? 

Going out is not only juggling the bathroom routine. My dad always has a drippy nose while eating. Doesn't matter the time of day or season. His nose drips at every table. So much so that I always have a packet of tissues on the table and I carry a garbage bag to pick up his debris. But on top of the nose, I have to regulate his eating, as if left to his own devices, my dad will choke from shoveling food into his mouth. He just doesn't understand the concept of pacing, of chewing and swallowing before putting more food into his mouth. So I feel like I am constantly doing surveillance and policing at the table. Then add to this my dad's desire to pocket all the items on the table. If you don't watch him he will empty all the sugar packets, all the jam containers, and what ever smaller item is on the table and it will land up in his jacket pockets. Thankfully today, I caught him before he put ten butter packets into his pockets! 

As I always say, caregiving keeps me busy and when I am busy, I don't always get absorbed in the pain of my divorce. However, while at the diner today, our server took out his phone to show me photos of his children on vacation and the fun they were having. It is simple and innocent moments like this that remind me how different I am. I do not have these happy parenting moments, in fact, putting that aside I haven't been on a vacation since June of 2021. This December, I will be caregiving non-stop for five years. In down moments, I want to scream, I want to curse the day that I was left alone to manage the impossible on my own. But since that serves NO POINT, I instead will stop writing for today and go into my garden and then exercise in the basement. I find movement is the only way that helps me push through intense grief, anger, and hopelessness.