Sunday, February 9, 2026

Sunday, February 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old and since it had just snowed, Mattie wanted to be outside and exploring the white stuff. I would say that Mattie was happiest when he was outside in nature... it did not matter the weather. This was one thing I had to adjust to, because I dislike the cold, not to mention the rain, but those things did not bother Mattie. Therefore, I would say that Mattie expanded my comfort zone and if something interested him.... I learned to appreciate it too!

Quote of the day: You don’t raise heroes, you raise sons. And if you treat them like sons, they’ll turn out to be heroes, even if it’s just in your own eyes. ~ NASA astronaut Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

The best thing I did this weekend was to contact my doctor's office on Saturday morning. Typically I do not pay attention to how I am feeling, but on Saturday, I felt like a 30 pound weight was on my chest, I realized I hadn't slept well because I was congested and drowning in fluid, and what stopped me in my tracks was I had NO ENERGY to perform my caregiving duties. It was that fact that got me to think about my health and to pursue medical attention. 

After two doses of antibiotics, I was able to sleep last night and I woke up congested but I could function. As I am typing this tonight, I realize that my energy is coming back! I am not one for napping and slowing down, but yesterday I took to bed. When this happens, you know that I am sick. It was a scary feeling to be depleted of energy, especially since I do have the energy of about ten people. When I am that drained, I worry.... will I always feel that way? Thanks to the power of antibiotics....I am bouncing back. 

I was able to take my parents out to brunch today. Which was a God send, because yesterday we spent the entire day at home, and between seeing the frozen snow, hearing the howling wind, and feeling sick, it wasn't good for my mental state. By the time I got home, I realized I still had energy. A true gift, because I had promised to do my mom's hair and give her a pedicure. Mission accomplished. 

This is an area of my kitchen which I try to decorate for the season or holiday approaching. I received some lovely Valentine's gifts! When I told the wonderful gift giver  that Lindor chocolates are one of my favorites, her response to me was..... "You are our favorite!" Given who this gift is from, this sentiment meant the world to me. The best Valentine's gift ever.  

Saturday, February 7, 2026

Saturday, February 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old in this photo. That weekend we took Mattie to the US Natural History Museum. In the rotunda of the Museum is a 2-ton, 14-foot-tall African Elephant on display. The elephant is nicknamed, Henry. Mattie and I were looking up at Henry. Personally I think Mattie's eye's and facial expression said it all! He was amazed that an animal could have been that big!

Quote of the day: People will work eight hours a day for pay, 10 hours a day for a good boss, and 24 hours a day for a good cause! ~ John C. Maxwell

All week I have been struggling. It started with what looked to be a head cold. My head was filled with fluid, I had pressure around my eyes, and a low grade fever. No matter what I threw at this problem, it wasn't addressing the symptoms. In fact, the symptoms were getting worse, as this congestion moved to my chest, and I have developed a non-stop post nasal drip and dry cough. This morning, I had to get up early because my dad had his physical therapy session. Truly how I got up and did anything is beyond me. However, once I got him showered, dressed, and at the breakfast table, I decided to swab my nose for COVID and Flu and then call my doctor. Based on my countless calls to my parents' doctor, I know NOT to call a doctor without having COVID and Flu data in hand. 

I tested negative to both and it confirmed what I believed was my issue..... I have a sinus infection. Clearly it wasn't going to get better without intervention. I called my doctor's office and within ten minutes the doctor on call contacted me. He said my message was so detailed (as I told him every symptom, how I was treating each symptom, and that I am a caregiver to my parents), that he agreed I have a sinus infection and immediately called in antibiotics for me. Bless him!

Of course, this is the one of many reasons I hate being single. I do not have my other half present to support me, to jump in the car and go to the pharmacy and help me manage things in the house so that I could potentially rest and recover. I don't think time will ever wash over this feeling of disgust, anger, and sadness over my divorce. 

When my dad's physical therapist arrived, we chatted. She couldn't get over my last two weeks.... my dad getting Norovirus, my dad getting hospitalized, my dad having hiccups for 12 days from the virus, my dad developing Tardive Dyskinesis from hiccup medications, and of course me getting Norovirus and now a sinus infection. SERIOUSLY it is overwhelming. However, because apparently I am not dealing with enough, my dad's heart rate today has been inconsistent and unstable. Even at rest, his heart is racing, at 115 beats per minute (a normal pulse is 60-100). My dad does have Afib and it has been managed with his pacemaker and medication, but now very little is helping, especially since I learned in his last hospitalization that he has congestive heart failure. Many symptoms of heart failure are caused by extra fluid, or congestion, in the body. Symptoms may include shortness of breath even while doing simple activities such as walking; waking up breathless during the night; coughing; swelling of the legs, feet or abdomen; excessive fatigue; and early satiety, meaning you can’t finish a meal because you fell full very quickly. My dad has all of these symptoms and what I am also noticing is that even at rest, his pulse is high. He has a cardiology appointment on Tuesday, so today, I am taking his blood pressure and measuring his pulse throughout the day. 

Any case, it is 4:20pm, and I am migrating away from the computer and I hope to rest before I have to contend with dinner. May the antibiotics perform their magic!

Friday, February 6, 2026

Friday, February 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2003. Mattie was 10 months old and he absolutely loved zooming around our first floor in his "tot wheels." He was a curious fellow, who enjoyed opening drawers and exploring what was inside. All I can say is that life with Mattie was NEVER boring. He was full of life and packed a lot into his seven years on this earth. 

Quote of the day: Devotion is the purest form of giving. ~ Eckhart Tolle

This morning, after I got my dad showered, dressed and downstairs, we were sitting at the breakfast table awaiting his in-home nurse visit. I should mention that on top of everything else I am juggling, I have been dealing with one pressure sore after the other with my dad. Just when one heals, another pops up, or we start the cycle all over again with previous sores opening up. It is a non-stop battle to keep him clean and dry. I have no idea how I would manage my dad if I couldn't shower him each day. The shower gives me half a chance to keep his skin clean and intact. 

Any case, back to the breakfast table. My mom gets a newspaper delivered to the house each day. My dad wanted to look at the paper. I handed it to him, and he looked at one picture and then tossed the paper. So I asked him what did he see? The answer was NOTHING! This led me to pick up the paper and see what was on the front page. 

Ironically what caught my attention was...."Cemetery Offers To Turn Loved Ones Into Gardening Soil." Seriously when I read this, I thought this was a joke. Therefore, I kept on reading. It is no joke and apparently in the USA, 14 states have legalized human composting, starting with Washington in 2019. There are many reasons this new format is being introduced and proposed, such as:

1. Cemeteries are running out of space for the growing need for plots
2. People are looking for more earth friendly (biodegradable) options
3. More cost effective than a burial (as a burial can be $30K or more)

I honestly do not know how I feel about this, because the process of composing human remains, means going into a vat like structure for 40 days, being rocked back and forth. These vats are housed in big rooms, and family members are allowed to come visit the vats and sit by the body as it decomposes. I don't know where I stand on that idea! The notion is that once decomposed, the remains can be used to provide fertilizer and nutrients for the greenery of the cemetery. Proponents of this feel like it gives people "agency" over their death and how they will be remembered. 

Naturally, religious minded groups have issues with this notion, as it is not deemed to be pious and respectful of the human body. While several Funeral Home Associations are raising concerns about the regulation of the resulting human soil. Some of the states that allow human composting prohibit using the resulting soil for growing food crops. To me, how you manage a loved one's death is a very personal choice. However, what I do know is that a funeral and burial are really for those left behind, not the dead. Once dead, you have NO agency! So I think if one decides this is the option they want to go with, a discussion with family would be important. 

If you are interested, you can check out this short news clip on this topic below. But for those of us like me, who do not have a spouse or children, the notion of our death brings about a host of feelings. There will be no one overseeing what happens to us when we die. I have a friend (whose husband up and left her after many decades together) who jokes with me that when she dies, she will sit on a shelf at a funeral home unclaimed. That may sound like a joke, but in our case this is a sobering reality. So perhaps for me becoming one with the earth is a peaceful notion, because I believe God will accept my spirit into heaven regardless of the physical form of my body. 

Thursday, February 5, 2026

Thursday, February 5, 2026

Tonight's three photos were taken in April of 2002. Our apartment had two bedrooms and over the course of Mattie's life with us, we used these rooms differently. When we brought Mattie home from the hospital, his crib and set up was in our bedroom. Since we had Patches, our calico cat, I was nervous that she would jump in the crib when Mattie was in it, so we put this tent over the crib. However, I should have known better, as Patches simply understood that she had to be on good behavior around Mattie. She never tried to jump on him! However, the tent became a God send because as Mattie started to stand up, it prevented him from falling out of the crib.... he was a climber!

I think what I love about this photo was that Mattie looked so peaceful in his crib. I assure you this was only for the first couple of days of his life. Thereafter, Mattie hated lying on his back and being in his crib. Instead, he spent his first three months sleeping on top of me. 

If you look at the first photo I posted tonight, you will see that Patches pouch was by the window sill, right next to Mattie's changing pad. She loved this bird's eye view. The best cat ever, and Mattie loved her. 

Quote of the day: Devotion is loyalty to a promise, no matter how small it seems. ~ Shams Tabrizi

This morning it took all the energy I had to get out of bed. My head is filled with fluid and I fear that I have developed a sinus infection. To get through the day, I am on Tylenol, Advil, and a nasal decongestant. Resting is just not possible in my home. I am hoping to manage this without seeing the doctor, but I shall see. 

My dad had his physical therapy session today at home and this particular therapist truly inspires him to perform. He had a good workout for an hour. If I could only hire her 7 days a week. Nonetheless, I am convinced that the only reason my dad can still walk is because he has been doing therapy since 2020. It is a sad commentary that with dementia, there will come a time when my dad will no longer remember how to walk. I take it one day at a time, and adjust to whatever his condition seems to dish out at me.

It was a day of dealing with a ton of administrative issues for the Foundation and tonight, I am going to spend the next hour or so, emailing all of our corporate sponsors. It seems like the only time I have to concentrate is in the evening, when all my parents' needs are met. I am signing off for tonight, in hopes that I physically feel better tomorrow. 

Wednesday, February 4, 2026

Wednesday, February 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002. Mattie was just a few weeks old! Honestly I did not know if I was coming or going at that point in time. There are great books that prepare you for all the stages of pregnancy, but there is NOTHING that helps guide you on the complex journey of motherhood. Mattie was born by c-section and my recovery from abdominal surgery was challenging at best, on top of which, I developed post partum depression. How I felt did not impact my love Mattie or how I cared for him. But I recall the feeling of crying at the drop of a hat (and I am NOT a crier), feeling overwhelmed, isolated, and distraught. In fact, I was so distraught in the hospital that after 5 days post c-section, the nurse felt that she could justify more time inpatient until I emotionally stabilized. However, I elected to get discharged because something told me that I had to figure this out on my own. When I look at this photo of Mattie, what immediately comes to mind is..... he initially looked NOTHING like me. However, by the time he was three, there was no doubt..... Mattie was the spitting image of me.  

Quote of the day: It's easier to take than to give. It's nobler to give than to take. The thrill of taking lasts a day. The thrill of giving lasts a lifetime. ~ Joan Marques

This photo was taken in May of 2009. Back then Team Mattie planned a "March" on the school's track and field. Mattie's community wanted to show their support of us and in the process it was also a fundraiser. There must have been over 500 people in attendance. It was a full day that included a formal program in which we spoke and gave out appreciation gifts to all of Mattie's nurses and psychosocial team. My joke on that day was...... is anyone left at the hospital? I was joking, but our medical family was there in full force. This particular photo was taken at the end of the event. This was Mattie and his best preschool friend, Zachary. 

Why am I showing you this photo? Because I now have the pleasure of working with Zachary on his school project. Zachary is taking a non-profit course which requires him to shadow a non-profit leader. Zachary reached out to me. When I tell you it is a surreal experience, I am not kidding. Mattie and Zachary were very close in preschool, and they enjoyed their time together so much that after school each day, they had a playdate. I felt, in a way, that Zachary was like a second son to me, because I knew his likes, dislikes, preferences, and could predict his responses to certain things. 

During Mattie's cancer journey, Zachary always visited and instinctively adjusted his play to match Mattie's physical abilities. There was a lot to be learned from their friendship, and it was such a special bond that I am quite certain it will always remain a part of me. But I knew Zachary as a child, not Zachary the young adult. 

It is a wonderful opportunity for me to have this time to reconnect with Zachary, and as I interact with Zachary now, I wonder.... would Mattie be just like this? After all these boys were so much alike, that I feel like I am getting a little bit of a glimpse into what Mattie would have been like at age 24! Which in and of itself is an incredible gift to a bereaved mom. Naturally when Zachary met me, he was at a tender age (4), and most likely doesn't remember our time together like I do. Which is why I am always cognizant as to not overwhelm him with my own emotions. That said, it means a lot to me that Zachary wanted to shadow me versus another non-profit leader. 

I love hearing Zachary's perspective on fundraising, and what activities would attract his age group to Mattie Miracle. This week we had our second conference call together and I invited another key Mattie Miracle supporter on the call with us, as we are slowly pulling together a group of supporters who are willing to fundraise for us and brainstorm fundraising events and opportunities. 

Though my days are full with caregiving and other chores, these Zoom calls with Zachary have perked me up. I think that reconnecting with Zachary has in essence brought back happy memories in Mattie's history for me, and I consider anyone who interacted with Mattie to be a Mattie Legacy Keeper!

Tuesday, February 3, 2026

Tuesday, February 3, 2026 -- Mattie died 831 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2002. It took me months to clear out this space, as my desk used to be where the crib was and I had books and things all over the place. Slowly but surely, things got organized, filed, thrown out or donated, and my parents and I purchased the crib, baby furniture and linens. Ironically to this day, Mattie's bureau is in my bedroom and I use it for my things. Notice I put up a Hey Diddle Diddle border by the crib area, because I always loved black and white cows. But what strikes me now about this is..... there is a moon in this nursery rhyme. Who knew this would eventually be Mattie's symbol in preschool and a name that we still use today..... our MATTIE MOON! 

Quote of the day: Tell your friend that in his death, a part of you dies and goes with him. Wherever he goes, you also go. He will not be alone. ~ J. Krishnamurti

I woke up later than usual today because I am struggling with a head cold. Though I thought it was going to be a more even paced day, it wasn't! I started the morning by changing the linens on my own bed. I am so busy keeping up with my parents' bed linens, which is a large chore, that I do not change my sheets as often as I used to. This morning, I had just about enough, and decided.... no I am taking the time to do this for myself! Especially with a head cold! Indie spends so much time on my bed, by my pillows, that I am breathing in fur! But as I have learned no good deeds go unpunished. 

Throughout the morning, I checked on my dad twice in bed. In fact, one time I got him up to reposition him, so his back wouldn't ache. By the time I got myself showered, dressed, made breakfast, cleaned out the litter box, and cleaned up the first floor, I must have gotten back upstairs to my dad at 10:30am. So later than usual. As I went into his room, I saw the disaster awaiting me. It wasn't as bad as when he had Norovirus last week, but it was bad enough. No matter how well I protect the bed, he soils all the linens, it lands up all over the bed rail, the bed frame, and the box spring. Truly I wanted to cry over seeing this, because it took me a week to clean, disinfect, and air out their bedroom while my dad was in the hospital. The only advantage to today, was I knew exactly what I had to do to address this mess! But I wasn't happy, as that set me up to strip their entire bed (AGAIN!), and do five loads of laundry. Not to mention hours of cleaning and I got the fans out and had them running all day! Of course while I am doing this, my dad is clueless. He has NO understanding for what just happened, the amount of effort it takes to clean him and everything around him, and most definitely has no memory of last week much less today. 

Seeing the drastic changes in my dad are sobering. Let me put some things into context for you. When we go out to lunch with my parents, I tend to do activities with my dad. Otherwise, he sleeps at the table, my mom is glued to her phone, and it leaves me in silence. 

Yesterday, I tried to do this 'find the object' activity with my dad. Even coaching him through it, was close to impossible. He couldn't remember what the purpose of the activity was and truly he was lost in his own mind. This is a significant change from just a few months ago, where he used to like doing such activities. 

Two days ago, I tried to do this activity with my dad, which was to look at both pictures and find the differences between the two of them. You would have thought I was asking him to discover the cure for cancer. It was that difficult to think through the process and come up with some observations. I even color coded some objects to help him, but that accomplished nothing. 

Overall, another sad day in a sea of sad years. There are great differences between seeing Mattie die and watching my dad's decline. I know the outcome with eventually be the same, but the journey is different. Nonetheless, it is so unfortunate that in all my caregiving experiences, the patient never gets better. Instead, I am learning the painful art form of helping someone live with as much dignity and  as in little pain as possible before their death. 

Monday, February 2, 2026

Monday, February 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2003. It was at my doctoral graduation party in Washington, DC. I remember that moment in time as if it were yesterday. It seemed like anything was possible back then. Mattie was a year old in this photo, and basically I collected data and wrote my dissertation while Mattie was an infant. I assure you that was NOT easy, but his presence in my life motivated me to get this very hard task behind me. Pictured with us was my dissertation chair (Carol), who not unlike myself is a perfectionist with high expectations for herself and others. As Carol once told me about my dissertation.... Vicki NOT all dissertations are created equal! Which translated into.... Vicki you did an excellent job!

Quote of the day: The truest devotion is that which we give with no expectation of return. ~ Khalil Gibran

Recently I received an email from a good friend and colleague of mine. She knew me way before I had Mattie. When we met each other, I was the president elect of a national professional counseling association. Back then I was in my late twenties, but I was also working on my dissertation, which focused on the stresses of family caregiving. My friend was caring for her mom at the time, so though I wasn't a caregiver, I had the clinical insight into what she was balancing. I think caregiving was one of the many things that bonded us together.  

My friend continues to reach out to me and in her latest message, she said something that got me to pause. In essence she was saying given all the incredible loss and heartache I have recently faced with my divorce, that it would be understandable if I took a break from Mattie Miracle. Or gave up Mattie Miracle altogether, given that this was a non-profit that I co-created with my other half. Yet, as my friend noted.... I DID NOT do that! Not only did I not do that, I have run Mattie Miracle seamlessly. 

Many people in my world do not know I am divorced. It is not something that I am screaming from the roof tops, mainly because to me, a marriage vow is forever. As I always say..... in the eyes of the Catholic Church I remain married. But reflecting on my friend's astute reflections, she is absolutely correct about me. Love, responsibility, and commitments guide my life. I can think of NO GREATER responsibility than being a mom. But being a mom to a child who is no longer alive is actually harder. It is harder because it requires discipline to remember the nuisances of your child, as the mind is good at playing forgetful tricks on you. Which is one of the reasons I write the blog daily.... it is like working out my mental memory muscle, which enables me to have the fluidity to nurture Mattie's memory and share him with you.

But tonight's quote speaks to what my friend was pointing out...... true devotion is given with no expectation of return. The work I do with Mattie Miracle has been done for 16 years, in which I never received a salary, I receive no monetary benefits (which would have helped with my future), and when I help others like Mattie, I get no kudos, that-a-girls, or anything tangible in return. As my friend points out.... not many people could handle that level of commitment and devotion. I never really thought too much about this until we had this email exchange. 

What I do know is that my life is guided by my love for Mattie, it is guided by the insights of Mattie's cancer treatment and journey, and in turn I am devoted to using that knowledge to help others like us. For me KNOWING that we are: (1) funding wishes for children with cancer (and in some cases we are funding wishes that other organizations wouldn't necessarily support because of the child's age, or the fact that the child is a survivor or is dying), (2) we are paying the therapy bills of children with cancer (so they can get the necessary mental health support in the community), and (3) we are funding the salary of a child life professional (to help children within a hospital setting).... these are the Mattie Miracles! That said, if you just scratch the surface of who Vicki is, you will see that these miracles are inspired by the devotion of a mom to her amazing son.

Sunday, February 1, 2026

Sunday, February 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2002, a month before Mattie was born. By that point I was already on bed rest and feeling extremely uncomfortable. With Mattie, I gained 50 pounds. Notice "Nurse Patches" in the background! She was the best cat! That day, my friends were hosting a baby shower for us, so I was working on pulling myself together. 

This was me at the party. I know my friends weren't sure whether we should have the party or not, because I was only allowed up on my feet for so long each day and I was supposed to remain calm. Not my best state!!!! Friends and family attended this event, and I can see one of my mentors, Don, in the background. Don was the person who gave me his cuckoo clock (which is in my front hallway), and he gifted Mattie the book, Goodnight Moon. Goodnight Moon had to be our all time favorite book, as we read it so often, we could recite it by heart!

Quote of the day: That if desperate times call for desperate measures, then I'm free to act as desperately as I wish. ~ Suzanne Collins

My dad developed hiccups on January 21, during his first visit to the emergency room. As of yesterday, my dad had been suffering with hiccups for 12 days! Last night's bout lasted four hours. My mom was hysterical and I truly wasn't sure who to manage first. It was at that point that I gave my dad a combination of Advil and tums. Normally, because my dad has a pacemaker, I do not give him Advil. But since I think Advil is one of the world's greatest inventions, I decided to try it on him. Understand that there is NO research evidence that supports the use of Advil with intractable hiccups. 

Within 15 minutes of giving my dad Advil and tums together..... the hiccups stopped. So I decided to give my dad Advil every four hours today, along with tums at every meal. All I can say is we had a hiccup free day. Now I am not saying that this combination stopped the hiccups. I can't prove it, as it could just be a result of him healing from the norovirus or that the hiccups just ran their course. I truly do not care what the explanation is, all I know is I am hoping this is a trend because my dad is exhausted from hiccupping and my mom was on the edge emotionally. Remember she has been dealing with his intractable hiccups since the 1980s!  

This afternoon, I took my parents out to brunch. We haven't been able to visit this restaurant for two weeks. Getting my parents from the car into a restaurant now is a show. First I get my mom out of the car and into the restaurant, and then I help my dad out of the car, while carrying his pillow, two blankets, my purse, and a large tote bag of supplies. Once I got my parents situated at the table, I ran back outside to park the car. One of the managers came over to me while I was in the hallway. He gave me a huge hug, and told me that they missed us. He also wanted me to know that he admires me and considers me a strong woman, as he said not everyone could or would do what I do each day. He happens to be a religious person and said that he believes God sees how devoted I am to my parents and that there is no way that God will not be looking out for me in my future. Actually he said that God will provide unexpected gifts to me. He then hugged me again because he was at a loss for words. 

Rarely do I receive hugs now, so when I do, it is a reminder that someone thinks I am deserving of love. What are my thoughts on his feelings about God providing unexpected gifts? I don't know! What I do know is I have learned to have little to no expectations anymore in life, because the only thing I have experienced is love is fleeting and it leaves to heart break and isolation.  

Saturday, January 31, 2026

Saturday, January 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2001. By that point I was four months pregnant with Mattie. Before Mattie was born, I went through a huge clean out and reorganization of our apartment. In one of our bedrooms was this very big walk-in closet. As you can see I was in it and clearing out shelves and things to get ready for our new addition. In fact, that whole room went through a big clean out, and it got transformed from my office space into Mattie's room. They talk about the  "nesting" instinct while pregnant, I would have to say this was true for me, because by the time I finished with this space it looked like a baby would be living in it. 

Quote of the day: I felt her absence. It was like waking up one day with no teeth in your mouth. You wouldn't need to run to the mirror to know they were gone. ~ James Dashner

Since my dad has come home from the hospital (on Tuesday), he has been refusing to eat real food. He only has wanted soft foods and bread. I am slowly integrating real food back into his diet. My dad is not a vegetable person, but last night I decided to make cream of broccoli soup. It is a hearty soup and when I served it to him, I did not tell him it was broccoli. Telling him would have only caused him to push the bowl away from him. After he ate the soup and loved it, I told him it was broccoli soup. He was stunned. In any case, his is definitely regaining his appetite. 

Things still remain challenging as my dad is having bathroom issues and I look forward to the day that this virus is completely out of his system. I think until this virus is gone, there will be NO breaks from hiccups either. Today I tried all sorts of home remedies to manage the hiccups. The problem with any solutions that involve deep breathing or holding his breath is that my dad truly can't hold his breath. Not even for a second. I can't determine if he doesn't understand how to cognitively do this or that he just physically can't do it. But breath holding is a great way to reset the spasms and I am frustrated that I can't get him to participate in any way to help himself. This is one of the many things about dementia that I absolutely hate.

I spent the day doing more clean up around the house and while going room to room, I found that my Christmas cactus was abloom. I absolutely love Christmas cactuses. We used to have a very big cactus that we brought with us when we moved from the city in 2021. However, in the fall of 2023, with the start of my separation, I was so distraught that I forgot the plant outside. Typically we would have the plant summer outside and winter inside. By the time I remembered my beautiful cactus was outside, it froze and died. 

So I went to Lowe's and bought a small plant. It was so small, it fit in the palm of my hand. Since 2023, it has been growing and it is blooming beautifully. There is something very special about seeing greenery and flowers in the winter and if you were to see my all-season room now, you would find it filled with palm trees, a zee plant, prayer plants, hibiscus plants, geraniums, an orchid, and even old poinsettia plants that have continued to thrive. 

Friday, January 30, 2026

Friday, January 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2002. I was six months pregnant with Mattie. I literally have a photo file entitled, "Belly Shots," as we anxiously were tracking from month to month my/Mattie's growth. I remember this particular night captured in this photo, as we were headed to a company holiday party in the city. I was surrounded by a lot of twenty somethings and in comparison to them, I felt enormous and uncomfortable. About a month after this photo was taken, I went into premature labor. The doctor was able to stop the process, but I remained on bedrest until Mattie was born in April of 2002.

Quote of the day: There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart. ~ Mahatma Gandhi

As if things couldn't get worse.... they do! My dad has been dealing with hiccups since last Wednesday. So we are talking 9 days and counting. I finally found a combination of drugs that was helping to slow down the number of hiccup bouts in a day and the duration of each bout. However, I had to STOP all of these medications last night! Why? Because while we were watching TV together, I observed the following out of the corner of my eye:

• lip smacking
• tongue darting
• dancing fingers

I knew exactly what was happening, because I observed my grandmother develop Tardive Dyskinesia from medications. Tardive Dyskinesia is a reaction to most likely mental health or gastrointestinal medications, which typically can be reversed if you stop the medication. My dad was on a cocktail of medications for a day and half with me, but of course was also given doses within the hospital for three days. In addition to the above symptoms, my dad was lethargic, appeared unsteady on his feet, and sleepy. These are recipes for disaster, as he is a big man, and I can't afford for him to fall or to fall on me. SO ALL MEDICATIONS WERE STOPPED. 

This morning, I noticed that the Tardive Dyskinesia symptoms disappeared but in their place was a mental status change. My dad was talkative, argumentative, and delusional. By 10:30am, I thought I was going to jump out of the window managing his energy level and bowel movements. Thankfully today was his memory care center day, and all the staff are aware of his symptoms and issues. On the drive to the center, my dad was seeing things along the side of the road that were NOT actually there! He kept pointing them out to me and at first I literally wanted to say..... are you kidding me? But then I put my clinical hat on and my inner dialogue was.... you never confront a person having a delusion. You should either accept it, learn more, or divert the attention away from the delusion. I did both with my dad. So he felt heard and I was able to keep things calm. 

Of course without hiccup medication, WE HAVE FULL BLOWN hiccups! My dad's doctor doesn't want him on anything right now until his mental status improves. I totally appreciate that, but at this point I seek divine intervention to solve this problem because I am at my wit's end.