Wednesday, April 22, 2026

Wednesday, April 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. Mattie was four years old and it was Easter! That day we took him out for lunch at his favorite restaurant. As you can see Mattie was eating one of his favorite things.... a French fry. When I look at this photo, I see a completely different Vicki. A happier, less stressed out, and naive woman. A woman who had no concept of childhood cancer or the personal cruelty of divorce.

Quote of the day: It’s a funny thing about life, once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things that you lack. ~ Germany Kent

Today I had a phone call with someone who designs computer apps that enable the user to take short breaks to manage stress, balance mood, and perhaps enhance self confidence. These apps are all the rage now, aren't they? There seems to be an app for just about everything and anything. In this particular case there is a lot of data about how such an app can help improve employee well-being and productivity. But how does such an app apply to a cancer patient and the patient's family? The answer is.... I don't know! As the app is not currently used in this fashion but in time it certainly will be applied to this vulnerable population. 

If you ask me how I feel about this, you may get multiple reactions. I could put my mental health provider hat on, I could put my Foundation leader hat on, or I could give you my perspective as a mom who helped Mattie each and every day through his cancer journey. In this particular case, I am going with my mom hat!

Mattie's cancer journey was horrific. Each day, I was facing countless stressors. Not just everyday issues, but I was making life and death decisions. Sometimes hourly! In addition, I was balancing a scared child who had to live in an intensive care unit 24/7, practically for a year. That alone is a stressor which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So if you ask me during my many countless moments of stress, whether I would turn to an app to regulate my mood or to de-stress.... the answer is absolutely NOT. We all know ourselves best, and if I am stressed out the last thing I want to do is sit still and look at a screen. 

I have found for myself, the best ways to manage my stress is being outside.... fresh air, nature, surrounded by greenery and most importantly MOVING.... walking. If you asked me to be in a room and have a passive experience before my eyes, forget it, it would only add to my stress level. I also think when dealing with repeated medical trauma, thinking that an app can help alleviate these issues is naive. 

Now that said, when Mattie was in the throes of treatment, I was glued to my phone. Not because I was tuned into an app, but it connected me with PEOPLE. PEOPLE I KNEW and TRUSTED! My phone became my life line. It gave me a place to be heard, understand, and to express myself. But the key to me is not the phone itself, it is the people. No app, no computer, no passive aid can possibly replace human connections, bonds, and perspectives. We are living in an overwhelmingly technology driven society that scares me, because things and objects are becoming more important than people. Sure apps maybe convenient, they may seem private, and they are quick, but at the end of the day.... when we are truly at our wit's end what do we do? We turn to people!!! Objects and things can never solve our problems in the long run. We are social beings and it saddens me that when discussing families facing the worse possible thing in life, a child diagnosed with cancer, that we could possibly think that any app could provide us a moment of peace is beyond me. 

Tuesday, April 21, 2026

Tuesday, April 21, 2026 -- Mattie died 842 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old and that day we went outside to our deck! Mattie loved his frog sandbox and I can't tell you how much time we spent outside on our deck in all seasons! After Mattie died, we put this frog sandbox outside our deck door, in the commons area. It never dawned on me that other kids in the complex would come and play with it! I remember the first time I saw other kids touching Mattie's toys and playing outside our door, it was a sickening feeling. As if Mattie's memory was being disturbed and violated. However, over time, that feeling, softened and I began to appreciate these visits by other children. I felt that Mattie would be happy that others were enjoying his box as much as he was! But that took LOTS of time and reflection for me to get there!

Quote of the day: By the darkness, stars are revealed. ~ Evette Carter

When I get into bed at night, I have Indie right beside me! In fact, now she is staying the whole night with me. But literally I get into bed and within minutes, I am out! Of course my migraine medication helps with that. I am so exhausted that the position in which I fall asleep is the same position in which I wake up! Today I was dragging, but I had to get out of bed, get things going, because my dad's wound care nurse was coming over at 10am. Thankfully my daily cleanings and care of his pressure sores are helping tremendously. In fact the nurse said to me today that she has never seen such successful healing in four days time! I am vigilant with the process because I know if I do not get a handle on this, these sores can quickly spiral out of control. 

I always have high hopes that I am going to be able to focus and accomplish something! However, when my dad is home, it is literally impossible. In addition, I was juggling house issues and people coming over to help me! When other people are in the house, I literally have no peace. Then on top of that, I was on the phone with Verizon. I have been locked out of my portal. This is day two of me trying to get this resolved. The first person I contacted yesterday said they put in a ticket to resolve the issue, but I learned today that they didn't! Today's agent was lovely and she promises to call me back once the tech team evaluates my issue! She too couldn't get into my account! It is hysterical, as I am paying for a service, but the system says I do not have an account! Of course while I was talking to Verizon my dad had two bathroom accidents and my mom was screaming and unable to help him. Seriously this may not sound bad, but you have to see it to understand the chaos. 

Later today, Steve, the fellow that helps me with all things outside came back to try to correct my broken sprinklers. He let me know that he services many homes, but my backyard is his favorite! He says it is so beautiful and peaceful! That made me smile, because as I always say.... I fell in love with the outside of this house before I ever saw the inside of it in 2021. 

Monday, April 20, 2026

Monday, April 20, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. I will never forget this moment in time. Mattie was five years old and we took him to Luray Caverns. My first trip to a cavern was when I was in college in upstate NY. I went with my other half. It was such a fascinating experience, that I wanted Mattie to try it! Mattie did quite well in the Cavern, but did get scared when they played the Great Stalacpipe Organ. The sound was overwhelming for Mattie. Frankly I couldn't have handled this experience at Mattie's age, but he was far more into exploration and adventure than me!

Quote of the day: Don't be afraid of being scared. To be afraid is a sign of common sense. Only complete idiots are not afraid of anything. ~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

This morning after dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I drove back home to pick up my mom and took her to her six month pulmonology appointment. My mom sees this doctor every six months to evaluate her lung condition. To make her appointment at 11am, required a lot of juggling and running around on my part. But I did get her there on time. Clearly, something was going on with the office today, because they had us waiting for an hour! That did not sit well with me. As I told the office staff, they wouldn't honor our appointment if we showed up an hour late, so why should I be okay with them having me wait an hour!? I was so livid by the office staff's reaction to my complaint that I spoke to the office manager. She got my issue right away! Thankfully my mom is currently stable. 

Today, while returning Foundation emails, I received an email from a friend who I met during Mattie's cancer journey. She shared with me that her husband unexpectedly died. I was stunned to hear this as her husband was a love. My natural reaction to hearing this news was to reach out to my other half. We knew this person and his entire family, and sometimes sharing feelings and thoughts about a loss with someone helps wrap your head around the tragedy. I can't tell you how often I stop my myself from contacting my other half! It takes great discipline not to reach out, especially since he was my world for 35 years. The person I would turn to in good times and in bad. The person I trusted would always be there for me. 

Which brings me to tonight's quote. It focuses on fear. Sometimes I wonder why am I so scared? Why do I have fear about being alone and facing a future alone? But as tonight's quote points out fear is understandable, it makes perfect sense given the loss I am facing. When I truly look at my situation, I could go absolutely crazy, as I can't believe this is now my life. I never saw this coming and would never have guessed I would be divorced. But being divorced after a 35 year long relationship and commitment is daunting, scary, frightening, and disorienting. When I have a free moment (which isn't often) to reflect on what has happened to me, I get overwhelmed, feel directionless, and I can't envision any sort of future. I do not say this lightly, I say this with great honesty as this feeling is terribly sobering.

Sunday, April 19, 2026

Sunday, April 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. I just loved the picture window in our living room in the city! Mattie used that window for all sorts of crafts and activities. Life was never boring with Mattie. I don't know about you, but I also get a chuckle knowing that Mattie wanted to wear a Christmas sweater in April! The beauty of Mattie. 

Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

My daily life is inundated with incredible tasks.... showering and dressing my dad, toileting him, chauffeuring my parents around, coordinating entertainment, cooking, laundering linens and clothes, accounting and maintaining finances, caring for the house, managing appointments, doctors, and medications and the list goes on and on. Yet underneath the pile of tasks and demands is a woman who also received two master's degrees, a Ph.D., and a mental health license. These credentials may not always come to the surface or ever be seen, but they are there! They serve as the foundation of my being and give me a lens into all problems, demands, and issues. 

I am quite certain without these credentials, Mattie's Foundation would never have gotten as far as it has! After all, I interface with very bright clinicians and researchers and in order to partner with them to create the Psychosocial Standards of Care, I had to be able to hold my mental weight! I remind myself of this daily, and then there was this week! On Tuesday, the mom of a child with cancer reached out to me. Her daughter was a recipient of one of our M&M Wishes several months ago. However, it was something I said to this mom in an email months ago that resonated with her. Out of the blue she reached out to me on Tuesday and said she really needed to talk to someone and asked if I could make time at 4pm. Though that is the time I juggle my dad and mom, I put them on pause to call this mom. I did this because I put myself in her shoes. It is hard to know who to turn to, who to safely confide in, and who will listen without judgment. I wasn't sure what help I could be, but if someone needs me, then this becomes my priority.

This mom and I talked for an hour and we really clicked. This wasn't a counseling session! This was simply a chat from one cancer mom to another, and after our call, the mom has continued to write to me to let me know that our chat has empowered her to make some changes and these changes are working! She then said that she hoped one day she could accomplish all that I have done for the cancer community, and that she could help someone like I helped her. All I can say is when I have moments where I wonder...... have I used my degrees,? This phone call with this lovely mom reminded me without a doubt, the answer is YES, YES, and YES! It brought me great happiness this week that I could make a difference in this woman's life, allow her to see there are always options and hope, and most of all that our connection made her feel better about herself and her situation. As I told this mom, hearing that she now has a ray of hope, was one of the best gifts I could ever receive.

Saturday, April 18, 2026

Saturday, April 18, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. That day my parents and I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo. Ironically this Zoo is now very close to my home. But back then we were living in Washington, DC and coming to Reston felt like a journey to the country! Mattie absolutely loved that Zoo. It was small, very hands on and designed perfectly for little ones! As you can see Mattie went for a pony ride. He loved it, was fascinated by animals, and appreciated adventure!

Quote of the day: There is meaning in every journey that is unknown to the traveler. ~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Thankfully I was able to stabilize my dad last evening. Recap, he came home from his memory care center on Friday afternoon vomiting. He apparently swallowed food too quickly at lunch and some of it was aspirated into his lungs. I am working hard on keeping my dad out of the ER and the hospital, because with each admission, there is further decline in his cognition. 

When my parents first moved in with us in 2021, for some reason I thought my mom was going to help with my dad's care and be more self-sufficient than she is. I quickly learned that wasn't in the cards and I assure you this was a sobering reality for me. Caring for my parents is a privilege but it is also all consuming, as they need around the clock support. In the beginning I was angry, agitated, and upset with how I was unable to do anything other than their care. I literally mean I gave up everything..... meeting friends, walking, having professional in-person meetings, etc! But with time, I grew accustomed to this pace and the tasks, mainly because I knew this chapter in my life would not last forever. I would then have more freedom to pursue other things. But that was when I was married and I saw the possibility of a future. With my divorce, my vision for a future has ended. In so many ways, it doesn't matter what my day looks like.... quarantined at home, countless bathroom accidents, multiple loads of laundry, working around the clock, you get the picture, I can see nothing past my current state.  

With caregiving it is impossible to make plans. Which is why I don't make them. Case in point, imagine if I had planned something on Friday evening? It never would have happened because I was caring for my dad who was a mess and needed constant observation, as his doctor said depending on the vomiting, I would potentially have to take my dad to the ER.   

Today I did some Foundation work and took my parents out for lunch. When I got home, all the new plants needed water. I am still in the process of planting things I purchased on Friday. 

This afternoon, I planted calibrachoa. They are a hardy plant, bloom all summer long, and they remind me of small petunias (which I LOVE!).  

How do you like those ballet pink irises? I absolutely love these plants. The bulbs were given to me as a gift and frankly since I have never grown irises before, I figured it wouldn't work out! But they are thriving and propagating. I have a friend who told me they are visual reminders of my strength and ability to nurture things! 

Friday, April 17, 2026

Friday, April 17, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005. That day we took Mattie to the National Arboretum, a place we used to visit every April! Why? For many reasons, as Mattie loved nature and being outside, but also because I wanted Mattie to see the beautiful azaleas! The Arboretum has an amazing collection for as far as the eye can see. I always used to tell Mattie that the azaleas come out to celebrate his birthday! Mattie may not be alive now, but when I see an azalea..... I think of Mattie, I think of his birthday, and I think about all the times I told him that they bloom for him!

Quote of the day: If your heart is broken, make art with the pieces. ~ Shane Koyczan

I seriously can't imagine what is in store for me each day! I think if I knew.... I probably wouldn't get out of bed! This morning, I went downstairs at 6:30am to feed Indie. While looking out the window into the backyard, I saw the sprinklers running! If I have learned nothing else about grass, I have learned this from my garden guru, Steve..... you DO NOT water grass when the sun is up (the grass cells are closed when the sun is up, therefore watering the grass at that time is counterproductive, as water doesn't get absorbed into the grass cells!). You want to water grass before dawn. So in my case, Steve told me he programmed the sprinklers to go off at 2:45am! They run for about ten minutes! So why were they running at 6:30am? I naturally was confused and then panicked. But as I mentioned last night, I am grateful for various angels in my life. Steve is one of them. I literally grabbed my phone, took a photo of the sprinklers running and texted Steve at 6:45am. He got back to me immediately and I began solving the problem. I tried shutting off the programmer for the sprinklers! That accomplished nothing, so then I went to the box that holds a shut off valve for the sprinklers and turned it off! Immediately the sprinklers stopped. But what if I hadn't noticed or paid attention? I would have had a flood in the backyard and wasted a ton of water! So basically I have another problem, which will need to be corrected next week! 

At 10am, my dad's wound care nurse arrived. She assessed his stage 2 pressure sores. The treatment now involves using something called Xeroform, which is a sterile, non-adhering petrolatum dressing with 3% bismuth tribromophenate. It is designed to keep wounds moist, reducing pain and promoting healing. But the key is cutting the Xeroform to fit the size of the wound and then putting a bandage over the Xeroform. The issue with all of this is having my dad stand while I am doing this, and I assure you it is very hard doing this as one person. Due to the nature of where the sores are, it helps to have one person push back the skin and another apply the wound treatment. However, in my case, I have to figure out how to do it alone and the issue is I need to do this laborious process each time my dad uses the bathroom (which is every two hours). Truly some days I have NO WORDS!

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I went grocery shopping and back to Lowe's for my next batch of flowers. When I checked out and was in the parking lot, an employee came over to me and was directing me on how to place plants in the car. I assure you, I have done this so many times, I need no instruction. But I was kind and listened. Then he went on to tell me that I shouldn't be planting now, it is too early! He tells his customers to plant after Mother's Day! To which I laughed. You want to know what this reminded me of??? 

When I was a kid, my mom took me to a store to buy my first umbrella. I can picture this umbrella even now.... it had frills along the edges and flowers all over it! I was so happy to have my own umbrella! Do you want to know what the sale's person said to me? She said, MAY YOU NEVER HAVE A RAINY DAY! Now, as an adult I could say that this was a nice wish, but as a child, I felt the statement was mean. After all, I wanted to use my umbrella and therefore it had to rain. Funny what we remember! Any case, today's scenario had the same undertones. Here I am doing my best to try to plant in my garden and juggle another task, and instead this fellow is telling me.... you are planting too soon as we are going to have a cold weather snap this coming week! 

At 3:30pm, I went to pick up my dad and the Center's nurse came out to talk with me. Mind you, I saw her this morning, because I wanted to update her on the procedure to manage his pressure sores. But when I saw her, I knew something was wrong. She proceeded to tell me that my dad had a bad day! It would have been nice to know the problem when it happened, not three hours later, while the issues are still occurring. My dad ate lunch, ate too fast, and started chocking. In the process he aspirated food into his lungs. So he had been vomiting for hours. When they brought him out to me, he looked dazed, confused, his clothes were a mess and he proceeded to vomit by my feet. This is how I had to take him home. He was vomiting in the car and I practically drove right off the road to help him. I did contact my dad's doctor because I thought I would have to take him to the ER. But once home, I cleaned him up, changed his wound care and clothes, took his blood pressure and oxygen saturation level, and then put him in his recliner. He hasn't vomited since and is resting. So there is no fever or labored breathing, which would have led to an ER visit. But some days I ask myself.............. what have I done to deserve such a difficult and painful life.

Thursday, April 16, 2026

Thursday, April 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. For his birthday, we taped paper and activity sheets to the front hallway wall. When kids came over, they had a blast on this wall. After all, how many kids are welcomed to draw on the walls? We would leave this paper wall up for over two weeks so Mattie could continue to draw, create and do activities. He loved it and I loved watching Mattie take it all in!

Quote of the day: One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. ~ Michael J. Fox

Today was a three ring circus! I was juggling caregiving, my dad's physical therapist, an HVAC inspection, and Steve (the fellow who helps me with all things outside). I gave Steve a long list of issues today and he was with me for three hours. I really did not know what I was doing first and now that it is 7:30pm, I am worn out at every level. Of course in the midst of this circus, there were issues with the internet. I was getting all sorts of messages from equipment in the house that couldn't connect to wi-fi! If you have been following along on this blog, then you know I have a Verizon angel. I contacted the angel and he remotely managed this connectivity issue! 

I am very well aware of what has been taken from my life, but I am also very thankful for the people who I have met who help me manage issues that I can't face alone. For this I am grateful.

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. A year before childhood cancer became our reality! My parents were visiting from Los Angeles, and we went to the National Mall because it was Kite Day! In the midst of of that event, the cherry blossoms were in full peak! Those beautiful white snowy trees are the glorious blossoms! An innocent and naive moment in time!

Quote of the day: And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear. ~ Paulo Coelho

I got up extra early this morning because my Verizon Angel was coming over anytime between 8am and noon! The reason why I have to get it together so early is because it would be very hard balancing this visit with showering and toileting my dad. Which is why I get up super early, so I can manage my dad's needs and get him downstairs before anyone comes over. Why did I need the Angel over? Because I am having trouble with my TV in the bedroom and I also lost my guest wi-fi. That may not sound like a big issue, but it is! There is very poor to no cell signal in my neighborhood. Therefore, anyone who visits and wants to use their phone, needs to hop on our wi-fi! Our guest wi-fi was working perfectly until I switched to Verizon extenders two weeks ago. Any case, the Angel (as I call him) arrived and corrected these two issues immediately. He then sat down with me at my computer, and helped me with my Shared Drive. I am beyond amazed how some people are gifted in technology. I used to rely on my other half for all these issues, therefore this is beyond my comfort zone. You should see how anxious I get any time wi-fi or my computer are affected. The Angel knows this, but despite his calm and professional demeanor, I worked myself up into a silly, and developed an enormous migraine! That aside, I am so grateful for the Angel and his boss, of which I have both of their cell numbers!

Later this afternoon, once I got my parents settled, I was determined to plant the flowers I bought yesterday! Given our intense heat, I didn't want anything to die!

This is my tribute area on our porch to Mattie. You may notice the garden angel. This angel was given to me by my friend, Toni. Toni's son is Brandon, and Brandon and Mattie were the best of friends as they went through cancer treatment together. When Mattie died, Toni sent me this angel! YES 17 years ago, and I love it! The angel watches over us, it is a reminder of my Mattie, and the beautiful friendship he shared with Brandon!

I am a big basil fan! I am beginning to plant my herb garden! Basil was the first thing in! You will notice this orange Adirondack chair! The former owner of our house had this chair literally sitting among the bushes in the backyard. It was also green in color. I happen to love the chair, so my other half pulled it out of the bushes and we painted it ORANGE... Mattie Miracle's color! To me this chair is a symbol of what my life USED TO LOOK LIKE. 

Meanwhile, this is a daily occurrence of mine..... sweeping up cherry tree blossoms. I love the tree, but when the blossoms fall, it looks like pink snow. 

If you compare last night's photo to tonight's, you can see how the irises are responding to the sun and heat!

Planted more mandevillas! I absolutely love them! They are hardy, always blossoming, and a happy looking flower. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Tuesday, April 14, 2026 --- Mattie died 841 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie's friends brought him all sorts of balloons for his birthday and as you can see they made Mattie smile. Given all that Mattie faced and having to live in a pediatric intensive care unit for almost a year, the fact that he could smile at all was truly amazing. When I say that Mattie was my life's greatest teacher, I am not kidding! 

Quote of the day: Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all. ~ Emily Dickinson

This afternoon, I took my dad for his annual pacemaker check. The technician assessed the battery life, how much my dad's heart relies on the pacemaker and countless other metrics! I have learned that with some appointments, it is just better to transport my dad in Mattie's wheelchair. Every time I see that blue chair, I can't help but remember Mattie's cancer journey. It doesn't matter that it was 17 years ago, some thing are trapped and stored in my mind. 

The good news is my dad's pacemaker is only being used 15% of the time. The rest of the time my dad's heart is doing the work! In addition, there is 9.5 years left on the pacemaker's battery, which gives me peace of mind. The tech was wonderful and the whole process told only minutes and it was non-invasive. 

In addition, I received my x-ray results back and I am kidney stone free! A great achievement, given that only a few years ago, I was battling 8 stones! So between my dad's pacemaker and my x-ray, I look at these things as a ray of hope. Of course, no day is without issues. My dad is now dealing with two very large pressure sores and we start wound care again on Friday. Which means a nurse will be coming to train me and assess him weekly until these sores are healed. I can't tell you how many times I have endured this process. Soon I maybe a wound care expert myself, as each wound is different, in a different location and requires different treatments!

Spring has finally sprung in my back yard. The azaleas are a glow. Azaleas always remind me of Mattie and his birthday! My joke with Mattie was that azaleas bloom in April because they are celebrating his birthday! He always LOVED hearing that!

This is the beautiful cherry tree on my driveway!

I finally got myself to Lowe's today. I wanted to assess their plants! I bought a bunch and had many wonderful conversations with women there. Some wanted help picking out roses and others wanted to talk to me about my mandevillas! I love these vine like plants with trumpet shaped flowers! I planted several in my front yard! They are hardy and seem to always have flowers on the vine throughout the summer! 

In 2022, I was gifted iris bulbs! I never grew an iris in my life. But look at them! Half are purple and the other half are ballet pink. They are stunning plants that seem to double and spread out each spring!

The magnolias are a bloom!

I bought other plants, but did not have the time to plant them yet! I will get to them tomorrow. Since I plant alone, I take it a little bit at a time. Once I finish planting these, I will got back to Lowe's for round two of plants. 

As you can see, I am surrounded by trees and greenery. This was why I fell in love with this house in 2021, and had so many great hopes of our new chapter together. I had no idea that I would be living in this house, caregiving, and maintaining this house alone. I am well aware of my reality, but will never get or accept it. 

Monday, April 13, 2026

Monday, April 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie was in the child life playroom and was performing several magic tricks for his psychosocial team members. Each month, Mattie's head of school (Bob, the Magic Man) came to the hospital and taught Mattie magic tricks. Bob learned these skills from his dad, and passed along the love of magic to Mattie. The beauty of magic was that it did not require gross motor movement, just fine motor! Cancer did not impact Mattie's fine motor movements and he absolutely loved learning magic from Bob and what was clear was that magic made Mattie feel special..... he viewed himself as having a talent others did not possess. 

Quote of the day: We never see the full picture. We cannot know a person’s life and challenges at a glimpse. We never hear the full story. We cannot grasp a person’s viewpoint through mere words. We never feel the full pain. We cannot perceive a person’s heart and mind in a conversation. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I woke up at 5:30am! Why? Because I had my annual physical today and in order to get to that appointment at 10am, I had to get up very early. Prior to my parents moving in with me, I was NOT a morning person! If someone would have told me five years ago that I would be getting up daily before the sun rises and that I would be divorced, I would have laughed. Yet here I am. 

I knew what was going to be addressed in my doctor's appointment today.... my cholesterol level! When I am stressed out, based on past experiences with Mattie, I have a hard time maintaining a normal cholesterol level. However, the doctor did more extensive testing, which shows that I am at risk for heart disease and strokes. Seriously bring it on, what more can be dumped on me? Of course whatever health crisis I may face in the future, I face alone. Also humbling. Any case, I now have until July to stabilize my cholesterol levels, which means the doctor wants me to find the time to exercise. All I can say is DEAR GOD..... help me find the strength to care for myself, before being re-assessed in July.

In the midst of talking today, the doctor switched gears and then plays psychologist! This is NOT my favorite aspect of this doctor. Thankfully he is leaving the practice in August, because I am not sure we are a good match. The doctor knows about my personal circumstances... both caregiving and the nature of my divorce. His constant advise to me is to let everything go. To have no resentment. Some days I can handle trite statements.... today wasn't one of them. I literally snapped at him. If you think I resent what happened with my marriage, YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE. What that does is it negates my pain, hurt, shock, and trauma. So I literally said to him.... try to picture yourself married to someone for decades, for sharing a son together, a childhood cancer journey together, building a foundation together to then now NOTHING. How would you feel? Seriously, by the time I finished with him, he HAD NO WORDS! Exactly!!! As I said to him, some issues have no quick fixes and it is easy to judge someone else's circumstances without truly getting the magnitude of pain involved. 

After that appointment I walked myself over to the imaging department of the hospital for an x-ray, to track my kidney stones. I was supposed to get this x-ray done at a hospital in the city since February. But I just can't seem to find the time to get into the city (which is 40 minutes away from where I live)! So over Easter, while sitting at the dining room table talking with my mom and my friend, Mary Ann, I deduced I had to get that x-ray script and move it to a more doable hospital facility. So today I got it done. 

Later in the day, I picked up my dad at his memory care center and the director wanted to talk with me. She wanted to alert me to my dad's pressure sores. I did not take to this well. I shower my dad daily and do all his care. Therefore, alerting me to open wounds is not helpful! Not helpful because I am aware of it already and have been treating it. But these sores are between his buttock cheeks, and therefore it is impossible to bandage that area. Since he is always sitting down and is incontinent, I am facing a very steep uphill battle. I literally told the director, that either she is going to be part of the solution, and if not, she is part of my problem! Nonetheless, I wrote to my dad's doctor and asked him to send in a script to our in-home care company (who manages nursing and PT) for wound care. So here I go again with this fiasco.