Thursday, July 16, 2026

Thursday, July 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old in this photo. My parents were visiting and staying with us. Which was a balancing act, because we had limited space in the apartment and Mattie was up at all hours of the night. Literally back then, I was a zombie most days, but I have always been a person who could operate on not a lot of sleep. As you can see, Mattie was sitting in his car seat. I literally put the car seat right inside his stroller. Back then, there weren't strollers that you could snap a car seat into. Mattie preferred being held by me, but the only other thing he tolerated was his car seat. Which was why inside the house, you'd always find Mattie's car seat. At night, I literally would put the car seat right into his crib, because Mattie hated lying flat and would scream and cry until I picked him back up. As I always say.... Mattie was my greatest teacher. I learned that sleep doesn't come naturally to many infants, instead they need to be trained. That was one of many things I learned from Mattie, and in fact, many of the life lessons we gained together, have enabled me to interface with any doctor, hospital, and test result. Mattie prepared me to be the caregiver, advocate, and person I am today. 

Quote of the day: The hard truth of the dissolution of a marriage is that, while it takes two to say “I do,” it takes only one to say “I don’t.” ~ Nicole Sodoma

I think the day after any sort of milestone, that is connected with a loss, is challenging. In fact, sometimes the days after are even harder than the actual milestone date itself. In my case, intense caregiving prevents me from sitting, wallowing, or reflecting too hard on all the pain. But it doesn't take much to scratch the surface to see the consequences of my reality. 

In typical fashion I got my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs this morning. He had a make up day at his memory care center and I had to get him there early because his physical therapist was going to assess his progress. After I dropped my dad off, I then went grocery shopping. Sometimes shopping perks me up, but today it had no effect. It was just a chore. 

I came back home to deal with laundry, putting away groceries, and attempting to do more continuing education work for my license. Prior to my divorce, I could sit still for long periods of time, but now, I truly can't just be for more than 30 minutes. My body is programmed to move, address needs, and my mind, is on hyper alert, prepared to deal with the next shoe that will drop. Because from my experience, there will always be the next shoe! 

In the afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. However, we first stopped at the bank, and because of the intense heat, I brought my mom in with me. I literally know everyone who works at the bank. It is like watching an episode of the TV series, Cheers. I walk in, and everyone say.... hi Victoria! I know how all the tellers are doing, I know about their families, and I LOVE, LOVE my banker. My mom met her today. This is the amazing woman who sat down with me last Fall to help me manage debt and understand credit card interest. She did not judge me, instead, she understood that this wasn't one of my responsibilities in my marriage. But as we all acknowledged today..... I am a fast learner.

Summer used to be my favorite time of year. I love warm weather and I love seeing and caring for plants and flowers. Yet, Mattie was diagnosed on July 23, 2008, and that changed the trajectory of summers for me. Add to it being divorced. People all around me are talking about going on vacations. I haven't been on a vacation since 2021. I have had NOT EVEN ONE DAY off since my parents moved into the house. But frankly, even if I wasn't caregiving, vacations have been destroyed for me, as my future plans were to go traveling with my other half. We had experienced so many wonderful places all over the world together and though I am clearly an independent woman, I am a woman who has been in love with one person for most of adult life. It is very hard trying to find my way in the world, a world that went from....three, to two, and now one. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2026

Wednesday, July 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 15, 2007. I can tell what date it was from the two wine goblets on the table. One was blue and one was burgundy. They belonged to my paternal grandparents, who were also married on July 15. So we shared a wedding anniversary. When my grandparents died, my uncle gave me these glasses and said I should adopt my grandparent's tradition, which was to drink from these glasses on every anniversary! Hard to believe that my grandparent's glasses remain but not my marriage. 

Quote of the day: In the past when this time of year rolled around you would be buying a card and maybe a gift for your spouse. There may have been a feeling of excitement in expectation of a special dinner, event, or even a romantic getaway. But, all the positive vibes have given way to divorce. Now there is a hole where your heart used to be. Or, at least a sadness. ~ Renee Smith Ettline

There are all sorts of articles on the internet about what you "should do" on your wedding anniversary after your divorce. If you have learned anything about me from Mattie's blog, then you know I do not follow should's, other people's advice about my own grief and trauma, and I most certainly I am not going to shove this day under the rug like it did not exist. It did exist. I have hundreds of family and friends who witnessed the day with me on July 15, 1995, and I have countless blog supporters who have been reading about our life together since Mattie's diagnosis and then life after Mattie's death.  

I chose to get married at the tender age of 24, because to me life is better shared with someone you love. Today would have been my 31st wedding anniversary and we dated 7 years before getting married. So a lifetime together.

This photo was taken of me in my hotel room, right before the wedding. Here's the funny story about this dress! It was the first one I picked, tried one, and loved. My mom insisted I couldn't buy the first dress I tried on. So I went on countless dress hunts. But nothing to me compared to this dress! I still have this dress preserved in a box. My hope was one day I would give it to my child. That of course never happened. 

Me and my mom in the hotel room before the wedding. Like today, it was a sweltering day in Rye, NY. In the 100s, and at one point at our reception, the sky lit up! Not unlike fireworks, except they weren't man made, they were instead signs from nature.... heat lightning. It was magical and something I will never forget. 

We were married by Monsignor Hugh McManus. He was the priest who presided over my confirmation in the Catholic Church (when I was 13). I absolutely loved him, and traveled back to NY (I was living in Washington, DC at the time) to get married in the church I grew up in. 

Me and my bridal party. From left to right are:

Jen, Karen (my maid of honor), me, Colleen, and Christine. 

In 2021, while cleaning out one of my closets in the apartment, I came across a note I wrote to one of the band leaders who was going to perform at my wedding. I wanted her to know that I planned on singing a surprise song right before we cut the cake. I wanted her to know, and I wanted her and the band to sing back up! Seriously the band loved it and were thrilled to play along with me. This was what I wrote to Mary Ann (the lead singer of the band)......

I have enclosed a copy of the music "my guy" (a 1960's song, by Mary Wells) with the lyrics that I plan to sing with it. I would like the band to do the back up parts. These parts are underlined. I have also enclosed a print out of the lyrics without music. Please inform the band for me that this is a surprise for my fiancé. He has no idea that I am planning this. I would like to do this song right before it is time to cut the cake, if that is alright with the band. 

A photo of me singing on my wedding day! 

Here are the lyrics I wrote to the song, "my guy." I replaced the name with an X.

#1

X, can you believe that finally today we're married

Just 6 years ago, would you have imagined we'd marry

When we first met at Union College we got to know each other and, we were goners

I just want to tell ya how happy I am that we're married

 

#2

X, I decided it was finally my turn to surprise you

I knew you'd never suspect that I was planning to surprise you

But I felt it was important to express myself, and let everyone know that you're my true love

You best be believing that I am so happy we're married 

#3

As a couple who has travelled from Schenectady, New York and landed up living in Washington, DC, I must say that we have muddled through whatever life has, dished out and given, has in store for us.

#4

So X, my dear, this is just a little song to remind you

When things get tough you will always have me beside you

Our parents are examples that prove to us, that with work and understanding, love's forever.

I just want to tell ya how happy I am that we're married. 

This is a page from my wedding album. You maybe asking........ what is happening here? Why is everyone standing around the dance floor in a circle? Well it was the end of the reception. Everyone was having a great time. The band played and sang Dionne Warwick's song.... That's what friends are for. I knew they were going to do this, as we planned this together, as the last song of the evening! However, the original plan was that we were going to dance as a married couple while everyone watched. So we started that way, but then that did not sit well with me. Yes it was our event, but it was an event commemorated by our family and friends and I felt they needed to be acknowledged too. 

So, in typical Vicki fashion, I went off script!!! I walked over to my parents first and thanked them and gave them hugs. Keep in mind by that point people were swaying to the music and getting into it! I then went over to my former mother-in-law and thanked her and gave her a big hug (which is what you see in the photo). From there, I went around the entire circle (to my cousin Maureen.... you and Phil are in the top photo!) and thanked and hugged every person who attended and shared this special day with us. It was a beautiful and meaningful wrap up, and captured in such a poignant song.... That's what friends are for!

Tuesday, July 14, 2026

Tuesday, July 14, 2026 -- Mattie died 854 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and this was his very first trip to the beach. It was a hard beach trip, because Mattie was afraid of the water and hated the texture of the sand. That was our first and last trip down to the shoreline that year. As you can see, Mattie couldn't take his eyes off the water and he most certainly did not want me to let go of him! A year later.... Mattie loved the beach, but of course at that time, I had no idea that a year could make such a difference!

Quote of the day: My heart has a small dark chamber, an orphanage of my abandoned hopes. Every time I walk in there, I see you. I don't know why I cry. ~ Njau Kihia

Out of my office window today, I saw a bright red flower. I knew exactly what it was.... it was a gladiola. My other half planted gladiola bulbs in 2022. My former mother-in-law's mother was named Gladys. Therefore these gladiolas were a tribute to Gladys. Here's the irony of this.... I have lived in this house all these years.... but this is the first year in which a gladiola actually bloomed! I view this as a sign and I sent it to my former mother-in-law. 

Tomorrow would have been my 31st wedding anniversary. How does one acknowledge this day? Just like when Mattie died.... no one sends me birthday cards and no one is celebrating. My wedding has now been lumped into the same category..... another occasion which people try to erase and don't talk about. Yet this is my history, this has been my world since I was 19 years old. While it might be easy for others to brush the whole thing under the rug, it isn't that way for me AT ALL. This photo was taken in 2012. Why am I in front of this stone house? Because this was where we held our rehearsal dinner for our wedding. We were in Harrison, NY in 2012, and I wanted to visit this special place 17 years after we were married. 

This stone house is actually referred to as "the Mansion." It was once the countryside estate of architect John Carrere. This Normandy style mansion was built from stone quarried right from the property and rivals the estates in the historic Hudson valley. Carrere's famous works include the NY Public Library, The US House of Representatives and the US Senate. 

Do you see the little brass bell with the flower on it? We had a special rehearsal dinner and the gift we gave to all our guests at the dinner was this little brass bell. We had guests ring the bell during dinner to celebrate our pending nuptials. To this day, I still have this bell in my office. 

Now check out the little silver woman holding a cup over her head. This is called a bridal wedding cup. It was given to me by my former in-laws. In the 16th century, the cup was used as a wedding toast in which the groom drank from the larger skirt-cup, then flipped the entire piece and pivoted the smaller cup for the bride to drink from simultaneously without spilling a drop! I still have this cutie in my office, right next to the bell.

Then there was this Lladro statue of a bride and groom. We nicknamed this statue "lefty" because when I shipping it from California (where my parents lived at the time) to NY (where my wedding was), the statue broke at the left thumb. We glued it together and it was our wedding cake topper. My mom wanted to get us an intact statue, but I liked the story behind lefty and I decided.... no, I like the broken one. For years, it was our  family's inside joke! 

A shelf in my office.... you can see the wedding cup, the bell, "Lefty" and the tea cup with the roses on it (with white almonds inside). This cup was the wedding favor we gave to all our guests. I love roses and my wedding bouquet was all roses and the centerpieces were all roses too!

Can you see the glorious rose centerpiece on one of our wedding tables? I will never forget visiting the florist in New Jersey. They had refrigerators of flowers for as far as the eye could see and together we designed something that looked Victorian and magical. 

I share these photos because this is my history, this is the commitment and devotion I have had to my marriage, and why it is devastating that such an incredible union was destroyed. 

Monday, July 13, 2026

Monday, July 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. We were home and Mattie received this wooden Sponge Bob figurine from a friend. I was NOT a Sponge Bob fan and did not allow Mattie to watch it. But once he got cancer, he learned about this cartoon in clinic. Of course, the more I did not like something, the more Mattie loved it (like any kid)! In this photo, Mattie was giving me his Sponge Bob impression! Totally priceless!!! 

Quote of the day: I was in charge of everything and in control of nothing. ~ Sarah Manguso

I woke up this morning and realized things were beeping around the house and I had to address it. Yet, if I focused on the beeping, I wouldn't be able to get ready in time, make breakfast, get my dad up and my mom ready for her physical therapy session. Every day, it is a different kind of rat race! I never know what shoe is going to drop, but rest assured, something will happen. I am always braced for it. 

When I finally got my dad to his memory care center, I came home, and walked into a train wreck. The kitchen looked like there was an explosion of rubber and a flood of water all over the floor. I did not know what was going on, all I could see was my mom was walking around in circles and making the situation worse. I immediately got her to a chair to sit down, so I could assess what was going on! Because believe it or not, my mom couldn't explain what was happening, nor did she know why there was a flood of water on the floor and rubber pieces everywhere. 

It turns out while out walking with her physical therapist, the tread of her sneakers must have been coming off, so the pieces (and I mean the mind field of rubber) all over the kitchen was from her shoes. Then she did not know how to clean it while I was gone, so she got paper towels and was throwing water on the floor. Seriously I am talking a disaster in the making. 

After dealing with that, I then went to the next demand from the mortgage assumption company. Recap, I have been working on this mortgage assumption since May. When I tell you it is beyond stressful, I am not kidding, because I was denied the first time, and then quickly reapplied with my parents. I have a finite time to get this resolved thanks to my marital settlement agreement. Therefore, the stress upon me is enormous because the notion of moving right now would be detrimental to my parents. Any sort of change causes havoc, therefore, I am working very hard to get this assumption done. But as one of my family members says to me all the time..... YOU SHOULDN'T have to move, this is your home! CORRECT! I picked this house, and I have worked very hard at maintaining this house ALONE since 2023. Therefore, YES THIS IS MY HOUSE and just like anything that I love, I will fight and advocate to the very end. But why must life be this hard, this unkind, and this unfair? 

I am a big Maslow Hierarchy of Needs person! This is a theory of psychological health predicated on fulfilling innate human needs in priority, culminating in self-actualization. Since my separation and then divorce, I truly have been working at the bottom of the pyramid.... trying to manage my own and my parent's needs (food, sleep, health, security, and safety). I truly am not stable enough to even move up the pyramid to address social needs and forget about self-actualization. That is a foreign concept to me altogether. 

Sunday, July 12, 2026

Sunday, July 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic and that day he worked on creating this figure in the photo! Meet Dr. Crazy Hair. This doctor came upstairs to the in-patient unit with us and he stood right outside Mattie's room door greeting everyone entering! Dr. Crazy Hair not only had feathers for hair, but he had a big toe nail (a shell) in his coat pocket and a stethoscope made out of model magic. When I asked Mattie why the doctor had a "toenail" in his pocket, his response was "it was infected and he pulled it right off of a patient."

Quote of the day: The whole world seems tilted, my inner ear displaced by a hole where my spouse used to be. ~ Suzanne Finnamore

Today was another winner of a day. Eating with my dad is becoming more and more challenging. He still thinks he likes to go out to eat, which is why I do it, but I find he no longer likes to eat anything that he used to love. Even things he loved a month ago! My dad used to love shrimp. He would order it everywhere. Now he isn't interested in it at all. In fact, what primarily interests him is bread and butter and potatoes or corn. 

Each week, I never know what I am going to get, what he will eat, or will he shovel too much food in his mouth and choke. Eating with him, means constant policing. I am not policing him about etiquette, I am policing him about hygiene and safety issue. My dad ALWAYS has a runny nose when he eats! It doesn't matter what the season is and unfortunately if I do not instruct him to blow his nose, he will let this dripping fluid migrate into his mouth. When I take him out, I have countless packets of tissues (he can go through a whole packet in one meal at least) and garbage bags with me to collect all used tissues. 

Today the restaurant put chopped tomatoes into the corn dish. My dad refused to eat the tomatoes. Instead of picking them out or having me do it, he would instead put them in his mouth, chew them, and then spit them out. He did this numerous times, and despite instructing him not to eat them, he didn't listen. If my dad wants to do this kind of spitting at home, that is one thing, but I do not like him doing this in public. So it was a full afternoon of monitoring and policing. 

Mind you before we left for the restaurant, I had my dad use the bathroom. However, that served no purpose because somewhere during our meal my dad went again. He no longer tells me when he has to go, because he has no cognitive ability to feel those sensations. Therefore, I have become very good at reading his non-verbals. I know all the telltale signs of him having to use the bathroom. Though I suggested we leave the table and use the bathroom twice, he refused. I am pretty sure he refused because he doesn't want to get up and walk. 

By the time I got my dad up to leave the restaurant for home, it was like looking at a crime scene. It was so bad, that I decided I couldn't manage this big change of clothes and clean up job at the restaurant. So instead, I put my dad in the car, protected the seat, and drove him home in this state. Once home, it took me about twenty minutes to clean him, change him into clean clothes, and replace all his wound care bandages. Which then led to another round of laundry. I can't tell you how many times my washing machine runs in one day, all I can say is thank goodness I am not living in my Washington, DC apartment, because the notion of fighting other tenants for machines would do me in completely. I did it for 20+ years, even with a baby in tow, but I neither have the fortitude or energy for that anymore. 

Saturday, July 11, 2026

Saturday, July 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Next to Mattie was Brandon and Jocelyn, Mattie's closest buddies. That day Brandon was celebrating his 19th birthday! Remember that Mattie was 7, and yet he related to Brandon and Jocelyn and not the other kids closer to his age at the hospital. What I do know is Brandon was an amazing friend to Mattie. Even when he completed his cancer treatment, he came to the hospital to visit Mattie (and he lived over an hour away from the hospital) and the day Mattie died, Brandon was in the room with us as we had an impromptu wake around Mattie. I learned a lot from Mattie's special friendships. 

Quote of the day: Trust is the bedrock of intimacy; it is the ability to rely on someone because you believe that he or she has your best interest at heart. ~ Chana Levitan

There are days when my reality hits more so than others. Weekends are particularly hard. As there is not as much structure to our Saturdays and Sundays. It is in these moments, when I can't help but miss my other half and our life and history together. This July 15th would have been our 31st wedding anniversary, and we dated 7 years prior to that, so in essence a lifetime together. In moments when I am overwhelmed, I garden. I spent two hours outside trimming bushes and pulling weeds. 

One of the wonderful features of the garden is this bubbler fountain. The previous owner installed it and I LOVE it! So do the birds. I enjoy hearing the water, and find that sound alone so therapeutic. The motor of this fountain died last year and I was in a panic about how to fix this problem. But Steve (my lawn care guru) replaced the motor and got a powerful one so that I could hear the cascading water. 

 

Despite the heat, the garden is thriving. 

In the spring of 2025, I bought a geranium plant at Lowe's. It did so well last summer, that I brought the pot inside for the winter and the plant continued to thrive. So I brought it back outside for the summer. Can you see how big this plant has gotten? On either side of the germanium are poinsettias! Here is the funny story about this.... typically I kill these plants before Christmas is over. But I now have four poinsettias that are thriving from year to year! 

My basil is in this big barrel planter and the wall hosts my other herbs (mint, chive, oregano, thyme, and rosemary)! When I was married, we also grew vegetables. Now I can't look at a vegetable in a garden without thinking of what my life used to look like. Needless to say, I will never be growing a vegetable in my garden. 

My rose garden, planted for me by my other half. When we bought this house, there were many parts of the backyard that needed thoughtful reimaging. This was one of those areas!

This area of the garden was also a runaway nightmare. We corrected that! Now I have roses growing there, along with lilacs and irises! All of this is my therapy, where I check my problems, fears, and worries at the door, and just absorb the greenery and beauty. 

Friday, July 10, 2026

Friday, July 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that week we took him to Boston to visit his grandparents. Want to know what Mattie was looking at? Try chipmunks! This was a first for Mattie and he was intrigued by these furry creatures. So much so that he named one... Chippy! When Mattie entered kindergarten in September of 2007, his teacher was helping the children learn to write and to specifically write a short story. She encouraged parents to provide a photo of something that would inspire their children to want to compose. So Mattie and I quickly knew what photo to bring to the classroom..... CHIPPY OF COURSE! That year, there were many wonderful stories written by this furry friend. 

Quote of the day: Mourning is the experience of grief that we have when something we had a deep connection to has ended. It is the feelings that we go through and the ways we express our sadness and emotions. It is both an internal and external experience that makes us feel like we are barely able to control anything happening, even ourselves and our emotions. ~ Nira Hardeen

This morning started with a visit from my dad's nurse. She has been guiding me on the treatment of my dad's pressure sores. Just when I think we have turned a corner, the wounds open back up and get bigger. I have been at this vicious cycle for months now. With no end in sight!

After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I came home and had to work on Foundation paperwork. It is that time of year, when our accountant works on our 990 and audit. Thankfully I have been at this since 2023, so the process is no longer new to me. But when the financials were first turned over to me in 2023, there was a sharp learning curve, because in all of our years in operation, I never managed the books. I did everything else... communications with supporters, corporate sponsors, hospitals, volunteers, and all administrative and fundraising work! I have to admit when I took the financials over, I was playing Columbo, as I truly had to comb through bank statements and other documentation to get an understanding of expenditures. But now, just like with my personal life, I know everything coming in and going out! I have been transformed from the girl that everyone said isn't good with numbers, and basically not to worry my little head with finances, to a person who is now fully in control. This is the main growth point that has taken place in my separation and divorce. That said, I would take clueless and naive any day over my reality. 

The Foundation received an application for a Wish today. Our Wishes program started when one of our board members died from ovarian cancer. Margy had run her own childhood cancer non-profit for 20 years, and offered countless wishes to children. In memory of my friend, I have worked with her family to incorporate Margy's wishes program into Mattie Miracle. Our M&M Wishes program started in 2022. Since that time, we have awarded 77 wishes in 24 states! It has become a very successful program. But unfortunately we live in a world where some people apply for wishes just to get the money, but have no childhood cancer diagnosis in the family. I have caught many of these fraudulent applications, so my radar is always up, because I am adamant that only children with cancer receive these wishes. Supporters trust us and are donating to the cause, so I am vigilant about how funds are used. 

Today, I received an application and had to follow up with the child's nurse to confirm that this patient was indeed being treated at the institution in question. Through our conversation, the nurse said to me (who was in Arizona)..... I never heard of Mattie Miracle. To which point I said to her.... have you heard of the evidence based Psychosocial Standards of Care?  To which she said of course.... she knew about the 15 Standards! I then told her if she knows the Standards, then she knows Mattie Miracle. Because without our vision and funding the development of the Standards..... there would be NO STANDARDS of care. When I tell you this woman was stunned, I am not kidding! She requested my name and phone number, as she wanted to tell the department's oncologist about Mattie Miracle. She then thanked me for having this vital vision and for all that we do for the field and children with cancer! 

Thursday, July 9, 2026

Thursday, July 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient pediatric physical therapy clinic, working with Anna. I can't tell you how many games and strategies we employed to get Mattie to exercise his arms and legs. It took a very creative therapist to work with Mattie, and Anna was the perfect match. I will never forget how hard she worked with Mattie and what an incredible support she was to me. She provided an amazing balance between the reality of Mattie's condition and instilling great hope. 

Quote of the day: When we lose someone we love and we also lose a part of ourselves, it's something more. When who we have lost is so deeply connected to who we are, when we are inextricably linked not only to a person but to our connection to them, the loss of our relationship is often a loss of our own self. That is why such loss stretches beyond being heartbroken to being soulbroken. ~ Stephanie Sarazin

This photo showed up in my email in-box today. My grandmother talked about this photo for years. This photo was taken in Sorrento, Italy. The elbow next to me was my grandmother. As you can see, I was drinking a coca cola. I look at this photo now, and think about how happy my life was growing up. I grew up in a loving and intact family and from such a solid foundation, one would have thought that would have translated into my adult life. Unfortunately that was not the case. Seeing this photo still makes me smile. 

A friend of mine shared the concept of a stress bucket with me. Picture a bucket, and piles of stress going into the bucket. At some point, without a break, the bucket will overflow. When that happens a crisis can unfold. The notion of the stress bucket has been floating around in my mind. This morning, when I woke up, I decided that I had to call my dentist. Why? Because a few weeks ago, my dental cleaning was moved to this coming Tuesday at 3pm, to accommodate the hygienist's schedule. Mind you, I always go for doctor visits when my dad is at his memory care center, and before I need to take my mom out at 1pm. So my appointments are usually around 11am. But when my dental appointment got cancelled weeks ago, I was given the only appointment available with my hygienist. At the time, I just took it. That is me, always accommodating to everyone else's needs.

But this morning, I said to myself.... NO! NO WAY! Tuesdays are crazy days in general at my home with both physical therapy sessions and a nurse visiting my dad. After which, my parents like to go out for a snack. It would be impossible for me to balance all of this and get to my dental visit on time. My dentist is in Washington, DC, which takes me about 40 minutes to drive one way, without traffic. As I was plotting out this appointment in my mind, what dawned on me is that after my dental visit, I would be hitting rush hour traffic trying to get out of the city. All of this was more than enough to make my head spin. So at 8am today, I called the dentist and worked on rescheduling the appointment. I have to wait until September, but that is fine with me. 

I am sure this doesn't sound like a big deal or earth shattering. But for me it is, as I typically do not think about what is in my best interest. Today, I not only thought about what was in my best interest, but I did something about it. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2026

Wednesday, July 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old. Back then, childhood cancer was not on my radar scope. I refer to that time in my life as, being in Disneyland! By that point in time, Mattie loved the water and playing in it. We had smaller kiddie pools on our deck in the past, but Mattie requested a larger one. This pool may not look it, but it literally took up about half of our deck space. Nonetheless, if it brought happiness to Mattie and he got use out of it, I was all for it. This was an unusual photo, because typically Mattie would throw all sorts of toys in the water with him and then create elaborate play schemes. So the fact that it was just Mattie in the water, captures my attention.

Quote of the day: If there was some way of knowing which boys were likely to turn out to be decent men, boys that could love us back as passionately as we felt we could love them, then we could banish the likelihood of divorce and unhappiness to a statistically unlikely outcome. ~ Belinda Jeffrey

This morning I was trying to get my dad ready for his memory care program and my mom set up for her physical therapy session. My mom has been working on and off with a therapist for about two years now. This therapist also works with my dad. I found this home health agency in 2022, after my dad had his pacemaker placement. This company has been working with me for years now. The beauty of this long-term connection, is they see the changes in my parents over time. Today, the therapist explained to my mom the changes he has seen in her balance and gait over the last two years. I think that was sobering for my mom to hear. My mom used to love to walk, and she still does, but when outside the house, she will only walk if she is holding my hand. I manage, but this is complicated when also trying to care for my dad. There is only one of me and I only have two hands. 

This afternoon, my friend who I met virtually when I became separated, sent me a self assessment. We live in different countries, yet we try to support one another. It is very hard to explain to someone who isn't living our life, the devastation of being divorced. Divorced, not by choice. 

The self assessment is longer than this, but these two pages were the most meaningful to me. When I looked at this check list, I would say.... I am proud of myself.... I am doing everything on this list. I say proud of myself.... because given all that I balance everyday with my parents, managing the house, finances, the Foundation, and the emotional toll of a divorce, it would VERY easy to let my health go by the way side. But I am very aware of the fact, that if I am not physically healthy, I can't be a caregiver. So I believe that is my biggest motivator. I have even begun incorporating 30 minutes of aerobic exercise to my daily routine. I have been at this for a month now. Naturally I am curious to see if this exercise impacts my cholesterol level (which will be reassessed at the end of July). 

The next part of the assessment was a psychological component. For the most part, I am doing fairly well in this department too. I admit I don't have time for hobbies and forget about vacations (I DON'T even remember what that is like, since I haven't been on a vacation since 2021..... I have been caregiving non-stop for five years now. But without my other half, I have NO INTEREST in travel!). I am big on expressing myself and do that with a handful of trusted people and of course on this blog (thank you!!), and when in doubt and all else fails.... I turn on a Hallmark movie. It takes my mind off my issues and transports me into a happier and more beautiful world, where people are kind, loving, and there is always a HAPPY EVER AFTER!  

The social part of this assessment was a bit harder for me. Yet even with that said, I have learned to ask professionals for help with managing finances, legal matters, and house issues. In addition, I am in touch with a small network of people and do meet new people weekly because I am actively taking my parents out. These outings causes me to interact with people in restaurants, hospitals, doctor offices and so forth. It would be very easy to hibernate and shut the world out given how I am feeling. After all, the greatest trust and faith I had in someone, was severed. Therefore, that leaves me in a position to evaluate and be skeptical of everything and everyone. It takes great effort to fight those feelings, and to be true to who I am, and not be defined by my divorce. 

Tuesday, July 7, 2026

Tuesday, July 7, 2026 -- Mattie died 853 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. My parents were visiting and we took Mattie to one of my favorite places.... the Washington, DC Aquatic Gardens. These Gardens are off the beaten path and truthfully if you drove through the neighborhood of DC, you would never guess that this piece of paradise was just around the corner. We loved going there every July, when the lotus flowers were in bloom. What is hard to believe is that just weeks later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: It is hundreds of tiny threads of memories, which sew people together through the years. Despite, their mental separation they stay woven into that tapestry out of habit, emotion, obsession or fear. ~ Shannon L. Alder

Tonight's quote really speaks to me, because I absolutely agree. When you have grown up and lived with someone for decades, they do become part of your tapestry. That is the beauty of a marriage, you are two people who integrate in heart, mind, and spirit, forming one unified bond. When that half of yourself gets carved out, it is disorienting. I have a friend, who I met in a support group (the same group, I left after two sessions), and we communicate daily. We live in completely different countries and yet our lives are in parallel. As we say all the time.... we are moving about, we are productive, we are accomplishing tasks and things, but we feel absolutely empty. Hollow! Being busy and productive, doesn't equate to feeling connected, being happy, or having joy in life. Instead, the more meaningful aspects of life, that make life worth living, come down to our interconnections. You could uproot me, put me on a space craft and dump me on the moon, and the trauma of what happened to me would follow. It becomes very hard not to be defined by divorce, as the consequences are all consuming at times. 

Changing gears, yesterday, as I was driving my dad to his memory care center, I noticed an ambulance and fire truck at my neighbor's house. I could see someone coming out on a stretcher. I literally opened my car windows, pulled over to the curb, and told my dad that I would be right back. My neighbor's husband was rushed to the hospital and I stopped to chat with her and lend support. As I told her, I maybe busy, but she is never alone. She can call me anytime.

This evening, I had a chance to connect with my neighbor. She wanted to thank me for moving her trash cans back to her house (as it was trash day) and then said something that surprised me. She said.... "You (meaning me) deal with crises and issues every day, and tackle each one with little to no help. You are strong and resourceful. But I am not like you!" Early on, I connected this neighbor to my dad's home health company, and today she decided to call them to ask for some help with things. Again, she wanted to thank me for sharing resources and for being there for her. 

My point to all of this is it is amazing to hear how I am perceived by others. I haven't reported on the blog everything I faced when I became separated in 2023, but what I do know is the average person would have cowered in the corner, and collapsed. I now have a much greater understanding for why people die by suicide and it takes great courage, strength, determination, and faith to find a way forward every day. My life has been shattered and though others may view me as strong and resourceful, which I acknowledge, I miss having a partner in crime. A partner who shared decades with me, and who also endured the beauty of Mattie and the heartbreak of losing him.