Thursday, April 16, 2026

Thursday, April 16, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. Mattie was two years old. For his birthday, we taped paper and activity sheets to the front hallway wall. When kids came over, they had a blast on this wall. After all, how many kids are welcomed to draw on the walls? We would leave this paper wall up for over two weeks so Mattie could continue to draw, create and do activities. He loved it and I loved watching Mattie take it all in!

Quote of the day: One’s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. ~ Michael J. Fox

Today was a three ring circus! I was juggling caregiving, my dad's physical therapist, an HVAC inspection, and Steve (the fellow who helps me with all things outside). I gave Steve a long list of issues today and he was with me for three hours. I really did not know what I was doing first and now that it is 7:30pm, I am worn out at every level. Of course in the midst of this circus, there were issues with the internet. I was getting all sorts of messages from equipment in the house that couldn't connect to wi-fi! If you have been following along on this blog, then you know I have a Verizon angel. I contacted the angel and he remotely managed this connectivity issue! 

I am very well aware of what has been taken from my life, but I am also very thankful for the people who I have met who help me manage issues that I can't face alone. For this I am grateful.

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Wednesday, April 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2007. A year before childhood cancer became our reality! My parents were visiting from Los Angeles, and we went to the National Mall because it was Kite Day! In the midst of of that event, the cherry blossoms were in full peak! Those beautiful white snowy trees are the glorious blossoms! An innocent and naive moment in time!

Quote of the day: And one has to understand that braveness is not the absence of fear but rather the strength to keep on going forward despite the fear. ~ Paulo Coelho

I got up extra early this morning because my Verizon Angel was coming over anytime between 8am and noon! The reason why I have to get it together so early is because it would be very hard balancing this visit with showering and toileting my dad. Which is why I get up super early, so I can manage my dad's needs and get him downstairs before anyone comes over. Why did I need the Angel over? Because I am having trouble with my TV in the bedroom and I also lost my guest wi-fi. That may not sound like a big issue, but it is! There is very poor to no cell signal in my neighborhood. Therefore, anyone who visits and wants to use their phone, needs to hop on our wi-fi! Our guest wi-fi was working perfectly until I switched to Verizon extenders two weeks ago. Any case, the Angel (as I call him) arrived and corrected these two issues immediately. He then sat down with me at my computer, and helped me with my Shared Drive. I am beyond amazed how some people are gifted in technology. I used to rely on my other half for all these issues, therefore this is beyond my comfort zone. You should see how anxious I get any time wi-fi or my computer are affected. The Angel knows this, but despite his calm and professional demeanor, I worked myself up into a silly, and developed an enormous migraine! That aside, I am so grateful for the Angel and his boss, of which I have both of their cell numbers!

Later this afternoon, once I got my parents settled, I was determined to plant the flowers I bought yesterday! Given our intense heat, I didn't want anything to die!

This is my tribute area on our porch to Mattie. You may notice the garden angel. This angel was given to me by my friend, Toni. Toni's son is Brandon, and Brandon and Mattie were the best of friends as they went through cancer treatment together. When Mattie died, Toni sent me this angel! YES 17 years ago, and I love it! The angel watches over us, it is a reminder of my Mattie, and the beautiful friendship he shared with Brandon!

I am a big basil fan! I am beginning to plant my herb garden! Basil was the first thing in! You will notice this orange Adirondack chair! The former owner of our house had this chair literally sitting among the bushes in the backyard. It was also green in color. I happen to love the chair, so my other half pulled it out of the bushes and we painted it ORANGE... Mattie Miracle's color! To me this chair is a symbol of what my life USED TO LOOK LIKE. 

Meanwhile, this is a daily occurrence of mine..... sweeping up cherry tree blossoms. I love the tree, but when the blossoms fall, it looks like pink snow. 

If you compare last night's photo to tonight's, you can see how the irises are responding to the sun and heat!

Planted more mandevillas! I absolutely love them! They are hardy, always blossoming, and a happy looking flower. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Tuesday, April 14, 2026 --- Mattie died 841 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie's friends brought him all sorts of balloons for his birthday and as you can see they made Mattie smile. Given all that Mattie faced and having to live in a pediatric intensive care unit for almost a year, the fact that he could smile at all was truly amazing. When I say that Mattie was my life's greatest teacher, I am not kidding! 

Quote of the day: Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul – and sings the tunes without the words – and never stops at all. ~ Emily Dickinson

This afternoon, I took my dad for his annual pacemaker check. The technician assessed the battery life, how much my dad's heart relies on the pacemaker and countless other metrics! I have learned that with some appointments, it is just better to transport my dad in Mattie's wheelchair. Every time I see that blue chair, I can't help but remember Mattie's cancer journey. It doesn't matter that it was 17 years ago, some thing are trapped and stored in my mind. 

The good news is my dad's pacemaker is only being used 15% of the time. The rest of the time my dad's heart is doing the work! In addition, there is 9.5 years left on the pacemaker's battery, which gives me peace of mind. The tech was wonderful and the whole process told only minutes and it was non-invasive. 

In addition, I received my x-ray results back and I am kidney stone free! A great achievement, given that only a few years ago, I was battling 8 stones! So between my dad's pacemaker and my x-ray, I look at these things as a ray of hope. Of course, no day is without issues. My dad is now dealing with two very large pressure sores and we start wound care again on Friday. Which means a nurse will be coming to train me and assess him weekly until these sores are healed. I can't tell you how many times I have endured this process. Soon I maybe a wound care expert myself, as each wound is different, in a different location and requires different treatments!

Spring has finally sprung in my back yard. The azaleas are a glow. Azaleas always remind me of Mattie and his birthday! My joke with Mattie was that azaleas bloom in April because they are celebrating his birthday! He always LOVED hearing that!

This is the beautiful cherry tree on my driveway!

I finally got myself to Lowe's today. I wanted to assess their plants! I bought a bunch and had many wonderful conversations with women there. Some wanted help picking out roses and others wanted to talk to me about my mandevillas! I love these vine like plants with trumpet shaped flowers! I planted several in my front yard! They are hardy and seem to always have flowers on the vine throughout the summer! 

In 2022, I was gifted iris bulbs! I never grew an iris in my life. But look at them! Half are purple and the other half are ballet pink. They are stunning plants that seem to double and spread out each spring!

The magnolias are a bloom!

I bought other plants, but did not have the time to plant them yet! I will get to them tomorrow. Since I plant alone, I take it a little bit at a time. Once I finish planting these, I will got back to Lowe's for round two of plants. 

As you can see, I am surrounded by trees and greenery. This was why I fell in love with this house in 2021, and had so many great hopes of our new chapter together. I had no idea that I would be living in this house, caregiving, and maintaining this house alone. I am well aware of my reality, but will never get or accept it. 

Monday, April 13, 2026

Monday, April 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie was in the child life playroom and was performing several magic tricks for his psychosocial team members. Each month, Mattie's head of school (Bob, the Magic Man) came to the hospital and taught Mattie magic tricks. Bob learned these skills from his dad, and passed along the love of magic to Mattie. The beauty of magic was that it did not require gross motor movement, just fine motor! Cancer did not impact Mattie's fine motor movements and he absolutely loved learning magic from Bob and what was clear was that magic made Mattie feel special..... he viewed himself as having a talent others did not possess. 

Quote of the day: We never see the full picture. We cannot know a person’s life and challenges at a glimpse. We never hear the full story. We cannot grasp a person’s viewpoint through mere words. We never feel the full pain. We cannot perceive a person’s heart and mind in a conversation. ~ Richelle E. Goodrich

I woke up at 5:30am! Why? Because I had my annual physical today and in order to get to that appointment at 10am, I had to get up very early. Prior to my parents moving in with me, I was NOT a morning person! If someone would have told me five years ago that I would be getting up daily before the sun rises and that I would be divorced, I would have laughed. Yet here I am. 

I knew what was going to be addressed in my doctor's appointment today.... my cholesterol level! When I am stressed out, based on past experiences with Mattie, I have a hard time maintaining a normal cholesterol level. However, the doctor did more extensive testing, which shows that I am at risk for heart disease and strokes. Seriously bring it on, what more can be dumped on me? Of course whatever health crisis I may face in the future, I face alone. Also humbling. Any case, I now have until July to stabilize my cholesterol levels, which means the doctor wants me to find the time to exercise. All I can say is DEAR GOD..... help me find the strength to care for myself, before being re-assessed in July.

In the midst of talking today, the doctor switched gears and then plays psychologist! This is NOT my favorite aspect of this doctor. Thankfully he is leaving the practice in August, because I am not sure we are a good match. The doctor knows about my personal circumstances... both caregiving and the nature of my divorce. His constant advise to me is to let everything go. To have no resentment. Some days I can handle trite statements.... today wasn't one of them. I literally snapped at him. If you think I resent what happened with my marriage, YOU ARE WAY OFF BASE. What that does is it negates my pain, hurt, shock, and trauma. So I literally said to him.... try to picture yourself married to someone for decades, for sharing a son together, a childhood cancer journey together, building a foundation together to then now NOTHING. How would you feel? Seriously, by the time I finished with him, he HAD NO WORDS! Exactly!!! As I said to him, some issues have no quick fixes and it is easy to judge someone else's circumstances without truly getting the magnitude of pain involved. 

After that appointment I walked myself over to the imaging department of the hospital for an x-ray, to track my kidney stones. I was supposed to get this x-ray done at a hospital in the city since February. But I just can't seem to find the time to get into the city (which is 40 minutes away from where I live)! So over Easter, while sitting at the dining room table talking with my mom and my friend, Mary Ann, I deduced I had to get that x-ray script and move it to a more doable hospital facility. So today I got it done. 

Later in the day, I picked up my dad at his memory care center and the director wanted to talk with me. She wanted to alert me to my dad's pressure sores. I did not take to this well. I shower my dad daily and do all his care. Therefore, alerting me to open wounds is not helpful! Not helpful because I am aware of it already and have been treating it. But these sores are between his buttock cheeks, and therefore it is impossible to bandage that area. Since he is always sitting down and is incontinent, I am facing a very steep uphill battle. I literally told the director, that either she is going to be part of the solution, and if not, she is part of my problem! Nonetheless, I wrote to my dad's doctor and asked him to send in a script to our in-home care company (who manages nursing and PT) for wound care. So here I go again with this fiasco. 

Sunday, April 12, 2026

Sunday, April 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and that day we took the wheelchair and strolled down to the National Mall. When we lived in the city, the Mall was in our backyard and Mattie loved all the water features and the ducks! I remember this moment in time. When I look at these photos, my life looked completely different.... we were a family of three!

Quote of the day: Anyone can give up; it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength. ~ Chris Bradford

I woke up this morning and just like every morning this week, I went outside... pajamas and all, to look at the pool. I have been tracking water loss daily! On Friday, Avery (the pool company owner's son) came to look at my issue. He wrote to me and told me that he addressed some of the leaks he could see in the filter system. Certainly I noted this, but with my luck, I figured it wouldn't work. When I tell you I live in constant fear and anxiety DAILY, I am not kidding. 

Low and behold, guess what? When I went to look at the water level this morning..... it stayed constant!!! There was no change from the day before! Seriously I wanted to have a party! Later today Avery came back and I ran outside to talk to him. I told him that he is my pool miracle worker, because I seriously thought there was something even bigger wrong with the pool (beyond the resurfacing we did on Monday)! Avery was so touched that I came out to personally thank him! What Avery and so many others don't understand is that I am balancing all of this alone and therefore I am grateful for whatever help I get!

I then went about my usual morning chores, which means going to the basement, vacuuming up kitty litter and cleaning out Indie's boxes. YES boxes! Since she got a second box, she has had NO MORE accidents on the floor. I thought the vet was crazy, but she was correct. I guess as Indie ages, she wants variety in litter boxes. Any case, while in the basement, something in my head said.... check the utility room! So I opened the door and what did I find..... water all over the floor! I did not panic, but I mobilized to figure out where the water was coming from! I figured it out... when I opened the hose bibs for the pool company this week, one of the bleeder valves wasn't tightened enough from winterization. So instead the valve was dripping out water. I ran upstairs, got a plyer and fixed that issue, cleaned up the water, sprayed Lysol, and ran a fan for a while until everything was completely dry. Another crisis averted. 

Today was my dad's 91st birthday! I gave him a manicure, a haircut, and a shave with a razor (not an electric razor). My dad can understand that it is his birthday and he appreciated cards and gifts. Our close family friend, Phyllis, in Los Angeles sent my dad a card. This card really made his day. Within the card, was a photo of my dad and his best friend, John (Phyllis' husband), that was taken in 2006.... when my dad was 71 years old! 

This was the photo of my dad with John. My dad was so touched by this photo that he wanted me to immediately frame it. I ran around the house and found a frame. This photo now sits on the table by my dad's recliner. It is ironic, because my dad can't remember most people in his life (and I mean significant people too!), but my dad has never forgotten John and Phyllis. My dad was friends with John for 41 years! 

We took my dad out again today, and Cheryl (a server we have befriended since 2021) helped to celebrate my dad's day. She had confetti on the table, chocolate chip cookies (my dad's favorites), and lots of other goodies! 

The birthday boy! As I told my dad today, it was always clear that my mom and I were his priority. There was never any doubt that he loved us and was committed to our family. I told him he is a rare breed!

Saturday, April 11, 2026

Saturday, April 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. Mattie was celebrating his 7th birthday in the hospital. That day, his art therapists made him a special card. To you and me, a roach card probably wouldn't be appreciated. But Mattie had a fascination with these bugs. Probably because he knew I hated them. The year we were in the hospital, the roach, became quite prominent..... Mattie painted a huge roach on the ceiling of the outpatient clinic, he had rubber roaches to scare nurses, he made clay roaches and the list went on! Whatever inspired Mattie to engage with the world and forget cancer for a minute or two, I applauded!

Quote of the day: As we advance in life it becomes more and more difficult, but in fighting the difficulties the inmost strength of the heart is developed. ~ Vincent van Gogh

As my dad is celebrating his 91st birthday on Sunday, I tried to go back into my electronic folders to look at photographs I took over the last 6 years. If you have been following along, then you know I have been having issues with my shared drive. This is a drive we used for years, in which we stored a LARGE amount of data. Much more data than I would wish to pay for to store documents and photos on the cloud. The shared drive basically has my life on it from the Foundation to years and years of photos. Which is why you can imagine how devastated I am that parts of the shared drive are missing. It is bad enough that the history of my marriage and our life together has been erased, but now not to have the actual photos, greatly upsets me. I am fortunate that I have many photos on my phone, but that doesn't even come close to the amount of photographs captured and stored over decades on the shared drive. 

All of these photos were taken in 2020. It was NOT a good year for my dad, as he developed urinary sepsis and then an impacted colon. Both issues required a week of hospitalization. Since it was during COVID, none of us were allowed in the hospital and his cognitive decline was steep without our presence. 

These photos were taken in Los Angeles. Though I did not like living in LA when I was in high school, I definitely enjoyed visiting it often. Now that my parents live with me, I had to say good-bye to my Los Angeles visits. In addition, with my divorce, I feel in so many ways my life is over. I have no interest in traveling and definitely do not have any sort of vision for a future. To me it has been a crushing loss. 

My dad used to love going out to eat. He loved food and had a great appetite. That is unfortunately changing now. 

This was a restaurant close to my parent's home in Los Angeles. I grew up going there! My grandmother loved it too.

My dad loved having outdoor time. Now I rarely can get him outside, he has no interest!

This photo was taken after my dad's hospitalizations in 2020. He had a long road to recovery but he did it! Or I should say we did it!

This photo was taken in December of 2020, we were celebrating Christmas in Los Angeles. I had made this coconut layer cake and paused for this photo. When I see this photo and look at myself today..... there is a night and day difference. There has been a profound toll on my mind, body, and spirit from 24/7 caregiving and my divorce. Whatever spark I had, was extinguished the day I became separated. 

Some of you could be reading this and wondering why on earth I am lamenting about my divorce. After all many people get divorced each year. That maybe true, but divorce doesn't fit my personality. I become committed and attached to people and things and will do whatever is necessary to keep those I love happy. I lost so much with Mattie's death, and now losing my other half is just indescribable. It is a loss I will never get over. Naturally as I am caring for my parents, I experience a little bit of loss each day. So overall, I would say that I am DROWNING in extreme loss.  

Friday, April 10, 2026

Friday, April 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009. It was Mattie's 7th birthday party, which we held in the hospital's child life playroom. Mattie's was gifted Georgetown Cupcakes to celebrate the day with his friends! As you can see Mattie was having a good time and had frosting all over his face! It was a big day for Mattie, as he spent hours decorating the playroom and planning games and activities to do with his friends. In addition, Mattie's close buddy in cancer, Brandon, came to the hospital too and stayed the entire time. You should note that Brandon was 10 years older than Mattie and he lived over an hour away from the hospital. So Brandon's decision to visit with us was a special commitment! Brandon helped all the children at the party and I know Mattie felt at ease around Brandon, because Mattie knew that Brandon understood what it was like to have cancer.

Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

My dad is turning 91 on Sunday! We started celebrating today, as I took my parents to a French restaurant that we visit on special occasions. 

I have been going to this restaurant for years. I was introduced to it by a friend, who actually took me there on my birthday many years ago. I fell in love with the old world charm and the setting! Remember I used to live in the city and this restaurant is about 40 minutes from the city. It is surrounded by greenery and gardens! So in comparison to my city views, this restaurant is serene and peaceful! 

Taking my dad out now is challenging. Mainly because whatever goes in, quickly comes out. Which means that I am going back and forth to the bathroom with him, and it involves full changes! My dad walks slowly and with a walker. He also can easily trip on any rug that is on the floor, so I have to watch him like a hawk. 

The managers know me at this restaurant because you should see what I am carrying with me. I think it is an unforgettable sight. I have a tote bag for my mom filled with seat cushions (as she finds the restaurant chairs too hard), I have a seat cushion for my dad, and a tote bag for him as well filled with clothing changes, garbage bags, gloves, etc. You would think I am moving in, rather than dining! During one of the many bathroom trips I took today, one of the managers came over to sit and chat with my mom. When I got back from the bathroom, my mom said that the manager admires me and thinks I am a very unusual person, as he says he doesn't see many daughters who do what I do. 

Any case, I tried to make today a nice experience. But it is hard.... my mom is glued to Facebook and my dad no longer talks. He will respond to me with a word or two, but for the most part, he is trapped in his body and his brain is somewhere else. It is a sad commentary. He was once a person who loved food, like myself, now not so much. 

The three of us! 

As for the pool, it may just do me in! I went out at 7am, and the water level was slightly down from yesterday. But this evening, it dropped another inch. So I went back out and marked the water line and sent another panic email to the pool company! While I was outside, I happened to bump into my neighbor. She was out walking and we chatted for 40 minutes. She alerted me to a scam that just occurred to her! Someone from a pest control company came to her door. Since this person said he was from the company she has a contract with, she assumed he was legitimate. Any case, he proceeded to tell her that her house has a mouse infestation and he needs to inspect her attic. He did and came back downstairs with photos. Photos of the infestation. He then said that he needed $15,000 to correct this problem. He even mentioned that other neighbors on our street have this issue! He was pressuring her for a decision and for money! Fortunately she was smart enough not to do this! After she got him out of the house, she called her exterminating company who confirmed this was not one of their employees! HONESTLY how scary! 

I mention this story because truly this could happen to any of us! But the one tell tale sign that something is a scam is the pressure to make an instantaneous decision and to demand money right away. All I know is whomever comes to my door, usually doesn't get very far with me. I have my handful of trusted people who I turn to for my house's needs. If you aren't on my list, you aren't getting anywhere with me!

Thursday, April 9, 2026

Thursday, April 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2009, Mattie's 7th birthday. Mattie had two birthday parties that year. One at the hospital on his actual birthday and the other at my friend, Christine's house a month later. Mattie was so excited in this photo, because friends were coming to celebrate his birthday after school. Mattie and his child life intern (Meg), spent hours decorating the child life playroom and picking out games and activities to do at the party! Meg even got Mattie out of his wheelchair and using his walker to help with set up! Meg was a force and Mattie responded to her, as she was able to inspire Mattie to take a few steps in ways that most of us couldn't! 

Quote of the day: Give yourself credit for the days you’ve made it when you thought you couldn’t. ~ Unknown

At 6:30am, I got up and walked outside to look at the pool! What I found almost sent me over the edge. I found that the pool lost over an inch of water! I can safely say anyone who is thinking of owning a pool... FORGET IT! It isn't worth it. It is a royal headache and a massive expense! When we were looking to a buy a house in 2021, our goal was to find one without a pool. But after seeing over 60 houses, I fell in love with the one we bought because of the greenery. Given that my parents were moving from Los Angeles, I figured this house would remind them more like life in California (minus the winters of course!). Any case, back to my panic! When I say panic, I am not exaggerating. 

Since last summer, I have struggled with the pool! Of course at first I did not realize I had a leak, but every week the pool company would tell me..... you need to fill your pool. I then started to figure it out.... something was wrong. I then started recording water levels daily and finally got a company here to do a bubble test. Which tested for leaks in the pool, in the pipes under the ground, and in the pool equipment. The one blessing is that I did not have pipe issues or more significant problems. On Monday and Tuesday of this week, a portion of the pool was resurfaced. I was told this would solve the problem. I saved up for months to accomplish this horrid task! So you can imagine that after paying for this ordeal, I expect NOT to lose water in the pool. At 6:30am, I literally took photos and contacted my pool company's owner. She got right back to me and later sent over Evan. Why do I mention Evan? I mention him because they know when he is around, my stress level dissipates. He is calm, professional, and knows his stuff. So when he tells me something, I know I am getting solid insights! 

I couldn't hang around to meet Evan, because I had to drive to the city to take my parents to the dentist. However, when the phone rang while I was driving, I answered it. Evan is keeping track of the water levels for me and we will see what tomorrow holds, but he thinks this water drop is understandable given the multiple back washes (reverses water flow to clean the filter) he had to do in the pool this week. All I can say is I need a miracle! You know I will be up at 6:30am tomorrow examining that water level. 

In the grand scheme of things, I do not know how I am functioning. I am not just dealing with a migraine, I am dealing with a cluster headache. Thankfully I do not get them often, but when I do get them, they can last for weeks to a month. NOTHING helps to relieve the pain. It isn't just a slight pain, it is intense. It feels like a screwdriver is going through my eye, my whole face hurts to the touch, my eyes are teary and I can hardly keep my eyes open. It is no wonder that cluster headaches are called suicide headaches! They can make you feel absolutely unstable. So how I managed a cluster headache today and transporting my parents to the city, pushing my dad in a wheelchair and coping with his multiple bathroom accidents is beyond me. My dad's hygienist has me laughing because she told everyone at the office today that if she gets sick, she wants me taking care of her. She finds me so unique because she says she hasn't meant many people who would devote their lives caring for other people in such an intense manner. Perhaps! But I assured her there are thousands of family caregivers in this country! We do what we have to do, for various reasons, but anyone who knows me knows if you are under my care, I take that VERY seriously. All my life, even as a kid, the needs of others always outweighed my own. I am aware that this is both a wonderful and detrimental thing!   

Wednesday, April 8, 2026

Wednesday, April 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. In fact, this is a follow up photo from last night! Last night's blog photo featured Mattie with his birthday cake. Mattie was very excited to have a bowling party and to be surrounded by both his kindergarten and preschool friends! Truthfully Mattie had come so far emotionally, from the days when he was a toddler, trying to cope with sensory integration issues and becoming overwhelmed by his environment and with other people. I am a firm believer that early intervention made a huge difference in his life, so that by the time Mattie entered preschool no one knew he had overcome these issues! But back to the photo..... while at Mattie's 6th birthday party, he developed a fever. When we got home, Mattie took to the couch and fell asleep! Mattie was NOT a napper, so I knew when he fell asleep during the day, he was sick! Of course three months later, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain. ~ Emil Dorian

I went to bed with a migraine and I woke up with it too. I have been struggling now for days. What would help is less stress and more sleep. But since that is not going to happen, I push on. When I went downstairs at 6:30am today, I looked out the window at the portion of the pool that was resurfaced and I freaked out. Why? Because all the water I put into the pool yesterday was gone. The water level went down over an inch. I got my painter's tape out and marked the water line with today's date and then sent an email to the pool company. This was a significant repair and therefore I expect it to solve the problem! So I have been contending with that stress on top of everything else. 

This afternoon, after I picked my dad up at his memory care center and got my parents settled, I went outside to the backyard. I cleaned up flower pots and hopefully within the next week or so, I can begin purchasing plants and garden. I find the only place where I find some sort of peace is outside. I have been separated since September 2023 and divorced since October 2024. In all reality, it feels like it was just yesterday. I am no further along in my feelings about this, other than I continue to feel devastated with no hope for a future. Certainly not the future I imagined. Each day, I wonder how could I be so wrong about my marriage? Thankfully I am not the only one shocked and confused by what is happening to me, which helps in a way, because otherwise, I could feel like I could lose my mind. 

Signing off because being by a computer hurts my eyes and head. Tomorrow, I take my parents to the city for their dentist appointments. This is an enormous stress for me, because it involves using a wheelchair and managing my dad's toileting needs while he is getting a dental cleaning and exam. It is also hard to believe that my dad is turning 91 years old on Sunday! I am glad my dad continues to live a long life, but like so many things, it makes me pause and ask why Mattie wasn't as lucky?

Tuesday, April 7, 2026

Tuesday, April 7, 2026 -- Mattie died 840 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2008. Mattie was celebrating his 6th birthday and the theme was Scooby Doo. Mattie absolutely LOVED Scooby! He must have seen every episode and movie! That year we had his birthday party at a bowling alley! Literally his entire kindergarten class and many preschool friends were invited. Mattie started out strong, but as the party was coming to an end, he developed a fever and was quite ill. Ironically three months later, he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: You are not the darkness you endured. You are the light that refused to surrender. ~ John Mark Green

It was a three rings circus today. My dad had two physical therapy sessions and I also had multiple people over trying to repair the leak in the pool. My pool company told me today that I may eventually have to resurface the entire pool! I told her, this was NOT what I wanted to hear, as I just resurfaced a portion, and I can't tell you how ridiculous this was from a cost stand point. I told her if she has to resurface the whole pool, I will have to sell a kidney! Managing this house would be hard enough even if I were married, but alone, the stress I deal with daily, along with caregiving and the Foundation is beyond believable. I am quite sure that what I juggle would send a few people cowering in a corner on any given day. At one point today, I heard an alarm going off in the house! Seriously I thought I was going to jump out the window. I went room to room, and then realized the issue was the water sensor in the house. It was going off and shut all the water off to the house. By all intensive purposes it detected a leak! Where was the leak? It was at the pool. The pool company was running water from a garden house to refill it, and so much water was being used that this water sensor in the house decided.... NOPE there is a problem, SHUT OFF THE WATER! Thankfully my plumber taught me how to manage this issue months ago if it should arise. I am sick of everything being in an app! Too many logins and passwords, they rule and have taken over my life. 

When I tell you that I could write a how to manual for women on home ownership, I am not kidding, because I have had to figure out so much on my own! The next issue today is that my house lost its Wi-Fi guest passcode. My dad's physical therapist was trying to get on Wi-Fi today and no matter what we did, it was impossible to access. This of course sent me into another panic. But I contacted the Verizon field supervisor (yes I have gotten to know him, because I have that many issues!) and they will be coming back to my home potentially tomorrow or next week. 

If you have been following along, then you know I have been struggling with a wild migraine. I have taken every medication possible to enable me to function. But today, I had to also focus on paying many, many bills and taxes. I was so overwhelmed by all of this, but instead of flipping out, I took a deep breath, and just told myself..... you will figure it out!