Tuesday, August 4, 2026

Tuesday, August 4, 2026 -- Mattie died 857 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2005. We were visiting my parents in Los Angeles, which was our August tradition. That day we took Mattie to the George C Page Museum, or better known as the La Brea Tarpits! Mattie absolutely LOVED going there, because outside the museum are actual tarpits. The tarpits have natural asphalt that have been seeping up from the ground for tens of thousands of years. Over many centuries, the bones of trapped animals have been preserved. So in essence it is bit like going to an archeological dig, where you can see the scientists working in a tarpit! Mattie loved going to the tarpits every summer! 

Quote of the day: My experience is that divorce is almost always unilateral. It’s not a democracy. One person gets to decide the fate of not only the marriage but the family. ~ Michelle Weiner Davis

This morning, I drove my parents to the hospital so my dad could get bloodwork done. Thankfully I brought Mattie's wheelchair, because it is just too much walking for my dad. When we got into the appointment, the tech wanted to draw blood from my dad's hand. Why? Because my dad has challenging veins and she said that his hand veins were clear and easy to access. I listened to her but firmly said, NO! I am not sure if you have ever had a needle go into your hand vein, but it is painful! So it may be easier for her but it wouldn't be easier for my dad. She wasn't happy with my attitude, but I wasn't there to win a congeniality contest. What I did not realize is that they also wanted to collect urine! This is far more complicated for me to manage with my dad. Mind you she saw my dad was in a wheelchair, but she really did not care if I needed help, all she wanted was the sample. I was able to get it done, but it wasn't easy. 

Once I handed in the urine sample, she then let me know that Medicare wouldn't pay for my dad's diabetes blood work, because he just had it done less then three months ago when he was hospitalized. So she asked me if I was willing to pay for it! Now wouldn't this have been a better conversation to have BEFORE she drew blood? Now why do I need this blood work? Well first off, my dad's primary care doctor ordered it to help guide our appointment next week. But I need my dad's A1C number to provide to Medicare in order to qualify him for new shoes. Medicare pays for shoes for diabetic patients once a year. But the hoops you need to jump through to get these shoes is bordering on insane. I need to get my dad's A1C checked, I need to have him see his primary care doctor, and then I need to go back to the foot doctor to get my dad's feet measured. So that is three dedicated appointments just to apply for shoes (EVERY YEAR). Seems like a total waste of money and time, as my dad has been a diabetic for decades! Does Medicare honestly think at age 91, that he no longer has diabetes? Especially since he had extensive blood work when hospitalized in May! The system is convoluted, complicated, and NOT patient family. Shuttling around a 91 year old from appointment to appointment is labor intensive. But the system just doesn't care! No one really cares about the caregiver, and rest assured NO ONE cares about the older patient! An older patient without an advocate is going to fall through the cracks and not get quality medical care. 

When I got home this afternoon, I dealt with Foundation bills and then got introduced virtually to my mortgage assumption closing agent. She happens to be a peach. Very lovely and very helpful. She walked me through the process and the remaining paperwork that will be needed. I have had a very steep learning curve on finances since I became separated. I went from not knowing anything to having to maintain the impossible. I knew little about the mortgage or the escrow and have had to quickly get up to speed. I have hated every aspect of my separation and divorce, and the only blessing I see in this nightmare is that I will now be in control of my own house. Seems like a high price to pay both financially and emotionally. 

Monday, August 3, 2026

Monday, August 3, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was my first summer trip with him to Los Angeles to visit my parents. That summer started a tradition. As I visited every August, until Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. Through Mattie we all had a second childhood. This photo was taken at the LA Zoo (by one of the hands on fish tanks), which was minutes from my parent's house. Here's the irony of this..... I went to high school in California and most of the things we did with Mattie, I never did before. So I got to see the Zoo, visit Travel Town (amazing antique trains), and explore Griffith Park and ride on the Denzel carousel. I will never forget these visits or my time in California. 

Quote of the day: A divorce is like an amputation. You survive it. But there's less of you. ~ Margaret Atwood

This morning I was juggling trying to get my dad ready and my mom ready for her physical therapy session at the same time. It is moments like these when I keep reminding myself.... I am ONE person doing the job of five. Mind you I did not sign up to do this alone, so the fact that I am produces a whole range of emotions. But at the end of the day, anyone who knows me knows I take my responsibilities seriously and therefore my mission right now is caring for my parents the best way I know how. 

My mom's physical therapist is aware of her balance issues. As her daughter and caregiver I walk a fine line between being hopeful and being realistic. At the end of the day, I expressed to my mom and the therapist today that my number one priority is my mom's safety. So though she pushes back on me on things like driving (which she hasn't done in years!), I made it clear that some things are not negotiable. Today, I think she understood what I was saying, when I told her.... okay, so let us say you drive somewhere alone, then what? Are you going to get out of the car and walk without assistance? With that she got it immediately! Because the answer is NO! 

When I was still married, my mom decided she wanted to drive to our local mall. She got LOST! Very lost! So much so that my other half was on the phone with her directing her back home. But here's the thing, I get my parents out of the house daily! Regardless of the season. It is a feat, but I think it benefits their quality of life. To which the therapist told my mom..... most 90 year old's do not get out of the house each day and that she is lucky to have such a devoted daughter. 

I spent a good portion of the day booking doctor appointments, scans for my dad and me, fighting medical bills, and then arranged for my dad's blood work tomorrow. Instead of just walking into the hospital tomorrow for blood work, I decided to make an appointment and to also confirm they had the doctor's order, as moving anywhere with my dad requires me to be strategic. Given the hospital campus is huge, I am putting my dad in a wheelchair and managing that visit that way. Thanks to Mattie, I have a transport wheelchair and naturally whenever I use it, it reminds me of Mattie's journey with osteosarcoma. It is hard to believe another September 8th is fast approaching (anniversary of Mattie's death), signifying that Mattie has been gone from my life for 17 years. It may sound like an eternity ago, to me it feels like yesterday. 

Any case, by the end of the afternoon, I did one of my favorite things..... pulling weeds. I find it very therapeutic and of course necessary in order to have a flowering garden! 

Sunday, August 2, 2026

Sunday, August 2, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2006. Every August I would fly to Los Angeles with Mattie to visit my parents. As a family we would travel to San Diego for a few days for Mattie to have an adventure. Mattie loved San Diego! It was there that he was introduced to Legoland, the Island of Coronado, the USS Midway, the famous San Diego Zoo, and let me not forget Balboa Park. I will never forget these magical moments! That afternoon, when we got back to the hotel, I snapped this photo of Mattie on our hotel balcony. I miss that face, I miss Mattie's energy, and his incredible passion for life and exploration! 

Quote of the day: How beautiful a day can be when kindness touches it! ~ George Elliston

It was another challenging day with my dad's irritable bowel issues. I got so frustrated by 5pm from dealing with this, that I went into another room and was screaming my head off. Apparently I screamed so loudly that I now have a sore throat. 

I took my parents out to brunch today. It is a Sunday tradition over the last five years. Since each of my parents have mobility issues, I now have to escort my parents from the car, one at a time. I took my mom in first and when I got to the table it was decorated for my birthday! Here's the funny thing! I celebrated my birthday last weekend at the restaurant with Cheryl, our long time server. But recently Cheryl decided to work the brunch shift every other Sunday. So when Cheryl isn't there, I work with Rachel and Stephany. When Rachel and Stephany learned it was my birthday last week, they took it upon themselves to celebrate with me today. I actually was stunned, as I haven't known them very long. They had the table decorated with birthday necklaces and they gave me a card and gifts. I am not sure how they knew, but I LOVE tea towels and lotion. I have a kitchen towel for all occasions. These towels brighten up my day and this one has a meaningful saying, as everyone in the restaurant observes me from Sunday to Sunday. They also observed, over these last five years, that I went from being married to now divorced and caring for my parents alone. I have learned that people observe so many things and are good at connecting the dots without me having to say a word!  

I have been feeling rather low lately and today's card and sentiments perked me up. 

I found their messages very touching. It just goes to show you that showing and sharing kindness with others is actually appreciated. I find it fascinating that these two young women (in their 20s), view me as having beautiful energy and are happy to have me in their lives. 

I am not sure why this caught me by surprise, but it did. I wasn't expecting this today and I had no real insight into how these women felt about me until this afternoon. Why do I mention this? I mention this because when divorced, after years devoted to my other half, it is easy to lose sight of the person that I am. Which is why I am grateful when others in my life are there to remind me.

Saturday, August 1, 2026

Saturday, August 1, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2002. Mattie was four months old and we were beginning to introduce him to rice cereal. Mattie took to it like a duck to water. Mattie did not like sitting in a high chair, so initially I was feeding him either on the couch with pillows all around him or in his car seat (the only seat he LOVED!). It will always be hard for me to understand how a healthy baby could get cancer and then died. Mattie was taken too soon and I believe my life would be so much better if he was alive today. 

Quote of the day: My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes. ~ L.M. Montgomery

The other day I was visiting my neighbor. She could see that my skin was bright red. My skin looks burned, like sunburned. Yet I do not have a sunburn. I explained to my neighbor that I think I may have a sun rash. I explained to her that I put on sunscreen with a high SPF (100 to be specific). It is the same sunscreen brand I have used for years, but it is the first time I am using such a high SPF. My neighbor said that she thought I had hives from the sunscreen and not a sun rash. 

I have been reflecting on what Judi, my neighbor, said to me. Mainly because I have been outside by the pool only twice this summer with friends. Each time, I put on that sunscreen, about a day later I am covered in hives. Not just big blots, but they are warm to the touch and VERY, VERY itchy. I figured it was a sun sensitivity, but the more I think about what Judi said, I believe she was correct. I have been outside all summer gardening and have never experienced a sun rash. But when I garden I do not wear sunscreen. 

I am so uncomfortable right now as it takes great discipline not to scratch my skin. I have resorted to taking Zyrtec, using ice packs, and topical Benadryl. The first time this happened to me this summer, it took two weeks for the hives to disappear. So I have a way to go toward recovery this time. Needless to say, I am throwing out this sunscreen and going back to a lower SPF. 

It turns out that the higher SPF sunscreens have more chemicals in them that guard against the sun's UV light but can irritate the immune system. Apparently around 1% or less of the population can have sunscreen allergies like mine. Since a sun rash and sunscreen allergies can look similar, I kept reading up on this and clearly if the hives are where you placed the lotion then it is likely the sunscreen. If the rash is on sun-exposed areas where you missed applying lotion then it is likely a sun rash. Therefore, Judi nailed it, I have a sunscreen allergy.

If you are like me, then I have learned it is important to look for sunscreens that say hypoallergenic, fragrance free, and the primary active ingredient should be zinc oxide. I am hoping never to experience this sunscreen allergy again because I am physically miserable. 

Friday, July 31, 2026

Friday, July 31, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and it was third summer vacation to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. On our drive to the barrier island, we would stop at Morris Farms. It was a family tradition. I loved the fruits and vegetables and Mattie loved exploring the farm equipment! As you can see Farmer Brown was checking out the tractor. If it had wheels, then you bet it intrigued Mattie! 

Quote of the day: Divorce is the psychological equivalent of a triple coronary bypass. ~ Mary Kay Blakely

It was a day of non-stop cleanup. It started when my dad was in the shower and it has occurred throughout the day. Including Indie, who decided today to poop all over the basement rather than use her TWO litter boxes. I have been cleaning, and cleaning, and disinfecting. Of course when I picked my dad up at his memory care center, they handed me a bag of clothes filled with poop. So more cleaning. You get the picture. My joke is I don't know who I feel worse for..... me or our amazing garbage men who deal with our weekly trash. The trash bin is so horrific, that I have to clean it out weekly with white vinegar and Lysol. I could get a doctorate at this point on dealing with irritable bowel syndrome. 

At some point today, a friend of mine sent me two slides from a presentation she attended. On the slides were the concept, "resource anchors." A resource anchor is anything that offers some calmness in our mind-body. Obviously when we are better resourced, we can respond to stressors better. The next slide mentioned the who, what, where, and when of securing these resource anchors. 

Next to the "who" in the slide, it said, "think of the one who brings you a feeling of being safe." My friend knew exactly how I'd react to this, as she and I are facing different and yet the same nightmare. As soon as I saw the WHO, I could feel my heart racing and my head pounding. Because my WHO has been the same person for 35 years! When you are married for decades and grow up together, not to mention experienced the death of a child, you become each other's anchors. I would naturally turn to my other half for all good and bag things. I have now lost my anchor and my "trusted" sounding board. 

Now some of you may be saying..... you may have lost your anchor, but you have no problem moving full speed ahead and managing every task and problem you face! Sure that maybe true! I can be resourceful, because I have no other choice. My parents are relying on me, but that doesn't mean even someone who is resourceful and tenacious doesn't need a resource anchor. The problem of course is I devoted my life to that bond, a bond that I thought was unbreakable. Yet here I am divorced! Therefore, how likely do you think it is that I will allow anyone into my life again? Not just anyone, but someone who I will trust and share all aspects of my life. If the answer is NEVER, you are absolutely correct. You can fool me once, but fooling me a second time is not going to happen. 

As I was swirling around feeling distraught, I found a package in the mailbox. I opened it up and it was an extraordinary window catcher of a butterfly. Do you see it hanging on the window in our family room. I placed this special butterfly near my white rocker. Why? That was the rocker I used when Mattie was a baby. I can't tell you how much time we spent in that chair together! Though the chair isn't in good shape, I can't seem to part with it! 

A close up of the butterfly. This butterfly was given to me by my friend Tricia. Long time blog readers know that Tricia was Mattie's favorite nurse. Tricia has been on this long journey with me since 2008. How on earth can we know each other for 18 years, and yet I only had Mattie in my life for 7 years? As I say all the time, Tricia is one of the incredible gifts Mattie gave me and I consider Tricia a Mattie legacy keeper. 

This wonderful butterfly and the moon with stargazer lilies (posted on July 25), are symbolic gifts. Tricia wanted to always remind me:

That I am an amazing woman.

That I am a difference maker in the world.

That Matte is always with me.

That I have great strength and resiliency despite all that I have faced. 

I will also add that these gifts will remind me of the special connection I share with my friend Tricia. How many moms, whose children died from cancer, have such a strong connection with their child's nurse? I don't know the answer, but I suspect it is very few.  

Thursday, July 30, 2026

Thursday, July 30, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. What I absolutely love about this photo was Mattie's expression. To me it showed his curiosity, alertness, and ability to track the world around him. I am sure if I asked the pediatrician, she'd say babies can't focus at such a young age and most likely would have had some sort of more scientifically guided answer. Perhaps, but at the end of the day, I feel like as Mattie's mom, I became the expert on Mattie! No one knew him better. 

Quote of the day: People can begin on the same trajectory only to wind up, twenty years later, so far from one another that it’s impossible to chart a course back. ~ Shaun David Hutchinson

Today felt like a lost day. My dad's physical therapist came over this morning. While she was here, I went over to visit my neighbor's house. Typically I do not leave my dad alone with my mom and the therapist, but I really wanted to go next door as my neighbor had family visiting. I did not stay longer than 40 minutes because I wanted to be home before the therapist left. I enjoyed meeting my neighbor's dogs too. They came right too me and it was as if they immediately understood..... I love dogs! They followed me around the house. That of course reminded me of my Sunny. 

When I returned home, I could see my dad was exhausted, but still working with the therapist. My dad works with three different therapists each week and this particular therapist I have talked to before because she was having my dad working for 60 consecutive minutes. Which is way too long for him without periodic breaks. 

Once the therapist left, I put my dad in his recliner. He seemed okay and was resting. I then migrated my mom over to the couch. Between her own physical therapy session yesterday, followed by my friends visiting, she was exhausted today. So I let my parents nap for two hours, while I was working in my office. When I tried to wake my dad up, I found he was talking to himself, seemed more out of it than usual and was in a fog. It was so concerning, I thought I would have to take him to the emergency room. I took his blood pressure, pulse, and oxygen level. His blood pressure was elevated, which was odd given he was in a recliner resting for two hours. So I literally monitored him for a hour! I wasn't sure what direction today would go, but I quickly concluded, we were NOT going out today. Which meant I had to figure out Plan B and cook.  

We had an early dinner outside on the porch. Since my separation, I haven't taken my dad out on the porch. Why? Because it is complicated getting him onto our deck and if that isn't bad enough, he typically gets bitten by flying bugs outside and then scratches his skin raw. But today, I thought we all needed fresh air. So before starting to cook, I went outside and sprayed the deck area for flies and mosquitoes. 

I did eventually get my parents outside to eat. My mom loved it, as she loves seeing the greenery and hearing the fountain, like me. My dad was more oblivious to the whole thing and then of course needed to run to the bathroom. Making the juggling act close to impossible. As you can see, even Indie got some time outside, and she loved it. 

Indie needs constant supervision, because in 2023, she wandered off the deck when I wasn't looking and she disappeared for an hour. My neighborhood isn't ideal for cats, with all the wildlife. So now Indie is only allowed outside, if I am there, but given my caregiving responsibilities, this is practically never. In days like today, I find that I think more deeply about being divorced. I miss having a spouse, a sounding board, and someone around to share life's ups and down with while facing the impossible. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2026

Wednesday, July 29, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 20, 2002, at Mattie's baptism. By that point, Mattie was three months old. The officiant of this special ceremony was Father Jim. I met Jim at the George Washington University, as he was running the Newman Center on the campus at that time. In fact, it was Jim who gave me my first therapy client to counsel under his supervision. I will never for that client, I will never forget Jim, and I truly believe Jim is a gifted priest. Jim was also the officiant at Mattie's funeral. The reason I love this photo was because Jim's raised pointer finger was signaling to our friends and family that in his many baptisms over the years, there was only one child who loved being dunked in water, and landed up laughing after being dunked.... and that was Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. ~ Jane Austen

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, the doorbell rang. I answered it and was greeted with this beautiful flower arrangement from my friend, Christine. As you can see my friends know I love flowers and particularly flowers with Mattie Miracle themed colors. Many of my close friends were met through Mattie. Christine's son and Mattie were in kindergarten together and in many ways they were inseparable. Mattie was nervous about starting kindergarten but it was thanks to having a close buddy like Campbell, that Mattie had a stellar first year of elementary school. Naturally as the boys were friends, I got to spend time with Christine. We just clicked from day one and have been connected ever since. 

Today several of my friends came over to celebrate my birthday. As you can imagine, I didn't feel like celebrating, but my friend Ann encouraged me to be open to this and she coordinated the day. Ann is the person wearing the sunglasses. I met all these friends who came over today through Mattie's preschool in 2005! We are still friends today and all to them are devoted to Mattie Miracle. For those of you unfamiliar with my story, Ann was the leader of Team Mattie, a network of friends who delivered food to us for over a year (everyday!!!) in the hospital and provided gifts of all kinds to Mattie practically daily to weekly! In addition, Ann's husband was Mattie's surgeon who performed his limb salvaging surgeries. I say this because Ann and I have been through life and death moments together. 

 

After swimming, we had lunch on the porch and a carvel ice cream cake. I did not worry about food, Ann managed all of it, and I only set the table!

Since I was a kid, my favorite birthday cake has always been a Carvel cake. Growing up in New York, this was a staple! So to this day, I still love it!

I rarely get to spend time on my own porch or go into the pool. So when friends get me outside, it reminds me, how beautifully green things are, why I work so hard in the backyard, and why I fell in love with this house in 2021. 

My friends showered me with gifts and gift cards!

In my mailbox today, were two small boxes. When I opened them, I found this lovely desk plaque. It reads:

Difference Maker

A very special person who changes lives daily, a compassionate person who is completely focused on the well-being of others, a talented communicator who is highly skilled at supporting, guiding, protecting, representing, consoling and understanding all. Makes the impossible possible, one of life's greatest gifts. 

See also: (Vicki the legacy Keeper) MMCF

The other box contained this amazing window catcher with a moon and stargazer lilies. It is just glorious because the moon symbolizes my Mattie and the stargazer lily symbolizes me (as I am in love with these flowers, which is why giant ones were planted in my backyard in 2022). 

So who sent me these two touching and meaningful gifts? Tricia, Mattie's nurse extraordinaire. There are NO WORDS to describe Tricia. She is an exceptional nurse and person, amazing patient advocate, and compassionate in all ways. We couldn't have made it without Tricia, as she took care of all three of us! Mattie who was a discerning fellow LOVED Tricia, and made it his business to tell her as much right in the middle of the pediatric intensive care unit hallway. It was a moment none of us will forget, because Mattie was screaming his head off for Tricia across the hallway. We thought Mattie was ill or in pain, so Tricia came flying over. In true Mattie style, he told Tricia he wanted her to come over immediately because he had to tell her he loved her! That was my Mattie!

Mattie may have died in 2009, but the bond he helped form between me and Tricia is unbreakable. These gifts mean the world to me because Tricia saw me living 24/7 the impossible and she has also been a part of my Mattie Miracle journey and has observed the difference the Foundation is making in the lives of children with cancer. 

All I can say is Mattie left me with an amazing group of friends, who I would never have met without his presence in the world. No matter how decimated my life may feel, I am very cognizant and grateful for my friends. Divorce can't destroy my character or who I am as a person, divorce can't destroy my friendships, and divorce will not blind me to the many wonderful people in my life. 

Tuesday, July 28, 2026

Tuesday, July 28, 2026 -- Mattie died 856 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008, when we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. I remember this moment perfectly, because Mattie was diagnosed that week with cancer and we were so traumatized. We wanted to do something familiar and calming so we headed to the Island during the week. That Island was our therapy for all seasons! What I do know is that Mattie was taken too soon and he is missed, maybe now more than ever. Some people think you get used to child loss, but the reality is the loss becomes more poignant and deeper with each passing year. More time that lapses, provides more time for you to see the massive hole in your life and how your future is not how you imagined it would be. 

Quote of the day: If suffering like hers had any use, she reasoned, it was not to the sufferer. The only way that an individual's pain gained meaning was through its communication to others. ~ Diane Wood Middlebrook

I am picking up from where I left off last night. A recap, I saw my primary care doctor yesterday about my cholesterol level. I have had to adjust to this doctor's style, as he replaced my doctor of 20+ years when she retired. This male doctor is a total 180 from my previous doctor. He is younger, not married, and relatively new to practicing medicine. Unlike my previous doctor, who I would say was all business and all about the science, this doctor has a much more touchy feely personality. Now normally you would think I like that, because I typically do. Unless, I deem that you are playing psychologist without knowing the facts. If you start judging and coming to the wrong emotional conclusions, then you will get push back from me. As he experienced three months ago in my appointment. 

But yesterday I saw a more vulnerable and genuine person before me. Was he that way with me because he is leaving the practice after a year to move out West, and therefore has nothing to lose? Or has my life story struck a nerve with him? I personally think it is the latter! There is something about my divorce and all that I am facing that have resonated with him and yesterday, he took the facade down, to reveal that vulnerability. Have you ever noticed that when you share you own vulnerability this causes others to share their feelings because it builds safety, triggers social reciprocity, and models authenticity. When you open up, it lowers the other person's guard and invites a deeper connection.

Yesterday while talking about a whole bunch of things, the doctor asked me whether I tried the samples of new medications he gave me for my chronic daily migraine. I admitted that I had not and my response was.... I haven't because I am chicken. The doctor literally looked up from his computer and said to me..... There is NOTHING chicken about you, so I am not buying that for a minute. He really had me laughing. So I explained that he was right, I do not live my life like a chicken, but when it comes to ingesting new medications, I am always hesitant, cautious, and fearful. Especially while caring for my parents, I can't avoid an aversive reaction, I can't afford to fall asleep during the day, or be loopy or hyper. That explanation he understood and appreciated. 

What has also stuck with me since yesterday's appointment is the doctor's admission to having to actively look for joy and happiness. As he feels he is constantly working, absorbing other people's problems and issues, and therefore there is little to no time for his to restore or prioritize his own needs. Again, he was talking my language yesterday, as his life (though different from mine), is a lot like mine. Caregiving 24/7, provides few opportunities to find one's self, to seek out joy or happiness. Though since Mattie died, these are two words (joy and happiness) I despise, but you get my drift. We left each other yesterday with the hope that we can find peace and a glimmer in our lives, and he wanted me to know that he considers me a special and strong woman. 

The connection of feeling understood from yesterday's meeting has carried over to today for me. It speaks to the power of vulnerability, of sharing thoughts and feelings, and connecting with someone who has some insights into your own pain. I do not get easily moved, so the fact that I feel this way, is noteworthy, as you never know who will come into your life and provide thoughtful insight and compassion. I guess the key is being open to such experiences. 

Monday, July 27, 2026

Monday, July 27, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2008. That day we went for a walk on Roosevelt Island. Ironically this photo was taken only weeks prior to Mattie's cancer diagnosis. We visited this Island  regardless of the season or weather! When Mattie died, this Island was our refuge and it was a spot of nature that made us feel connected to Mattie. I haven't visited this Island since I moved to Virginia. I miss our trips there and I miss my family. 

Quote of the day: The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. ~ Carl Jung

This morning, after I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I drove to my doctor's office. I was dreading this appointment, because I was expecting a talking to regarding my high cholesterol level. Instead, I got quite the opposite. For those of you who haven't been following along, I lost my twenty plus year relationship with my primary care doctor, as she retired last year. Her replacement is a younger male doctor. There are moments when I like him and then there are moment when I feel like he needs to be put in his place. Which I did three months ago. 

Today I saw the kind, compassionate, and humorous side of this doctor. Instead of flipping out about my cholesterol, he actually commended me for starting an exercise routine, as he feels this is beneficial for me physically and emotionally. He also knows all that I balance, which is why he is super proud of me for making the time to focus on my health. Even if it is for 30 minutes each day. I told him that what exercise is doing for me is empowering me. Because it makes me see that I can take care of myself and that by doing so, that alone makes me feel more in control of my existence. So though he thinks exercise is for me physically, he now sees that for me it is very psychological. 

Any case, in two weeks, I am taking a cat scan of my heart to see if I have calcification there, and if I do, that will be another conversation. When I asked him whether I needed to see my parents' cardiologist, his response was... no, he would consider you boring. He had me laughing! Translation in medicine, BORING is FANTASTIC, you want to be boring!

We then got into talking about the benefits of having a dog, as he is thinking of adopting one to go on runs. So naturally that got me to talk about my Sunny! He even looked up photos of Australian Shepherds online while we were talking. But then he revealed to me that his biggest issues are justified resentment and comparisons. He did not elaborate on either of these two items, but I bet you if we had more time together, I would hear all about it, because I think we share a vulnerability. The vulnerability is we feel we have been justifiably wronged and this breeds resentment. I mean INTENSE resentment. The kind that travels with me 24/7! However, we both agreed that we are never going to get the justice we crave and desire, so the thing is we have to learn to live with this feeling without it completely consuming our lives. I could see his wheels turning and you could see that we were having a very in-tune emotional connection. But here I got again, losing another doctor, and having to a face a new one in the Fall! If you haven't figured it out by now, I do NOT like change and I do NOT like being left behind. 

Sunday, July 26, 2026

Sunday, July 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on July 25, 2009. Mattie's child life professional gave Mattie a cake, so that he could give it to me for my birthday. This was our last birthday together. At that point in time, I truly thought we were going to have more time, at least until he faced a cancer relapse. But Mattie's cancer never stabilized, and instead metastasized six weeks off of chemotherapy. 

If you think that I have adjusted to life without Mattie and enjoy facing a future without him and grandchildren, you would be very wrong. There is NO amount of time that could pass to make birthdays, holidays, milestones, the daily routine and the future any easier!

Quote of the day: Use empathy and compassion accordingly. People dealing with loss of a loved one may need your support. Probably not me, but most other people. I say probably because I cannot imagine losing my wife or any of my kids. I might need your support after all. ~ Shayne Neal

I took my parents out to brunch today. When I got to our table, Cheryl, our server had it decorated for my birthday. The table was lined with confetti, cards, and gifts! She even gave me a gift card, to help pay for today's meal. 

I have known Cheryl since 2021, when my parents moved to Virginia. Since my parents moved in with me, I have taken them to this same restaurant every Sunday for the last five years! Cheryl knew my other half, she knows about Mattie, and she also is well aware of my divorce and caregiving responsibilities. 

Though we have celebrated my birthday for two days and my dad sees the cards and gifts, he doesn't realize it is my birthday. Today when we asked him who just celebrated a birthday and why Cheryl decorated our table, my dad's response was..... because it is a president's birthday! My dad knows his own birth date and my mom's, but he has no idea about mine. 

In my dad's head, he thinks I am 30, or perhaps younger. I literally laugh, because when my dad was my age, I assure you, he couldn't and wouldn't do half of what I do on any given day. For my dad's sake, he is lucky that I physically did not take after him, because there would be no way I could manage this daily grind, caring for two people alone. 

Then of course, as another milestone in my life passes, I find it leaves me sad. Sad that my parents are declining, sad that I lost Mattie, and devastated that my long term marriage dissolved without me even knowing something was wrong. When I juggle tote bags, bathroom trips, and countless needs, I stop and say to myself.... it wasn't supposed to be like this, I was supposed to share this difficult caregiving journey with my other half. It isn't in my nature to turn my back on anyone I love, therefore, my brain just can't compute how it is okay to leave me behind facing the impossible.