Friday, May 15, 2026

Friday, May 15, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2002. Mattie had just been born and I did not know if I was coming or going, as I had an emergency c-section and was coping with being in terrible pain and feeling emotionally overwhelmed. The hospital where Mattie was born and where he was also diagnosed with cancer has been my medical home for decades. It is now where my dad has been getting care since Wednesday. Whenever I am on this hospital campus, I don't remember all moments or previous decades.... what I remember is April 4, 2002 (the day Mattie was born) and July 23, 2008 (the day he was diagnosed). 

Quote of the day: Do I in any way profit from this misery?” Nietzsche finally responded. “I have reflected on that very question for many years. Perhaps I do profit. In two ways. You suggest that the attacks are caused by stress, but sometimes the opposite is true—that the attacks dissipate stress. My work is stressful. It requires me to face the dark side of existence, and the migraine attack, awful as it is, may be a cleansing convulsion that permits me to continue. ~ Irvin D. Yalom

Given that I do not know how the rest of the day will go, I decided to write today's blog first thing in the morning. I can do this because my dad is in the hospital. I carry a lot of stress and heartache with me daily. Yesterday I had reached a breaking point. By 10:30pm, I had to stop EVERYTHING. I literally went right upstairs to my bedroom, vomited profusely, and then got into bed and passed out. 

On Wednesday, I picked my dad up at his memory care center. He seemed fine. We got home and I went about my usual tasks, made dinner, and then got him out of his recliner to eat. That was when I noticed odd behavior. With my dad's Alzheimer's he is unable to report out what is going on with him. So literally I have to be Columbo. 

He seemed very confused, more than usual, he complained of a stomach ache, intense exhaustion (which made no sense as he just had a three hour nap), and then when he got to the dinner table, he started to vomit up foam (on an empty stomach). So I ran to check his vitals. This was the kind of blood pressure readings I was getting... way too high for my dad! I knew enough to know that I had to stop everything and take him to the ER. 

My mom was in pajamas, but insisted on coming to the hospital. While she was changing to go to the hospital, I was running around taking dinner off the table. I packed dinner in Tupperware, made hot tea, grabbed the heating pad, blankets and other items I knew I would need at the hospital to keep my mom comfortable. Then we all got into the car and we got checked into the ER at 9pm. It was a rainy night, the ER entrance was under construction and getting inside the building was a nightmare. I had to take one parent in at a time. 

The ER was a zoo! I had never seen it like that, and I attribute that to the construction as they had NO PLACE to put people. Anyone who thinks hospitals follow HIPAA, you are kidding yourself! In such tight confines, we know people's addresses, phone numbers, medical history and reasons for the visit. But honestly, I do not think any of us care! When you are facing a medical crisis, everything else goes out the window. What matters is ONE thing.... getting HELP! So in my opinion nothing unifies people more, regardless of race, gender, political persuasion, etc, like a trauma.

Managing the waiting area required me to take a deep breath. There was no point in being agitated or assertive with the staff, as they were doing their best to manage chaos. About 90 minutes into waiting, my dad was called to be triaged. The nurse at the front desk could see that my dad was in the hospital in January with a brain bleed and he has a host of issues. So thankfully she streamlined him back. Within minutes after seeing her, we were called to go back into the ER. However, they wouldn't let me take my mom because there was no room! No room because, they had us sitting in chairs that lined a hallway. Literally the chairs had numbers on them like a hospital room. My dad and I waited in these chairs for over an hour. Meanwhile I was trying to call and text my mom, but she never responded, as I figured she wouldn't as I really do not think she knows how her phone operates anymore. 

A doctor greeted us and took us into an ER exam room. He was lovely! When I say that everyone was amazing, I am not kidding, as the place was wall to wall people. Patients were agitated waiting, but the staff never lost their cool! Truly remarkable people. Any case the doctor wasn't as concerned about my dad's blood pressure, as he was about the stomach pain. He told me with older adults, stomach pain could indicate ANYTHING. Which is why scans are always done if a stomach pain is reported. All I can say is thank goodness I am Columbo and took my dad into the ER. 

After seeing the doctor, we went back to our hallway chair. About 40 minutes later, someone showed up to transport us to a CT scan. At that point, I told this person that I wanted my mom to come with us. He agreed. Once I got her with us, there was no way I was going to have her go back into the ER waiting room. Once the scan was done, the transporter took us back to the hallway chair. Since only one chair is allotted to a patient, I had my mom sit, my dad was in the wheelchair and I stood the whole time. An hour later we met Santiago. Santiago brought us to an ER room to take blood and do an EKG. He took kindly to us and instead of taking us back to the hallway chair, he allowed us to stay in the ER room! I was so grateful, because then in the room I could eat the dinner I brought from home. 

Hours later, we were then triaged back into the ER. Not to a room, but to a hallway bed. My mom was seated by the end of the bed in a chair and I stood. Chaos was all around us, but frankly given my year in the hospital with Mattie, very little fazes me. I am used to machines, hearing trauma, hearing people screaming, crying, and you name it. As I always say, Mattie prepared me for all aspects of life. 

The nurses and my dad's ER doctor were amazing. They attempted to get an IV started in my dad and to draw blood. That was mission impossible. They stuck him 12 times. You should see his arms. It is no fault of their own, this is my dad's dancing/jumpy veins. Finally two nurses (including the charge nurse) tried to insert an IV using an ultrasound machine. Both nurses had NO LUCK. Finally they had the ER doctor do it, and she got it!  

We eventually got into an ER room and the attention the nurses provided us was amazing. The nurses told my parents how lucky they are that I care for them so well. I am not one to sit around, so I was jumping around helping the nurses with my dad. Any case, what all the testing revealed was my dad had sepsis and a 5.5mm kidney stone lodged into his ureter (the ureter is a tube that connects the kidney to the bladder). The stone was blocking the passage of urine and the left kidney was swelling, which was why he looked like he had a gremlin pushing out of his abdomen. Thankfully I have a patient portal which gives me access to all medical tests and notes. So I was checking it constantly. I knew what the problem was before the ER doctor talked to us. When she came over to chat and update us, she could see I already read the results and understood the problem, to which she said.... are you a medical doctor? I said no, but I am very familiar with kidney stone problems, having had them myself! 

At 6am, we were finally admitted to the hospital and we went up to my dad's room. But given my dad's state, I had to wait to meet his nurse because he can't report anything out accurately. At 7am, I chatted with the nurse and explained my dad's issues and Alzheimer's and most importantly told her he can't tell her when he is in pain or report symptoms. This is a crucial piece of information to know! 

So we were at the hospital from 9pm Wednesday until 7:30am Thursday. I then drove my mom and I home to rest. I don't know how I drove home, as I was so exhausted. I was literally tapping my feet in the car to stay awake. When we got home, I fed Indie and then went right upstairs to bed, clothes and all. Indie however, did not understand why I was in bed in the morning, so I am lucky I got two hours of sleep. There was no peace because my dad was driving his nurses crazy. They kept calling me on the phone because he reported to them that I hadn't visited him and that I just left him at the hospital. I allowed them to talk for about a minute and then I corrected them and explained the situation accurately. Once I told them I had pulled an all nighter at the hospital, they immediately understood they were dealing with an over worked caregiver. 

Any case, my mom and I got ourselves together, I packed up food for the hospital and then before driving to the hospital, I went to my UPS store. I wanted to send the second letter I wrote to the IRS, but this time I decided.... I AM NOT using the US Post Office. That was the best decision I ever made. UPS has a whole strategy to effectively hand deliver letters to the IRS and to get guaranteed signatures! It is more costly, but I can track it, they send updated emails, and I need peace of mind with this issue right now. 

Yesterday at 4:30pm, my dad had a ureteroscopy, a surgical procedure to remove the large kidney stone. My dad had two of these surgeries in 2024, so we know the urologist. Which put my mind at ease. I was in the pre-op area with my dad and he still had his sense humor. We were chatting away with the nurses. One nurse was from Queens, NY and was Italian, so we joked..... my dad was in good hands! 

The surgery was a success and an hour later the doctor came out to talk with me. Once my dad got back to his room, he had several delusions from the anesthesia. He was convinced a large tragedy happened, many children died, houses were destroyed and the list went on. I was dealing with that confusion and panic for hours. So seriously by the time I got home last night, I was frazzled. But that isn't where my day ended. As once I got home, I had laundry, clean up, situating my mom, and managing Foundation issues (as Sunday is our virtual walk). It is no wonder by 10:30pm, I was falling apart. 

Thursday, May 14, 2026

 Thursday, May 14, 2026

It has been a hellish two days. I took my dad to the emergency room on Wednesday night, he was admitted and had surgery today. I am too exhausted to write. I will hopefully write more tomorrow. 

Wednesday, May 13, 2026

Wednesday, May 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday! It was grandparent's day at Mattie's school. My parents had a wonderful time meeting Mattie's teachers, touring the campus, hearing a choir concert, and watching Mattie in action with his friends. After that event, we went out to lunch together. Unlike me, Mattie was NOT into food. Therefore, to get him to sit at a table with us required many tricks up my sleeve. That day I brought a whole bag of Legos and as you can see he was creating at the table! Loved that smile!

Quote of the day: The truth is that stress doesn’t come from your boss, your kids, your spouse, traffic jams, health challenges, or other circumstances. It comes from your thoughts about your circumstances. ~ Andrew Bernstein

I truly wonder.... does the average person face the same amount of stress I endure each day? I certainly think we are surrounded by stress in our lives, but there is something about the frenetic and daily stream of problems and crises that come before me in any day that truly frazzle me. I live in a constant state of being hyperalert. Today was more of the same! It started with an email from the mortgage assumption company! Guess what? ASKING the same bloody questions! If you have been following along then you know I have received constant emails from the company with the same message, asking for the same materials! 

I literally left my dad at the breakfast table and jumped onto my computer to respond to today's email. Once again, I sent the same documents! But today I did not just send them in the portal, I also copied my assumptions agent. If  you recall his name is Jesus. Jesus is getting to know me quite well, as he now knows he is dealing with a woman who has faced a lot and is living with constant stress and anxiety. The mortgage company wanted a copy of my divorce and marital settlement agreement and these documents paint a small snapshot into the heartache I have been facing. In any case, somehow after he saw these documents today, he took a pro-active approach and called me. He wanted me to know that he personally received the documents and he is now putting them into the hands of the processors. Which means that hopefully I will not receive another request asking me for the same information. The reason I freaked out today is that today's notice said that either I supply the documentation or my assumption application gets closed. That was issue number one today. But it did not end there!

After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went to the Post Office to talk with one of the employees about the certified letter I sent to the IRS. I paid for tracking, but according to the tracking, the letter still hasn't been received and it was mailed on April 29th. Which is clearly ridiculous. I was hoping the postal employee could help me. She was lovely and she even got her supervisor involved. However, given that the letter was going to the IRS, they explained that this tracking issue is a common problem. The notice that we all get when trying to track this letter is.......

Even with the assistance of technology, combined with our employee's best efforts, items will be delivered but unfortunately may not receive a delivered scan. We know this is disappointing, and we ask that you please accept our apology for any inconvenience. If you tax documents did not received a delivered scan, we recommend the following steps.

The steps basically take me right back to having to call the IRS. Any case, I decided today to contact my parent's accountant and we have a strategy for dealing with this, but I also decided to write another more comprehensive letter to the IRS and I included a ton of documentation, including a copy of the voided erroneous check they sent me, a copy of all correspondence, and a copy of the certified receipt from the post office. The post office ladies all chimed in today and said to me that this receipt proves that you brought the document to the post office and that it went into the mail! Any case, I have to determine how to best mail this second packet to the IRS in a way that will generate for me a confirmed response. 

So that was issue number two. Issue number three was dealing with Wi-Fi issues inside the house and it is affecting certain devices. I am truly waiting for a day when there are NO problems, NO demands, and NO big decisions that have to be made, because honestly if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like, it isn't sustainable. 

Tuesday, May 12, 2026

Tuesday, May 12, 2026 -- Mattie died 845 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. Mattie was 6 years old and it was grandparent's day at Mattie's school. As my parents were touring around Mattie's kindergarten classroom, I snapped this photo! THANK GOODNESS, I volunteered on campus that  year, because if I hadn't, I would never have experienced the grandparent's day festivities. I thought Mattie would have many more of these happy moments. Unfortunately, it was his first and only grandparent's day, because two months later he was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Last night I stayed up until 1am, doing Foundation work. By the time I got into bed, I literally passed out from exhaustion. When I got up this morning, I went downstairs and continued Foundation work before showering and getting ready for the day. In the midst of doing this work, it dawned on me...... I have my mom's annual teacher's retirement paperwork to do! I literally paused, because I do it every spring, but I truly had to stop and ask myself.... what season are we in? What month are we in? Sounds funny, but when you are caregiving day in and out, everyday is the same! So truthfully this morning, I was running around dealing with Foundation stuff, retirement paperwork, and let's add IRS requests. 

Some of you may recall that my parents received an unexpected refund check from the IRS a month ago. If you read the April 28th blog, then you know that nightmare I endured. Of course anyone who has ever had to call the IRS, you immediately know exactly what I am talking about. Any case, when I received that check a month ago, I knew.... NOT to cash it! After my April call with the IRS, I learned the process for returning the erroneous check and where to mail it. So naturally I wrote a cover letter, included documentation, and certified all of this with the Post Office. I have been tracking that letter for weeks now. 

This is the third time I have sent a certified letter somewhere and the third time I can't track it. This morning, I tried to contact the post office's customer service. Now here's a kicker.... the post office said that sometimes the carrier is unable to scan the letter/package at its intended location. Which makes it impossible for the customer to track. Because the letter can't be tracked, guess what? I have to call the IRS back. Especially after the notice I received yesterday, as the IRS has calculated that I cashed this check and therefore wants more money from us. Seriously, I am on the treadmill to lunacy! What I have learned from this is I will NEVER EVER use the post office to track a letter or package. I am going right to UPS or Fedex. 

In fact, I used to certify letters with big Foundation checks in it, and just like with the IRS, the post office tracking was ineffectual! So now I do all payments electronically because I have to be able to track and account for all money. By the time I woke my dad up today, I felt like I went ten rounds already. Sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed just floods me. Last night I was so strung out with juggling the mortgage assumption and the IRS, that at dinner time, I thought I was going to have a meltdown. I got into the kitchen and literally looked at the stove, oven, and the food, and asked myself.... do you have the energy to make dinner? I felt like the only thing I wanted to do was jump out the window. But I focused and started working and of course there was a hot dinner cooked and served. 

Monday, May 11, 2026

Monday, May 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and it was his first day of summer camp at his preschool. Mattie loved his preschool and especially enjoyed summer camp. Mattie was eager to get going, but he entertained me by stopping for a photo. Ironically many of the moms I met in this school are still my friends today and they help me raise funds for Mattie Miracle. It was a special school and time in our lives. 

Quote of the day: And here you are living despite it all. ~ Rupi Kaur

I absolutely relate to tonight's quote. Just when I think the day will be somewhat stable, I am hit with multiple problems. Problems that take up time and I have to account for, such as I keep getting the same questions asked over and over again by my mortgage assumption company. Today, I finally got a hold of my agent and we discussed this for thirty minutes. They have on my record that I lived somewhere else..... a place I never LIVED before! Trying to iron this out today was like a clip from Abbott and Costello.... some of you may remember.... What's on first, who's on second, and I don't know who's on third! Needless to say, I have developed a migraine from this and other things. 

Ironically I had a friend write to me today, who is going through similar issues with her divorce, and she basically said to me.... given all that you are facing and have faced, it is amazing that I am still alive. Meaning that some people are driven to suicide over what I am coping with each day. She is absolutely correct. I do not write about everything I been dealing with, but seriously it is enough to make me crazy. Any case, I have nothing positive to say tonight, so I am signing off in hopes that a see a ray of sunshine tomorrow. 

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Sunday, May 10, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Mother's Day of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that day we took him to one of his favorite restaurants to celebrate the day. To me, Mattie was the picture of health, full of life, and had an incredible energy and curiosity for everything and everyone around him. If Mattie were alive now, he would be 24 years old. I can't imagine what he would be like, but the one thing I am quite confident about is that Mattie and I would have remained close and he would definitely have been an incredible ally and deeply upset about my divorce.

Quote of the day: While I was writing my book, I want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to Go to Boise, I talked with mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said death gave their lives new meaning and purpose. And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road they had to travel? Their dying child. They pointed their mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their mothers were fighting to reflect. ~ Erma Bombeck

I surprised my mom with a balloon and a huge hydrangea plant for Mother's Day! My mom loves hydrangeas and I plan on planting this beauty in the backyard! Though I am distraught today, I wanted my mom to have a good day. 

I asked my dad to stand next to my mom, so that I could snap a photo of both of them. No matter what I did, he couldn't get the concept and landed up in front of her and he did not want to look up. 

When we got to the restaurant, Cheryl (our server) had all sorts of cards and gifts for us. All the managers came over to hug us and I very much appreciate the kindness of those we interact with each week. But eating with my parents is never easy, as my dad is trapped in his head and never says a word, and my mom has her own issues and is glued to her cell phone. She spends countless hours on Facebook and I guess it was so noticeable today that other guests around us were staring. I am sure my table looks like an unexplained riot. 

We were surrounded by happy families today. Families with children of all ages, including even a baby. All I could think of is.... aren't you all lucky and I am not sure you even know it! 

After Mattie died, Mother's Day was problematic. But now Mother's Day feels like a day of death to me. The one I hoped would be there to always remind me that I was Mattie's mom is gone. Gone and with being gone, it is like Mattie's existence has also been erased. All of this plays games with my mind! Also as a caregiver to my parents for five years now, without even one day break, I miss being married, and sharing life's ups and downs with someone who I knew and trusted, and I most definitely miss having someone in my life who was looking out for me. The only thing Mother's Day reminds me of is loss and more loss.  

Saturday, May 9, 2026

Saturday, May 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Mother's Day and we went out for brunch to one of the restaurants Mattie loved in Maryland. This restaurant has a pond out front with turtles, frogs and fish. All the things that intrigued Mattie. In this particular photo Mattie was showing how much he loved me.... he crossed his hands over his heart. To me this is a priceless photo and as I face yet another Mother's Day without Mattie, I cling to the photos that remind me that yes indeed I was once a mom. To compound the loss, I also do not have my other half to share memories and to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. So in essence I am enduring the death of my son as well as of my other half. 

Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown

I had my usual routine today, but then at 5pm, I was invited to my neighbor's party. They were throwing a high school graduation for their daughter. That may sound like a nice thing, but social events are very hard for me. As they were setting up for the party today, I could see the activity through my windows. While they were doing something normal and fun, I was dealing with bowel movements and massive clean ups. When I look at my life..... Mattie getting cancer, Mattie dying, facing divorce after a 35 year relationship, and doing intense caregiving, I am VERY cognizant that I am NOT like the average person. I never got to see Mattie go to high school, much less graduate. Therefore going to a party takes great courage on my part. 

In addition it is Mother's Day weekend. I have a whole range of emotions over this! On aside, I found out who sent me the flowers yesterday! If you recall, I received a bouquet of flowers and there was no note. Turns out the flowers are from my former in-laws. Remember that they have been a part of my life since I was 19, and though I am not legally a part of their family, I am still considered family, and after all, isn't family BIGGER than just the legal definition?

Back to the party! I took my parents out to lunch today, so that I could get them home, settled, and I could walk over to the party. I met my neighbors at the party and we sat together. These neighbors know all the challenges I face, so that alone put me at ease. The young girl that is graduating is a love. For the past two years, I would see her weekly at Starbucks. She would go there after school and study, and I mean study. I was always impressed with her determination and focus, and whenever she would see me, she would say hello and we would exchange conversation. 

Any case, I congratulated her parents today and for some reason while talking to them I started crying. Obviously this young lady isn't my daughter, but I still could feel deeply for how hard she worked to graduate and get into a good college. But I think the crying is much deeper..... as I am crying about the many losses in my life and the fact that I will never have these experiences with Mattie and unlike my neighbors, I am no longer in a long term committed relationship. It is just devastating. But this is telling.... when I have a minute alone, the depths of my losses flood me with emotion. 

However, in the midst of devastation..... there was a Ben and Jerry's ice cream truck. Some people need alcohol and drugs..... I just need ice cream. Everything looks better over ice cream. The ice cream fellow was a love! He was offering four different flavors, and when I told him I couldn't decide, he proceeded to give me four mini scoops of each flavor. I found my NEW best friend! 

Friday, May 8, 2026

Friday, May 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and the notion of childhood cancer was no where on our minds! That afternoon, I served lunch outside on our deck in the city. Mattie absolutely loved outdoor time and as you can see this tender moment was captured in a photo. If I could only turn back the hands of time. 

Quote of the day: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her... ~ Oscar Wilde

It was another busy morning as my dad's nurse came over to evaluate his pressure sores. She has now discharged us from service, but the wounds have not completely healed yet. She gave me the option of continuing him on service or discharging him! I elected for her to discharge him because at this point I know how to manage this myself and I have an arsenal of medications at home! Certainly if the sores get worse, I will need her intervention again!

Treating my dad's sores is an uphill battle. Given that he is incontinent, it is very hard keeping his skin constantly clean! Despite the fact that I shower him daily and change him every two hours. But my mornings are horror shows.... as bowel movements begin in bed, carry over to the shower, and again outside the shower. This isn't a once in a blue moon incident, this is a daily routine! 

Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I continued on doing chores. I was running around all morning. When I got home and was unloading the groceries, when a car drove up my driveway. The man got out of the car and handed me a bunch of spring flowers. I was confused, as I did not order flowers from Whole Foods. There was no card with the flowers, so I asked him, whether the flowers were actually for me, or for my neighbors. He showed me the order with my name and address on it, but the order did not have a sender name. So here I am with this lovely spring time arrangement, with no idea who to thank. The arrangement had pussy willows (which I love as they remind me of my maternal grandmother), hyacinths (which I absolutely love the fragrance), and tulips (which remind me of my former in-laws.... as they always loved them). 

In my news feed today, was this article, entitled, Quote of the day by Oscar Wilde: 'A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her...' - The unsettling duality of relationships and love explained by the Irish author-poet. Needless to say the title alone caught my attention! Wilde was married at one time, and after the birth of his second child, he began having a relationship with another man. Knowing this, I was even more intrigued with his statement about a man could be happy with any woman. 

But being happy with a woman and deeply loving a woman may not necessarily go hand in hand. Which was a point I never really thought about until reading this article! In fact, I think he is 100% correct, and it may easily explain how men can jump from one relationship to the next in search for happiness, or what they think is happiness, but happiness is not necessary rooted in love, commitment, and all the qualities we would think of that makes life and a marriage more meaningful. Happiness may look more stable, it may remove inter-personal pressure, but happiness alone doesn't carry you through the challenges of life and a marriage, because life is filled with heartache, crises, and grief. The only guarantees in life is that challenges will arise.... good luck relying on happiness to carry you through! Happiness will go right out the window, it is hollow, and instead the foundational core values of trust, loyalty, respect, honesty, commitment, and YES LOVE, are the necessities in any lasting relationship. 

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Thursday, May 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that day we took him to the DC Aquatic Gardens. This was a place I absolutely LOVED to visit. I wouldn't drive to this location on my own, but once in the park, you wouldn't know you were in the middle of the city. The bird traffic and beautiful lotus flowers will forever be in my mind. Mattie loved the whole adventure. We never got tired of it, because with the season, things changed and evolved, and there was always something to see. Beavers too!

Quote of the day: I want to caution you against the idea that balance has to be a routine that looks the same week in and week out. ~ Kevin Thoman

Though I appreciate tonight's quote, I would have to say there is a lot of comfort and control with routine. Would I love not doing the same thing everyday? Certainly! I can tell you the day of the week just by what I am doing! I am that regulated and regimented. Whenever, something arises that breaks the routine, it makes me stressed out. The human spirit likes spontaneity to some extent, but unfortunately given my caregiving role and being the sole adult on duty in my house.... freedom and flexibility are gone. I could get upset by this, and perhaps I did in the beginning of my journey in 2021. Now I have come to just accept it and frankly if I am able to do the routine, that means NO ONE IS SICK or in the hospital. So for me routine is a good thing. 

Just like I have a routine, so does my cat, Indie. She typically sleeps on my bed all night, but then awakes any where between 3-5am and wants me to open the door of my room for her to go out. I let her out and then I go back to sleep. By 6:30am, if I am not up, Indie is throwing her body against my bedroom door. She wants me up and to be fed! This morning, I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Do you want to know what she did? She went downstairs to Mattie's piano, jumped on the keys and was walking up and down the keyboard. I literally was ready to scream! Keep in mind that Indie wasn't bonded with me, she loved my other half. Since my separation, Indie and I have had to find our way in the world and with each other. It is a process for sure as cats are so different from dogs. 

Each day I am on pins and needles awaiting the next shoe to drop. As I am trying to go to a mortgage assumption, I feel like I am facing a death sentence. Afraid of next steps, afraid of closing costs, and of course if it were just me, that would be bad enough, but I have two 90-year-olds in tow. Any changes are impossible for them, and I carry that weight with me daily. Today, the pool company let me know that something else is broken! This pool is the bane of my existence and just when I think I have corrected one big problem, others arise. When all these things happen, I get mad that I am facing all of this alone. I got married at age 24 because I I thought I found my other half, the person I thought would be with me always, in good times and bad, in sickness and health... so much for death do us part.  

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Wednesday, May 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this was a typical sighting on our deck! Mattie loved his frog sandbox and he kept all sorts of toys in it! But of course he would brings toys from his room to add to the mix. That day Mattie got out a fishing pool and decided that the top of the sandbox was a boat. He was fishing for toys in his pretend ocean! The beauty of Mattie Brown! I will never forget his energy and love for life. 

Quote of the day: Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ A.A. Milne

This morning my friend Ann came to visit. For the most part, I do not see friends, I do not communicate on a regular basis with people, and for all intensive purposes, I feel like I have fallen off the earth. Or let's put it this way.... if I fell off the earth would anyone know?

It was a raining morning, but rain and all, Ann and I went outside and we walked 5 miles together. Keep in mind that I haven't walked outside since the last time Ann visited. Truthfully given my lack of physical exercise, it is remarkable that I could walk all these steps! The route I took today with Ann, was the route Sunny and I used to walk together. 

Sunny was my reason for getting out into the world and walking. Sunny lived up to his name. He had an amazingly warm, loving, and sensitive side. But Sunny was also friendly and beautiful! Which is why he made friends where ever he went! As people would stop to admire Sunny, it caused me to converse with people! Sunny was the best medicine and he truly was therapeutic for me after Mattie died. His loss in my life is also huge. I am quite certain that if Sunny were still alive today, I wouldn't have a cholesterol issue! 

The beauty of having a dog is despite the weather and time of year.... you are out walking. I am not likely to meet my own needs or to even prioritize them. Others are typically more important to me than myself, but it never dawned on me that with all my Sunny walks, it was also good for my health! 

All that said, today's positive was all my initial mortgage assumption paperwork was received. First hurdle done. Now I wait. Just because I applied doesn't mean they will grant me the assumption... the stress over this is enormous. In addition, I kept receiving emails that I did not submit forms and were missing the deadlines. I was having none of that today, so I escalated my issues up to a manager. Indeed, I caught a glitch in their computer system. If I could see all my messages in my sent mailbox, why couldn't they them in their inbox? I spend more time going in circles in this house, and I always ask.... when will it get any easier!? The fear of course is that it NEVER will!