Friday, March 13, 2026

 

Friday, March 13, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie rarely sat in this big white rocker. When he did it usually meant he wasn't feeling well or he wanted to sit with me and rock. When I was pregnant my mom bought us this chair. Though Mattie is no longer with us, the chair remains in my family room. The chair is worn and truly it is not as stable as it used to be, but I just can't seem to part with it. 

Quote of the day: Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. ~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain was quite accurate about anger. For the most part, I keep my anger in check. Meaning I try not to lash out at others, unless provoked, and when being assertive is necessary. Otherwise, my anger goes internally and it is true the feelings it invokes could destroy me from the inside out. Today, while driving from one area in my community to the other to pick up my dad at his memory care center, I ran into traffic. Not traffic on a main street, but traffic leading into my neighborhood. So it is a street that you wouldn't take unless you live in my community! I truly did not know what was going on and was ready to flip out, as I had a limited window to pick up my dad. However, I remained patient. Then I noticed cars in the line in front of me, doing a three point turn because they couldn't move forward. Again, I had no idea what was going on. As cars started to move away from the pile up, I noticed a man (who I don't know) standing in the middle of the road directing traffic. He was telling people NOT to enter our community, but to turn around. Literally by the time I got up to him, I told him outright that he can't stand in the middle of the road and he certainly can't be telling us what to do in our own neighborhood! 

At which point, he started yelling at me that electric lines had come down because a tree fell on the lines. As he was conveying or screaming at me, I could see what he was saying, but again, I have a brain and can determine whether I deem it safe to traverse the road or not. The majority of people complied with his directions, I did not! The side of the road I had to trave on had no downed lines and there was no way I was turning back to get on the main street to fight traffic. As it is, because I was late getting to my dad, he was in a state, ready to cry. He was ready to leave and I wasn't there, and he thought he was left behind. 

So now that I am not in a car and do not have time pressure, why did I yell at this man? Was he trying to be helpful? Maybe! But it was how he went about it! He did not convey the problem, he just started screaming at cars and telling us we were idiots for being on this road. NOPE, his whole demeanor did not sit well with me and given what I am enduring in my personal life, I don't respond well to being yelled at, dictated to, or better yet called an idiot or stupid. But overall, I am also aware of my own internal anger about my life and yesterday's technology crisis in my house did not help as it is still reverberating through me. Could I beat myself up about what happened in the car today (confronting the man in the road)? I could, but I am not going to because the hardest judge of myself is indeed myself. Somewhere along the line, I may learn the art of showing myself the kindness that I try to provide to others on a daily basis.  

Thursday, March 12, 2026

Thursday, March 12, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. I snapped this photo because I loved Mattie's whimsy! He put on his dad's baseball hat and what I love is Mattie had no idea that the hat would cover his entire face! Even not seeing Mattie's face, I would know immediately it was him... Mattie's telltale sign was in the photo.... his sippy cup! A sippy cup was always in tow regardless of the season or the weather!

Quote of the day: Anxiety is a meteor shower of what-ifs. ~ Max Lucado

This morning after getting my dad ready and once his physical therapist arrived, I got on the phone with Verizon. We have been having trouble with the cable TV and connectivity. Either TV or the internet being out in my house is a catastrophe! Though many of my neighbors have Verizon, I tend to be the one that always has the problem! I literally am not kidding, as I know our regional manager and three techs. One of the techs I refer to as my Verizon angel. I have all of their cell phone numbers! Why? Because my issue arises every six months. It is almost like clock work. I can call the 1-800 number, but my issues can never be diagnosed and fixed remotely. So literally while talking on the phone with a Verizon tech support person today, I was also text messaging my Verizon Angel. The Angel happened to be in my neighborhood and within 8 minutes he arrived. 

I have been pushing off the inevitable. When we moved into our house, we created a network of EERO extenders so that we could get Wi-Fi around the entire house. But in all reality, it has never solved my connectivity problems. I can be on Zoom calls and literally my internet connections just drop. This week it was beyond frustrating, as people were talking to me and I couldn't hear them and they couldn't see or hear me! So when I mentioned this to the Angel today, he said to me.... it's time. That may not sound like a big deal, but changing from Eero to other extenders changes the connections to certain things in the house. The first thing he did was to take my shared drive off line. He prepared me for this and he could tell my anxiety level was through the roof. Literally I was so afraid of losing data (yes I have backed a lot of it up), but I have used this shared drive for over a decade, and it is my electronic life. As the shared drive went off line, I literally had to sit down, look out the window, and breath. Once the Angel found out I was divorced, because remember he knew me as married, his patience and compassion increased. I have to get things up and be self-reliance because I no longer have my built in tech support at home, and remember technology hasn't been my strong suit. 

The Angel got the TVs up and operational again and installed the extenders. However, he was called away to another job. Of course after he left, many of the electronic things in the house that need to be on Wi-Fi were having trouble recognizing the new extenders. I literally thought I was going to jump out the window. While dealing with one issue after the other, I was managing my dad's multiple bathroom accidents and cooking and doing laundry. It is after 7pm, and I literally am a bundle of nerves, at one point today I was shaking from fear. All I can say is when will it get easier? 

While chatting with the Angel today, he was telling me about all his friends who are getting divorced in their mid to late life. He said that most men are afraid to leave their wives when they hit their fifties and from his experience it isn't the men who want a divorce but the women. He cited many examples today and the emotional toll it has taken on several of his friends. He said that he has observed his friends feeling so overwhelmed that some even considered suicide or harming the other person. In a world of confusion now a days (look no further than what is reported on the news) it is clear that for some life is unimportant and dispensable. Though I do not share these values, I also can understand without question why someone could feel this low, so empty and so desperate that no other options seem available. 

Any case at the moment, I have TV and the internet! For that and having a Verizon Angel, I am grateful!

Wednesday, March 11, 2026

Wednesday, March 11, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and it was his first trip to Los Angeles. That day, we took Mattie to the Huntington Gardens in Pasadena. Here's the funny part about all of this, when I was in high school and lived in Los Angeles, I visited the museum at the Huntington Gardens, but I never explored the gardens. Since Mattie was all about outdoors and nature, he opened up a whole other world for me and for my parents. This has to be one of my favorite places to visit and I am so glad that we explored it with Mattie. These are memories that are locked within my mind and heart. 

Quote of the day: Despite all of the talk about resilience being an individual trait, most of us are only as resilient as we are loved. ~ Taiki Matsuura

For years I have heard of this series. My college roommate, Leslie, was actually the first person to tell me about it! She and I tend to like the same sort of programming. 

Each night, my parents and I watch TV together. We just finished watching the show called Hudson & Rex. A crime drama that shows the amazing bond between a major crimes team and a K-9. Ironically I stopped watching this show when I learned the main character in real life was diagnosed with cancer and once stable he wasn't allowed back onto the show. In addition, during season 7, Rex (the dog) died in real life. That was enough for me! So for us the show ended at season 6. I do not like change in my real life, and I definitely can't handle it in my TV programming. Losing the original Hudson and the original Rex was enough for me.... some things/people are NOT replaceable!

So a few days ago, I turned to When Calls the Heart. I have watched several episodes of this show years ago, but at the time I was the only one it resonated with, so we did not continue watching it. But now, my parents and I are hooked. This is a Hallmark production, and the program creator is Michael Landon, Jr. I think what this show illustrates is that it is possible to tell a meaningful and beautiful story, without violence, sex, and ridiculous visual effects. The story speaks for itself, as do the actors. 

In one of the scenes from When Calls the Heart, Abigail (played by Lori Laughlin) talks about the loss of both her husband and son in a coal mining explosion. She poignantly points out that she was once a wife, and was once a mom, but now she is neither. It left an enormous hole in her identity and life and she was left to try to figure out what is next in her life. It is an enormous test to one's character to try to pick up the pieces and find a way forward. All I know is I felt like Abigail was speaking my language. I identified with her traumatic losses and the emptiness that results from the unexpected. When I find someone who can give voice to what is in my heart, it gives me pause. All I know is at night, while watching this show, my mind takes a break from my own inner turmoil. Which is a blessing. 

This morning, I had the opportunity to take part in a conference call with the co-founders of another childhood cancer non-profit. In fact, we spoke to this couple a few years ago and shared insights about creating a 501c3 and some of the lessons we have learned along the way. On an aside, in the 17 years that Mattie Miracle has been in operation, we have helped many other parents get their non-profits off the ground. I take great pride in this, and while on the call today, watching the co-founders (who are bereaved parents) interact, I couldn't help but pause. Why? Because at one time this was how me and my other half were.... we were on the same page, working together, having a vision, and working that vision to make it a reality. The moments of grief and sadness present themselves at various times, at unexpected times, and I can't say with time being divorced has gotten any easier. It only gets more familiar. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2026

Tuesday, March 10, 2026 -- Mattie died 836 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in March of  2004. Mattie was almost two years old! To me this photo says it all, as I was trying to take a photo of Mattie and this was not what he had in mind. Mattie wanted to go outside and I was slowing him down. My need to snap photos was not part of his plan. So you can see Mattie got himself outside to our deck and was ready to close the door on me, to prevent the photo, but more importantly to hurry me along. Somehow I captured the photo and his impish smile! 

Quote of the day: It’s not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It’s the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff. ~ Fred Rogers

It was another winner of a morning. Not very long ago, these types of mornings occurred maybe once or twice a week. Now they happen every single morning. The IBS cleanups, while showering and dressing my dad, are overwhelming and frustrating. My dad's cognitive decline is significant. I can say something to him and two seconds later, he doesn't remember what I just said. My dad has lost all memory of most things, including his long-term memory. In addition, my dad knows that I was once married, but he has no idea where my other half is, or what transpired. To my dad, my other half is just away on a trip! If I could only sign up for this portion of his memory, I'd do it in a flash! 

Once I got my parents settled this morning, I then went to my monthly task which I hate..... figuring out how I am paying bills. I spent two hours on bills today and thankfully had a quiet moment where I could actually think. In addition to bill paying, I am also focused on the Foundation's Walk Website. All I can say is THANK goodness, I designed this site a few years ago. If I had to create this from scratch now, I would jump out the window because that would require a steep learning curve. As it is, it has taken me weeks to work on sponsors and raffle items, which was crucial, in order to be able to input that into the website system. 

I finally finished the book I was gifted. The book is a memoir of a woman's relationship and unexpected divorce after 20 years of marriage. In one of her chapters she reflects on what to do with photos, videos, items, and her wedding album. I am sure if you ask divorced women what they have done with these once cherished items, the answer maybe different. But not unlike the author of the book I was reading, I would NEVER throw these items out. Why? Because you can rob me of my present and future, but there is NO WAY you are going to wipe away my past. I was in a relationship for 35 years, had a child, went through a childhood cancer journey, built a Foundation in Mattie's memory and experienced a medical trauma and grief journey together. These are the facts... the photos don't lie. They are visual reminders of the LOVE, SUPPORT, and RESPECT that surrounded those 35 years. 

It was 70 degrees today! Absolutely glorious! I can always tell when it is warm outside.... because Indie insists on outdoor time. I wish I could just let her out, like I would with Sunny. But unlike Sunny, Indie can't be trusted. She needs constant supervision, because one bird sighting and she would will running all over the place and migrating away from our backyard. The only positive of Indie's desire to be outside, is she forces me to go outside with her and to sit still for a moment!

Monday, March 9, 2026

Monday, March 9, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old and this was his first trip to Los Angeles. This was the house I lived in while going to high school. It was a special feeling to share my experiences with Mattie and how he loved California. Mattie was all about being outside, and Southern California's weather is ideal. As you could see Mattie was outside roaming around in his "tot wheels" in March! When I look at this photo, I would never have guessed how my life was going to change. Mattie looked like the picture of health and my dad was cognitively intact and a vibrant part of our family. The problem with cancer and dementia is they cloud my memories.... as it takes a great deal of work on my part to recall Mattie and my dad when they were well!

Quote of the day: When her pain is fresh and new, let her have it. Don’t try to take it away. Forgive yourself for not having that power. Grief and pain are like joy and peace; they are not things we should try to snatch from each other. They’re sacred. they are part of each person’s journey. All we can do is offer relief from this fear: I am all alone. That’s the one fear you can alleviate. ~ Glennon Doyle Melton

By 10am this morning, I felt like the day should have been over. I got up at 6:15am, because it takes much longer to get my dad ready in the morning and I had a conference call for the Foundation at 11am. This morning was a disaster. With late stage dementia, one can lose continence to bowels. Given my dad's issues with irritable bowel syndrome, his issues are magnified by ten. Every morning, the clean up of my dad, the shower, and the floor could make the average person sick to their stomach or cry. The shower looks like a crime scene every morning, and I can't tell you the scrubbing and cleaning I do each day! My dad has NO IDEA why I get upset, as to him his behaviors are normal. 

When I hopped on the call at 11am, I truly had to mentally re-group as I was meeting professionals from the Cancer Action Coalition of Virginia. Several years ago Mattie Miracle worked with the Coalition to add psychosocial language and the Psychosocial Standards of Care to the plan. If you want to see what I am talking about, visit the Virginia Cancer Plan and download the plan look at page 56. Today, I had the opportunity to chat with the new executive director and program coordinator for the Coalition. As I introduced them to Mattie Miracle and our work, I could tell it left them in awe. Sometimes it helps me to see Mattie Miracle through new eyes! In all reality what my small non-profit has been able to accomplish is inspiring, especially when you factor into the equation that we created the Foundation in memory of Mattie. Whatever work I had done with the Foundation, doesn't directly benefit Mattie. But my hope has always been to carry Mattie's legacy forward and through the countless lessons learned from Mattie, I try to help other children and families like mine. When I take a pause from my daily stressors and focus on the Foundation, all I can say is I wear my Foundation hat with pride. NO ONE can take away these accomplishments. I have worked hard and diligently for 17 years and counting and I AM passionate about Mattie's memory and legacy. 

After this energizing call, I felt like I could attack a large tree limb that had fallen in the backyard. I was going to leave it for Steve, my outdoor guru, but today, I got a saw and went at it. Some people have to scream, some people have to punch something, I just need to be outside and working. I can't tell you how therapeutic it was to saw this tree limb. I went out it and cut it in three sections and brought it to the curb. Another thing I can do alone..... and the list is growing! The only thing my divorce has taught me is that I am much stronger than I ever thought and how vital it is to be self-reliant. I never want someone else managing any aspect of my life from finances to personal decisions.  

Sunday, March 8, 2026

Sunday, March 8, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was 11 months old. It was his first airplane trip, and not a short flight either, as we took him to Los Angeles. I had a conference to attend there and since I never parted from Mattie, he came with us and had a ball at my parent's house. I remember taking this photo in the living room. I bent down to snap a photo and Mattie opened his arms to grab me and the camera! It is a priceless photo. When I look at this photo, it brings me back to when I was in high school. As this is the house I lived in then and as I look at my mom's furniture and rug, I see that they have now become mine. That may not sound surprising as children inherit their parents things, but I guess back then when I took this photo, I couldn't see the stage that I would be faced with now.... a caregiver to my parents and divorced. 

Quote of the day: Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from. ~ Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Typically I love Kubler-Ross quotes, but this one came across my page today and all I can say is "really Elisabeth?" Are all events blessings? Must we be bestowed such blessings in order to learn? She was not the only one with this philosophy. So many people believe that all things happen for a reason and we learn what we are made of during such challenging times. There maybe some truth to this fact, but I guess my question is must be learn and grow only as a result of turmoil, crisis, trauma, and grief? My answer is no! I also believe that such trite quotes are generated not to make the traumatized feel better, but instead to provide a platitude for others to deliver to people facing the aftermath of their crises. 

Sunday is usually the day we go out for brunch. A day that I don't have to cook a big meal at home. In addition to caregiving, I am cooking and cleaning around the clock on a daily basis. It is tiring. What should have been a positive experience today, was a disaster. First off, while driving to the restaurant, I could see that my dad was off. He looked and acted out of it. Of course if you ask him, he can't report out anything! NOTHING! I have to be Columbo 24/7! When we got to the restaurant, over the course of the meal, my dad went through three packets of tissues. Mind you I travel with tissues and garbage bags to collect his tissues! This is a daily problem, not unique to today! But today, his nose was running non-stop. I gave him Tylenol while we were eating and while juggling my dad, the restaurant got everything my mom and I ordered wrong! I was constantly sending things back and complaining. While I was dealing with managers coming to the table to chat about the problems, my dad was eating non-stop. So by the time we got our food, he was done, and then he proceeds to stare at us to finish. How I didn't jump out the window I do not know. But one of the managers came over to me because he saw all that I was dealing with, with my parents and wrong orders, that he comped our meal and then gave me a big hug. This kindness doesn't go unnoticed. This is the same manager that tells me often that he sees everything that I do for my parents, and that I am a unique and strong individual. 

Any case, by the time I got home, I was strung out. In fact, I am still agitated tonight from today and now I have to face the fact that my dad could be sick once again. What would be a minor illness for you and me, is hospital worthy for him. For now he is getting Tylenol around the clock and I should know in a day or so which direction this is going. God give me strength. 

Saturday, March 7, 2026

Saturday, March 7, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old. That weekend we took Mattie to Bunnyland at Butler's Orchard in Maryland. This was one of Mattie's favorite spring time events to attend. He loved the farm setting, the hayrides, the mazes, the hands on activities, and of course the Easter Egg hunt. Naturally, if Mattie loved something, so did I, and I enjoyed experiencing things through his eyes! Mattie's curiosity, energy, and joy for life was contagious and will always be missed. 

Quote of the day: Stop a minute, right where you are. Relax your shoulders, shake your head and spine like a dog shaking off cold water. Tell that imperious voice in your head to be still. ~ Barbara Kingsolver

Today was a blur. By the time I got my dad downstairs for breakfast, I felt worn out. But then my mom was screaming from upstairs. When I went to find out what she was yelling about, I could see that the room she gets dressed in had a trail of tiny ants. Since it is on the second floor, this is unusual. This particular room has never had an ant problem. Therefore I was perplexed. The only thing I could deduce was a piece of food fell off her clothing and the ants found it overnight. There are two seasons in which the ants come marching in. Typically it only happens on the first floor by my office. Any case, I went upstairs with vinegar and Clorox (yes the two products that burnt my nasal passages in January). Clorox is the only thing that destroys ant trails. I cleaned up the floor and since I was up there, I vacuumed the whole second floor and then cleaned my bathroom and my mom's. That wasn't on my to-do list today, but I accomplished that task. 

I took my parents out for a late lunch, which is our typical Saturday plan. But when I got home, after getting my parent's settled, Indie fed, and laundry folded, I went outside to the front yard. I spent two hours outside cleaning out the flower beds. Several of the scrubs in the front yard got burned from the snow. This happened last year too. They look so pathetic and dead, but I learned the art of cutting back the dead stuff so that new growth can occur. So I went at it today. It would be nice to have a gadget to do the work, but I did all the cutting by hand with garden shears! I can be more accurate that way! While outside, I could hear kids playing and outdoor grills cooking beef. Normally these would be happy spring time occurrences, but to me these are reminders of how different my life is now. I used to love having food cooked outside on the grill. We used to do this often, but now that I am divorced, I have no idea how the grill works and frankly I am in no mood to take that on. There are many things that I miss about not being married and being a mom, and I do not know when my head and heart will accept this reality. 

Friday, March 6, 2026

Friday, March 6, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we were sitting on the couch reading books together. I think this moment captures the love we shared for one another. As Mattie continued to grow and mature, he would then look deeply into my eyes, flutter his eye lashes against mine and touch noses! Those were the days. All I can say is if Mattie were alive now, my life would be much better. I have no doubt he would be an amazing ally and would be very upset with what has happened to our family. 

Quote of the day: You have been offered “the gift of crisis.” As Kathleen Norris reminds us, the Greek root of the word crisis is “to sift,” as in, to shake out the excesses and leave only what’s important. That’s what crises do. They shake things up until we are forced to hold on to only what matters most. The rest falls away.” ~ Glennon Doyle Melton

There are some days I do not feel like writing. Today was one of those days. For the past two years, I have developed a friendship with someone in England. We met each other in a virtual support group, and we have become friends, helping each other navigate intense heartbreak. In any case, I think it is hysterical that I learned about "NYC Alley Cats" from my friend in England. She sends me a clip daily! I think these videos are so creative and down right adorable, I am sharing the site with you. It is sure to bring a smile to your face.... especially if you are a cat lover! https://www.youtube.com/@LexingtonScoopCo

Here is a cute description of NYC Alley Cats................"Welcome to NYC Alley Cats — street interviews straight from the toughest alley in New York City. This isn’t pet content… this is alley business."

If you want a good laugh, this is the clip I received today.... featuring British Cats versus the NYC cat pack! I just love the commentary, costumes, and the cat names! Absolutely hysterical.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/1256862539741843

Thursday, March 5, 2026

Thursday, March 5, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. I snapped this photo because this was an UNUSUAL sight in my home. Mattie rarely to never napped! It was unheard of, unless of course Mattie was sick! That day Mattie went from ON to OFF. One minute he was playing and the next he was on the couch sleeping! A major clue that immediately meant he was sick and running a fever. 

Quote of the day: All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward. ~ Ellen Glasgow

This morning was another winner. Not unlike yesterday morning. It took me close to two hours to get my dad up, showered, and cleaning up his multiple bouts of irritable bowel issues. I am quite certain the average adult child couldn't face what I do each morning. It feels overwhelming, but to my dad the world is a large toilet bowl. He has lost all reasoning about this, which is frustrating, but I have had to come to terms with this reality. I would be lying if I did not say that these clean ups add to my level of sadness about my life. 

Given the chaos upstairs, I wasn't sure I was going to get my dad downstairs in time for his physical therapy session. Thankfully it worked out and he was able to have breakfast before his session. During the session, his therapist asked me for a ball. A ball that could be placed between my dad's knees while doing exercise. Seriously it was a very innocent request! But guess what..... the innocent request sent me for a tailspin. Why? Because I quickly realized two things, one I had no idea if I had any of Mattie's balls that he used to play with, and two, my other half who would know where I could find balls in the house is no longer here. It was like getting hit with two tragedies all at once. I may not be doing this description justice, but I felt emotionally paralyzed with the therapist's request and though running around looking for a ball in the house, I was drowning internally from multiple forms of grief. 

Meanwhile this morning, my goal was to work on the Foundation's Awareness Walk website. I had carved out some time. I sat down and tried to get on the site. Of course.... I couldn't! I wrote to my support person, Joel, who has helped me since 2020 with the website, and he said the site was down and the company was working on the issues. Joel promised to get back to me today to let me know when the site was operational again. My joke with Joel today was I was happy to hear that the issue was on his end, because my natural reaction is..... what did Vicki do? Joel's response to me was..... Vicki you are TOO hard on yourself. You got this!  

This afternoon I took my parents out to lunch. I literally only take my parents to about three or four restaurants. As a result, I know the managers and most of the wait staff at these places. Each Thursday, we go a restaurant where we work with Tammy. Tammy is a thorough peach and outstanding server. While we were dining, I noticed the table next to me. It was filled with two young women and both had baby carriages in tow. Once they got up from dining, I glanced at the mess they left. I am not talking about just a little mess, I am telling you it looked like a bomb blew off. Bread was all over the floor, straws everywhere, napkins on the floor, spilled water everywhere and total chaos. I called Tammy over and she alerted me that these women are regulars and they are also notorious for leaving before paying the bill. I am not sure what stunned me first, but I am curious, do they treat their own homes in this careless fashion? Who picks up after them at home? That may sound judgmental, but having taken Mattie out for years, I would NEVER leave a place in this condition, I would be thoroughly embarrassed. Overall, I am not sure what I found most upsetting about this..... the mess, the fact that they come back to a place where they have skipped paying the bill (MORE THAN ONCE), or the total lack of respect they have for others around them. 

Given all I have experienced over the last two years, I am heightened to such things as disregard, disrespect, self-absorption, and selfishness. These are traits that frankly I can't tolerate. Life is complicated enough, and I do believe how we treat one another can result in making someone's day good or horrible. May we all try to be a glimmer in someone else's life each day. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2026

Wednesday, March 4, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2008. That weekend we were walking on Roosevelt Island, a National Park so close to our Washington, DC home. It was a family favorite, a place we traversed during every season. When I look at this photo, it is hard to believe that four months later Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: Harder to admit was that I was still, in some way, in love with James, with the version of him that had disappeared. Since we hadn't unwound from each other while we were together, my heart was still tied to him. People assumed that once James left, the moment he walked out the door, my love for him would vanish too. But how does one turn that off after twenty-two years? ~ Belle Burden

It was a rough morning with a big clean up of my dad, linens, the shower, and the floor. Truly there are days when I wonder.... who else does this each day? I recall in 2022, my dad's doctor said to me that the number one reason family members are placed in nursing homes is because of uncontrollable bathroom issues. I most certainly can appreciate that notion. Thankfully for my parents, I have a strong constitution and clean ups don't make me ill. I am not saying I like them what so ever, but truly there is very little I can't manage. I believe Mattie's cancer diagnosis and death have positioned me to be able to serve in this difficult role now. 

Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I drove to my annual bone density appointment. I have had it out with this particular office too many times to count. But today's appointment went well. My doctors are all worried about me and what I am balancing. I seem to be unable to get through ANY APPOINTMENT without one of them asking me about my mental health. For most of them, they know about my intense caregiving role, but they are unaware of my divorce. Today's appointment however, broached that topic and as I shared some facts with this provider, I was expecting a lecture about needing therapy. That is NOT what I got! Instead, what I received was acknowledgment for the strong woman that I am, as what I am juggling emotionally would stymie most people. 

As I continued to read the book that was gifted to me, the quote I posted tonight struck me. Unlike the author, I live in isolation for the most part. I do not socialize, nor do I attend events. Events where I may see friends and their husbands. So I truly do not face the same things as the author did.... meaning I am not asked whether I am dating or what my future plans are... and frankly if I were asked these questions, most likely people wouldn't like the answers. 

The legality of my situation does not match where I am emotionally and since I consider marriage not just a legal commitment but a moral one, I stand behind my vows. Do I think one needs a husband to be happy in life? Well I guess my opinion on this has changed over time. If you asked me once I got separated and then divorced, my answer would be that being in a committed relationship provides more stability and stability produces happiness. Now that I have been divorced for a year, I have moved away from the notion of stability and instead focus solely on the emotional advantages of being married. As humans, we are social creatures, and I think burdens, thoughts, fears, and feelings are always more meaningful and more enriching when shared with someone you love. So besides having to face so many new realities and challenges, it is being emotionally alone that is the most painful.