Wednesday, October 28, 2026

Wednesday, October 28, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2007. That year, Mattie chose to be an Air Force pilot. I remember going costume shopping with Mattie, which was a big deal, because all prior years, I either made Mattie's costume, or he wore some sort of sweat suit material themed Halloween costume. But in 2007, we actually went to a costume store. At the store, they had an army uniform. So I bought it and my friend who was a retired Air Force Lt. Colonel sent me several Air Force patches to sew into the costume. That evening, we went over to our next door neighbor's home. As you can see John and Goli got dressed up for Mattie. They loved Mattie and that wonderful hat that Goli was wearing was later gifted to me! To this day, I still have her hat, which she wanted me to use on future Halloweens with Mattie. Unfortunately the following year, Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. 

Quote of the day: What they never tell you about grief is that missing someone is the simple part. ~ Gail Caldwell

I dropped my dad off at his memory care center this morning and ran back home to take my mom to the Department of Motor Vehicles. The DMV near our home is wonderful. It is well run, honors appointments, and every one there is professional and courteous. I tried to plan everything out.... I filled out my mom's licensure renewal, I told her that they would give her an eye test, and I knew there was going to be a $20 fee. The whole process went smoothly from start to finish. A night and day difference from the DMV in our former Washington, DC neighborhood. After we finished up at the counter, my mom and I moved aside so the representative could help other customers. I had my mom work on putting back her ID in her purse which is attached to her waist. When she opened up the purse, I immediately knew something was missing! My mom has to cases. One case in purple and has her Driver's license, insurance cards, and credit cards, and the other blue case holds my dad's real ID, all his insurance cards, and two credit cards. That blue case was missing! At first I thought she moved it to a different zipper fold of the purse. NOPE! I literally tore the purse apart and didn't find the blue case. That was when I absolutely panicked. I was bordering on distraught and my mom was shaking like a leaf. 

I literally couldn't deal with her confusion and anxiety and told her we had to get home so that I could locate that blue case. While in the car, my mom then accused me of taking the blue case and that I am the one who misplaced it! Seriously for about two minutes, I was getting sucked into her delusion! Then I quickly reviewed in my mind my last couple of days, and I confirmed in my head that I did not take, use, or hold the blue case! When I encouraged my mom to think about the case, she literally had NO IDEA what happened to it or when she last saw it. Given that my dad is a frequent flier at the emergency room, I always need access to his ID and insurance cards. So I was NOT happy. 

When I got back home, I literally looked in all my mom's drawers, on the desk, and her nightstand. I couldn't find the blue case. I then kept thinking! I then considered that perhaps it fell out of her purse while at home. She sits on the couch, so maybe it was there or within the couch pillows. I tore the couch apart, and unfortunately no blue case. I then went back upstairs and went through her nightstand again. However, while going through the drawers, I decided to look under her side of the bed. Sure enough there were pens and the blue case under the bed. As I have mentioned before, my mom is glued to Facebook. She can get lost on her device for hours, causing her to forget to get herself ready in time for appointments or to even pay attention to what she is doing or what is around her. I surmise that while at her bedside, she was looking at her phone, put the purse on the bed, it may have fallen and its contents landed up under the bed. But my mom was oblivious to the contents falling out or that they were even missing. 

After I found the blue case, I then went through both her case and my dad's. I removed all credit cards and secured them away, as I do not want my mom to be dropping credit cards. My parents also had duplicate copies of their health insurance cards. I took the duplicates, so that I always have access to these cards. When I tell you that it was a morning of sheer panic, I am not kidding, and the sad part is it reminds me that I am the only one of sound mind living in my house. It is scary, daunting, and overwhelming to live with such heavy responsibilities alone!

Tuesday, October 27, 2026

Tuesday, October 27, 2026 -- Mattie died 869 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. If Mattie was in clothes, then I know it was a hospital admission day! Otherwise, when in the hospital, Mattie refused to change out of pajamas. I learned to go with it. As you can see, Mattie was working on a plate of spaghetti. Mattie went through various food phases. That one was spaghetti. Not just any pasta, it had to be spaghetti with tomato sauce. Living in a hospital, getting access to what Mattie wanted on demand, was close to impossible. Thankfully we had Team Mattie, who seemed to rise to the occasion and meet every possible request we had. The one beautiful thing about Mattie's journey that I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: When someone you love dies, and you’re not expecting it, you don’t lose her all at once; you lose her in pieces over a long time – the way the mail stops coming, and her scent fades from the pillows and even from the clothes in her closet and drawers. Gradually, you accumulate the parts of her that are gone. Just when the day comes – when there’s a particular missing part that overwhelms you with the feeling that she’s gone, forever – there comes another day, and another specifically missing part. ~ John Irving

This morning I had to take my dad to his foot doctor. Why? Because Medicare pays for shoes once a year for diabetic patients. Sounds good! Until you go through the process! It is labor intensive and mind numbing. My dad has had diabetes for decades, yet Medicare requires that my dad see his primary care doctor thirty days before we apply for shoes from the podiatrist, to document diabetes! Seriously???? Do they think that my dad will have a miraculous recovery from diabetes? Mind you, when my dad sees his primary care doctor, it can't be virtual, he must go to the office to have a live appointment with the doctor. Which is more labor intensive work for the caregiver. If we do not comply and complete this primary care visit, then my dad's feet can't be measured by the podiatrist to start the shoe request process. I deal with this vicious cycle yearly. 

My dad met with his primary care doctor in August. After that appointment the clock starts ticking..... as we have thirty days from that diabetes check to see the foot doctor. Of course, it has to be a dedicated shoe measurement appointment, we can't see the foot doctor for other things during that visit! But here is the kicker, when the shoes come in, my dad now has to come to the office to try on the shoes and sign the paperwork. I can no longer go into the office on my own to pick up the shoes. So to put this into context, I have been working on his shoe application since August. We finally went to the office to pick up the shoes today. Medicare has NO REGARD for what it is like to schlep a 91 year old from one medical appointment to the next just to get and try on shoes. I honestly do not know how older adults manage any of this without an adult child on the scene. Today, I decided to use a wheelchair to get my dad into the podiatrist office. Without fail, when my dad goes to this doctor office, he typically has an irritable bowel incident. I was in no mood for this today! By placing my dad in a wheelchair, there was less movement for him, and we made it without an accident. 

Sure enough though, as soon as we got home to pick up my mom, the accident happened. All I know is I may never be able to smell again. My life is regulated by cleaning products, because if I did not use them, the smells in the house would be over the top. I refuse to live in an environment that smells like a nursing home or assisted living facility. So I am constantly cleaning.... in fact it is how I start and end each day. 

In the midst of everything else I was juggling today, I went back on-line to figure out my own health insurance. Cigna has canceled my plan as of December 31. Not just me, but anyone in the country who has an independent plan that is not part of their employment or part of the healthcare marketplace. I loved my plan, but I have had to be very proactive about this because being without insurance scares me to no end, given the incredible cost of healthcare. Any case, as soon as the calendar turns over to November, with open enrollment, I will be addressing this problem. I have done my research and have a plan and insurer picked out. What I would like to know is will there ever be a day that I will not be juggling an issue, a problem, or a crisis? The answer is probably not! This is one of the many things that I attribute to my divorce. I will never forget this time in my life, I will never forget what I have had to navigate on my own, nor will I ever forget the feeling of being discarded, under valued, and forgotten. For some things, my mind is like a steel trap. 

Monday, October 26, 2026

Monday, October 26, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his first limb salvaging surgery. This wooden ramp was built outside our apartment entrance in order to accommodate Mattie's wheelchair. Our complex even put a ramp for Mattie by the entrance to the building. We truly had a network of people looking out for us and here's the funny part of all of this.... I have no idea where these pumpkins came from. I certainly do not remember buying them, so my hunch was someone from Team Mattie gave them to us, and Mattie put them outside out door! Which was why I snapped a photo of him with them. Mattie was my pumpkin fan, and thanks to him I now love all things pumpkin.

Quote of the day: Sometimes all you can do is lie in bed and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart. ~ William C. Hannan

I woke up this morning not feeling good. My stomach was bothering me, but whether I am feeling good or bad, the show must go on. So I pushed through the pain, but I was moving slower than usual today. After I got my dad showered, dressed, had breakfast, and to his memory care center, I came home, managed the laundry and then went to the backyard. Given how I was feeling, I needed fresh air and to move around. I spent two hours outside cutting back roses for the winter. 

In the two brown clay pots are oak trees. These trees grew from acorns. The acorns came from a tree right outside our apartment in Washington, DC. Mattie loved that oak tree! Why? Because it was the only oak near us and we needed those leaves to help feed Mattie's tent caterpillars every spring (trust me they ate nothing else!). When we moved to Virginia, we took the acorns with us and planted them. They are a tribute to my Mattie and his love of acorns and oaks!

It was a glorious 70 degree today. By this time last year, I had already winterized our hose bibs and put the hoses in the garage for the winter. But not this year. Today, I was outside watering plants and it felt like spring. As you can see, leaves are everywhere. 

When we moved into the house in 2021, there were all sorts of things decorating the backyard. Most of which we piled up and threw out. But what I could see in my mind was terracotta pots lined with roses, so my other half made that happen. Today, I trimmed back those roses and shaped them. 

I absolutely love roses. That said, do you think they are my favorite flower? NO! Most people do not know what my favorite flower is, but it is a gardenia. In my parent's house in Los Angeles, they had several gardenia plants. They thrived in that soil and climate. They aren't happy here in Virginia, so I don't even bother planting them. But when I was in high school, I remember receiving a gardenia corsage. Mind you, I can't recall who gave it to me, or what the occasion was, all I remember is the flower and its intoxicating fragrance. To me the gardenia is about understated and pure beauty. 

That said, when we moved into the house, there were many flower beds in need of repair or to be re-imagined. This area was just such an area! My other half transformed it into a rose garden for me. Today I went outside and cut back all the roses. There is so much vegetation, that I literally take it one parcel at a time. I manage so much in the house, and now that I have done it for three years, I have the timing on things inside and out. But these 70 degree fall days are a blessing, because there are many moments when I am so overwrought, overwhelmed, and distraught that the only thing that works for me is to get outside, breathe in fresh air and work in the garden. 

Sunday, October 25, 2026

Sunday, October 25, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken on Halloween of 2008. That day Mattie went to the hospital in his mummy costume and participated in all the child life activities. Next to Mattie was Sally the Storybook Lady. Sally was gifted. She had a way of making a story come a live and she encouraged participation. She always brought props with her and Mattie immediately gravitated to Sally. Mattie could be very ill, not feeling up for much, but if he heard that Sally was in the unit, he wanted to see her. He even allowed Sally into his hospital room, which was a big honor, because as Mattie's cancer journey evolved, he turned inward and truly did not want visitors. Which was hard to mitigate as Mattie had an extensive team of supporters. I will never forget the Mattie and Sally antics and the positive diversions Sally added to our lives. 

Quote of the day: I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence. ~ Alyson Noel

About a week ago, I had to stop one of my dad's diabetic medication. He had developed welts on his face and a terrible allergic itch and rash on his right arm (this is a photo of a medication based rash). My dad has no self discipline, so he literally will scratch his arm raw. I have been dealing with countless issues over the last two weeks. I am still battling his pressure sores since February, and have to change his wounds twice a day, I am trying to prevent my dad from getting an infection on his arm from all the open wounds he has created from scratching, and now I am dealing with a vicious case of irritable bowel issues that have resulted from my dad stopping this medication. Any time my dad starts or stops medication, it exacerbates his irritable bowel issues. If all of that wasn't enough, two weeks ago, I had an army of ants coming in from the backyard into my kitchen. I can't tell you how much Clorox I have used to combat their attack. It was so bad that I got the exterminate back to treat the porch and backyard for ants. Thankfully no more ants. But I have used so many cleaning products that like in January of 2026 (when my dad had norovirus), I have once again burned my nasal passages from cleaning. All I can smell in my nose is cigarette smoke. That alone is sickening and frightening. Thankfully though, I know what the issue is, as my physician educated me in the spring. Eventually I will get my smell back, but it take weeks to recover. Honestly I am so wiped out from everything.

This afternoon, my friend in England sent me this funny video. It is a short comedy routine about turning the clocks back! Which is fast approaching on November 1. I don't know about you, but this guy had me laughing.... both with his battery dialogue and then trying to rehang the clock on the wall. Hope it brings a smile to your day like it did to mine. 

Saturday, October 24, 2026

Saturday, October 24, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. As you maybe able to see, Mattie's right arm was casted and in a sling (from his limb salvaging surgery). Despite having limited mobility, Mattie found creative ways to play and move his body. That day Mattie's physical therapist brought in water guns and all sorts of toys. Mattie absolutely loved it and his poor therapist got drenched with water. You may also see a McDonald's shake on Mattie's table. Mattie went through various food phases while enduring cancer treatment. That moment in time, he was all about the vanilla shake! 

Quote of the day: No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. ~ C.S. Lewis

I have no idea what happened to today. My goal was to bake cookies for three of the wonderful women who serve us Sunday brunch and then take my parents out mid-day for ice cream. I have decided that I can't handle our usual Saturday routine of going to the diner. The diner has been a royal disappointment three weeks in a row. So now I am waiting for another local restaurant to open up in November, which will replace our Saturday diner trips. While I was assembling and baking cookies, I could see my mom was sleeping at the breakfast table. So I moved her to the couch. 

After I baked the cookies and was going to let them cool before frosting them, I tried to wake my mom up so that we could all go out. To my surprise, she did not want to get off the couch and go out. That is VERY UNUSUAL for my mom. So I have to keep an eye on her to figure out what is going on. I believe that part of this is psychological, as we learned a close friend of mine is relocating from our region in 2027. This is a massive blow to me, given that I am now divorced. But I think this news hit my mom hard as well, because on some level she is worried about my future. All the worrying and anxiety over this issue has wiped her out this week. As for me, it is a sad commentary, but the way I feel is that at some point, each and every person I know will abandon me. That may not sound rational, but to lose a child and a husband, for me is a devastating combination and it influences my perspective. 

While the cookies were baking, I started assembling the containers. Two of the women..... I bought pumpkin lotion and a squishy pumpkin, as they love lotion and squishy toys. Literally Stephanie has a collection of over 80 squishies!

The final product... pumpkin cake cookies! These were a Mattie favorite!

Friday, October 23, 2026

Friday, October 23, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was admitted to the hospital that day and thankfully the child life playroom was having Halloween decorating. Mattie absolutely loved that playroom. Ironically when Mattie started treatment, the playroom did not exist. It was in the process of being constructed. Thank goodness, because I can't imagine 14 months in-patient without this space. Especially given that Mattie's hospital room was the size of a postage stamp! The decorated pumpkin was designed by Mattie. He designed a pumpkin head and we found some black material to create a cape for Mr. Pumpkin Head! 

Quote of the day: There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don’t really mind so much, not so very much, after all. … People get over these things. Come, I shan’t do so badly. One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then comes a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this ‘commonsense’ vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a furnace. ~ CS Lewis

It was another busy day! Jumping from one task to another. I wanted to get myself to the post office to mail Foundation material to a college basketball coach in Virginia. The coach wants to feature Mattie Miracle at his up coming game on November 2. Ironically I told him November 2, is Mattie Miracle's 17th birthday. So I told him we were destined to be connected. This coach and I have been having lovely email chats and I mailed him a Foundation awareness pin and some Mattie Miracle themed gifts for his two children. I also worked on sending him stories, quotes, photos and videos this week. Needless to say, I am very happy that Mattie Miracle was chosen for this opportunity and I look forward to sharing more information as it develops.

By 1pm, I felt like I had run a marathon. But my days don't end until my parents go to sleep. I took my mom out for tea today and while out, and sitting down, I literally researched how to remove super glue from a Dyson vacuum. I guess I am not the only one who has ever glued parts of the machine together. The internet recommended using 91% rubbing alcohol. So after I picked my dad up and got my parents settled this afternoon, I set up space in the kitchen to try to fix my Dyson. Overall, since my separation, I can panic over things that are not working. My biggest fear is I won't be able to manage something, I won't be able to figure it out, and worse that I will have to spend money to correct the problem. But this morning, I said to myself.... maybe I should look at this another way! Instead of worrying that I won't be able to figure something out, I should say..... what if I can get it to work? What if I can figure it out? After all, my track record so far has been high. So I went into the glued vacuum problem with this attitude.

I did it! The problem has been solved. See the red button on the blue wand? Well it came loose, so I super glued it back in place. The only problem was I did not let it dry. I mistakenly attached the canister to the red button. Therefore, I couldn't separate the pieces and empty out the filled canister of debris. 

This may not sound earth shattering, but to me it was, as I am very attached to this vacuum. I was given this vacuum by my other half when we moved into this house and I refuse to throw it out. Instead, Dyson has worked with me to practically replace every part of the vacuum over these last three years! 

 

The items keep flowing in. This is excellent news for the Foundation's Item Carts!!! So grateful that Mattie Miracle's supporters value our work and mission. 

Thursday, October 22, 2026

Thursday, October 22, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. It was Halloween and that day we got dressed up and trick or treated at the hospital. Many of the administrative offices were handing out candy to the children and the child life team had all sorts of activities and treats for families. Mattie hand picked this costume in clinic all on his own. He loved it because the mummy bandages concealed his casted arm that was also in a sling. The costume also came with a mummy hat, hiding his bald head. Mattie had a full day at the hospital that day and then met up with his preschool buddy, Zachary, to go trick or treating. For a moment in time, Mattie had bits of normalcy. 

Quote of the day: Abandonment is not just leaving someone behind; it’s leaving a piece of yourself with them, forever searching for completion. ~ Tracy A. Malone

Every morning, I use my Dyson hand held vacuum to clean up the first floor. My other half bought me this vacuum when we moved in the house because he could see me struggling to deal with pet fur, dust, and dirt each day. Remember our first floor has ivory tiles in the kitchen and hallway. It shows every piece of dirt possible! I won't part with this vacuum. Believe me! I have replaced almost every part of this vacuum over the years, thanks to the help of Dyson support. 

Do you see the red button under the canister? Well my red button came loose yesterday, so I made the mistake of using super glue to position it back in place. However, what I should have done, was let the glue dry, before inserting the canister back on. Today, when I used the vacuum and I went to open up the canister to throw out the debris, I couldn't get it off! Why? Because it was glued together. HONESTLY, I thought I was going to flip out this morning. I tried everything I knew to loosen it and and to separate the pieces. Forget it! I now ordered super glue remover and I am hoping if I soak it in that, I can get it open. If not, I have ruined the entire machine. So this is how I started my day and it did not get any better from there!

It was a non-stop irritable bowel clean up day with my dad. I have used so much Clorox over the last couple of days, that I have once again burned my nasal passages and all I seem to smell is cigarette smoke. This clean up is down right exhausting. But there is something about caregiving, running a foundation, and maintaining this house that keeps me busy and constantly moving. 

When I woke up this morning, there were packages by the front door. I processed them at 6:30am. Then when I got home this afternoon, there were more packages for the Foundation's item drive. Again, I processed them and broke down boxes. When I went outside to my recycling bin, I found more boxes had been delivered. It is truly amazing the generosity of our supporters. However, for me, it is a very sad commentary that I face all of this work alone. I carry Mattie's memory alone and there are days when I simply feel I am going to crack up over what has happened.  

Wednesday, October 21, 2026

Wednesday, October 21, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital admissions and that day his cousins were visiting. So we all went for a walk in Foggy Bottom, our neighborhood in Washington, DC. Notice that Mattie was holding a toy car in his right hand..... a tell tale Mattie sign. Though Mattie wasn't up for running around like his cousins, he did his best to catch up and play along. Notice the smile on his face, which always made me happy to see. When I drive into Washington, DC now and I pass these flagpoles outside this government building, I think of Mattie and this moment in time. 

Quote of the day: People hunger for certainty. Even sure knowledge of death is more welcome than a continuation of doubt. ~ Pauline Boss

It was another early morning today, as my parents had dentist appointments in the city. I got up at 5:45am, but no matter how early I get up, it is never early enough. At 9:15am, my mom was still not dressed. So after showering and dressing my dad, I got him downstairs for breakfast. While he was eating, I went back upstairs and herded my mom. I blew her hair out and styled it, got her shoes on, and collected her laundry. However, neither my mom or I were able to have breakfast, despite the fact that it was sitting on the table waiting for us. I told my mom today that something has to change. I have to create a system where she sees a count down of time. Though frankly even with cues and prompts she won't pay attention. So literally I will have to personally give her reminders every thirty minutes, because the stress of this morning was over the top!

I did get to the city, which was a 40 minute drive, parked, and I used Mattie's wheelchair to get my dad into the dentist office. It is too far a walk from the car to manage my dad without a wheelchair and I had my mom hold onto one of the wheelchair handles for balance. My dad's hygienist comes in specifically for him on Wednesdays, as she normally doesn't work that day of the week. I have had two very bad dental visits with my dad and I have now refused most hygienists. But I love Alisa, she works with my dad, while my mom works with Annie (my dental hygienist). Alisa knows all about the nightmare of my life and while she is cleaning my dad's teeth (which she has to do standing up, as he can't lie flat in the chair because of his back and neck), we chat. I tell her she is better than any therapist. She is very empathetic and simply gets it. Any case, my dentist and Alisa told me that I am doing a great job with my dad and Alisa is always impressed with how clean, neat, and well dressed my dad is. As I told her, I run a tight ship! 

After the dentist, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. When I returned home, I headed straight for the computer to call my mortgage company. I have been trying to get them to do an escrow analysis for me since my mortgage assumption. When I called last week, the woman gave me the run around and wasn't helpful. Today, I wasn't going to get off the phone without answers. I lucked out, I got connected to an agent named Lynda. Lynda is a former marine. I told her I appreciated her service and I think the marines gave her a solid foundation for life. Though she did not know the answers to my questions, she worked the problem. Like any good marine. She and I were on the phone for 90 minutes. During that time, she connected me with other agents and we had a three way conversation. Lynda and Cynthia were God sends and I now have their phone numbers and extensions. Apparently you just can't get an escrow analysis without a work order, so Lynda created one today and the final analysis should come to me at the end of the month. Now why couldn't the representative I spoke to last week do this? I know the answer.... she did not want to spend the time to research and solve the problem. Needless to say, Lynda and Cynthia are examples of what is right in the world and I told them we need to clone them. They said I made their day, and together we all learned more about the escrow analysis process. 

Today's item drive additions! So grateful for the incredible support of our work! 

Tuesday, October 20, 2026

Tuesday, October 20, 2026 -- Mattie died 868 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital admissions and that day we went out into our commons area to fly a kite. A kite that Mattie had just received from his support network of friends. Our commons space in Washington, DC was the ideal place to learn to walk, ride a bicycle and fly a kite. The wind blew just the right way in this space to make kites airborne. I miss these Mattie moments, his energy, and zest for life. 

Quote of the day: It is not unusual for others to want closure more than the person experiencing the loss. ~ Pauline Boss

I had a more peaceful Monday night, compared to Sunday. I will never forget the smoke and heat detector alarms that went off or what it took to change the batteries! This morning I got up early because I knew I had to juggle my dad and a service person coming to the house to help maintain the generator. Given that our property loses power at all times of the year, I am happy my parents installed a generator in 2022. But I care for that big piece of equipment religiously. 

Originally when I chose today for a service visit, the company told me that their policy is they will not give me an exact time. Instead, they would only alert me by text message 30 minutes before the tech arrives. That did not sit well with me. So last week, I text messaged Bob, my electrician. Bob works for the same company and he knows what I juggle on any given day. Any case, Bob worked his magic and Shaun came over at 10:30am. Shaun is familiar with my generator, since he helped me in the Winter of 2026, when the generator battery died, and the neighborhood was without power.  

Thankfully the generator is doing well and Shaun says I have a "golden" oldie. Mind you it is only four years old. The new generators rely on technology and as such, there are issues that are arising that need to be worked out. Interesting! 

While I was juggling my dad, getting him to his memory care center, dealing with Shaun, and doing Foundation work, my mom wanted to return a call to her long time friend. Her friend called this morning, while I was showering my dad. Needless to say, I couldn't pick up the phone, though he tried my home phone, cell phone, and my mom's cell phone. If he only knew what I was juggling at that hour! Any case, I got my mom situated for the call and gave her ear phones so she could hear without holding the phone. I waited until she connected with her friend and then I moved along. Ten minutes later, I went out to check on my mom and she had the ear phones in her ears but wasn't talking. I asked her what happened. She didn't know! I asked her whether her friend dropped the call or had to go and do something? Again, she didn't know! So I helped her call back. This time I was listening. Every five minutes the call got disconnected, and her friend kept calling back! Now I knew she had a strong Wi-Fi connection to make the call, so then it hit me..... my mom was holding the phone and whatever she was doing was disconnecting the call. So again, I got up from my desk and told her to leave the phone on the table and to just talk. That worked perfectly!

Naturally in conversation comes.... how is Vicki? I could hear my mom giving a very skewed update. Skewed because it sounded like I was fine, moving on, and having a great life. Seriously I wanted to know who she was talking about. I could even hear the discussion of me dating! The notion that anyone thinks I could possibly date is down right hysterical. To me that negates my long term relationship and everything that has transpired. Not only do I have no intention of dating, I am still wearing my wedding ring. This reminds me of when Mattie died. I think people wanted me to return to being "normal." Actually I don't just think that, I was ACTUALLY TOLD THIS! Friends wanted me to think toward the future! But unfortunately surviving a traumatic loss doesn't work like that, it takes time, more time, and more, more time. That said, I would love to be the Vicki that was discussed today on the phone call.... as she sounds like she is a happy and thriving!

Monday, October 19, 2026

Monday, October 19, 2026

Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie had returned to the hospital that day, and was admitted. We went straight to the child life playroom to participate in the Halloween activities. As you can see one of the volunteers was dressed up as Ariel, the Disney mermaid! I can't tell you how much I appreciated college students who came to the floor and tried to engage and brighten up the children's days! Together they had fun painting pumpkins and even eating cupcakes! 

Quote of the day: The tension that results from conflicting emotions, especially when family members unresolved grief is not acknowledged, becomes so overwhelming that they are frozen in their tracks. They cannot make decisions, cannot act, and cannot let go. ~ Pauline Boss

It was not a good night. I have been faced with a migraine for three days so far. I think I finally fell asleep at 1am. At 4:30am, I was jolted awake by a very loud beeping sound. Given the hour, I was startled and scared. I did jump out of bed and I started to listen for the sound. At first, I thought something was wrong with the upstairs furnace (which sits in the attic space above my bedroom). I was concerned that something was wrong with the equipment and an alarm was going off. NOPE! So then I moved out into the hallway. As soon as I was in the hallway, I saw flashes of red. There were two detectors on the ceiling of the hallway beeping. I am not talking about a muted beep, I am talking LOUD. I looked into my parent's room and they were both sleeping! Oblivious to the chaos. 

Given that my detectors are connected to my alarm, I had the wherewithal at that awful hour to know..... do not take the detectors off the ceiling. So I debated what do I do? At first, I thought maybe I should go back to bed and try to sleep. THAT WAS A BAD DECISION. My heart was racing with anxiety and fear, as my constant fear since my separation is..... will I be able to figure this out?

Okay, so sleeping wasn't happening, so I decided to go to my alarm's app on my phone. I was able to somehow acknowledge the detectors beeping and that stopped the sound. The first miracle! Of course by the time I got back into bed, Indie activated! So there was NO SLEEPING. Therefore today I am working on 3.5 hours of sleep. As I was getting myself ready today, I felt ill. Not physically ill, but emotionally spent because I knew I had a full day ahead! 

Once I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I came home to address the beeping as there is no way I am having another night like this again. Instead of trying to solve the problem myself, I contacted the alarm company and worked with a lovely woman. She chatted on-line with me and walked me through the process of changing out batteries in both detectors. One detector is for smoke and the other for heat! Frankly I couldn't tell the difference, as they both looked exactly the same, and both of them had low batteries. The only thing the agent did not prepare me for was the deafening sound that was going to ensue when I took the old batteries out of the detectors. Literally my ears were ringing for thirty minutes after that nightmare. But the bottom line is I did it! The only thing is that I have three more detectors in the house, so I am assuming they will all need battery replacements soon (this is the first time in five years I have had to do this!). Given that the detectors take a unique lithium battery, I ordered more today, to be prepared for the next saga. 

I have five hibiscus plants inside for the winter. Plant number 2 is now blooming. To me this is the glorious part of bringing plants inside for the winter, I can see and appreciate greenery.

All my married life, we brought plants into our home for the winter. Even in our apartment. I used to call my apartment's living room window.... my room with a view! The tradition continues!