Thursday, May 14, 2026
It has been a hellish two days. I took my dad to the emergency room on Wednesday night, he was admitted and had surgery today. I am too exhausted to write. I will hopefully write more tomorrow.
May 14, 2026
May 13, 2026
Wednesday, May 13, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday! It was grandparent's day at Mattie's school. My parents had a wonderful time meeting Mattie's teachers, touring the campus, hearing a choir concert, and watching Mattie in action with his friends. After that event, we went out to lunch together. Unlike me, Mattie was NOT into food. Therefore, to get him to sit at a table with us required many tricks up my sleeve. That day I brought a whole bag of Legos and as you can see he was creating at the table! Loved that smile!
Quote of the day: The truth is that stress doesn’t come from your boss, your kids, your spouse, traffic jams, health challenges, or other circumstances. It comes from your thoughts about your circumstances. ~ Andrew Bernstein
I truly wonder.... does the average person face the same amount of stress I endure each day? I certainly think we are surrounded by stress in our lives, but there is something about the frenetic and daily stream of problems and crises that come before me in any day that truly frazzle me. I live in a constant state of being hyperalert. Today was more of the same! It started with an email from the mortgage assumption company! Guess what? ASKING the same bloody questions! If you have been following along then you know I have received constant emails from the company with the same message, asking for the same materials!
I literally left my dad at the breakfast table and jumped onto my computer to respond to today's email. Once again, I sent the same documents! But today I did not just send them in the portal, I also copied my assumptions agent. If you recall his name is Jesus. Jesus is getting to know me quite well, as he now knows he is dealing with a woman who has faced a lot and is living with constant stress and anxiety. The mortgage company wanted a copy of my divorce and marital settlement agreement and these documents paint a small snapshot into the heartache I have been facing. In any case, somehow after he saw these documents today, he took a pro-active approach and called me. He wanted me to know that he personally received the documents and he is now putting them into the hands of the processors. Which means that hopefully I will not receive another request asking me for the same information. The reason I freaked out today is that today's notice said that either I supply the documentation or my assumption application gets closed. That was issue number one today. But it did not end there!
After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, I went to the Post Office to talk with one of the employees about the certified letter I sent to the IRS. I paid for tracking, but according to the tracking, the letter still hasn't been received and it was mailed on April 29th. Which is clearly ridiculous. I was hoping the postal employee could help me. She was lovely and she even got her supervisor involved. However, given that the letter was going to the IRS, they explained that this tracking issue is a common problem. The notice that we all get when trying to track this letter is.......
Even with the assistance of technology, combined with our employee's best efforts, items will be delivered but unfortunately may not receive a delivered scan. We know this is disappointing, and we ask that you please accept our apology for any inconvenience. If you tax documents did not received a delivered scan, we recommend the following steps.
The steps basically take me right back to having to call the IRS. Any case, I decided today to contact my parent's accountant and we have a strategy for dealing with this, but I also decided to write another more comprehensive letter to the IRS and I included a ton of documentation, including a copy of the voided erroneous check they sent me, a copy of all correspondence, and a copy of the certified receipt from the post office. The post office ladies all chimed in today and said to me that this receipt proves that you brought the document to the post office and that it went into the mail! Any case, I have to determine how to best mail this second packet to the IRS in a way that will generate for me a confirmed response.
So that was issue number two. Issue number three was dealing with Wi-Fi issues inside the house and it is affecting certain devices. I am truly waiting for a day when there are NO problems, NO demands, and NO big decisions that have to be made, because honestly if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like, it isn't sustainable.
May 12, 2026
Tuesday, May 12, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2008. Mattie was 6 years old and it was grandparent's day at Mattie's school. As my parents were touring around Mattie's kindergarten classroom, I snapped this photo! THANK GOODNESS, I volunteered on campus that year, because if I hadn't, I would never have experienced the grandparent's day festivities. I thought Mattie would have many more of these happy moments. Unfortunately, it was his first and only grandparent's day, because two months later he was diagnosed with cancer.
Quote of the day: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
Last night I stayed up until 1am, doing Foundation work. By the time I got into bed, I literally passed out from exhaustion. When I got up this morning, I went downstairs and continued Foundation work before showering and getting ready for the day. In the midst of doing this work, it dawned on me...... I have my mom's annual teacher's retirement paperwork to do! I literally paused, because I do it every spring, but I truly had to stop and ask myself.... what season are we in? What month are we in? Sounds funny, but when you are caregiving day in and out, everyday is the same! So truthfully this morning, I was running around dealing with Foundation stuff, retirement paperwork, and let's add IRS requests.
Some of you may recall that my parents received an unexpected refund check from the IRS a month ago. If you read the April 28th blog, then you know that nightmare I endured. Of course anyone who has ever had to call the IRS, you immediately know exactly what I am talking about. Any case, when I received that check a month ago, I knew.... NOT to cash it! After my April call with the IRS, I learned the process for returning the erroneous check and where to mail it. So naturally I wrote a cover letter, included documentation, and certified all of this with the Post Office. I have been tracking that letter for weeks now.
This is the third time I have sent a certified letter somewhere and the third time I can't track it. This morning, I tried to contact the post office's customer service. Now here's a kicker.... the post office said that sometimes the carrier is unable to scan the letter/package at its intended location. Which makes it impossible for the customer to track. Because the letter can't be tracked, guess what? I have to call the IRS back. Especially after the notice I received yesterday, as the IRS has calculated that I cashed this check and therefore wants more money from us. Seriously, I am on the treadmill to lunacy! What I have learned from this is I will NEVER EVER use the post office to track a letter or package. I am going right to UPS or Fedex.
In fact, I used to certify letters with big Foundation checks in it, and just like with the IRS, the post office tracking was ineffectual! So now I do all payments electronically because I have to be able to track and account for all money. By the time I woke my dad up today, I felt like I went ten rounds already. Sometimes the feeling of being overwhelmed just floods me. Last night I was so strung out with juggling the mortgage assumption and the IRS, that at dinner time, I thought I was going to have a meltdown. I got into the kitchen and literally looked at the stove, oven, and the food, and asked myself.... do you have the energy to make dinner? I felt like the only thing I wanted to do was jump out the window. But I focused and started working and of course there was a hot dinner cooked and served.
May 11, 2026
Monday, May 11, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and it was his first day of summer camp at his preschool. Mattie loved his preschool and especially enjoyed summer camp. Mattie was eager to get going, but he entertained me by stopping for a photo. Ironically many of the moms I met in this school are still my friends today and they help me raise funds for Mattie Miracle. It was a special school and time in our lives.
Quote of the day: And here you are living despite it all. ~ Rupi Kaur
I absolutely relate to tonight's quote. Just when I think the day will be somewhat stable, I am hit with multiple problems. Problems that take up time and I have to account for, such as I keep getting the same questions asked over and over again by my mortgage assumption company. Today, I finally got a hold of my agent and we discussed this for thirty minutes. They have on my record that I lived somewhere else..... a place I never LIVED before! Trying to iron this out today was like a clip from Abbott and Costello.... some of you may remember.... What's on first, who's on second, and I don't know who's on third! Needless to say, I have developed a migraine from this and other things.
Ironically I had a friend write to me today, who is going through similar issues with her divorce, and she basically said to me.... given all that you are facing and have faced, it is amazing that I am still alive. Meaning that some people are driven to suicide over what I am coping with each day. She is absolutely correct. I do not write about everything I been dealing with, but seriously it is enough to make me crazy. Any case, I have nothing positive to say tonight, so I am signing off in hopes that a see a ray of sunshine tomorrow.
May 10, 2026
Sunday, May 10, 2026
.jpg)
Tonight's picture was taken on Mother's Day of 2006. Mattie was four years old and that day we took him to one of his favorite restaurants to celebrate the day. To me, Mattie was the picture of health, full of life, and had an incredible energy and curiosity for everything and everyone around him. If Mattie were alive now, he would be 24 years old. I can't imagine what he would be like, but the one thing I am quite confident about is that Mattie and I would have remained close and he would definitely have been an incredible ally and deeply upset about my divorce.
Quote of the day: While I was writing my book, I want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to Go to Boise, I talked with mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said death gave their lives new meaning and purpose. And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road they had to travel? Their dying child. They pointed their mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their mothers were fighting to reflect. ~ Erma Bombeck
We were surrounded by happy families today. Families with children of all ages, including even a baby. All I could think of is.... aren't you all lucky and I am not sure you even know it!
After Mattie died, Mother's Day was problematic. But now Mother's Day feels like a day of death to me. The one I hoped would be there to always remind me that I was Mattie's mom is gone. Gone and with being gone, it is like Mattie's existence has also been erased. All of this plays games with my mind! Also as a caregiver to my parents for five years now, without even one day break, I miss being married, and sharing life's ups and downs with someone who I knew and trusted, and I most definitely miss having someone in my life who was looking out for me. The only thing Mother's Day reminds me of is loss and more loss.
May 9, 2026
Saturday, May 9, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old. It was Mother's Day and we went out for brunch to one of the restaurants Mattie loved in Maryland. This restaurant has a pond out front with turtles, frogs and fish. All the things that intrigued Mattie. In this particular photo Mattie was showing how much he loved me.... he crossed his hands over his heart. To me this is a priceless photo and as I face yet another Mother's Day without Mattie, I cling to the photos that remind me that yes indeed I was once a mom. To compound the loss, I also do not have my other half to share memories and to wish me a Happy Mother's Day. So in essence I am enduring the death of my son as well as of my other half.
Quote of the day: Life chips away at us all. Some play the victim. Some choose to be a survivor. And then there are those who choose to conquer. ~ Author Unknown
I had my usual routine today, but then at 5pm, I was invited to my neighbor's party. They were throwing a high school graduation for their daughter. That may sound like a nice thing, but social events are very hard for me. As they were setting up for the party today, I could see the activity through my windows. While they were doing something normal and fun, I was dealing with bowel movements and massive clean ups. When I look at my life..... Mattie getting cancer, Mattie dying, facing divorce after a 35 year relationship, and doing intense caregiving, I am VERY cognizant that I am NOT like the average person. I never got to see Mattie go to high school, much less graduate. Therefore going to a party takes great courage on my part.
In addition it is Mother's Day weekend. I have a whole range of emotions over this! On aside, I found out who sent me the flowers yesterday! If you recall, I received a bouquet of flowers and there was no note. Turns out the flowers are from my former in-laws. Remember that they have been a part of my life since I was 19, and though I am not legally a part of their family, I am still considered family, and after all, isn't family BIGGER than just the legal definition?
Back to the party! I took my parents out to lunch today, so that I could get them home, settled, and I could walk over to the party. I met my neighbors at the party and we sat together. These neighbors know all the challenges I face, so that alone put me at ease. The young girl that is graduating is a love. For the past two years, I would see her weekly at Starbucks. She would go there after school and study, and I mean study. I was always impressed with her determination and focus, and whenever she would see me, she would say hello and we would exchange conversation.
Any case, I congratulated her parents today and for some reason while talking to them I started crying. Obviously this young lady isn't my daughter, but I still could feel deeply for how hard she worked to graduate and get into a good college. But I think the crying is much deeper..... as I am crying about the many losses in my life and the fact that I will never have these experiences with Mattie and unlike my neighbors, I am no longer in a long term committed relationship. It is just devastating. But this is telling.... when I have a minute alone, the depths of my losses flood me with emotion.
May 8, 2026
Friday, May 8, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and the notion of childhood cancer was no where on our minds! That afternoon, I served lunch outside on our deck in the city. Mattie absolutely loved outdoor time and as you can see this tender moment was captured in a photo. If I could only turn back the hands of time.
Quote of the day: A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her... ~ Oscar Wilde
It was another busy morning as my dad's nurse came over to evaluate his pressure sores. She has now discharged us from service, but the wounds have not completely healed yet. She gave me the option of continuing him on service or discharging him! I elected for her to discharge him because at this point I know how to manage this myself and I have an arsenal of medications at home! Certainly if the sores get worse, I will need her intervention again!
Treating my dad's sores is an uphill battle. Given that he is incontinent, it is very hard keeping his skin constantly clean! Despite the fact that I shower him daily and change him every two hours. But my mornings are horror shows.... as bowel movements begin in bed, carry over to the shower, and again outside the shower. This isn't a once in a blue moon incident, this is a daily routine!
In my news feed today, was this article, entitled, Quote of the day by Oscar Wilde: 'A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her...' - The unsettling duality of relationships and love explained by the Irish author-poet. Needless to say the title alone caught my attention! Wilde was married at one time, and after the birth of his second child, he began having a relationship with another man. Knowing this, I was even more intrigued with his statement about a man could be happy with any woman.
But being happy with a woman and deeply loving a woman may not necessarily go hand in hand. Which was a point I never really thought about until reading this article! In fact, I think he is 100% correct, and it may easily explain how men can jump from one relationship to the next in search for happiness, or what they think is happiness, but happiness is not necessary rooted in love, commitment, and all the qualities we would think of that makes life and a marriage more meaningful. Happiness may look more stable, it may remove inter-personal pressure, but happiness alone doesn't carry you through the challenges of life and a marriage, because life is filled with heartache, crises, and grief. The only guarantees in life is that challenges will arise.... good luck relying on happiness to carry you through! Happiness will go right out the window, it is hollow, and instead the foundational core values of trust, loyalty, respect, honesty, commitment, and YES LOVE, are the necessities in any lasting relationship.
May 7, 2026
Thursday, May 7, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that day we took him to the DC Aquatic Gardens. This was a place I absolutely LOVED to visit. I wouldn't drive to this location on my own, but once in the park, you wouldn't know you were in the middle of the city. The bird traffic and beautiful lotus flowers will forever be in my mind. Mattie loved the whole adventure. We never got tired of it, because with the season, things changed and evolved, and there was always something to see. Beavers too!
Quote of the day: I want to caution you against the idea that balance has to be a routine that looks the same week in and week out. ~ Kevin Thoman
Though I appreciate tonight's quote, I would have to say there is a lot of comfort and control with routine. Would I love not doing the same thing everyday? Certainly! I can tell you the day of the week just by what I am doing! I am that regulated and regimented. Whenever, something arises that breaks the routine, it makes me stressed out. The human spirit likes spontaneity to some extent, but unfortunately given my caregiving role and being the sole adult on duty in my house.... freedom and flexibility are gone. I could get upset by this, and perhaps I did in the beginning of my journey in 2021. Now I have come to just accept it and frankly if I am able to do the routine, that means NO ONE IS SICK or in the hospital. So for me routine is a good thing.
Just like I have a routine, so does my cat, Indie. She typically sleeps on my bed all night, but then awakes any where between 3-5am and wants me to open the door of my room for her to go out. I let her out and then I go back to sleep. By 6:30am, if I am not up, Indie is throwing her body against my bedroom door. She wants me up and to be fed! This morning, I wasn't moving fast enough for her. Do you want to know what she did? She went downstairs to Mattie's piano, jumped on the keys and was walking up and down the keyboard. I literally was ready to scream! Keep in mind that Indie wasn't bonded with me, she loved my other half. Since my separation, Indie and I have had to find our way in the world and with each other. It is a process for sure as cats are so different from dogs.
Each day I am on pins and needles awaiting the next shoe to drop. As I am trying to go to a mortgage assumption, I feel like I am facing a death sentence. Afraid of next steps, afraid of closing costs, and of course if it were just me, that would be bad enough, but I have two 90-year-olds in tow. Any changes are impossible for them, and I carry that weight with me daily. Today, the pool company let me know that something else is broken! This pool is the bane of my existence and just when I think I have corrected one big problem, others arise. When all these things happen, I get mad that I am facing all of this alone. I got married at age 24 because I I thought I found my other half, the person I thought would be with me always, in good times and bad, in sickness and health... so much for death do us part.
May 6, 2026
Wednesday, May 6, 2026
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this was a typical sighting on our deck! Mattie loved his frog sandbox and he kept all sorts of toys in it! But of course he would brings toys from his room to add to the mix. That day Mattie got out a fishing pool and decided that the top of the sandbox was a boat. He was fishing for toys in his pretend ocean! The beauty of Mattie Brown! I will never forget his energy and love for life.
Quote of the day: Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. ~ A.A. Milne
This morning my friend Ann came to visit. For the most part, I do not see friends, I do not communicate on a regular basis with people, and for all intensive purposes, I feel like I have fallen off the earth. Or let's put it this way.... if I fell off the earth would anyone know?
It was a raining morning, but rain and all, Ann and I went outside and we walked 5 miles together. Keep in mind that I haven't walked outside since the last time Ann visited. Truthfully given my lack of physical exercise, it is remarkable that I could walk all these steps! The route I took today with Ann, was the route Sunny and I used to walk together.
Sunny was my reason for getting out into the world and walking. Sunny lived up to his name. He had an amazingly warm, loving, and sensitive side. But Sunny was also friendly and beautiful! Which is why he made friends where ever he went! As people would stop to admire Sunny, it caused me to converse with people! Sunny was the best medicine and he truly was therapeutic for me after Mattie died. His loss in my life is also huge. I am quite certain that if Sunny were still alive today, I wouldn't have a cholesterol issue!
The beauty of having a dog is despite the weather and time of year.... you are out walking. I am not likely to meet my own needs or to even prioritize them. Others are typically more important to me than myself, but it never dawned on me that with all my Sunny walks, it was also good for my health!
All that said, today's positive was all my initial mortgage assumption paperwork was received. First hurdle done. Now I wait. Just because I applied doesn't mean they will grant me the assumption... the stress over this is enormous. In addition, I kept receiving emails that I did not submit forms and were missing the deadlines. I was having none of that today, so I escalated my issues up to a manager. Indeed, I caught a glitch in their computer system. If I could see all my messages in my sent mailbox, why couldn't they them in their inbox? I spend more time going in circles in this house, and I always ask.... when will it get any easier!? The fear of course is that it NEVER will!
May 5, 2026
Tuesday, May 5, 2025
Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009, at the Mattie March. Team Mattie hosted this event at Mattie's school which pulled our communities together, to support Mattie, and to raise funds to help with Mattie's treatment and care. Pictured with Mattie is Bob, the Magic Man. Bob was Mattie's head of school. Bob learned to art of magic from his father. Bob visited Mattie at the hospital and at our home several times a month to teach Mattie magic. Mattie loved it and was good at it, because it required fine motor skills. These were skills unaffected by his cancer treatment. As Mattie began to socially retreat, magic gave him the ability to connect with his care team and to do something that made him feel good about himself. This particular photo was taken at the magic show that was performed at the Mattie March in 2009. This was one of Mattie's favorite tricks, maybe because it had a funny name that only a 6 year old could appreciate.... "the peanut butter booger trick!" After Mattie died, Bob renamed the trick.... "the Mattie Brown." When Mattie Miracle hosted its in-person awareness Walks, Bob always performed a magic show in Mattie's honor!
Quote of the day: Go within every day and find the inner strength so that the world will not blow your candle out. ~ Katherine Dunham
_1.jpg)
I literally brought a ladder out front and had a very long garden stake in tow. I got up on the ladder and naturally I couldn't reach to the top of the portico. So I reach up with the long garden stake and used it to sweep off the roof. Sure enough, I swept the bird right off. I am saddened to see that this baby bird did not make it, but I believe that all animals go straight to heaven. So I am hoping this bird is living the life it was meant to be up there.
My dad's nurse came back today and we are continuing to monitor my dad's sores. I am absolutely disgusted with Medicare. Medicare doesn't provide an adequate supply of wound care materials. Instead, families are forced to purchase them on their own. Thankfully I can do this for my parents, but what happens to older adults who are unable to manage this process? I know the answer..... they are out of luck! If I relied on Medicare's wound care supply, I would be lucky if I could change my dad's bandages twice a week. Which is ridiculous considering that with my dad's incontinence, some days I have to change the bandages three or more times!
On another note, the Foundation's awareness Walk is May 17th. Please consider checking out my Mattie Moon's fundraising page. Also check out our on-line raffle too! The Walk is a vital fundraising event for us, as it helps us raise funds to support our psychosocial programs and initiatives that assist children with cancer. I thank all my friends and supporters for helping me keep Mattie's memory and legacy alive. I carry this important role alone now, which is why I am so grateful to all of you!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
