Saturday, July 13, 2024

Saturday, July 13, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken on July 20, 2002. Mattie's baptism. Mattie was three months old and we had a private baptism for him with Father Jim. I met Jim at the George Washington University, as he was the head of the Newman Center at the time. Jim is the type of priest you just want to clone. He is bright, compassion, a great listener, and understands human dynamics. Jim gave us pre-cana before we married, he baptized Mattie, offered a prayer at the Mattie March, and then presided over Mattie's funeral. 

Why was Jim holding up one finger? Because after pouring holy water over Mattie's head, instead of crying or getting upset, Mattie smiled and was very happy. Jim was motioning to all of us that in his history of performing baptisms, this was a FIRST for him. Leave it to Mattie! 

Quote of the day: Being heartbroken doesn’t mean you stop feeling. Just the opposite—it means you feel it all more. ~ Julie Johnson

This was one of my favorite wedding photos. Mainly because our photographer caught an unposed moment. A moment of joy and happiness. I think friends and family who have known us over the course of our years together are as equally shocked by what is happening now. Peter and I had a very special love, bond, and connection. As I tell him even now (though it is a one way communication)..... what God created can not be divided. That is how I feel, regardless of what the law tells me regarding my marital status. We found one another at the age of 19, dated for 7 years prior to getting married, and we survived the impossible together. 

My dad's physical therapist came over today. Actually my dad works with three different therapists. The one who came over this morning is my favorite. Mainly because she worked with my mom in the hospital for almost a year of outpatient therapy. She is great at what she does and like me, she is fascinated by human dynamics. Before she started with my dad today, she took the time (a rarity) to find out how I am doing. I thought that was so, so caring and compassionate of her. Any one who is around the three of us for any length of time, has an appreciation for what I juggle 24 hours a day. 

Typically I cook dinner at home on Saturdays, but my mom suggested we go out to give me a break. Literally I am always moving, cooking, cleaning, and caregiving. So thanks to the generosity of one of my close friends, who gives me Cheesecake Factory gift certificates, I took my parents out today. Tammy is our server at the Cheesecake Factory and when she sees our gift certificates, she always says to me.... you have the best friends! Indeed. That I can't deny. 

Highlights from my garden! This purplish plant is a butterfly bush! It absolutely attracts wonderful flutter bys!

Peter planted several rose gardens for me. This area is one of them. I am diligently outside everyday nurturing the garden. 

These two brown flower pots are tributes to Mattie. What that means is before we moved out of the city, we planted several acorns in these pots. Where we lived in the city, we had ONE oak near our townhouse. This oak was crucial to us each spring as it supplied leaves to Mattie's tent moth caterpillars. We quickly learned that they ate no other leaves than from an oak. So before we moved, we grabbed some acorns, planted them, and these saplings will always be reminders of Mattie's love of oak trees, acorns, and tent moth caterpillars. 

In the blue pot is a lavender plant that Peter gave me for Mother's day. Seems appropriate that it sits between Mattie's saplings. 

My tribute to Sunny! This is a sunny hibiscus. Though I love the plant, I rather have the pup. 

My mother in law gave me this flower pot years ago. It belonged to her. This year I planted a primrose in it. What I love about the primrose is it is a succulent. The flowers open during daylight and close at night. 

Peter bought this lovely barrel when we moved into the house. He started the tradition of planting basil in it each spring. I know it is hard to believe, but I use basil from this plant daily! It is one of the highlights of the summer... fresh herbs in many of my dishes. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. The kindness and generosity of my friends. 
2. Friends who remind me I am loved. It is hard to feel love, when the one person in my life who I counted on to provide it to me for the last 36 years, has disappeared. It does a number of your mind, heart, and spirit.
3. Not having a backache today!

Friday, July 12, 2024

Friday, July 12, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was his first trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. I am a big lighthouse fan and though Mattie was a little guy, I thought it was never too early to start introducing these magnificent structures to him. That day, we went to Bodie Light! It is a moment in time, I will never forget. Life seemed much more innocent then when childhood cancer wasn't part of my lexicon and I had such great hopes for the future with my son and husband. 

Quote of the day: You're going to wake up one day and realize what you've done, and you're going to regret the time you wasted apart from her for the rest of your life. ~ Jamie McGuire

I received this beautiful photo in my in-box today. You know those computer generated photos of memories that we all get! In the past, I would have loved this reminder and paused to reflect on my wedding day, July 15, 1995. Today, the photo cut me like a knife. 

Peter and I were married in New York, and the officiant of our wedding was the monsignor of the church I attended and was confirmed at as a young teen. We had a magical wedding and by the end of the evening, it was so hot, that we could see heat lightning. We viewed that as nature's own fireworks for our union. 

How on earth did I go from that to this??? I HAVE NO ANSWERS. NONE!

Given that above photo, I was deeply touched to get this card of support from my cousin Maureen. I wish she lived closer, as we have a mutual understanding and respect for one another. 

The doorbell rang today and I received a flower delivery. I have to tell you when I first saw the flowers, you know what I thought??? Of course you do!!! I thought they were from Peter, for our upcoming 29th anniversary. I know, I am delusional, as my brain can't seem to process that he doesn't love me anymore. 

I am very grateful to my friend Jen for these beautiful flowers and for reminding me I am loved. 

I woke up this morning with this image sent to me by my friend Phyllis. It is perfect, exactly how I feel. I am done with being tested and jumping through life's hurdles.  

Last night, a faithful blog reader left me a comment. I have never met Esther, we only know one another through my writings. Which is remarkable in and of itself. I am so honored that so many people have gotten to know my Mattie through this blog. If I do not accomplish anything else in life, then I know one of my main missions has been achieved. One of the things Esther said is.........

You are mighty and exemplary, look at how you have lived your life, loving and honoring your son every single day since he was born and after he left this realm, and not only you have honored him, but you have helped others in the process through your Foundation, for goodness sake! 

I am absorbing Esther's words, my cousin Maureen's words, and Jen's words today. When you lose the love of your life without warning, it does a number on your mind, heart, and spirit. Thank you all for reminding me that you see who I am, you understand my character, integrity, and unwavering commitment to those I love. THIS IS A GIFT!

Four things I am grateful for:

1. My cousin Maureen's card and support.
2. Jen's note and flowers.
3. Esther, who I never met, but value her thoughtful support.
4. Phyllis, for starting my day off with a chuckle!

Thursday, July 11, 2024

Thursday, July 11, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and truly starting to toddle. Mattie was a late walker, but once he decided to walk, there was no stopping him. This was our first family trip to the beach. We didn't spend much time by the water or on the sand, as both scared Mattie. I am thankful we had this wonderful porch, which came with a garden hose. Mattie loved playing with the hose and washing down everything. Though I wanted him to love the shore as much as I do, I went with what he wanted to do! The beauty of Mattie Brown. 

Quote of the day: And perhaps there is a limit to the grieving that the human heart can do. As when one adds salt to a tumbler of water, there comes a point where simply no more will be absorbed. ~ Sarah Waters

I love tonight's quote! There does come a point where SIMPLY NO MORE WILL BE ABSORBED! I couldn't have said it better. I am tired of commentary I hear that this will make me stronger, I will gain insights to help others, and whatever other trite statement you can think of. You can keep piling on the grief and the trauma, but it just has no where to go. NO WHERE, because I am on overload.  

I had friends come over to visit today. They enjoyed the pool and we had lunch together. I was pulled in several directions, as my car was being serviced, I was receiving communications from my lawyer, and with so many balls in the air, it was hard for me to pause. I do admit that pausing right now produces more angst than peace and rest. Because in free moments, the true reality of my loss overtakes me. I don't get sad or upset. I frankly am too confused over what has happened to be able to feel anything right now. The analogy of what is happening to me is like this..... for the last 35 years of my relationship with Peter, I saw and experienced the world in a certain way. For example, we all can agree on some givens in life.... such as we all speak English, the sky is up, and the ground is down. However, ten months ago when Peter left me, now see that the world around me is completely different. All the givens I thought I knew and that guided my life are no longer true. Instead, the world around me is figuratively speaking a different language and I am learning for the first time that the sky is not really up but instead it's down. Which leads me to question.... how didn't I know this? All of this is earth shattering because my whole foundation that grounds my existence has imploded, shattered, and it is hard to know how to function, much less recover. 

There are times when literally I see no way forward. Nothing interests me, I find there is nothing to look forward to, and of course these moments of intense despair can be all consuming and scary. When I feel this overwhelming angst, I get up and go outside. This is when I pick up sticks, branches, fallen tree limbs, and pull weeds. It is my way to work out these incredible feelings and fears.  

We got my mom to put her feet in the pool today and she liked it!

My friend Ann and her cousin, JP. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Having wonderful friends
2. My garden
3. I received this hysterical Twitter clip tonight. I am sharing it with you in hopes that you find it as funny as I do:

https://twitter.com/Scottcrates/status/1811151492130427161

Wednesday, July 10, 2024

Wednesday, July 10, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie was two years old. This was his second trip to the Outer Banks. That day, despite the heat, we decided to climb up a large sand dune, Jockey's Ridge. It was the first and last time I ever did this, but Mattie enjoyed the adventure. He was all in and was leading the way. Oh the adventures I had thanks to Mattie Brown!

Quote of the day: Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. ~ Mark Twain

Tonight I am in no mood to write. That should give you some idea for how I am doing. Friends are sending me Amazon Wish List Items for my birthday. The highlight of my day is that I received a box of items from a faithful blog reader named, Esther. Esther (a fellow caregiver and her niece died from childhood cancer) and I have never met, yet I am deeply grateful she follows my journey. In Esther's message to me today, she said....

May you find new reasons to smile every day as you continue to honor Mattie's memory. You are a beautiful woman and a beautiful soul and many of us admire and support you from afar. 

Tonight I will let Esther's message get absorbed in my mind and heart. I have to tell you that her meaningful words touched my heart. After all, we never met, and yet through my blog writings and the work that I do with the Foundation, Esther has gotten to know me and my Mattie. How special of Esther to send these gifts for our Carts and to express how I have touched her life. Some days for me are quite dark, which is why Esther's message was like a ray of sunshine today. THANK YOU!

Tuesday, July 9, 2024

Tuesday, July 9, 2024 -- Mattie died 771 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003..... our first family trip to the beach. Mattie was a year old and the whole surf and sand experience was totally overwhelming to him. As you can see, Mattie did not take his eyes off the water for a minute. To him it was frightening and therefore, this was our first and last visit to the beach during that week long trip. I am glad I did not push it and followed Mattie's cues, because by the next summer, it was a complete 180! Mattie loved it! With Mattie, I learned early on that I had to follow his lead and time line. 

Quote of the day: I love you, but I hate you. I miss you, but I’m better off without you. I want you out of my life, but I never want to let you go. ~ Minhal Mehdi

I woke up this morning to this wonderful photo in my inbox. My friend Susan sent this to me. She was part of Team Mattie and she knows the significance of Legos and Sunflowers to me. But wow, Lego sunflowers!!! To me this is the perfect reminder of my Mattie and the love of Team Mattie. Sunflowers will always symbolize support, community, and compassion. Why? Because during Mattie's cancer journey, I received many, many sunflowers from Team Mattie. The sunflower's happy face, will always remind me of my incredible son and the amazing community rallying behind us for 14 months. Well actually the core team STILL rallies, now 15 years later. They are the gifts Mattie left behind for me. 

Today was another day of firsts. I had to call AT&T to learn about cell phone upgrades. Technology is not my bailiwick, therefore I tread much slower on making such decisions. Yet all of our phones are old. The AT&T rep was lovely and very patient, and now I have more information. My next step, which I am not ready for, is to go into the store. Again, this was something I always relied on Peter for, and now I realize he doesn't want to talk with me or help me in any manner. I have gone from the love of his life to his sworn enemy in a year's time. 

The next lesson I learned today was that olive oil is NOT just for cooking! Do you know it removes caked on tree sap from the paint of a car?! I am becoming the jack of all trades. Midday I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. Before I get my dad into the car, I always make sure he uses the bathroom first. But truthfully I never get a break. While having yogurt, I received an email from my lawyer. I was expecting her message, nor was I expecting the message she delivered to me. My world has been crushed and while reading this very sensitive message, and my heart was breaking, my dad was panting and had to run to the bathroom. My mom can't take him nor will he go with her. I was so frustrated in that moment, because I can't even have a minute to process a thought or feeling, because I am always pulled in different directions. I remind myself that it is Peter who wanted me to move my parents in with us. Yet he is gone, and I am managing both of them 24/7 ALONE. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Julian, the kind AT&T rep.
2. The swelling from the bee sting on my eye lid has significantly reduced today.
3. My neighbor's dog coming over to say hi to me today while I was out watering. Sophie and Sunny used to be good buddies. 

Monday, July 8, 2024

Monday, July 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2004. Mattie two years old. This was his second summer vacation in the Outer Banks. Amazing the difference a year made, because the previous year Mattie was frightened of the surf and hated the feeling of sand on his feet. But a year later, look at him! He was in his element. Exploring, building, and creating! I will never forget this moment in time and how I mistakenly thought that we would have many more years together at the beach! I can't tell you what I would do to have one more year with my family intact!

Quote of the day: I gave you the best of me. ~ Nicholas Sparks

It was a busy day of dealing with one task after the other. I have to get the car serviced this week. Not one of my favorite chores. I also had to get extended car warranties done, and that is another thing I took on and did. Honestly, I am so far out of my comfort zone this year that I can't even tell you. 

I met with our gardening company today because some of our grass is turning brown. I am getting an education on grass and how brown grass can mean multiple things, like fungus killing the grass! The problem with owning a house is things constantly need maintenance. I have a gas fireplace that doesn't work, a portico falling apart, side steps decaying and the list goes on. I am trying to address each and every one of these issues over time and when I can, and today I made connections with people who maybe able to help me. 

I took my mom to Starbuck's this afternoon and while there, I read a few pages from this book on ambiguous grief that I am trying to get through. Here's what I do not like about self help books. I guess by nature they have to be positive and prescriptive. The problem with this is when depressed, anxious, and dealing with great despair, this Pollyanna attitude it truly hard to stomach. To me it is a complete turn off. I have no idea why self help books can't just be honest! HONESTY!!! That when going through hell, there will be bad days, bad nights, and this will continue on for some time. That this is NORMAL and that in YOUR own time, you will find a way forward. I think instilling hope is possible, while also addressing the actual pain and reality.  

In the chapter I was reading, the author asked questions about trying to reimagine a future, such as:

1. What do I see myself doing?
2. With whom do I want to spend time?
3. How do I express my soul self? 

The questions lost me! What do I see myself doing? The answer is I have NO bloody IDEA, other than my daily tasks, and I can't imagine what else comes next. Accepting what comes next means that I have to explore and accept life without Peter. At which point, the book got put aside. 

I came across this photo on my doorbell camera today. It was taken days before Sunny died. By that point, the only way I could take Sunny outside, was through the front yard, as there was only one step (versus multiple steps into the backyard), and I had to carry him over the step with his PT harness. I can't believe this was in January, and this week marks Sunny's six month anniversary of his death.

My birthday is in July. Not my favorite celebration, as I tie my birthday to Mattie's cancer diagnosis. Now with Peter gone, my birthday seems inconsequential. However, friends are looking to support me and therefore, I always accept items that help Mattie Miracle. Below are links to our Candy/Snack and Toiletry Wish Lists. All of these items help to stock our Snack and Item Carts at local hospitals, which offer free candy, snacks, drinks, and toiletries to families caring for children with cancer or other life threatening illnesses. The first gift came in the mail today with this note! I found it very touching. 

Mattie Miracle Wish Lists............................

Candy & Snacks

Toiletries

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Children in my neighborhood saying hello to me today!
2. Friends who believe in Mattie Miracle's mission and work!
3. Ice and Benadryl. While working in the garden last evening, some bug stung my eye lid. My whole eye is swollen. It doesn't itch, just red and swollen. If something is going to happen, it will happen to me. 

Sunday, July 7, 2024

Sunday, July 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and we went to the Outer Banks of North Carolina for a week that summer. By that point, Mattie was acclimated to surf and sand. Mattie grew to love it! A night and day difference from his first trip to the beach in 2003. What I love about this photo was Mattie's expression. Mattie spent a good portion of the hours that he was awake glued to me, studying my reactions and expressions, and in many ways, though we were different genders, we were one in the same. We were aligned on reading people and had similar temperaments and emotions. 

Quote of the day: The whole world can become the enemy when you lose what you love. ~ Kristina McMorris

Indie is now taking to sitting on jackets and clean laundry! She is sitting on my dad's jacket, which is a battery powered heated jacket. YES my parents both wear heated jackets in the summer time, to manage air conditioning. Indie clearly likes the heat too!

I received a comment on the blog yesterday letting me know that rubrum lilies are toxic to cats. I appreciate the concern for my Indie. I am fortunate that Indie is not interested in flowers or plants for the most part. She is only interested in grasses. But I love that my readers are looking out for me because you are right, I DO NOT need one more tragic loss. 

Each Sunday, I take my parents out to brunch. As I was driving, I could hear my dad panting. I thought he was having trouble breathing. I was driving on a highway, so I literally said to him.... are you having trouble breathing? The answer was no, so I quickly looked over at him. I knew the signs immediately! He was having an IBS attack. Of course, there was nothing I could do, as I was driving and unable to get to a bathroom in time. 

When I got to the restaurant, I literally pulled the car over, turned on the hazard lights, and got my parents out. I immediately took my dad to the bathroom. I had a huge clean up job, which included changing his pants and socks. Thank goodness, I have a bag of all sorts of products and items in tow! I carry my own gloves, garbage bags, wipes, tissues, change of clothing, puzzle books, pencils, napkins, and straws. Literally I am NOT kidding, I have become Mary Poppins. The only thing is I can't make things magically happen!

For the past month, my dad has refused to eat almost everything on the brunch menu. So today, I asked the chef if he would make my dad shrimp scampi with rice. It is not on the menu, but I knew they had the ingredients. My dad is a big shrimp fan. I am happy to say that this new dish worked! He ate the whole thing. 

I received a comment on the blog two nights ago asking if there were warning signs with Peter that could have prepared me for his abandonment. In addition, the commentor wanted to know if I had advice for others on how to protect themselves from this happening. 

Here was my response and I am hoping one day, I can provide those in my life with greater context, because I assure you, you are missing the full picture.............................................

Excellent question! Some day I will be able to discuss the complexities of my issue in greater detail. Right now, you are missing many key components. But what I can tell you is that NO there were no warning signs (other than the factor I am not telling you about). Peter and I have known each other since we were 19 years old. We survived the death of Mattie and we were each other's world. Which is why this is so devastating, because we had a once in a lifetime kind of love.

When you are with someone for 35 years, you have the utmost trust and respect for them. With age, we all have ups and downs, and therefore, any changes I may have observed were explainable up until 2023. It is heart breaking to have no communication, to be shut out of Peter's life, and to be a total stranger to him.

The only advice I would have for couples is to FOLLOW your GUT instinct. You know your spouse better than anyone else. If something is off, pursue it, question it, try to discuss it, and if that doesn't work, follow your heart. I believe in time the TRUTH always reveals itself, and with the truth, solutions present themselves.