Saturday, January 18, 2025

Saturday, January 18, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old and attending his preschool. That day, I brought in two homemade gingerbread houses (and candy) for the children to decorate. Mind you I never made a gingerbread house in my life. But when I asked Mattie's teacher what winter activity was she wanted me to do with the children, she suggested gingerbread houses. That was a steep learning curve for me, because I had to look up recipes for gingerbread, how to cut out the pieces for the house, and also how to make royal icing. I am so glad I figured this out, because all the preschool classes participated that day! I remember one child was thrilled to learn that she could eat the royal icing, that it wasn't GLUE! It was a day to remember! 

Quote of the day: Once a new technology rolls over you, if you’re not part of the steamroller, you’re part of the road. ~ Stewart Brand

My goal today was to do some updates on Mattie Miracle's website. However, what I have learned with technology, is that NOTHING is easy. What should have been a task that took me a few minutes, landed up taking me hours. When I logged on, I learned that our Instagram feed wasn't working. As I tried to re-establish connection, I ran into problems. Truthfully, I was ready to fling the computer out of the window. Because once you run into technology problems, you know what the infamous question will be.... what is your password? 

To make any changes to accounts, you need logins and passwords. I don't know about you, but my life is one big confusion of letters, numbers, and symbols! GOODNESS gracious!!! This is such a systemic problem that the term "password anxiety" has been coined. Did you know that?

Well Last Pass did a survey, and here is what they found:

• The average American has been locked out of 10 online accounts in the past month alone, according to new research.
• The survey of 2,005 Americans found this issue doesn’t appear to be going anywhere, as 63% of respondents surveyed said this is a recurring problem for them.
• Memorizing passwords is so difficult that two in three respondents (65%) said they will forget it unless they write it down somewhere.
• In fact, more than half of respondents said they have to execute at least five password resets each month on average, spending at least 10 minutes each time doing so.
• But that won’t solve anything permanently, as 57% said they will forget their new password immediately upon resetting it.
• "Password anxiety” is a real phenomenon, as 64% of people say they will avoid visiting certain websites or accounts where they’ve forgotten their password.
• Accounts people avoid most often if they’ve forgotten the log-in credentials were found to be their personal email (38%), their bank account (35%) and their utility bills account (35%).
• Sixty-five percent of people say they experience a moment of panic when they realize their computer or mobile device doesn’t have a password stored for a website they want to log into.
• Interestingly, 57% said that if they ever lost their phone, they’d be locked out of most of their accounts.

Can you relate to these bullet points? I know I can! I do use an encrypted password manager, but I for one really do not like relying on another device to access important data. But who has a choice? Now that I am managing everything on my own, I am trying to become organized. This is going to take me time, because between personal and Foundation accounts there is a lot to track! But I know for one thing, technology issues cause me great anxiety. Just having to sit down and deal with issues that arise, I can feel my heart skipping a beat. But I pushed through that feeling, because I had to resolve this problem for Mattie Miracle, and I did! 

Switching gears, we are expecting more snow tomorrow. I took my parents out to lunch today, and I felt like everyone was bracing for tomorrow, and therefore, people were out and about today! Every Saturday, I take my parents to our local diner. Everyone knows us in there. Thankfully! My dad's physical decline is very noticeable now, not just by me, but his physical therapist commented on it during today's session. Because of this decline, I can no longer park the car and have my dad walk anywhere. Instead, I have to drive up to the entrance of restaurants, lay by, help each parent out of the car, walk them in, and either get them seated, or find them seats to wait. Then I go out and park the car. In any case, the diner staff are God sends, because they streamlined us right to a booth. I never overlook acts of kindness. They mean so much to me, as I juggle the care of my parents. What I find fascinating is wherever I take my parents, people have gotten to know us. Servers, general managers, and managers typically come up to greet, hug, and chat with me. In fact, today alone, I got a text message from the manager of our local Sweet Frog wishing me a happy New Year and she wanted me to know that I am a blessing. 

Why do I mention this? I mention it because in the world of computers, technology, logins, and passwords, what means the most at the end of the day? HUMAN connections. No matter how busy I am, or what I am juggling, making connections with people is still what drives, motivates, and keeps me going. When I wonder if the Vicki I always knew still exists, the answer is yes and no. But I guess core values do not change, they are not altered, no matter what grief and traumas we face. In a world where we hear countless stories of negativity, and we absorb it daily, meeting and experiencing the kindness of others around me, instills hope in humanity. 

Friday, January 17, 2025

Friday, January 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Who took the photo? MATTIE! When I tell you that his hospital room was the size of a postage stamp, I am not kidding! Yet look how many of us were in his room. These women were Mattie's core psychosocial team, comprised of art therapists (Jenny and Jessie), a child life specialist (Linda), and a physical therapist (Anna). These are amazing women and they made the impossible, more bearable! I can't tell you the antics they would generate to keep Mattie's body, mind, and spirit engaged and moving. I will never forget any of them and I have a feeling Mattie snapped this photo because these women all meant the world to him too. 

Quote of the day: Do something that will last and be beautiful. It doesn't have to be a bridge-or a symphony or book or a business. It could be the look in the eye of a child you raise or a simple garden you tend. Do something that will last and be beautiful. ~ Ken Burns

I was chatting back and forth with a good friend of mine and she asked....is it possible to die of a broken heart? We all have heard this expression before, and I know when I was growing up, my grandmother would say it often. If someone died an untimely death, because of stress, loss, or illness, she would literally say to me.... he died of a broken heart. As a child, I tried to picture what that actually meant. Literally did it mean someone's heart exploded within their body or did the heart break like a glass hitting the floor?  

As I got older, I thought.... my grandmother is exaggerating! Afterall, who dies of a broken heart?! Well the short answer is it is RARE to die of broken heart syndrome, but with that said, such a condition exists and it can cause symptoms like chest pain and shortness of breath. 

Did you know that Broken Heart Syndrome is also called Takotsubo (a Japanese word that means a pot used to catch octopuses) cardiomyopathy?

Broken heart syndrome is a heart condition that's often brought on by stressful situations and extreme emotions. The condition also can be triggered by a serious physical illness or surgery. 

Broken heart syndrome is usually temporary. But some people may continue to feel unwell after the heart is healed. People with broken heart syndrome may have sudden chest pain or think they're having a heart attack. A heart attack is generally caused by a complete or near-complete blockage of a heart artery. In broken heart syndrome, the heart arteries are not blocked. But blood flow in the arteries of the heart may be reduced.

The exact cause of broken heart syndrome is unclear. It's thought that a surge of stress hormones, such as adrenaline, might damage the hearts of some people for a short time. A temporary squeezing of the large or small arteries of the heart may play a role in the development of broken heart syndrome. People who have broken heart syndrome may also have a change in the structure of the heart muscle.

Taking steps to manage emotional stress can improve heart health and may help prevent broken heart syndrome. Some ways to reduce and manage stress include: getting more exercise, practicing mindfulness, connecting with others in support groups. So what's the point of this whole discussion? 

Well I think there are times in one's life, that we are all challenged and pushed to the brink. When Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, I will never forget that feeling of pure panic. It was coursing through my body and for over a month, I was unable to sleep and process information well. Of course I had to pull it together, because Mattie needed me. Not just for a hour a day, but 24/7, making life threatening decisions and living on the edge in a pediatric intensive care unit. The body is a fascinating vessel, because while under toxic levels of stress, the body flips a switch. The body can tap into reserves you never knew you had. During Mattie's cancer journey, for the most part I did not get sick. I functioned almost like a robot, living off of 2-3 hours a sleep a night for 14 months straight. Once Mattie died, that is when things started falling apart. I was sick for what seemed like years. My health was significantly compromised. 

In fact, soon after Mattie died, I thought I was having numerous heart attacks. I saw a cardiologist and had to wear a heart monitor for a week. Truthfully back then, heart monitors were big and cumbersome and you had to push a button any time you felt a symptom. All I know is I got so worked up over this machine and the process, that after three days, I ripped it off. I literally thought I was going to die, as my heart was constantly racing and I was feeling so ill. No I did not have broken heart syndrome, instead I had my first experience with panic attacks. My point to this is under great stress the body can behave for a period of time, until it doesn't. 

Though my circumstances now are quite different from Mattie's battle with cancer, there are overlaps. Caregiving is a challenging endeavor, in which you are looking out for the well-being of others, in many case without regard for your own. For three years, I have been caring for my parents around the clock without a break. For the most part, I have remained healthy. But that is because my body is in overdrive, as I rarely sit still. However, I know that years of caregiving will eventually take its toll on my body, not to mention on my mind and spirit. 

On any given day now, my heart feels like it is broken. I am saddened about so many things in my life. But what am I going to do about it? The short answer is.... I don't know. But I know I have to figure something out, even if that means taking short walks. I miss being outside in nature, walking Sunny, and taking in more peaceful sights. I haven't walked our neighborhood since Sunny died. When he died, the spark I had for walking was extinguished. So as you can probably see, my heart is breaking, but not over just one thing, try many, many things. When your heart is breaking it is hard to come up with any ideas or have the motivation to even care! Last night, my therapist said something like.... I want you to eventually find a way forward to have peace and happiness. I literally laughed at that whole notion. As I told her I haven't had peace and happiness for YEARS, so trying to find it now is pointless. 

How do I possibly describe such intense heartache to someone who hasn't followed and been a part of my journey LIKE ALL OF YOU? The answer, like so many of my other answers is..... I just don't know! 

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Thursday, January 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That day, after visiting the zoo, we stopped at a McDonald's drive thru, so Mattie could get his French fries and a vanilla shake. He was the ultimate back seat driver and when I wasn't driving, he loved having me sit in the back seat with him. 

Quote of the day: See the world through the eyes of your inner child. The eyes that sparkle in awe and amazement as they see love, magic and mystery in the most ordinary things. ~ Henna Sohail 

This evening I was driving in the car by myself and the Kane Brown song, Backseat Driver, came on the radio. I am sure I must have heard this song countless times before, but tonight, I actually listened to the lyrics. All I can say is wow! It captures the beauty of looking through life from a child's eyes. If you haven't heard this song, click on the image below!

The beauty of the song is it illustrates how adults and children view the world so differently. As adults we are so literal, we are also jaded by hurt and past experiences. We want to get from point A to point B and we see the problems, issues, and negativity in life. The song points this out, when the adult driving the car with his daughter in tow, observes a woman yelling at her phone on the highway and speeds by him with her middle finger in the air. Naturally we as adults can relate to this incident, but the child in the car reacts a bit differently! Sure she observed the woman's behavior and gesture and asks her dad about it, but seconds later, before he can give a response to her, she jumps to what else she is observing at the same time while in the back seat. Such things as............ "Do squirrels have houses in the trees and Why'd God put stingers on honeybees?"

This song captures the innocence, magic, and awe that lies within most young children. Children share this joy of life with us each day, and really when you hear these observations about squirrels or honeybees, how can you remain mad about the woman driving and waving her middle finger? It isn't like you forget what happened, but children help us tamper down the negativity. They enable us to see parts of the world that we glaze over, take for granted, or that get blurred into the background. But trees, nature, birds, clouds, and the sun for example shouldn't be taken for granted. 

As we age, life can harden us. Tonight's song reminded me of the countless times I had Mattie as my backseat driver. His mind going a mile a minute and me trying to drive and keep up with his questions and reflections. These are moments I will never forget and hearing this song tonight reminded me that when life gets me down, PAUSE, and think about Mattie as my backseat driver and the beauty that he always observed that should never be ignored or allowed to be drowned out by the negativity.  

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Wednesday, January 15, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old. He was my shadow. If I was somewhere, so was he! You heard of Mommy's little helper..... well that was Mattie. However, Mattie had his own plan on how to do things, so together we found our way. From an early age, Mattie was the kind of kid who wanted to "talk about it!" That was one of his favorite things to say. Parenting Mattie was about logic, reasoning, patience, rationalization, and options. 

Quote of the day: Every day is a chance to create a memory and to love a little more. ~ Jessi Hooks

It has been a hard week for us. Several loved ones have been hospitalized this for various issues. In fact, one of the issues is cancer. It is always hard to hear someone you know and love has been diagnosed with this disease. Truthfully as family and friends of someone diagnosed, you want to say something that is helpful, that shows support, and can instill hope. There are countless articles on the Internet about what to say if someone is diagnosed with cancer. You may find lists of what to say and what NOT to say. You may even find articles that list the worst and best ways to support someone through a cancer diagnosis. But, here's the problem with LISTS! Those of you who have been reading Mattie's blog for years are probably already shouting it, saying..... yep we know what you are going to say.... we know you HATE lists. Don't give me a how-to or a list. Certainly these things are helpful when making big, not life threatening, decisions, but helping someone face and cope with a cancer diagnosis, is quite different. 

Each person is unique and what works for one person, may not work for another. For example, at the top of these lists on what to say to a person diagnosed with cancer is.... "what can I do for you?" REALLY???? That is an open ended and loaded question. When you are facing a medical crisis, you may not know what you need and therefore such an open ended question is bound to produce the answer..... I DON'T KNOW! My second favorite question, and I am being facetious, is "how are you?" What on earth!???? To me this is another loaded question and if you are going to ask it, you should be prepared for all sorts of responses. Most of which won't be pleasant. 

Another no-no to me, is talking about your own experiences. Cancer is an equal opportunity disease, therefore we all know someone who has been diagnosed. But does your experience with someone else, actually help the person in front of you facing cancer? The answer is no! When someone tells me about their diagnosis, that is what I try to focus on. Sure I have plenty of experience with Mattie's journey, and I think Mattie's journey has enabled me to understand that the BEST way to support someone with a cancer diagnosis is to follow their lead. Be observant, truly listen, and most of all, keep coming back and being present. That is the gift. Your presence, your time, and willingness to be uncomfortable. Trust me, you won't find these things on any how-to list. But at the end of the day, supporting someone with cancer is not about lists. It is not about checking boxes, it is about meeting the person where they are at any given time. I say meeting a person where they are at, because a cancer journey is bumpy.  Emotional supports that work one day, may not work the next. 

When Mattie was first diagnosed with cancer, many of his classmates and friends visited the hospital. Families wanted to show their support and because Mattie wasn't bald or wheelchair bound at that point, he welcomed his friends. Early on, Mattie viewed himself like any other kid! But that outlook changed rapidly. 

As Mattie started losing his hair, feeling sicker, and unable to walk, this desire to interface with friends declined rapidly. Mattie preferred being isolated and silent and therefore providing him social support looked different. It may have been more one on one activities such as fine motor activities that he could do sitting next to a friend. Or it may have looked like sitting and watching a movie in silence. The point is social and emotional connections are needed at every stage of a cancer
diagnosis, but as caregivers and friends, we have to be fluid and flexible in how we provide that support. Don't get wrapped up in doing the right or wrong thing! Because trust me, even if well intentioned, there will be screw ups! But don't let a faux pas stop you from being present. You just pick up again and find a new way forward. As I learned with Mattie, support doesn't even mean being physically present, it could be virtual. My love for my cell phone and text messaging, started during Mattie's cancer journey. It became my favorite mode of communication and way to seek support. It is so ingrained in me that even today, my phone comes with me everywhere!   

Visiting Mattie in the hospital wasn't for every child! For most children, visiting a PICU is intimidating! The lights are bright, kids maybe screaming, families maybe upset in the hallways, and there are all sorts of scary noises. Yet a handful of Mattie's friends kept coming back and visiting. No matter how scary things appeared. It was in observing these young children and their ability to accept Mattie for where he was at, that I learned the art of cancer care. Providing emotional support is about being HUMAN, and there is no better way of learning this than by seeing it through the eyes of a child. Did Mattie's friends understand he was ill? Absolutely, but the beauty of being a child is that they also viewed Mattie as Mattie. A fellow kid and a friend. At the end of the day, no matter how sick we are, we want to be defined by our thoughts and feelings and not our disease. 

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Tuesday, January 14, 2025 -- Mattie died 797 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2005. Mattie was two and half years old and why I snapped this photo, was because he loved bath time. He went from a kid who was frightened of water to a child who couldn't wait to take a bath. Now I am not sure Mattie liked the actual bathing as must as playing in the water. Toys of all kinds would be incorporated into his bath time fun, and when I tell you that Mattie would stay in there for hours, if I let him, I am not kidding! Got to love that smile and spirit. 

Quote of the day: Our pictures are our footprints. It’s the best way to tell people we were here. ~ Joe McNally

It is 11pm, and I am finally sitting still to write this blog. I took my parents to the city today for their dentist appointments. Because parking is hard in the city, and my dad's mobility is failing, I brought along Mattie's wheelchair with me. Isn't it amazing that Mattie died in 2009, and his portable wheelchair was one of the things I kept. There was something about this chair that made it impossible to give away. Now the same wheelchair I pushed around is being used once again, but by my dad. Though my dad was in the chair today, I felt that Mattie was with me in his own way. His presence was felt.

Thank goodness I brought the wheelchair today, because my dad could have never made the long walk from the car to the office. My parents see two different hygienists, so that their appointments are in tandem.  My mom works with my hygienist and my dad works with another amazing woman. For my dad's appointment, I am always in the room with him, as he can't answer questions for himself and since I brush and care for my dad's teeth, I need to be part of the conversation. 

I have been going to this dental practice since I was in my twenties! My dad's hygienist has been affiliated with the office for as long as I have been going there. We swapped stories and had a great old time chatting. When my dentist walked in to examine my dad, he shook my hand and said...... that he has told his wife about me. That he is amazed with how well I care for my parents and he told his wife, that he hopes one of his daughters turns out to be just like me. I was so taken aback about his beautiful and kind comment, and then the hygienist chimed in. She said she is impressed with how my dad is always so clean, neat, his clothes are well cared for, and that my dad seems so happy. 

When I have moments when I question why am I alive and what is God's plan, I get comments like this that remind me the importance of providing care for my parents. Caregiving is not a glorious job, it is misunderstood, under appreciated, and undervalued in our society. After all, it is mainly done in isolation, you have no staff, you aren't getting paid, and there are no sick days or time off for vacations. I can definitely understand that caregiving is not for everyone, and I can appreciate that choice. 

What I do find fascinating is while I perform my daily tasks, I am always amazed at who is observing what I am doing. I may not even realize it, until like today, with my dentist, someone says something to me. I certainly don't do the things I do for the praise, but I have to say, some days I am just tired, some days I am just down, and what I have found is words of kindness that we receive from others can turn the mood of a day around. 

Monday, January 13, 2025

Monday, January 13, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old. He absolutely loved his walker, which we referred to as "tot wheels." What Mattie loved was the independence to zoom around on his own, and you would be amazed how he would follow me around our townhouse in this huge thing. He turned tight corners and maneuvered like a pro! This maybe one of my favorite photos. Peter took the photo, but who was Mattie looking at? ME! There was a photographer on Facebook who was so enamored with this photo, that Tim blew it up one day and showed me that indeed my reflection can be seen shinning off of Mattie's eyes. 

Quote of the day: What matters in life is not what happens to you but what you remember and how you remember it. ~ Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I can't tell you how many self care lists have come across my desk over the last year and a half. Self care is one of those topics that truly sounds almost ridiculous if you are a family caregiver. There is no time for self, much less care. But recently I have seen some very simplistic lists of self care, that are far more manageable and obtainable for me. Such things as sleeping an extra hour, sitting still for 10 minutes and looking outside at nature, or even things that are mentally stimulating, like taking a course. 

Despite the clown show I juggle on any given day, I did complete my continuing education credits for my licensure renewal in December of 2024. That wasn't an easy feat, but I made that a priority. But like my therapist reminds me often, when I first started seeing her in December of 2023, I did not know how to pay a bill. I had no idea for our monthly or yearly cash flow, and I most definitely had no idea how to maintain a house!

Yet as my dad always used to say to me...... you can eat an elephant (not literally, it is an analogy) one spoonful at a time! Taking anything in pieces, makes the end goal far more manageable. Back in December of 2023, I did not think it was capable for me to run a household alone, caregive full time, and run Mattie Miracle. But guess what? I am doing it! Each day, I have pushed myself to learn something new, and I have found with age, that is the key to keeping the mind and body active. That said, I would rather be doing something else than worrying about financials and managing a house of my own, but I know all too well that so much in life is out of our control. The question is what do you do with the hand you have been dealt? Truly my answer to this question varies depending upon the day. 

Next week, Mattie Miracle has several board meetings. In order to prepare for these meetings, I had to put financials together for the board. It is down right hysterical, I have gone from not being a numbers person, to now being someone who has a much more solid understanding for credits and debits! I spent hours on these financials tonight and slowly but surely I have become in full control of every aspect of my life. If you told me that this was what my life was going to look like five years ago, I would have laughed hysterically. 

Switching gears to Los Angeles, my mom sent me this short video of Los Angeles. It captures LA before the fire and currently. I think it speaks volumes, as we are far across the country, away from our friends who are experiencing these horrors. Our hearts and minds are with those who lives have either been destroyed or who live in fear for their safety.  

Sunday, January 12, 2025

Sunday, January 12, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2004. Mattie was a year and a half old and his love for boxes and stacking started early! Mattie gravitated to VHS tapes. He enjoyed pulling them all out, stacking them, sorting them, and organizing them. The beauty of raising Mattie was observing him and following his lead. There were great books that I consulted with when pregnant, but once Mattie was born, I would say most of the "what to expect books" were lacking. Mainly because children are unique beings and I believe it is important to treat them as such! Sure, early on in Mattie's development, I was concerned about him meeting certain benchmarks, but quickly I deduced that benchmarks are useless at times, because with Mattie, I learned that he was going to do things on his time schedule, not according to someone else's timeline. I learned so much from Mattie, and like I always say, he was my greatest teacher. 

Quote of the day: Memories, like dreams, are tools for understanding life…they provide an entry into the heart of what we have once experienced and helps us make sense out of it after the fact. ~ Ayelet Waldman

This week I can add more skills to my long growing list. As you know from Thursday's blog (with my neighbor's help), I changed the battery on my Dyson cordless vacuum. This is my favorite vacuum to use on a daily basis and I was very frustrated that it was not holding its battery charge. Between the Dyson rep and myself, we diagnosed the problem through an on-line chat, and with the new battery, the machine is working like a charm. One issue solved. 

Then my mom's bathroom sink was backing up badly. She brought this to my attention, and what I love about both of my parents is they think I have solutions to all problems! HA, HA, HA!!! I am learning as I go, or I am dealing with each crisis that I face. I did my best to unclog the sink..... 1/2cup of baking soda, followed by 1/2cup of white vinegar. Let it sit for 15 minutes, and then turn HOT water on and let it flush for 10 minutes. This had some success, but to me the sink was still not acting right. So naturally I contacted my plumber friend. He came over yesterday! He checked out the sink, ran more hot water in it, popped some sort of bubble in the line, and said that I basically solved the problem myself. He makes me laugh when he tells me that I am on my way to becoming a plumber. A riot!

The crisis I have been facing for weeks is toilet paper consumption. Do you know that people with dementia are very fixated on all paper products? I went on-line tonight, to a dementia forum, and lots of caregivers are reporting similar issues as me. All of them are complaining that they are at their wit's end, as they do not know how to effectively ration or manage the consumption of paper. That may not sound like a big deal, but let me put this into context for you. 

My dad goes through TWO (yes two!!) full rolls of toilet paper A DAY. He goes through two tissue boxes per week, along with rolls of paper towels. Today's crisis was he stuffed so much toilet paper down the toilet in one sitting that it practically overflowed. I have tried talking to him, rationalizing with him, and now I realize the only way to manage this, is I have to take away the whole roll and leave him with only pieces. I believe in giving him some independence, but I also have to ensure he and the house are safe! Otherwise, when I am not looking, I know there will be a flood. Thankfully I have a plunger. I ran to get it and was able to unclog the toilet. Perhaps my plumber is right... I am learning on the job. 

With dementia comes a lot of repetitive behaviors. Of course that makes sense, because imagine if you can't remember from one minute to the other, what do you do? Well most likely, you repeat behaviors and actions constantly. It is quite overwhelming for a caregiver to manage. How do I manage my day to day existence without losing my mind?

The simple answer is Mattie. Mattie's cancer journey taught me the art of patience. The art of understanding, the art of juggling multiple tasks at once, to work on little to no sleep, and when you care for someone with cancer, you are faced with cleaning up fluids, messes, and managing the impossible. When I say Mattie was my greatest teacher, I am not kidding. I may have had natural caregiving tendencies to begin with, but I perfected them with Mattie. Caregiving, isn't just a task, it is a calling. An undervalued and under appreciated calling in our society, but nonetheless, a calling. It is grounded in love, respect, and commitment and I believe when caregiving for someone, we learn more about our skills, abilities, and character than perhaps any other job we could perform. 

While driving around with my parents this evening, we looked up in the sky and saw an amazing Mattie Moon! Most days I truly do not know if I am coming or going. I can't believe I am divorced, I can't believe I manage overwhelming tasks alone each and every day, and just when I feel distraught and in despair.... Mattie gives me a sign, telling me he sees everything and is behind me 100%.