Saturday, July 6, 2024

Saturday, July 6, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week, we took Mattie to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Our tradition was always to stop at Morris Farms, before heading onto the Island. I loved purchasing fresh fruits, vegetables and other goodies. Not to mention picking up their peach salsa. Mattie did not mind stopping because of all the tractors they had out front! Farmer Brown was in his element. Back then, I thought we would have many, many more family trips to this barrier island. Sometimes I wonder, why does this happen for so many other families, and not mine? But I realize asking why questions, is counterproductive. The only thing I can say is wow, how lucky other families are, and the sad part is they may not even realize it! 

Quote of the day: Love that remains longest in your heart is the one that is not returned. ~ Unknown

My rubrum lilies are beginning to open up. Their blossoms look like fireworks to me, which is very timely for July 4th week. I have always loved these flowers, mainly for the fragrance. About two years ago, Peter planted rubrum lily bulbs in our backyard, to surprise me in the spring and summer. It is hard to believe that the flowers remain, but Peter is gone. Not just separated from me, but Peter wants nothing to do with me. It is beyond difficult for my mind to understand how any of this has happened, how do you go from best friends and lifelong companions, to nothing? No communication at all! I wake up each morning pondering this and I go to bed equally perplexed. 

After taking my parents out for frozen yogurt today, we walked into the house and for just a split moment, my inclination was to call out to Peter. But quickly my reality hit me. There are times this feeling comes over me where I am stymied with anxiety and then I get that feeling like I could jump out of my skin. The loss of Peter is indescribable and I am not sure I will ever get over this. 

I came across an article today on Kelsey Grammer. I am a big Cheers and Frasier fan, so when I saw the article about about Kelsey Grammer, I pulled it up to read further. I would never have guessed that Mr. Grammer is a survivor of many traumatic deaths (grandfather, father, sister, and step brothers). The article is entitled, How Kelsey Grammer overcame harrowing personal tragedies in his life before rising to fame. It is remarkable given all his incredible losses and the traumas associated with each, that he was able to find his way in the world, and not just find his way, but to perform and bring laughter and happiness to thousands of people. Reading his story today, made me pause, because it is the perfect example of the strength and determination of the human spirit. In the article he stated, "I abandoned the effort to find a reason to be alive."

This statement resonated with me and I related to it with every fiber of my being. You get to a point when you are drowning in grief and trauma and there really is no reason to be alive. I struggle with these moments daily. For now, my reason is caring for my parents, but if they weren't alive, things would be much for complicated for me and my existence. I guess my point in mentioning this is reading Kelsey Grammer's words today helped me see I am not alone. Others face such low depths of existence. 

I have not removed Sunny's bed from our family room! Why? Well look who loves and has adopted it! Indie spends a lot of time on Sunny's bed and I have no doubt she smells him and perhaps like me, in her own way, misses the Sunman! 

This afternoon, my neighbor wanted me to come over to her house and visit. Judi has been incredibly supportive of me during my caregiving ordeal and separation. Today she surprised me with this mixed berry pie. As I always say, things can look better over pie. 

After visiting, Judi, I came home to make dinner, and my mom started in on me. She wants my life to be better, for me to have a different outlook, and basically in the process she negates the depths of my feelings. This only adds to my heartache, and I assure you my heart is already quite full of pain. 

A close up of this beautiful mixed berry pie! 

Three things to be grateful for:

1. Judi and having a neighbor who cares about me and my feelings. 
2. Homemade pie!
3. Air conditioning and frozen yogurt. 

Friday, July 5, 2024

Friday, July 5, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. That week we were visiting Peter's parents in Boston. While there, we went on a Boston Harbor boat ride with the family. Mattie loved this time with his cousins and as you can see he was holding onto my niece's hand. I was sitting behind Mattie, and though I wanted him to have this adventure, I was always worried about safety and drowning. Don't you just love that smile?! 

Quote of the day: No matter how hard your heart is broken, the world doesn’t stop for your grief. ~ Faraaz Kazi

I survived my first July 4th without Peter. It is very hard acknowledging that he has wanted to be separated from me for ten months now. These have been extremely stressful months, filled with tasks, caregiving, managing finances, a large house, and of course the emotional toll of not being loved and supported by the one person in my life I thought I always could trust and count on. 

As tonight's quote points out, the world does indeed keep revolving and functioning regardless of me, my grief, or the turmoil I am facing. I learned this early on when Mattie died. To me my world ended when Mattie died, yet the sun kept shining, people kept working, the economy kept plugging away, and for everyone else it is was business as usual. Because of that traumatic loss, I had to disengage with the world in order to protect myself. In many ways, the feelings of self protection, isolation, and creating barriers are very familiar concepts to me. Concepts I am reverting back to because what I am facing now is beyond belief, devastating, and if I do not actively work on it, all of this could make me unstable, depressed, and unable to function. 

This afternoon, despite the high 90 degree temperatures, I went outside into the garden and cut back all of our rubrum lilies. Their stalks were so large and heavy! They were over my head! I chopped all the tops of the stalks off and put this arrangement together. Which will be glorious when they start opening up! 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Learning to trust my gut feelings! They are never wrong. 
2. Having faith and hope. 
3. Nothing breaking down in the house today!

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Thursday, July 4, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and that summer we took him to the Outer Banks, NC. As you can see, Mattie was all dressed up for the Fourth of July. Since this was Mattie's first time to the beach, he was terrified of the ocean and disliked the feeling of sand on his feet. So this was our only trip to the shoreline during that vacation. Thankfully we had rented a house on the water, and from the deck, we absorbed the beauty of the Atlantic. With each subsequent summer trip to the beach, Mattie grew to absolutely LOVE the water and sand! He was a born builder, and the sand provided a great media for creativity. 

Quote of the day: Two words. Three vowels. Four consonants. Seven letters. It can either cut you open to the core and leave you in ungodly pain or it can free your soul and lift a tremendous weight off your shoulders. The phrase is: It's over. ~ Maggi Richard

It has been a year of many firsts. This is my first July 4th without Peter. It is very hard to be disconnected, unable to talk with one another, or see each other. These decisions are Peter's and I am left with no say in the matter, no input on us or our future, and each day I wake up and go to sleep in sheer disillusionment, confusion, and despair. None of this makes sense to me. 

My mind is like a broken record, all I can play each day are the overwhelming feelings of hurt, abandonment, and hopelessness. Peter and I have been together for 35 years. Over this time, we became each other's everything. It is very unsettling and unnerving to go from that to this, nothingness. 

I spent the day outside in the yard, weeding and watering plants. We haven't received rain in days and if I am not proactive, everything will turn brown and die. Then I noticed the pool was a mess! I have now become the pool police. I am constantly assessing it, because if the water level gets low or leaves back up the system, things can go wrong quickly. When something goes wrong, I have found it is an expensive proposition to fix it! So today, I was cleaning out leaves, emptying and cleaning out filters and skimming out leaves from the pool. Thanks to my hard work, the pool is looking much better this evening! 

I took my parents out today for lunch. The notion of staying home was not appealing. Getting out, changes our perspective. It is hard to believe July 4th 2023, I had friends over, we were in the pool and had a BBQ together. I just can't comprehend what is happening to my life. 

I am trying to stay present today without reflecting too much on my devastation or my future. It is the gift I am trying to give myself on this Independence Day. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. My garden and being able to nurture and cultivate such beauty. 
2. 
   Rain (as I type this it is pouring), as the grass and garden needs it. Of course such torrential rain always makes me worry about basement floods. But so far, so good. 
3. Beautiful memories of many past July 4th's by the beach with Mattie, or watching our Nation's fireworks show right outside our townhouse in DC (photo from July 4, 2010). I will never forget having the bird's eye view, without the hassle or the crowds. 

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

Wednesday, July 3, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2005. Mattie was three years old and that week we took Mattie to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. We were there during the fourth of July, which was very festive. As you can see Mattie was having a great time... smiling, laughing, exploring, and enjoying family time. 

Quote of the day: The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone when you’ve made them your eternity. ~ Sanober Kahn

Today was another horrible day, on top of months of horror. I truly thought I would have a moment of peace this morning. No such luck. I received bills I wasn't expecting in my email box, and that sent me for a tail spin. I feel like my life is one crisis after the other. Each day I wake up wondering when the next shoe will drop. I have gone from not managing the finances all my adult life, to managing mine, my parent's and Mattie Miracle's. Just the accounting alone is daunting, but then factor in caregiving for two people who are challenging and have huge and different needs, and then of course the biggest heartache of all, Peter leaving me. His leaving defies understanding and for those of you who do not know the story, I assure you it isn't simple. I will leave it at that, but I am left feeling abandoned, alone, and managing the impossible. 

This evening, I had my therapy session. I told the therapist I am taking a two week break from her later in the month. As sessions go, it was fine, but when I let me guard down and focus on Peter's abandonment, out come the tears. I can't imagine moving forward, because to me it is filled with loneliness, uncertainty, and it is very hard to lose yet another part of myself. I lost Mattie, which I will never get over, and now Peter. I am done and tired! The therapist ended the session with.... May you be safe. May you be free from inner and outer harm. Normally her trite statements annoy me, but this one struck me. Because I experience a lot of outer harm, but how this harm is being absorbed internally, impacts my emotions and spirit. So her inner and outer acknowledgment resonated with me. 

When I got home from therapy, I served dinner. It was at that point my mom went on a tirade. I get it daily in some way or another. She feels her life is miserable, she lived too long, I married the wrong person, he destroyed our lives, and the litany went on. She then complained how tired she is, and with that, I lost it. I keep it together day in and out listening to her, but tonight my cup was full. She has no appreciation for how tired I am, she has no appreciation that she has a daughter who has dropped EVERYTHING in her life to care for her parents, and she has no understanding for the emotional pain I have from losing my husband. A person I considered my other half. Losing Peter means losing a part of myself. My mom's tirade ruined dinner and I dropped everything, once I got my dad settled, to pay her bills (another fixation!). So tonight I am raw and worn out on every level. 

Meanwhile, this was me and Peter on July 4, 2023. I had no notion that he was planning on leaving me. In my mind whatever we endured in life, we would face it together. 

I am sure there are things to be grateful for, but tonight I am in mood to explore them. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2024

Tuesday, July 2, 2024 -- Mattie died 770 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old and as you can see he was happy about his big kiddie pool on our deck. We had a smaller pool the year before, but Mattie saw this one and wanted it. We did not give into all of his requests, but since Mattie loved outdoor time and playing in water, this seemed like the perfect gift! Literally this pool took up almost half of our deck. But if it entertained Mattie and he enjoyed it, I went with it. I just loved that smile!!!

Quote of the day: You flew off with the wings of my heart and left me flightless. ~ Stelle Atwater

I spent the morning working on bills, legal issues, and then picking up sticks and branches in the backyard. We had a wind storm the other night, and WOW I filled up an entire bin of garbage with debris. I have to say that I am thoroughly exhausted mentally and physically. Any of the issues I am dealing with would be enough to kill a person, but I am managing so much horror all at one time. I have no idea what gets me up in the morning or how or why I function. This alone could be a case study! 

This afternoon, I took my parents out for frozen yogurt. This is something my dad enjoys! Of course when I get to the store, it is a feat. I have a walker, jackets, a blanket, and tote bag in tow. When I get inside, I get my parents seated. I cover my mom with a blanket and they are both wearing heated jackets (YES even in the summer, because of the air conditioning). Then I go and juggle three cups of yogurt and get all the toppings they want. I mention this because no outing is simple! I do a juggling act daily. 

I snapped a photo of a mimosa tree that we passed today. Why? Because this reminds me of summer and my maternal grandmother. The house that I grew up in NY, had a mimosa tree out front. It was one of my grandmother's favorites. So whenever I see these beautiful pink flowers, I am transported back to childhood, happier times, and fond memories of my grandmother. I can even recall the incredible fragrance of these blossoms. 

Look what greeted me at my front door today! Thank you Cheryl! Cheryl is my cousin through marriage. If I never married Peter, and I am not sure our paths would have crossed because we live in completely different states. Yet Cheryl is one of those gifts that life has brought me, and I am very grateful. We have never met, and yet we understand and appreciate one another. 

Chocolate brings me happiness. I always loved chocolate, but once Mattie was diagnosed, chocolate became my drug of choice. Literally within the hospital unit, I would take out a canister of chocolate frosting and EAT IT! Needless to say, the past few weeks, I have consumed a lot of chocolate. 

My mother-in-law sent me this photo today. It is of a laced cap hydrangea in her backyard. Why did she send this to me? Because years ago we traveled to the Outer Banks, NC together. While there, we toured the Elizabethan Gardens. The Gardens featured these beautiful plants. So when Barbara returned to Boston, she purchased one and planted it. The point of this photo is it is a reminder of our connection, when my marriage was intact, and that I should never forget that what I experienced and feel is real!

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Having the ability to think clearly, tackle problems I have no idea how to address, and yet find a way to get things done!
2. The pink mimosa and have been raised by an amazing grandmother.
3. Family and friends thinking of me and showing support in all ways. 

Monday, July 1, 2024

Monday, July 1, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend, we went for a walk on Roosevelt Island. Mattie never got tired of exploring this amazing place. Whether it was feeding the ducks, climbing rocks, walking trails, or collecting leaves, rocks, and branches..... there was something there that always caught Mattie's attention and imagination.  Of course watching Mattie absorb his environment was a great gift and through him I saw the world in a whole new light. 

Quote of the day: My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me. It now felt as it had been stolen, torn from my chest by someone who wanted no part of it. ~ Meredith Taylor

Today my friend Christine came over to visit with my mom and I and we had lunch together. The beauty of our friendship is we can pick up from where we left off. I met Christine, when Mattie was in kindergarten. Her son, Campbell, and Mattie were the best of friends. Through their play dates and time together, Christine and I got to know one another. Sometimes children can form bonds, but that doesn't always translate down to the parents. 

Mattie died in 2009, and all these years later, we still share a special bond and friendship. I had the opportunity to walk Christine through the gardens and my house. What I loved was Christine felt that my rooms were created by a designer. But here's the thing. I never hired a designer, all the arrangements, layouts, and art work, came from my own vision. My point of sharing this comment is Christine reminded me that yes indeed I am creative. When doing daily tasks, paying bills, putting out fires, caregiving around the clock, and managing a house, it is easy to forget my other skills and things that I used to like to do. Today's conversation made me remember! Christine shared many gifts with me today, such a tea (Elderberry Wine and Dreamberry Rooibus) and this beautiful drift wood garden ornament. I can't wait to try the tea tonight. It is my one special treat at night. 

Can you see the drift wood art near the roses? I think it works, and I love supporting local artists. 

I finished one chocolate bar and now I am onto another. The amount of chocolate I consume is directly related to how badly I am feeling! 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Friends who remain steadfast, committed, and there to remind me that my presence is important. 
2. A beautiful piece of garden art! A new addition to the front yard!
3. Butterflies fluttering all about my hydrangeas and butterfly bushes!

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Sunday, June 30, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. That Memorial Day weekend, we took Mattie to Dutch Wonderland in Pennsylvania. It was a first for all of us. Peter snapped this photo before we entered the park. It was an experience we will never forget, as Mattie went on his first roller coaster ride there and was hooked! 

Quote of the day: I will never love another. Not like I loved you. I just don’t have the love for it again. ~ Atticus

Last night I looked outside my bedroom window and saw this.... a very large, but thin deer. She was munching on our ornamental grasses! 

If I can reach a new low, today was that day. We took my dad out to brunch, like we do every Sunday. He was more out of it than ever. But his appetite is not what it used to be. I have changed up what he eats for weeks now, but I find he doesn't eat well when I take him out. Something he used to love. 

In addition to not eating well, he was eating too fast. So much so that you could see the food getting stuck and his inability to swallow. All of this landed up producing hiccups. Which sends my mom and I into a great panic, because my dad has a history of intractable hiccups (meaning hiccups that last for weeks!). If the eating and hiccups wasn't bad enough, then I took him to the bathroom three times while at the restaurant. The third visit required a complete change. Now mind you during this time I am trying to have a break and eat a meal. The one meal during the week that I am not cooking and cleaning up after. Needless to say, as I write this blog, I feel sick to my stomach from just so much activity, jumping up and down, stress, and the constant discussion about the heart break in my life. It is all TOO much. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. My roses!
2. My rubrum lilies are fully in bloom in the garden!
3. Gingerale for my stomach. YES it was a hard day, and looking for the positive at times can be very difficult.