Saturday, February 1, 2025

Saturday, February 1, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old and we were playing Candy Land together. This was a game I played as a child and I knew Mattie would enjoy it too. Naturally we could have played this on a table, but Mattie preferred working on the floor. If you pay close attention to the background, you will see a cardboard box creation of Mattie's! This was life with Mattie... filled with adventure, creativity, and collections of all kinds. 

Quote of the day: We humans are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others. ~ The Dalai Lama

My dad had his physical therapy appointment this morning. While he was working with his therapist, I started to focus my attention on the Foundation's Walk. I have a lot of work to do to revamp the event website and get it up and operational within the next few weeks. Overall, I would say weekends are much harder for me than the weekdays. This is a feeling I am VERY accustomed to, as I lived with this kind of discomfort after Mattie died. When raising a child, your weekends are consumed by them! Which is actually a blessing! Living the world through a child's eyes is probably one of the best things I have ever experienced. Everything for a young child is magical, it is exciting, and they are so inquisitive about the world around them. This energy is infectious! It is one of the many things I miss about Mattie. When Mattie died, the school and community connections we had ended, they died. The result of Mattie's death, felt like I was dropped on a desert island without a compass. 

I would say caregiving in general produces a certain level of isolation. It isn't a job that everyone can take on because it is all encompassing and the priorities become that of the people you are caring about. There is little to no time for self discovery or self care. But what I know about caregiving is it doesn't last forever, and at the end of the day after years of devotion and service, you are then forced to face another adversity.... great loss. Because the person or people you have cared for, have died. Truly I can only focus on one emotional issue at a time. So I am not even thinking about life without my parents. Overall however, the weekends have less structure. In fact, as the day went on today, a feeling came over me. It was like a pervasive feeling of loneliness and a feeling of uncertainty knowing that I am the only fully functioning person in my house. 

When this feeling flooded me, I got up, folded the laundry and then got my parents ready to go out. Every Saturday we visit our local diner. We know everyone in the diner and one of the servers we have gotten to know well is Jason. Jason is my age, married, and has two children. He takes excellent care of my parents and in fact, Jason helps me lift my dad from his chair, holds doors for us, and knows exactly what each of my parents likes! Today we got into a discussion with Jason about "time transport." NO we are not talking about science fiction, but time transport for him means sharing of memories. Sharing memories usually takes us back in time, and yet as we are sharing these past memories, we are connecting with people in our lives today. Meaning, by sharing memories with others, we are taking them back in time with us, and of course the beauty of sharing these memories, is that others can help us carry these memories forward. As Jason was talking, I couldn't help but immediately think about the blog. 

Mattie's blog is the ultimate TIME TRANSPORT. As I am sharing my past with all of you on a daily basis for 16 years! From my writings and reflections, I have brought Mattie to life for so many of you who never met him. It means so much that my stories resonate with you, and in turn things that meant something to Mattie (the moon, Legos, cardboard boxes, sunflowers, acorns, seashells, etc) now mean something to you. This kind to time transport could never happen without my writing, without recording our lives together, and without giving Mattie's life and legacy a VOICE. 

Talking about time transport, while in the diner, they played Elvis Presley's song, Can't Help Falling in Love. You want to know where this song took my mind? Right to Florida. Years ago, my dad's brother lived in Florida. When we would visit him, I was a teenager. My uncle was into listening to records at all hours of the day. Literally I would wake up to Doris Day, Elvis Presley,  and Patsy Cline music! Blaring through out the house. Being a teenager, I did not appreciate the beauty of this music. Instead, I thought I had walked into a time machine, as my uncle in many ways lived in a bygone era! Yet when I hear this vintage music now, I remember these moment in time, and feel connected to my uncle and the time in my life when my core family members were healthy, intact, and life seemed so much easier, kinder, and simple to me. May we all celebrate the ability to do time transport and to share these memories with others. Because in sharing of lives, we connect with others, and at the end of the day, what truly matters in life are these connections. 

Friday, January 31, 2025

Friday, January 31, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2006. Mattie was almost four years old in this photo! One thing I learned about Mattie early on, and that was he was a busy fellow. The quintessential multi-tasker! The one thing he loved doing most of all was building. It did not matter the material, Mattie could improvise. But as you can see, Legos were a favorite! This was Mattie's version of a cruise ship! Mattie absolutely loved boats and ships and I am saddened that he never voyaged on a cruise ship, as I know he would have been enthralled over such an adventure. 

Quote of the day: Disappointment was never a thing you looked for, but it had a wonderful way of clearing the mind. ~ Stephen King

If you have been following along the past couple of days, then you know in the beginning of the week, I learned that the electric company was planning on installing a large transformer box practically in the front yard. Seriously I do not understand how a utility company could even consider doing this work without checking with residents impacted by such an addition. When I tell you that I worked my way up the channels of this electric company, I am not kidding. On Wednesday, because of all my emails and previous phone calls, I received a call from a manager. He agreed to come visit with me today and walk the site and figure out other options for the box placement! Truthfully, why couldn't the other people I spoke to provide the same kindness, professionalism, and ability to think outside the box? 

Right before my meeting with the electric company manager, my landscaper came over. I have many stone pavers that have popped up due to the snow and cold. They are too large for me to manage on my own. In any case, we walked through the issues together and we came up with a check list of things I need help with this spring. I take it one issue and problem at a time, and I consider myself very fortunate to have a solid group of professional men who can assist me. I know I can trust them, they are reliable, and given that they know I am managing things myself, they are very kind and help me find cost effective ways to address these tasks. 

All my life, I have been a great advocate for other people. If someone is in trouble, I am your girl! I can be fierce. However when it comes to myself, I am not always as persistent. Instead, I save my strength for others. But the issue of this transformer wasn't something I would let go. Myself and my neighbors work hard on our homes and we take pride in them. So why on earth would I want to see a metal box right outside my windows. As I kept saying.... I bought a house without a transformer in the front yard, and I shouldn't have to accept one now. Bottom line, the electric company was going to install this service in the most expedient, cost effective, and streamlined manner possible. Which means parking this thing on the front lawn. When the manager was on site with me, he quickly got up to speed with the issue and my vision. A vision which focuses on maintaining the aesthetics of the lush space. 

At first the proposal was to move the box further up the yard. I still did not like that idea. I then said that this box should go on a flat space in the front yard that is already camouflaged with trees and bushes. I got push back at first, because the fear was utility workers may not see the box if it needs repairs. To which I said, you have to be kidding me, as we were only talking about five feet from the proposed location! I told him if his workers couldn't see a large metal box in this space, then truthfully I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HELP THEM!  

Any case, we are now working out the details and I feel moving this box preserves the look and feel of our community. The manager and I got to talking, YES even though it was damp and raining, about the importance of the human connection. I feel it is important for him to give his team feedback. They maybe a utility company and their goal is to provide electricity, but no equipment or utility exists in a vacuum. These things always impact human beings and when dealing with people, one has to always reflect and be cognizant of the human impact on the services being provided. 

Needless to say, guess who is also getting written up? Yes this manager. I have asked for the name and contact information of his boss, because I think his boss needs to understand how competent, capable, and professional this fellow is, and how his ability to think outside the box, listen to his customers, and come up with a viable solution distinguishes him from the rest. When I find people who are passionate about their jobs, are committed to doing it well, and working collaboratively to find a solution, I take notice! Such people can truly transform a regular day into a better one. 

Why am I mentioning this story tonight? Because when I wonder is Vicki still in there, today the resounding answer was YES.  

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Thursday, January 30, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2006. Mattie was three and half years old. I snapped this photo that day because this was a RARE sight in our home. Mattie never napped and when he did, I knew he was sick. As I always used to say.... Mattie had two modes, ONE and OFF!

Quote of the day: When we focus on our gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in. ~ Kristin Armstrong

In comparison to the last two days, today was far more normal. Or at least normal for me. Truthfully with the chaos I live with, I celebrate the day if I have electricity, internet, the TV works, and I am not running to an urgent care clinic or hospital. Nonetheless, it was another full day of grocery shopping, three rounds of laundry, physical therapy appointments and so forth. 

All that said, no matter how down and out I am, I can feel gratitude for kindness and thoughtfulness around me. Today, I called the Verizon manager who supervises the techs I worked with last night. I left him a LONG message about these tech angels! He called me right back and told me how grateful he was for my message and that my feedback was going into the personnel files of these techs! I am always impressed with people who do their jobs with passion. These techs had a long day yesterday and worked on my cut cable issue for five hours, not leaving my house until 7pm. Not once did they complain! Instead, they worked hard at diagnosing my cable problems and they weren't leaving until I was up an operational. To me these men were angels! 

In the midst of my own issues, I am still tuned into the world around me and I am devasted with the plane and helicopter crash that occurred in the Potomac River last night (not far from where I used to live in the city). Within minutes, 67 people died, and the grief and loss issues for all these families who are left behind now BEGIN! These are traumatic losses, which make you pause and wonder.... are we safe doing anything? The real answer is no! Prior to Mattie being diagnosed with cancer and dying, I thought we had control over our lives and destiny. But Mattie's death showed me that so much is out of my control, and that alone is disturbing. My heart goes out to all the families impacted by this tragedy and though the news and media may cover this story for a couple of days, they will eventually move on to the next big story. While the lives of these families will NOT be returning back to normal, but instead they are forced to deal with this forever loss. 

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. Pictured with Mattie was Kathy, Mattie's preschool teacher. Mattie loved Kathy, as Kathy is a gifted teacher and truly knows how to engage, inspire, and teach all children. That day, Mattie got to bring a favorite object to class. He chose his jack in the box! I snapped a photo of him explaining how the box worked to Kathy. These were just such simple and beautiful days, a time in my life that I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: I had no idea a living being could sustain so much injury and go on living. ~ Yann Martel

Today was the kind of day, that if I knew what I was going to be juggling, I probably would not have gotten out of bed! First of which, all of this chaos was going on outside my window. The electric company is digging trenches and laying conduit. Another issue is where they plan on placing a big transformer box. I wrote to the electric company yesterday and this morning I got a lack luster response. So I went above this woman's head and spoke to her boss. He called me and we had a very fruitful conversation, and he is coming to meet with me this week to discuss options. The current location for this box replacement is beyond ridiculous as the first thing anyone will see is not landscape, not houses, but a BOX! 

Really just dealing with that stress would be enough. But no! My car needed service today, so I was juggling that. I was managing phone calls and other communications today, and fortunately this morning I called Verizon, as I was having cable issues that started last night. In the midst of being on the phone with Verizon (a call that lasted an hour), I received a visit from one of the local artists who worked on two paintings for us. This was a project we decided to do as a family in 2023, in hopes of capturing the beauty of our house and Sunny. Our family room walls are blank because we couldn't agree on what to display. Which is when this artistic project was born. As I told the artist today, her paintings capture a more innocent and happier time in my life. But I truly couldn't talk to her for as long as I wanted to, because I was doing diagnostics with Verizon at the same time. Not having connectivity and cable in my house is a MAJOR problem, so I knew I had to figure this out ASAP! 

Any case, the issues were so extensive, that Verizon opened up a ticket today for a technician to visit my house and assess the problem. THANK GOD, is all I can say. Given that I was juggling the car being serviced and Verizon, I knew I had to take my mom out earlier in the day, because I couldn't be far from home. While out with my mom, I got notifications on my phone that the internet in our house was down! Truthfully I knew I was going to be a long day given such alerts! Want to know what happened?

Well with all that digging outside my home, the electric company CUT my Verizon cables. Therefore the house was without Wi-Fi and cable services. I am the ONLY one on the street impacted! If I hadn't called Verizon earlier in the day for a different problem, I would NEVER have gotten a tech appointment this afternoon! It was just sheer luck! I absolutely LOVE Verizon! I have two techs that I refer to as angels. I have their cell numbers and tomorrow, I am calling their boss to sing their praises. When all was said and done today, I had THREE Verizon techs servicing my property. That is how extensive the issues were! Currently I have a temporary cable running across my neighbor's property and throughout mine in order to get Wi-Fi and cable. When the electric company finishes their work, then I will need to get trenches dug to get a permanent cable reconnected to my house. 

I just can't make up the constant crises I face! No day is peaceful and by this evening, I was so stressed out, frustrated, and anxious that I didn't know if I was coming or going. Since the techs were with me through dinner time, their wives were calling them. One tech said.... when the wife calls, you have to pick up! Both of them were saying that their wives are what make life worth living. All I could think was.... how beautiful! Devoted men, who are committed to their families and their lives together. 

What am I grateful for today? I am grateful for my Verizon angels and my friends who have gifted me DoorDash gift certificates. Literally they have treated me to dinner two nights in a row, as both nights I have been so inundated with problems that there was NO TIME to cook. 

Tuesday, January 28, 2025

Tuesday, January 28, 2025 -- Mattie died 799 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2003. Mattie was 9 months old! As Mattie grew from a baby to a toddler, his facial transformation occurred. In the sense that he began looking just like me! Mattie had my personality and his ability to read people. We related to each other like two peas in a pod. Mattie loved his walker, aka... Tot wheels. He would zoom around our first floor in this thing. He loved being in control of his movement and he particularly loved following me around. In this particular photo, Mattie migrated into the kitchen on his own. When he turned his Tot wheels around, there I was, snapping this photo. Which was why he had this wonderful look of surprise! 

Quote of the day: Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ~ George Bernard Shaw

George Bernard Shaw's quote is brilliant. It truly jumped off the page at me tonight because on any given day, I feel LOST. I am floundering trying to figure out my identity. I am no longer a mother and I am no longer a wife. Two roles that I valued and defined me for decades. But what happens when all you held, valued, and loved disappears? Well I could say this leaves me trying to figure out who I am, but I like Shaw's notion much better. I am not finding myself, as my core values are and will always be my foundation (they haven't changed!), but with great loss and trauma, I believe I have two choices...... give up altogether or try to find a way to integrate these horrors into my life and use them to further create and develop myself. NOW I SAY THIS with the full reality that this is VERY, VERY HARD to accomplish! It is hard to do when disillusioned, confused, deeply saddened, and at times bitter and angry. 

I have to say, as a single adult, I have been FORCED to be creative and to develop sides of myself that I do not naturally gravitate to.... so perhaps this is creating myself? But I admit, I am TIRED of having to keep creating myself! Perhaps that is part of life, but I long for stable, consistent, and foreseeable! 

Today was another winner of a day! Truthfully, I long for a boring and simple day! After dropping my dad off at his memory care center, my goal was to do some Foundation work to begin setting up for our Virtual Walk in May. IT NEVER HAPPENED! Instead, I logged onto my computer and got alerts! You want to see Vicki panic.... give her a technology issue! Even now, hours later, I am still agitated from this morning! The alerts I was getting had to do with memory integrity and incompatible drivers. I had this issue months ago and I was able to correct it by doing several Windows updates. But today, nothing I did, corrected the situation. So what did I do? Literally I could have walked away from the computer, but I didn't. Instead, I did one of the things I had committed to doing for myself in 2025, and that was to create a Geek Squad account and membership! I want access to technology help 24/7! I will no long continue to put myself in this panic mode, instead, I want people who can help me when I need help! 

I have delayed contacting the Geek Squad, because I truly was nervous about the whole thing. But I overcame this fear today, established an account, and worked with an advanced technology tech remotely for two hours, as he evaluated and fixed my computer. So in the month of January, I have conquered figuring out how to pick and purchase individual health insurance and now I have conquered my technology phobia and found a resource to assist me. That is two big things down. I have other things on my to-do list, but truthfully I have to celebrate the small things. 

Now I wish that was where my day ended, forget it, I should be so lucky. My actual morning started with my driveway being halfway blocked by a contractor who works for the electric company. So I had to address this right away, as I never want my egress blocked in any way. I noticed one of my neighbors was outside talking to the electric company contractor, so I decided to walk out and see what was going on! THANK GOODNESS I DID! I learned that the electric company was planning to put a big transformer box practically in my front yard. Mind you I knew the electric company was going to do work in our neighborhood, as I met the lead manager several weeks ago. However, NO WHERE in our conversation did he mention a transformer being installed or its location. He only mentioned conduit work. When I learned what was going to happen, I literally thought I was going to burst a blood vessel! Two of my neighbors came out to discuss this issue with the electric company's contractor and in turn we learned that he is an absolutely lovely individual who understood our concerns. Needless to say, I came inside and both emailed and called the electric company lead who

is overseeing this project. Seriously I was so insistent, I pulled him out of a conference session to discuss this issue. The saga will continue tomorrow. I understand the electric company has to do work, but when this work has a direct impact on me, I feel as a property owner I should have been included in the process. In any case, look at the huge piece of equipment parked on my front lawn? 

Literally between the electric company and technology issues, I was working from 10am to 3pm. At 3pm, I had to take my mom out for tea and a snack! But of course, there is never any peace. The nurse at my dad's memory care center emailed me and told me that my dad had a bad cough, lots of phlegm and needed to be evaluated for flu. She then asked me..... didn't you notice he had a cough at home?! The answer was NO! He went to the center well! Any case, I did take my mom out for about an hour and while having tea, I booked my dad an appointment at our local urgent care center. At 5pm, we walked into the urgent care center, they gave him COVID and Flu tests (both negative) and they even gave him several chest x-rays because the nurse heard crackling in his lungs. My dad is SO hunched over that it is virtually impossible trying to get a good chest x-ray position for him. Me and tech worked on my dad for thirty minutes. The tech was a love! All my dad's x-rays were clear! No pneumonia. So truly I have come to the conclusion that this urgent care trip was a wild goose chase, which is what I suspected to begin with! All I can say it today was just too much stress for one person! When will it get easier? When will I have a crisis free day? There are no answers and frankly I no longer hope for the unobtainable. 

Monday, January 27, 2025

Monday, January 27, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was in the midst of a physical therapy session. The session was taking place right in the middle of the pediatric intensive care hallways. That day, Anna (Mattie's PT) introduced him to a rear facing walker! We had tried Mattie on a regular front facing walker, and he was frightened as he thought he was going to fall backward. The fact that the rear facing walker provided support to his back, he psychologically felt more safe. This was a big deal that Mattie was taking a few steps that day! We all felt victorious! But you can see Mattie's wheelchair was right behind him, because being on chemotherapy, he did not have the endurance to walk. In fact, after Mattie's limb salvaging surgeries, he never walked independently again.  

Quote of the day: If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

The past couple of years, I have experienced one loss after the other. In December of 2023, my primary care physician, retired. I have been her patient since I was in my late twenties. Therefore, we have been on a long journey together. She is my age and decided to retire early in order to move and live closer to good friends. She never married and doesn't have children, so she is very cognizant of her future, with the understanding that we NEED MORE support as we age, not less. Nonetheless, I view her retirement as a big change for me, because this was someone who knew my medical history and could speak confidently about it. I do not like losing people who are solid memory keepers for me. I will never forget when Mattie was a preschooler, I took him to one of my medical appointments. When he saw my doctor, his immediate comment was.... she's pretty! Keep in mind that he was comparing her to his pediatrician, who was a seasoned professional. Any case, when Mattie died, I shared that cute story with my doctor. We both reflected on that innocent moment together and smiled!

On top of losing my doctor, I have also lost my hairstylist. I have been going to this same woman since my twenties. She was the kind of talented individual where you could show her ANY photo of a hairstyle and she would know how to do it. This is an example of one of the many updos she did for me over the years! When Mattie died, Celina began volunteering her time and her whole family's time at our annual awareness walks. So she was committed not only to me as a professional but as a supporter of Mattie Miracle. 

When I think about all my losses and I can't help but reflect on the list of what I have endured just since 2021. They include: 

• Moving from Washington, DC to Virginia (this entailed saying good-bye to Mattie's home, and packing up and donating many of Mattie's things)
• Renovating our house, which was stressful, because months later I moved my parents in
• Moving my parents from Los Angeles to Virginia, which entailed packing up their house, making donations, and getting them across the country by myself
• Caregiving full time for both of my parents
• Managing multiple hospitalizations for my dad
• Sunny dying
• Getting divorced
• My doctor retiring
• My hairdresser retiring

Maybe this doesn't sound like a lot, but to me it is truly overwhelming. Today, I took my mom to Washington, DC, as we were both getting our hair cut. Though my stylist retired, I still go to the same salon, as I have known the owner for decades. I am not a person who likes getting her hair cut. Therefore, I rarely do it. Try once or twice a year at the most. Today, my new stylist had a chat with me. She has encouraged me to take better care of myself, and wants me to get my hair cut every four months to try to restore all the damage I have done to my hair because of lack of maintenance. I acknowledged what she said, and let that sink in. Truthfully I am so focused on caring for everyone else, that my needs typically do not make the list. Then given how I am feeling, my natural reaction is.... who really cares what I look like? 

While at the salon, I also got a manicure and pedicure. At times, I can feel a panic attack coming on when sitting still, because I am anxious about everything these days. But the manicurist, is the sister of my former hairstylist. Yes, I have known all these women for years! In any case, she was talking to me about her outlook on life. She was saying to me that we are all put on this earth for a mission. We all serve an important role and purpose. She has had a hard life, but her example to me was she was supposed to struggle so that she could be in her professional position now, which has enabled her and I to be connected with one another. Through our connection we help and support each other. Meaning, her struggles were stepping stones to where she is today, and she uses those struggles to talk and help other women in her life. I am not doing justice to her words, but truthfully she made me pause. 

She told me that there are so many things we can't control. Like the weather for example. Therefore, if she knows it will rain, she brings an umbrella, if it will be cold, she wears a coat.... well you get the picture. The moral of the story is there are many things in life that we can't control for or mitigate. But how we deal with them, react to them, and learn from them, are the keys to survival. Who knew going to get one's hair and nails done could possibly be a lesson to manage an existential crisis!?

Sunday, January 26, 2025

Sunday, January 26, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. I will never forget this day. Mattie completed a long bone scan assessment. To prep for a bone scan, Mattie wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything for 12 hours. His bone scans would last for about two hours. Sitting still for this scan was not easy for Mattie, especially since the machines were daunting (both because of sound and claustrophobia). That day, Mattie's incentive for completing the scan, was to go to a restaurant on the hospital campus with his psychosocial care team and have shrimp! The restaurant had a hibachi table, and Mattie loved watching the chef cook and toss shrimp up in the air. You may not be able to tell from this photo, but Mattie was actually smiling, laughing and hobbling around the hibachi table in excitement!   

Quote of the day: Don’t assume I’m weak because I have panic attacks. You’ll never know the amount of strength it takes to face the world every day. ~  Unknown

I has been another winner of a day! It is beyond exhausting being the point person for everything in my household. I manage so much stress on my own. Sundays should be a peaceful day, and I convinced myself that I was NOT going to do any computer work today, in hopes of experiencing less anxiety and stress. Forget it, it just isn't possible in my house. 

Every Sunday, I take my parents to brunch. We did not go last weekend because of snow, so today I was looking forward to not cooking. Before I leave the house, I always make sure that my dad uses the bathroom. However, ten minutes into driving to the restaurant (which is about thirty minutes away), I could hear my dad deep breathing and his head bobbing up and down! I know exactly what that means. It means he has to go to the bathroom ASAP. Truthfully, when he gets like this it is so stressful that I have to determine.... do I turn the car around and go home, or can I make it to the restaurant? I decided to continue driving. As soon as I got to the restaurant, I literally parked by the front door, put the blinkers on, helped my parents out of the car, and went straight in with my dad to the bathroom. By the time I got him there, he needed to be completely changed. During moments like this, I ask myself, what on earth have I done to have a life that has been completely decimated? 

After I cleaned him up and sat him at the table with my mom, I went to park the car. I have gotten to know many people at this restaurant from servers to managers. Literally managers come over, pull up a chair and chat with us. I know about their lives, their families, and I even know many of the hosts. Learning about people's lives and connecting with others, is still important to me. For brief moments, it makes me feel more normal. 

When I got home, I dealt with chores such as folding laundry and putting away dishes in the dishwasher. When I sat down to return email and write tonight's blog, I couldn't connect to the internet on my laptop! Literally there wasn't a WIFI connection and I couldn't seem to troubleshoot the problem. I restarted the laptop numerous times, I restarted the router, and nothing worked. When I tell you that it took my an hour to work through this problem I am NOT kidding. Technology issues make me panic and I am SO SICK of having no one at home to help me. To chat with, to listen to me, to offer a hand, to care about me! Any case, I took a deep breath and decided to unplug the laptop from the wall. I left it unplugged for five minutes and then reconnected everything! Thankfully at that point, the WIFI connection was re-engaged. But when I say my heart is still racing and my blood pressure has risen, I am not kidding. 

My life is this computer! On it I have access to all my documents, photos, and Foundation work! My commitment to myself is to get an account with Geek Squad, because I have to be able to have access to help when I need it. Moments like this remind me..... I wish Mattie were alive. Actually I always wish Mattie were a part of my life. But moments like these which make me panic, I wish more than ever that I could text or call Mattie. Mattie had a natural ability for understanding how things worked, I know if I needed help he would coach me through these technology issues. Any case, I channeled my inner Mattie tonight! I wasn't giving up, and was determined to reconnect the WIFI!