Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Wednesday, February 19, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. That day we took him to the Natural History Museum in Washington, DC. Mattie was looking up at the huge 11 ton African Elephant in the Museum's rotunda. Look at Mattie's expression. To me it was absolutely priceless! Looking at the world through Mattie's eyes is something I will never forget. 

Quote of the day: Courage isn't having the strength to go on, it is going on when you don't have the strength. ~ Napoleon Bonaparte

Today, I came across this article, Women who are deeply unhappy but too strong to admit it usually display these habits, says psychology. The title caught my attention, so I naturally kept reading! The article highlights how many women around the world have a hard time openly talking about their unhappiness. Honestly women juggle so many things now a days, that it is quite easy to feel overwhelmed and unhappy, and who has the time to truly focus upon it? This is a common thread that I think ALL women face! Which is why I think this article is worth perusing. 

The article goes onto to say that women who are deeply unhappy, but too strong to admit it, often exhibit certain behaviors. Six behaviors to be specific and they are:

1. They are perfectionists
2. They avoid social gatherings
3. They're overly selfless
4. They lose interest in things they once loved
5. They have trouble sleeping
6. They constantly feel tired
7. They hide their true feelings

You want to know what I thought of these six behaviors? I thought they were spot on! I exhibit all six! However, what I also quickly assessed, is that these same six behaviors can be exhibited in anyone facing and coping with loss and trauma. So which came first..... the unhappiness or the loss and trauma? In my case, it is multiple losses and traumas, all wrap around each other, culminating in my intense unhappiness. These six behaviors weren't earth shattering to me, but they do call out a word I haven't used to describe myself... UNHAPPY!

My mom was on Facebook last week and saw people talking about pasta frittatas. My first reaction was, WHAT? This is not something I grew up eating and neither grandmother ever made such a thing. I looked up the pasta frittata and its origin is Naples, Italy. It was a meal that evolved after WWII, when food was more scare, yet people did not want to waste left overs. You literally can throw left over pasta, meats, and vegetables into a pasta frittata. I stuck with something more basic tonight.... a pasta frittata with prosciutto and parmesan cheese. 

This is an easy meal and my dad had three helpings. So it was a hit! The next one I want to try is this one!

Tuesday, February 18, 2025

Tuesday, February 18, 2025 -- Mattie died 782 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2008. That weekend we took Mattie to Roosevelt Island. A park we visited regardless of the season or weather! It was so close to home and Mattie loved it! I tried to save up bread for Mattie, so that when we visited the Island, we would have a supply. Mattie loved feeding the ducks! 

Quote of the day: Your friends will believe in your potential, your enemies will make you live up to it. ~ Tim Fargo

This morning I met with the electric company and had to notarize a document about the placement of this large transformer box. Truly, you can't imagine how big this box is, until you see it for yourself. Two weeks ago, I learned this big box was going to be installed along my front property line. Meaning, though it wouldn't be on my property, it would be very visible from all my front windows, not to mention an eye sore from the street. It was just happenstance that I learned about this box placement. I will always be grateful to the contractor on-site who chatted to me and my neighbors about this installation. In any case, after a lot of advocacy, this box is now sitting among trees and bushes, camouflaged from view. I am very grateful to the team lead that met with me this morning, who listened to my concerns, and thought outside the box about preserving the natural beauty of the property. 

When I came home with my parents this afternoon, I felt something was off! You know that feeling, that something is different, but what is it??? As I approached my driveway, I noticed this box with a yellow sticker. This box wasn't there this morning! So naturally I contacted the electric company as I want explanations regarding this splice box. A box I did not know was going to be installed, and installed on my property no less.  A splice box houses and protects wire connections (splices) between different electrical cables. Not only do I now have the box, but I have dirt all over the place in piles. 

So I await answers!

Later today, I went out to the backyard to pick up fallen branches and sticks from the wind storms we have had over the last two days. Mind you, a large bin just like this one was picked up by our trash service today. I can't keep up with the fallen debris! 

There are some days that I just seem to get by, managing tasks, bills, caregiving, and issues. Then there are days when I really miss my life, or what I thought my life was like and was going to look like in the future. I miss so many aspects of my life and it is a feeling that is hard to convey, probably hard to listen to or to even understand. Which is why some days I am mad, some days I am sad, and some days I don't see a way forward. Yet I have to pull it together, because tomorrow will be somewhat of a repeat of today.  

Monday, February 17, 2025

Monday, February 17, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. This was what a typical physical therapy session looked like for Mattie. Truly incredible if you think about it! In the conga line (from front to back) was: Mattie, Jenny (Mattie's art therapist), Denise (Mattie's social worker), Jessie (Mattie's art therapist), and a physical therapy intern. The hand you see on the left holding the IV line was Anna, Mattie's physical therapist. Truly I have NO IDEA what I would have done without these incredible ladies. To this day, I still communicate with Jenny, Denise, and Anna. That is how significant and lasting a bond we created under the worst of circumstances. Through Mattie's cancer journey I learned so much about people, true friendships, and courage, and I witnessed the extraordinary feats of compassion that we experienced every day from our care team and Team Mattie. 

Quote of the day: It’s your reaction to adversity, not adversity itself that determines how your life’s story will develop. ~ Dieter F. Uchtdorf

It was a busy morning in my house! My dad's physical therapist had a session with him today. My dad has three different therapists that work with him, and this particular therapist typically works with my dad at his memory care center. Therefore, I do not get to see their sessions. But today, the session was done at our home! I have to tell you, I was stunned by what I was seeing. My dad was walking at a quick pace, was alert, and did not tire out from therapy. This is a night and day experience than I have with my dad, and what I observe during my dad's in-home sessions with his two female therapists. Today's therapist was a man, and I am not sure if it is a gender thing or what, but my dad was compliant and energized. Ironically this therapist says this is how my dad is when he works with him. Which led us to question..... why isn't he like this with the rest of us????? When I walk with my dad or ask him to do anything physical, it is like he is walking through taffy! Everything is labored and he gets out of breath. Which was why today was glorious to see, because this was the energy level I saw my dad at in 2021. It is possible today was an off day, but this is NOT what the therapist reports!!!!

While juggling the therapist, I had our landscaper visit. I have a team of two men that I work with to help me care for the property. I had Steve over today because I couldn't get the outside lights to work. The lights you see here have been off for over a year, making it very dark outside. I had my electrician look at this problem in the fall, and he felt that it would take him hours to trace the lines alone, to figure out the problem. He recommended me to contact my landscaper. You want to know how long it took for Steve to identify the problem? Try five minutes. Within minutes, he found the wire that had been chewed through by a chipmunk! When my Sunny was alive, we had NO squirrels or chipmunks in the backyard. Mainly because he would chase them right off the property! But without my herding dog, all the critters are back!

I can't tell you what a glorious sight it is to see the backyard lit up again... and then there was light! It feels like a miracle. This is today's blessing! 

Sunday, February 16, 2025

Sunday, February 16, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in February of 2009. I snapped this photo because to me, Mattie was the ultimate multi-tasker. He was eating a donut, while playing with this cars and toys. There were actually several big pots on the floor filled with water, as Mattie loved water play. Truly he was a remarkable fellow, because despite how sick he was, he was still smiling! So much can be learned from Mattie. 

Quote of the day: She stood in the storm, & and when the wind did not blow her away, she adjusted her sails. ~ Elizabeth Edwards

I sometimes lose faith and wonder, does God love me? Or why am I being challenged over and over again? There are no answers, but as one of my dear friends reminds me, God is always with me and the reason I haven't crashed and burned, is because he IS watching over me. When she tells me this, it always makes me pause, to absorb what she's saying, and to consider that this maybe a possibility. 

Today was another difficult day. On top of all the other issues I balance, my dad has irritable bowel syndrome (IBS). Typically I deal with non-stop bowel movements, but today, I was faced with his constipation. Truly the combination of IBS and dementia is diabolical, because my dad gets fixated on an issue and it becomes so overwhelming to manage. I tried getting him to drink more fluid and to walk, in hopes that he would go to the bathroom, but the only thing that accomplished was more emotional agitation and his non-stop moaning. When I tell you moaning, I am not kidding. Of course, between myself and Mattie, I have faced just about every medical crisis. 

When Mattie used to get sick, prior to his cancer diagnosis, I had to give him Tylenol suppositories, because he refused oral medication. Therefore, I became an expert in administering suppositories. Fortunately for me, because today I administered a Dulcolax suppository to my dad. This is not a first for me with my dad. I have given him suppositories and an enema in the past. Perhaps I missed my calling and should have been a nurse! Nonetheless, I am like a walking pharmacy, and keep all sorts of things on hand. Thankfully, because without this intervention today, I am quite certain I would have had to take my dad to the hospital, like I did in 2020, when he developed an impacted colon. 

Each day provides a different sort of crisis to manage. It isn't just managing the constipation, but it is managing the emotions, fear, pain, and anxiety that comes with it, from both my dad and my mom. Literally by 2pm today, I was frazzled. But of course I had the rest of the day to navigate. 

At one point in the day, it was actually warm. I went outside, picked up sticks and branches and replaced burnt out light bulbs in our landscape fixtures. Then I was able to complete the Foundation's newsletter and put together documentation for taxes. Whenever I can accomplish something, it is a celebration. 

There are times I wonder, will I have the strength to face another day? This is not a feeling that is new to me. As I endured the impossible before when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer, but now I am older and have less support. It is a hard existence and the problem with this is I see no hope for a future. The future I envisioned is gone and course correcting now feels like a herculean task. The best I can do is take it one day and crisis at a time.