Saturday, June 8, 2024

Saturday, June 8, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that Memorial Day weekend we drove to Pennsylvania to take Mattie to Dutch Wonderland. This amusement park was geared toward younger children. It was at Dutch Wonderland that Mattie rode his first roller coaster and LOVED it. On our drive up, we stopped at a pretzel factory. We learned to roll the dough and shape it it accordingly. Outside the factory was this cow statue. Mattie knew my love of Holstein cows, so we paused for a photo together. Such an innocent and happy moment in time. 

Quote of the day: If love is like driving a car, then I must be the worst driver in the world. I missed all the signs and ended up lost. ~ Brian MacLearn

This morning my friend Carolyn and her husband, Don, came over for a visit. Carolyn never comes empty handed. She brought me these stunning hydrangeas from her garden and her mom's coffee cake. What an amazing combination. It makes you happy just looking at these gifts. A little visit like this makes a difference and helps to break up the LONG weekend. I absolutely hate the weekends, to me they are depressing times. Very reminiscent of when Mattie died. There is less structure to the days and given that I have no social network given my day to day routine, it makes the social isolation much more apparent. 

There are a few exterior issues that I have noticed with the house and will eventually need to get them addressed. I consulted with Carolyn's husband on the issues and lucky I did, because I was going to try to repair one myself with a substance called Bondo. But I learned today is that the issue is too far gone, for this material to work appropriately. So Don just saved me many hours of work! Bothering friends with issues is typically not my style, but I know two things: 1) that I need help, and 2) when I know something is out of my comfort zone, I know enough not to tackle a project myself. 

As the day progressed, I made my parents a snack and then I went next door to my neighbor's house. She had surgery two weeks ago and she wanted to catch up. This couple "adopted" me early on when I moved into the neighborhood. Ironically, I did not go anywhere today, but having Carolyn's visit and then my time with Judi, broke up the day. 

I made an early dinner today and then I told my mom to get on her sneakers because we were going to walk a block. She has been very sedentary since she got sick last week. I think the walk perked her up and her congestion and exhaustion are definitely improving. Thank goodness for antibiotics, which have finally kicked in!

Three things I am a grateful for:

1. Visits with friends!
2. The beauty of hydrangeas and the tastiness of coffee cake!
3. 
   My porch. As I write this blog, I am sitting on the porch. If you want to know why I fell in love with the house I am living in, it is because of the land and the porch! The porch to me has southern charm and with a fountain going in the background, it is my own private therapy. 

Friday, June 7, 2024

Friday, June 7, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2006. Mattie was four years old! As you can see, Mattie LOVED cardboard boxes. He would transform them into all sorts of things, and this love continued into the hospital when he was faced with a cancer diagnosis. His whole medial treatment team knew to.... SAVE BOXES FOR MATTIE BROWN! 

Quote of the day: Love is a promise; love is a souvenir, once given, never forgotten, never let it disappear. ~ John Lennon

My mom continues to be sick. She isn't getting worse, but she is absolutely exhausted, congested, but has lost the sore throat, and the cough is improving. So I suppose that is progress. After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center today, I finally got to the grocery store. Ironically I have always been the kind of person who wants to pick out my own food that I am purchasing. I did this even during COVID. As my mom says about me.... I have a love affair with food! I can't help it, I like to eat and good food brings me as close to happiness as I can get!

While in the car driving to the grocery store, the radio commentator was talking about weekend plans. He was asking people to call in to share their plans. He discussed all sorts of things from getting together with friends, hearing a concert, or traveling. All I could think of is... this is NOT me! My weekend doesn't look much different from my weekdays, except weekends are far worse. The lack of structure of not having access to my dad's memory care center, or being able to go out and do normal things, is wearing. Each and every day, my routine is pretty much the same, filled with tasks, meeting demands, needs, and paying bills. I highly doubt the radio personality would want to hear about my weekend, or the weekend of any other caregiver or person coping with an illness for that matter.

Honestly when I look at my life in totality, it is overwhelming, and it could take my breath away. Which is why I am good at blocking things out, and compartmentalizing issues. If I couldn't, I wouldn't function and neither would my household.  

Three things I am grateful for:

1. 
   The smell of freshly cut grass. This morning I opened the door and got a wonderful aroma wafting through! 
2. Being healthy! After three MRIs in two weeks, I am very cognizant that my life could have changed after either one of them!
3. I received this beautiful photo from my cousin in Missouri. Look at this glorious Chihuly glass structure. To me it screamed out Mattie Miracle's sunshine!

Thursday, June 6, 2024

Thursday, June 6, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old and I snapped this photo because I thought this was hysterical! Mattie put on Mr. Potato Head's glasses! Upside down of course! When I was a child, I loved playing with Mr. Potato Head. Particularly creating many different combinations! When I bought Mr. Potato Head for Mattie, I figured he would enjoy it like I did! He didn't! But instead, he took the props and used them in his own way. Which was very indicative of Mattie, he marched to the beat to his own drum. 

Quote of the day: Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you’d been before the fall. ~ Jodi Picoult

It was a LONG day at home! Originally I had plans to go grocery shopping while my dad's physical therapist was over. Forget it! My mom is still quite sick, and I needed to manage her needs all day. I knew she couldn't monitor my dad's bathroom needs, while I was out, so therefore I never left the house. Of course, I am glad I did not leave, because mid-therapy session, my dad had to rush to the bathroom. Both the therapist and my mom can't really manage his toileting issues. 

After the therapist left, I tried to get both of my parents to rest. My dad was worn out from his session, so he was sleeping within minutes, but my mom couldn't get comfortable. I have been catering to her all day. Meanwhile in the back of my mind was.... when will I get my breast MRI results??? As the day progressed on, I got more and more anxious! I took two MRIs on May 22, and the hospital gave me the results hours later. So naturally you can imagine where my mind went today. I got so worked up over this, that I went outside to pull weeds and garden. I served no purpose sitting around and thinking. If God for bid something was found on the MRI, I frankly do not know how I would have coped or managed. My whole household relies on me, therefore, I can't avoid to be sick in any fashion. 

Thankfully at around 5:30pm, I saw those magical words to any patient.... benign findings. Since Mattie's cancer diagnosis, I know full well that life can change with ONE scan! That is all it takes and I know the ramifications of cancer on the patient and the family. However, I until a year ago, now I face everything ALONE. It is a daunting existence, with so much responsibility on my shoulders. But God was with me today and he understood, VICKI CAN'T HANDLE ONE MORE THING.   

The three things I am grateful for:

1. Benign findings!!!!
2. Virginia Hospital Center! They are an amazing hospital facility. 
3. Having the same radiologist evaluate all my breast imaging. 

Highlights from my garden! This plant stand is on the porch. If you look closely around all of the gardens, you will find a Mattie element in many places! 

My wall of herbs! Which I use daily. 

I love this orange Adirondack chair (which used to be green). Now it is Mattie Miracle orange. 

Want to know what this purple plant is? It is a butterfly bush, as I love attracting these flutterbys to my garden. 

The rose garden.

Yellow day lilies in their glory. 

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Wednesday, June 5, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. I remember this moment in time like it were yesterday. That day we took Mattie to the Stone Zoo in Massachusetts. After the zoo, Mattie wanted a shake and French fries. So we went to McDonald's, a Mattie favorite. It wasn't unusual (until Mattie got older) for me to sit in the backseat with Mattie when Peter was driving. Why? I felt that Mattie needed company, assistance, and of course entertainment to keep him still and in his car seat for LONG journeys. We were good buddies to say the least. 

Quote of the day: The clouds wept when my heart sang a song of sorrow. ~ Sonya Watson

This morning, I could hear trucks outside my window at 6:15am. I thought it was the garbage truck, it wasn't! My neighbor has been doing a house renovation now for ten months, and counting. Several of the contractors showed up at the crack of dawn and began working. Technically work in residential areas can't begin until 7am. Frankly at this point, I am so worn out with all of this, that I am trying to ignore sounds, traffic, and all sorts of loud noise. What I won't ignore however, is garbage and litter. I am like the litter police of our cul de sac. Today I picked up cigarette butts, water bottles, and other paper debris. 

So 6:15am was trucks and 7am was my mom screaming in a panic. She was running around the house carrying her check book and got herself worked up in a tizzy about paying two bills. She also did not understand some of my accounting work. Needless to say I did not take to this too well at that hour. My mom has a way of making me crazy and she can work me up within minutes. You can try to rationalize with her and tell her that you will address her issues later.... forget it! She wants the world to stop for her issues and for these issues to be addressed and fixed immediately. So that was how I faced 7am!

Given that I had to leave for the hospital at 2pm today for a breast MRI, I decided to take my parents out for frozen yogurt at noon. My mom is now on antibiotics and beginning to turn a corner. No matter how she feels, she wants to go out daily. So the best thing I could juggle today was yogurt. 

Who would guess that going to an MRI would be considered respite? For me that is exactly what it is! It is the time when I have no one in tow, I don't need to listen or meet demands, and I can focus on myself. Somehow when people talk about self care, I am not sure this qualifies. But taking care of my health needs in my opinion is my self care and because I went on May 22 for a head and neck MRI, I knew the tech that worked with me today. Lisa is excellent and what I loved about her is she would talk to me while I was in the scanner. Which enabled me to know how long each test would be as well as how much longer I would be in the scanner. 

My friend, Denise, prepared me psychologically for the breast MRI. She warned me that it is not a fun procedure. 100% correct! I can see that any aspect of this test maybe a challenge to a patient. Even now, two hours out of the scanner, I still feel the pressure and sensation of that metal bar on my sternum! I am not a fan of being on my stomach either, but I definitely do not like my face down and my arms over my head. While in the machine, I desperately wanted to move my arms and face, but I knew any movement would throw off the images. Therefore, I remained frozen in a very uncomfortable position for 40 minutes. 

Three things I am grateful for:

1. Lisa, the wonderful MRI tech. Kindness and compassion go a long way with me.
2. Angela, the nurse who started my IV at the hospital. In addition, the locker I put my belongings in at the hospital had issues. I couldn't get it open! I could have panicked as my phone and purse were in there, but they knew a secret code to open up the locker, and all was well.  
3. My garden. I spent more time outside pulling weeds, sweeping, leaves, and taking in the greenery. 

Tuesday, June 4, 2024

Tuesday, June 4, 2024 -- Mattie died 766 weeks ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old and that day we took him to the Reston Zoo. A place that I will always hold fondly. It was the perfect size zoo for a young child. There were wide open spaces, hands on activities, rides out to the fields to see more animals, and opportunities to touch and feed the goats. As you can see, Mattie LOVED the animals. He gravitated to them and had a curiosity to learn more. 

Quote of the day: When you are standing in [a] forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure you that they themselves have stood in that same place, and now have moved on, sometimes this will bring hope. ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Though I appreciate the sentiments of tonight's quote, I find absolutely NO comfort in knowing that someone else once stood in my shoes, faced with the same issues, and is now in a stable and better place. This is not how my brain or heart operate. Which maybe why peer and support groups have never worked for me. First, when I am drowning, I don't want to hear someone else's issues. Maybe for two issues, first if I deem someone is in pain, my first instinct is to help them before myself and second, I find group settings create comparisons among people seeking support.

Today was a blur and not a good blur. Just when I think a day couldn't possibly get worse, it does. On top of what is going on with my marriage, my mom has been ill. Tonight while I was on a conference call, I could hear my mom coughing profusely. There was nothing I could do, as I was in the middle of the call, and my mom truly is incapable of figuring out how to help herself. As soon as I got off my call, I contacted her doctor and he prescribed antibiotics. So I dropped everything and at 6pm, I ran to CVS. Then of course had to come home and begin dinner and the evening routine. I have absolutely NOTHING positive to say today, much less find three things I am grateful for. 

Tomorrow to add insult to injury, I am headed back to the hospital for my third MRI in two weeks. Mind you I just received the bill from the previous two MRIs today and even with insurance, I was NOT expecting this huge invoice! The hits just keep on happening for me. 

I end tonight's posting with a photo of Indie. Indie loves her outdoor time, and she now sits on Sunny's side of the couch. Indie is a birder! Can you see the bird encounter (bird on railing)? 

 

Monday, June 3, 2024

Monday, June 3, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2004. Mattie was two years old. That week we drove up to Boston and Connecticut to visit Peter's family. Peter's grandmother was in the hospital and we drove to visit with her. Gladys and I were a lot alike. Both fiery, could be blunt, but we both love our family. Gladys loved interacting with Mattie and like me, she had a sweet tooth. I brought her all sorts of goodies and served it to her on a plate that came from Mattie's birthday party (which she liked!). 

Quote of the day: I’d rather love a million times and have my heart broken every time, than hold a permanently empty heart forever. ~ H.C. Paye

Though I understand the context of tonight's quote, I am not sure I agree with it. Right now I would settle for an empty heart, because frankly I am quite tired of the heartache. Empty and not hurting sounds good! But that ship has sailed for me. 

This morning, I set my alarm to go off at 6:15am. Fairfax County was coming to do an inspection of the new furnace I had to install a few weeks ago. On an aside, anyone who is debating whether they should become a home owner or not, YOU SHOULD SPEAK TO ME FIRST! I can help you with that decision! Any case, I was alerted to the fact that at 6:15am, I would receive an email from the County informing me the two hour window the inspector would be coming to my house. At 6:15am, I learned he would be coming from 7:45am to 9:35am. Which meant, I had to get up immediately and start the morning process. 

The inspector was at my door at 8am. He was a lovely fellow, talked me through what he was doing and even showed me how to turn the gas off in the house. He made the process easy and approved the work on the spot. One issue down!  

I am grateful he came early, because starting at 9am, I have to tend to my dad, get him to his memory care center, and then manage my mom (who is still sick!). Therefore, it was a blessing he arrived at 8am! Thank you David! 

My parents are both quite depleted. I think what is happening to me is taking a toll on them mentally and physically. My mom is down for the count (and I just contacted her lung doctor), and my dad is moving even slower and is more disoriented than ever. In fact, when in the car this morning to head to his memory care center, he literally asked me.... where are we going?! Dear God give me strength. 

My friend Jen, who I went to graduate school with in Boston, sent me this photo today. She was running near the Angel memorial in Woburn, MA, and she passed Mattie's stone. I had it placed there in 2016. I will share the story below about this memorial. But I was touched that Jen thought of me and Mattie today. Keeping Mattie's memory and legacy alive are my life's mission and I am grateful to friends who share my passion. Thank you Jen!

This photo was taken in December of 2016. Peter, Sunny, and I visited the Angel of Hope statue in Woburn, MA. I had come across this statue in the summer of 2016, and I knew immediately what this angel was all about. Mainly because I read the Christmas Box, a wonderful book by Richard Evans. In the book, his main character visits an angel statue like this one in the cemetery and we come to know that the grave she was visiting was her daughter's. It was a very powerful book and a book that resonates with parents who have lost a child. Ironically I read this book way before Mattie developed cancer and died! 

From Evans' book, parents all over the country started an Angel of Hope campaign. You can find Angels like this one pictured throughout the US, I knew this but never actually saw one until the Summer of 2016. That summer I was focused on finding out who to contact to get Mattie's name added to the Angel of Hope memorial. This led me to Maureen Webster, who spearheaded the angel project in Woburn, MA. Thanks to Maureen, Mattie is now represented with his own paver, as you see. 

Mattie's paver is located within this Angel of Hope memorial!

Three things I am grateful for:

1. David the inspector coming at 8am.
2. Literally everyday I celebrate when everything is working in the house!
3. Receiving Jen's photo!

Sunday, June 2, 2024

Sunday, June 2, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2003. Mattie was a year old. That weekend we took him to Great Falls Park. As you can see Mattie was ON! He definitely did not want to pause for a photo, but instead was engaged with his surroundings and if he was able to walk, believe me he would have jumped out of my arms!

Quote of the day: I wish I were a little girl again because skinned knees are easier to fix than a broken heart. ~ Julia Roberts

Last night I could tell me mom was in the process of getting sick. I sent her to bed early with Tylenol. Today she was full blown ill. Exhausted, sore throat, and nasal congestion. She wanted to go out to brunch, as this is typically something we do each Sunday, but I said NO! First of which she needed rest and second, no one else needs her cold. 

So I had to figure out plan B. Fortunately I had frozen homemade turkey and chicken soup (that I made in the winter months), so I defrosted the turkey soup today for a late lunch. Days like this when we do not have anything planned, are SUPER BAD for my dad. It is impossible to engage him and therefore he sleeps the day away. It is beyond depressing to witness. 

To manage all my emotions today, I went outside. I weeded in the front yard and then I trimmed some things and weeded in the backyard. I am telling you weeding is a full time job here. The problem now as it gets more humid are mosquitos. I was attacked by them tonight and I have to remember to put on repellent because I can't take those big bites!

Three things I am grateful for:

1. To be healthy and strong enough to manage my gardens.
2. Cookies!
3. TV. My escape in the evening is watching TV. It is about the only thing other than being outside, that takes me mind off my fears and anxieties.