Saturday, July 20, 2024

Saturday, July 20, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. Literally Mattie's car seat came with us everywhere! Why? Because it was the only thing he did not mind sitting in. Otherwise, Mattie preferred to be carried around by me, which was fine, but not practical 24/7. All I can say is I will never have regrets. I gave Mattie my undivided attention, time, and love and in the process, he gave me a lifetime of memories. He's unforgettable. 

Quote of the day: Each night I put my head to my pillow I try to tell myself I’m strong because I’ve gone one more day without you. ~ Unknown

One day I did a google search about husbands who abandon their wives, and I came across this family counselor named Vikki Stark. She has her own story and from her own experience she started to do research and landed up talking to countless women all over the world who face this phenomenon. One of the books she wrote is Planet Heartbreak. I started reading some of the chapters, each written by a different woman whose husband left her and in each case, each wife had NO IDEA this was coming. NONE! I am sure it is hard to believe because we as human look for logical explanations, reasons for bad things happening, and frankly I would be thinking this right along side of you. However, I unfortunately am living this reality and know that the unexplainable can happen without warning. 

Any case, I flagged three chapters which I read to my mom and Karen this morning. Why? Because what these women were describing sounded SOMEWHAT familiar to my story. Not the same, but there were eerie similarities. What I did not like about the book is that each chapter doesn't delve into causes, explanations, or more reflections from each of these women that could be of great help to the reader. Nonetheless, one chapter in particular was deeply honest. Now a year later, this woman is NOT the same, she emotionally doesn't trust people and has no interest in ever getting involved with another man. BINGO! Someone who is honest! After all when you give your heart for decades to one person and then find out that this person neither loves, respects, or values you, it does a number on your mind, heart, and soul.   

Today's adventure was a trip to the Dairy Queen. This is another thing I used to do often with Peter. Especially on all our trips to the beach! It was on our first beach trip to North Carolina, that I was introduced to Dairy Queen, and I have been a fan ever since. Life seems better with a Blizzard. 

Karen and I both had a chocolate brownie extreme Blizzard!

My mom had a hot cocoa Oreo Blizzard!

My dad loved his frosted animal cracker Blizzard. 

Our selfie! 

At any given moment, I can be a bundle of different emotions. For the most part I can fly off the handle or I can feel very sad. Truly it is emotionally exhausting and honestly I would love a day, week, or month break from this heartache. But that isn't how it works. 

We all had a nice dinner together. I made shrimp scampi, arborio rice, and a stew of summer squash, zucchini, tomatoes (which Karen brought from a NY farmer's market) and my garden basil and oregano. 

Some times when I do things around the house or outside of the house, I think of Peter! I think..... oh I have something to tell him, to share with him. But then that wave of reality hits and I know, forget it, he doesn't want to hear from me and once again, sadness prevails. 

Friday, July 19, 2024

Friday, July 19, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. Someone sent us this bouncy seat for Mattie, which played music. The notion of this chair was fabulous in theory, but unfortunately it wasn't up Mattie's alley. Mattie disliked being seat belted into anything, and he always wanted his legs dangling and able to move about. So this chair was very short lived in our home.

Quote of the day: To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful. ~ Bess Myerson

Today I took my parents and Karen to Chez Francois. This is a special restaurant in Great Falls, VA. They offer four course menus and they have a beautiful patio setting, surrounded by gardens. They grow many of their own vegetables that they highlight within their menus. 

For many years, Peter and I dined there on our anniversary. I won't lie, sitting on the patio today was bittersweet. It reminded me of so many happy times, a time when I thought my marriage was forever. I never questioned that reality. 

I started with a trio of salmon. 

Then had their garden tomato salad. 

Followed by soft shelled crabs. 

The four of us! My dad is getting to be a very picky eater. He used to love all sorts of foods. Now the only thing he wants to eat is shrimp. So thankfully today they made him a shrimp entree which wasn't on the menu. 

We celebrated my birthday a week early. I assure you the last thing I want to acknowledge is my birthday and I definitely do not feel like celebrating. NOT ON ANY LEVEL. 

Our lovely waiter snapped this photo of me!

When I got home today, I was inundated with messages from my lawyer. All of this makes me sick with sadness and anxiety. I then went to cut a cantaloupe and in the process cut the skin right off my thumb. It took me about 40 minutes to stop the profuse bleeding! I chalk this up to being exhausted and heart broken. Each day I wake up and then go to bed with the same question...... HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

Thursday, July 18, 2024

Thursday, July 18, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was one year old. Mattie desperately wanted to learn to walk! He hated the notion of crawling and never did it. Even as a baby, he wanted to put weight on his legs and move. But by this stage, Mattie would try to take steps independently holding onto furniture, the staircase, or anything sturdy.

Quote of the day: Once you had put the pieces back together, even though you may look intact, you were never quite the same as you'd been before the fall. ~ Jodi Picoult

Tonight's quote is 100% correct! I may never be the same. There are times when a wave of  sadness, despair, and anxiety over takes me. In those moments, I see NO WAY forward. I see no meaning or purpose in life. One could say how is this possible? It is possible because the love I shared with Peter for 36 years was real and was the one true thing.... my given, that I knew would always be there. UNTIL IT WASN'T! 

Accepting his choices and decisions have been a steep learning curve for me. Naturally I do not want to be with someone who doesn't love me, but the problem is I did not see this coming. There was no preparation and I reflect on the fact that we bought this house together, we moved my parents across country to be with us, and we put our hearts into transforming this house. 

I read and reread many of Peter's cards and notes that he has given me. NOT from years ago, but from last year and the year before. I literally have post it notes from him all over the house, which he would leave for me whenever he went on travel. They are in my closets upstairs and downstairs, I see them daily. I am a person who observes patterns and absorbs people's thoughts and feelings. The problem here was there was NO pattern to observe! NONE, and I continue to be in a state of shock.

Today, my lifetime friend, Karen, came down from NYC to visit with us for a few days. Our good friend, Junko, picked up Karen at the train station for me and then we all met for a lovely lunch. The one thing that was conveyed to me at lunch was that people know my character and loyalty. If you know anything about me, then you know I am loyal to the end. I don't give my love away easily, but once you are part of my world, I try my best to be there always for you. Now of course, I can hardly be there for myself, much less anyone else. Caregiving around the clock for three years and Peter's abandonment have done me in. 

Karen is a breath of fresh air in our house and she is good stimulation for my mom. So who ever engages my mom and is supportive, to me is a blessing. I introduced Karen to my stick and branch clean up routine. She couldn't get over how much we picked up, given that I did a sweep of the property yesterday. Literally I can collect a large garbage bin of branches daily. Fortunately for me it is my therapy! So, bring on the branches.   

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Wednesday, July 17, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old. Back then all the rage was to giving your child "tummy time." So this was what I was attempting to do, but one thing Mattie despised was being on his tummy. So I tried time on his back and then time on his tummy. Overall, Mattie preferred being upright and after a while, I followed Mattie's cues and not the two cents I received in the doctor's office. 

Quote of the day: I wanted love to conquer all. But love can't conquer anything. ~ David Levithan

I am in a state tonight. So much so that I can't eat and when I get into this mood, I spiral down hill, because I see nothing positive. No end in sight to this pain. Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day, however, given my ten month trajectory, I have no hope for that actually happening. 

This afternoon, I took my mom out for tea. While out, I got a call from her long term care insurer. I have been fighting this company since January. I literally gave up on them because we got to an impasse. They will not provide her with any benefits unless she is institutionalized, works with a caregiver from an agency, or is enrolled in an adult day care. Since those options are not viable for my mom, I have been stuck. I can't tell you how I have been advocating since I applied to activate her policy. Today, I got a call from a whole new care coordinator. Literally I yelled at her for five minutes, but once I finished, she was incredibly kind. She understood my frustration, understood the work that I am doing for both of my parents, and is now trying to work with me to explore my mom's policy. All I can say is she is my new angel! Someone who values the family caregiver. She was the positive of my day. 

When I got home, I was back at it with Amgen. Desperately trying to get my $1,500 co-pay that has been lost in the ether. I at least have a wonderful contact there, who is tracking this with me! He wants me to give it to July 24, with the hopes that a check magically pops into my mailbox by then, so I can finally pay this huge bill!  

In between multiple tasks, I baked banana chocolate chip muffins and homemade brownies. My lifetime friend, Karen, will be visiting for the next couple of days, so I wanted to make a few things. Overall, my life is chaotic, I have a range of emotions, and tonight, I was so upset, I couldn't eat. Literally the only thing I can do when feeling this way is walk, take on tasks, or garden. GOD... give me strength and provide me with a glimmer of hope to carry on. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2024

Tuesday, July 16, 2024 -- Mattie died 772 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was a year old and it was his first trip to the Outer Banks. Given the heat, we were all inside for a bit and Mattie pulled out his favorite book and was looking at it on the couch. It was Goodnight Moon. Here's the thing about this classic. It was given to me by one of my mentors at the George Washington University. When I gave birth to Mattie, he gave me many things for Mattie and then many gifts to me over the years before he died. Mattie loved the book and the illustrations. We read it so so often, that Peter and I could recite it from memory....... "in the great green room there was a telephone and red balloon."

Quote of the day: If you start to miss me, remember: I didn’t walk away, you let me go. ~ Unknown

I woke up this morning and my friend in England, who is enduring a similar journey as me, sent me this photo. She and I live each day in utter confusion and despair. We have been writing to each other daily for months now. I end my day by writing to her and she starts her day by writing to me. In addition, we are both also caregiving for parents. I am grateful for this connection because what we are facing is excruciatingly painful.

I did one chore after the other day. When I went to check the mail, I received this adorable surprise from Cheryl. She knows how much I love orange and birds and this cutie was hand painted. Isn't the dried flower bookmark beautiful? Cheryl knows the right words to say, just when I need them. 

I am so grateful to have Cheryl's support and the support of those close to me and also from my readers, many whom I have never met in person. Each message, gift, and word of kindness can make a dark day more bearable. 

Today I hit a whole new low today and part of me can't understand how Peter has no interest to talk with me. No interest to explain what is going on, and most of all I am perplexed, after 36 years together, I am not even missed by him. As if my presence in his life meant nothing. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

Between yesterday and today, I have had a lovely email conversation with a former student of mine. I am very proud of Ariel, as she became a nurse and now a nurse practitioner. She knew Mattie and has been part of my journey since Mattie was diagnosed. So that is 16 years of staying connected. To me that is noteworthy, because in today's day and age, it is very easy to lose touch, and for people to go separate ways. This tells you a lot about Ariel's character and commitment to people in her life. NO WONDER SHE BECAME A NURSE! 

Today was a dark day and I wrote to Ariel that as her former teacher, it should be me reaching out to her and supporting her. Yet for years now, she has been so kind to me. Here is how she responded to my reflection.................. 

Not only did I learn from you when you taught me at GW, but I have learned SO much over the years by reading your blog throughout Mattie's journey, much of which I have used in my career both as a nurse for 10 years and now as a nurse practitioner. I continue to learn very difficult, but important lessons from you daily.  I want you to know that no matter what I will be here to support you and cheer you on in any way I can!

I posted Ariel's comment here because I plan to re-read it many times. Truthfully on some days, it is the beautiful messages I receive that get me through the day. 

Monday, July 15, 2024

Monday, July 15, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three years old but as you can see he was born ON! He had a great interest for the world around him and didn't want to miss one moment. Which may explain why he rarely napped! I remember that cute face and how Mattie tracked my every move. 

Quote of the day: The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone when you’ve made them your eternity. ~ Sanober Kahn

Today was my 29th wedding anniversary. I am not sure what is more crushing, the fact that Peter wants a divorce or simply knowing that even on this special day I did not hear from him in any form. I have reached an all new low in life. What is shocking about all of this is his transformation occurred within a very short period of time and I can say I do not even recognize my own husband now. 

This photo was taken in July of 1989, the summer I met Peter at college. We were both there taking summer classes, and though Peter knew who I was, he was not on my radar scope. We were both members of our college's choir and apparently Peter tried on numerous occasions to get my attention during choir practice. Any case, during the summer of 1989, Peter saw me in the dorm and came by to talk with me. He literally said, how is choir? I looked at him and said, you aren't in choir, why do you want to know? Peter assured me he was in choir and even told me where he sat and who he sat next to in choir. I did not believe him, so I marched Peter down to my friend Dave's room and asked Dave.... is Peter in choir?! Dave said, yes. The rest is history. It all started during that special summer! 

I am sharing two notes from Peter from our past two anniversaries. I share them because they highlight the loving messages, respect, and devotion he always had for me and our relationship. Which is why I live with daily confusion and disillusionment since he left in September of 2023. 

In 2023, on my 28th wedding anniversary, Peter wrote this to me in a card...

Here is to 28 years together. Wow! I am grateful for the beautiful journey we have shared. Here's to many more cherished moments together. Happy anniversary. Love, Peter. 

In 2022, on my 27th wedding anniversary, Peter wrote this to me in a card...

Meeting you has and will always be the greatest gift in my life. You are truly a very special and unique person, and you are a gift to all whom you meet. I know life has not been kind to you or us, but the one thing I always hold onto is that I had you through all the ups and downs. I am not sure where the time has gone from our frisbee throwing nights in college to now, but across all of it, you have been there always by my side. Always and forever, Peter

We had a tradition of going to the same lovely French restaurant in Great Falls to celebrate our anniversary together. This was July 15, 2017.

This was July 15, 2018.

July 15, 2019!

July 15,  2020!

It was a hard day not to receive a card, text, email, or gift from Peter. Which is why I am grateful to have received two gifts in the mail for Mattie Miracle's snack and item carts. This came from my cousin through marriage. Cheryl and I have never met each other, but we are two peas in a pod. Cheryl's message said........

You are loved by so  many people. You're also one of my most favorite individuals in the world! 

This gift is from my friend Christine. Christine thanked me for being a "force for good in this world." 

All of these boxes, sent over this past week for my upcoming birthday, are filled with items for our Mattie Miracle Snack and Item Carts. THANK YOU!

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Sunday, July 14, 2024

Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. We were visiting my sister-in-law, and Mattie was surrounded by his cousins. Mattie was three months old and the youngest of the cousins. While everyone was bustling around us, Mattie sat in my lap taking it all in. 

Quote of the day: And it only hurts when I'm breathing. My heart only breaks when it's beating. My dreams only die when I'm dreaming. So, I hold my breath—to forget. ~ Shania Twain

Have you heard Keith Urban's song, Messed up as you? Well if not, I attached it here! I heard it on the radio, and it might as well been written for me. It speaks to the chaos in my mind and heart. 

This photo was taken on July 15, 1995, my wedding day. I can picture this moment in time as if it were yesterday. Back then, in my twenties, I had no conceptualization of childhood cancer, nor did I think our incredible union would land up in divorce. Both Peter's parents and my own have been married for more than 60 years. I do not think I will ever wrap my head around how I went from a loving relationship to a non-existent one. As I say each and every day.......................

DEAR GOD, GIVE ME STRENGTH. 

I received this beautiful pop up card with butterflies and this garden hedgehog from my friend Heidi. I officially met Heidi in my Zumba class YEARS ago. She knew me before I knew her, as she was a Mattie blog reader. When I entered the class on the first day, Heidi came up to me, gave me a big hug and welcomed me to the class. I was a bit confused by her greeting, since I did not know her. Heidi then explained how she knew me. I credit our friendship to the power of Mattie Brown, his story, and his amazing life. Now many years later and many states between us, we are still friends and I wish she lived closer!

This cute hedgehog is now in my garden. I looked up the folktale of Hans the Hedgehog. The moral of this tale is that with love and loyalty, any evil or magical spell can be broken. The perfect gift for me!  Tell Me a Story: Hans the Hedgehog (a German folktale)

Three things I am grateful for:

1. My rescue migraine medication!
2. Gingerale, if you a migraine sufferer, then you know what it can do to your stomach. 
3. Having a strong constitution, which is needed in my house. My dad's irritable bowel syndrome was a killer today. Right after I showered him this morning, he had three bouts. The third all over the floor.