Friday, October 21, 2011Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2004. Mattie was on a field trip with his first preschool to a pumpkin patch. At this farm, there was a wonderful barn filled with hay that the children got to run around in and play. As you can see Mattie was right in the mix of things and having a good time.
Quote of the day: Grief does not expire like a candle or the beacon on a lighthouse. It simply changes temperature. It becomes a kind of personal weather system. Snow settles in the liver. The bowels grow thick with humidity. Ice congeals in the stomach. Frost spiderwebs in the lungs. The heart fills with warm rain that turns to mist and evaporates through a colder artery. ~ Adam Rapp
The other day I received a lovely email from my new friend, Heidi. Some of my readers will recall that I met Heidi in zumba class. Heidi actually knew me as soon as I entered the class. She is an avid blog reader and she even saw me from afar one day at the hospital with Mattie while she was visiting her ill friend who was seeking treatment at the same hospital. I have appreciated Heidi's thoughtfulness and kindness in class and we trade emails with each other outside of class to find out when we can attend class at the same time. A couple of days ago, Heidi read my blog posting which asked whether a child remains alive within a parent after he dies. Specifically that evening I wrote about how it is natural to hear parents reflecting on how their children are like them, but can we say the reverse? Are children reflected in their parents? This seems like an important question to me, considering Mattie is physically gone from our lives. This question prompted Heidi to write to me. This is what she said, "I am so happy for you for the great news you received yesterday (this is in reference to the award Mattie Miracle will be receiving from Georgetown University Hospital in November). Your little Mattie must be smiling down on you. I feel like I know him from your blog, pictures and meeting you. You mentioned in an earlier blog if children live on through their parents. I think they truly do. While kids are a reflection of their parents, parents often change from their interactions with their kids. A child's interest in things can influence their parents and gives the parents a whole new way of looking at the world. Simply put, everything you mention in the blog about Mattie is his spirit living on through you."
I appreciated Heidi's message a great deal because she got me to stop and pause about what she was saying. When I thought about it, my first reaction was she is absolutely correct. It is obvious and yet at the time it wasn't obvious to me until she made me think about it. My interests have changed a great deal after having Mattie. He definitely exposed me to many new ways of looking at the world and though he is not present in my life now, his presence lives on through my interests for example. I can assure you that prior to Mattie's birth, I did not like spending time outside, taking nature walks, appreciating greenery and trees, and the serenity of being outside and without crowds. In addition, I have a great interest in trains and boats, not to mention bugs and things that crawl. This summer we had a ton of slugs living in our garden. At one time, I would have worked hard at removing them, but because of Mattie and his love of bugs, I embraced their presence. In fact, when I saw the slugs they made me think of Mattie and how he would have been fascinated by their overwhelming presence. Sometimes I am too wrapped up with feelings and emotions to sometimes sift through the reality of the situation. Heidi's email caused me to see that Mattie is alive and reflected within me.
Peter went away for a day and a half with a friend of ours, also named Peter. Peter happens to be the treasurer of the Mattie Miracle Cancer Foundation, a parent of one of Mattie's kindergarten classmates, and a person who has supported us since Mattie's diagnosis. I joke with Peter often, because the first time I met him was not when Mattie was in school, but at a fundraising carwash that Team Mattie hosted to raise money for Mattie's cancer expenses. At the carwash Peter came up to me and told me that my blog had caused him to live his life differently. At the time I had no idea who I was talking to, but it was through this conversation that this man caught my attention. I valued his sensitivity, perspective, compassion, and his ability to articulate complex thoughts and feelings. He is equally as eloquent in writing, since over the course of Mattie's illness he wrote my Peter and I hand written letters. Many of which I kept because I found them touching, meaningful, and I felt like he understood our pain on a very deep level. Peter is also the person who connected us to the right professionals who helped streamline the creation of Mattie's Foundation. So from my perspective and experience Peter is a very special individual.
Peter has a vacation home in the mountains of Virginia and he invited my Peter along with him this weekend. My Peter loves the mountains, being outside, and not surrounded my tons of people and commotion. So this trip in a way is a break from the complexities of daily life. Something my Peter definitely needs. Men are not good at reaching out to one another, as women tend to be to offer support. Throughout Mattie's battle and even in his death, I do have a close circle of friends. But this is not the case for Peter. His support system is non-existent. When Peter reached out to my Peter in this way, I was very touched by his kindness. I can not think of a more special gesture than a friend wanting to go away with you, in order to spend time together, and appreciate each other's company.
This afternoon, my Peter wrote me an email. He said, "I am back from a 3.5 hour strenuous hike. Climbed about 1,500 in elevation, and probably about 6 miles. Funny story, to get to the hiking trail I first had to pass a neighbor's house. Anyway, the neighbor and I chatted and he gave me some advice on hiking. I said thanks and good-bye to him and his dog and took off. A few minutes later, his dog showed up beside me, and stayed with me the entire hike. I give that dog credit. The dog even walked me back to the house and stayed with me a few minutes. I then walked the dog home (not that this dog needed me to do that), but I still didn't get the dog's name until the end. Her name was "shadow" which gave me a shiver since me and my shadow, like my buddy, was with me for this adventure in the woods. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it was nice having some company." After reading this story about Shadow the dog. I was speechless. I guess I was stunned that a dog Peter didn't know would hike with him for almost four hours. This dog stuck close to Peter as if she knew Peter's number one "shadow" or buddy were missing. Needless to say, I think Shadow will not be forgotten by Peter anytime soon.
This afternoon I went to visit Mary, Ann's mom. We spent several hours together and then as I was leaving I bumped into Catherine, the other resident who has become my friend. Catherine needed to talk, so I sat with her for over an hour. While she was talking to me, she told me she should stop talking because she did not want to depress me. With that I laughed and she got it immediately. Catherine knows about Mattie, and she quickly deduced there isn't anything you could tell or confide to me that would shock me or depress me. As I was leaving, she thanked me for listening to her and told me that I made her day.
I was invited to Ann's house tonight for a family dinner. In fact, the irony is I was looking forward to that all week. However, as the day wore on, I felt something inside me telling me that I shouldn't go. That I am different and don't belong with a family filled with children. I have felt this way in the past with others, but this was a first for me with Ann. Somehow that signals something to me and just makes me sad. As I was writing the blog tonight, I was listening to Josh Groban's version of the song, Smile. Josh is a talented musician and singer who was introduced to me while Mattie was battling cancer. I hope hearing the song brings a smile to you too.
Josh Groban's Smile:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKw0bqj6NEY&feature=related
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