Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home between hospital visits and we took him to see the National Christmas tree. Something Mattie always loved doing. I remember the very first year we did this, Mattie was checking out every little state tree and absolutely loved the trains that went around a track near the trees. Seeing the National tree was a family tradition, and cancer did not stop us that year.
Quote of the day: Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry. ~ Lyman Abbott
I remember when Mattie was in the hospital, I would have friends who would visit me and question why I was so angry. They weren't questioning me as it related to Mattie having cancer, but with regard to my anger at the medical staff. My anger was always warranted and I reserved it for times when I saw great injustices in Mattie's treatment and care. I specifically recall one day, post limb salvaging surgery, when Mattie was crying and screaming in pain. His pain management was poor and there were internal fights going on between Mattie's surgeon, his care team, and the medical doctor who managed the pediatric intensive care unit (PICU). The problem was with these disagreement, Mattie was in the middle of them and suffering the consequences. Mattie's surgeon wanted me to have higher doses of pain meds and the head of the PICU countered the order. I am telling you it was like watching a bad tennis match, but the only problem was the ball was Mattie. So literally that particular afternoon, I absolutely blew up in the middle of the PICU. I confronted a doctor on the team and told her this internal battle about pain med management had to STOP and be resolved NOW, because I wasn't going to take another minute of the dysfunction. My friend heard me and I know she thought I was nuts. From an outsider's perspective she probably thought I was manufacturing the crisis, because who could believe that doctor egos could get in the way of providing good care to a child?
I think anger is one of those feelings in life that is natural and normal. As anger can fuel us at times to accomplish great things. As long as anger is expressed in appropriate ways and with the intention to creating a positive result. Such as Mattie getting the pain meds he needed. This week as we are facing issues related to the health of Peter's parents, anger once again has reared its ugly head. Mainly because Peter and his brother are not on the same page about their parent's health, abilities, and next steps. I would have to say that Peter's family and my family have a night and day communication style and therefore my direct and upfront form of communication is typically shocking for them. Yet you know how it feels when you can see a train wreck coming? Most of us want to prevent it from happening, which is what I am trying to do. However, the more that I try to help, the more it is perceived as meddling and inappropriate. A great feeling, as once again it is clear I was and will never be a part of that family.
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